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How to get past addiction with an addict?
I posted a similar post on Starting Over but I am a lurker here and think that you all give good honest advice so here goes...
I am a binge drinker. I do not drink often but when I do I have a hard time controlling how many I have and this has led to many stupid acts on my part. I have been working on this for some time now and have really cut back (for example, I have been drunk twice since July to put it in persepective).
My being drunk causes HELL with my husband. His mother is an alcoholic and he has zero tolerance for me when I drink. If I get overly drunk I pay for it for days from him. This is 100 percent the reason why I am trying to quit.
However, my husband is an alcoholic that is in complete denial. He drinks 3-6 nights a week and gets drunk often. He has done just as many stupid things as I have and been just as present in our drunken fights. He does not see this. He thinks he is just fine and does not have a problem. He will not stop going to the bar and he has no interest in trying to have a sober life with me. I am completely aware of my shortcomings and when I talk about them to him he has nothing to say for himself, just goes on and on about how I have a problem and how I need help.
I am really wondering if we can survive this. I know that I could stay sober easily if I had him by my side, but I am bound to F-up if he continues drinking out all of the time - I mean there are only so many times I can watch him get drunk without thinking I can just do it too. I am so scared that I am going to have to ask him to choose me or the bottle because I think I might lose. How can someone be in such denial of their own behavior? Battling addiction is hard enough without having your nose rubbed in it - it's like taking a fat kid to a bakery and telling him not to taste anything!
Anyway, I am rambling but any advice or swift kicks in the ass would be appreciated. Thanks.
Re: How to get past addiction with an addict?
I am sorry that you are both going through this tough time right now.
That being said, I think you both need some AA or maybe some in-patient treatment time separately or a combination of both. You can't do this on ur own & u both need support from people dedicated to keeping u sober. Right now it's two addicts feeding off each others' weaknesses & keeping each other from true recovery.
I am not saying separation in a way that would doom u to divorce, but just so that each of u can work out ur demons separately. Then come together & go to joint counseling as a couple. It is going to take a lot of work & both of you have to commit to treatment because if one of u falters there is a real chance of both of you falling off the wagon.
Lets put it this way: you are going to have learn to love each other as "new" people. You may not be capatible as sober individuals but only time & therapy will determine that.
I wish you luck. You've got a long road ahead of you. (((hugs)))
***apologies for spelling or format issues. Nesting from my new iphone***
I think you need to get into AA post haste. I'm not cool with his silly little double standard. Like really, how dare you drink when he's knocking them back and hanging out in bars?
But the truth is, what he's doing is irrelevant. You need to be sober for yourself, regardless of the drinking habits of the people who surround you. You're not going to be able to make any sort of level headed decisions about this until you take care of yourself first. Maybe he'll follow you into sobriety. Maybe he won't but the first step here is to see to your own health. You can deal with him later.
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Then you will not stay sober. And if your H gets sober via cajoling and begging from you, he won't stay that way, either. And if you need him to be sober in order to ensure your sobriety, that's part of the cycle of codependence.
In AA, admitting you have a problem in step one. It's pretty clear he's unwilling or able to take that step right now. This has almost nothing to do with you. You can't force him to see what he doesn't want to see.
Sorry.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
You and he need an evaluation from a medical doctor --- you and/or he may need detox.
A doc can make that decision.
Quitting cold turkey on your own will make you what AA calls a dry drunk -- that's somebody who isn't in official recovery with the help of AA and/or rehab.
You and he will have to stick together on this -- alcoholic recovery is a day to day struggle; the temptation to drink is everywhere.
Your H also needs to drop into ACA -- Adult Children of Alcoholics.
I am so scared that I am going to have to ask him to choose me or the bottle because I think I might lose.
You are right...this could the rock bottom moment that he needs -- and if he picks the booze, you're right to just leave him.
This has to be rough. Wishing you the best of luck with this.