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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to make amends with your child
I am hoping someone will help me. For starters my son and I have not spoken in a year. Out of all my kids he forgave me for not being there for my children as they were going up. he forgave me and we had the perfect relationship until 2005 where he met his wife. I felt this woman only was with my son for his money and father figure for her son. My son has not spoken to his sister in over 4 years because she stole some money from him. I feel he should forgive his sister and move on because money can be replace but your family can not. Once my son heard how I felt about this from his wife he stop talking to me. I have tried to apologize to my daughter in law but she does not answer the phone when i call her number. What can I do to possible have a relationship with my son. He tells me that he is through with me and doesnt want anything to do with me or his sister. I have tried calling him only for it to be sent to voicemail. The last thing he told me was his wife's family are his family now.I ask how do I make amends with my son.
Re: How to make amends with your child
It wasn't your place to tell him that he should forgive his sister. He's probably thinking that you stuck up for her instead of him, even though she's the one who did wrong. He probably feels like he's been the good guy in the family but got screwed. So, he gave up. You think family comes first, but maybe he feels like you didn't put him first. You can't tell him how to feel and totally disregard his feelings.
And, why are you supporting your daughter who broke the law by stealing from him? I don't blame him for not wanting to speak to her! She's lucky he didn't call the police and get her thrown in jail. If family is so important to you, why aren't you mad at your daughter for stealing from her brother? Why aren't you mad at her for not putting family first?
All you can do is leave him a message, not going through his wife and tell him that you're sorry that you didn't see it from his side. If he chooses to not communicate with you, there's really nothing you can do about it.
You want your son to be happy? Leave him alone. You owe him a number of apologies, as does your daughter, but he might not accept them and that is his right.
Think of it this way: you are asking a man who had money stolen from him to get along well with the person who stole that money and the people who supported that thief. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't matter that that person was his sister - the money is gone and she took it. To me, that says that she has no respect for him or his hard work (through which he earned it, I'm going to guess) and so why should he have respect for her?
But that's not the point. Until you stop seeing your DIL as the bad guy, you're never going to reconnect with your son. If you really want to reconnect, you're going to have to accept her as the person your son loves and is married to, and a part of your family. If you're going to continue to play the "it's all her fault" game, well, it's a lost cause and you might as well stop posting now.
Wow, this post is all kinds of cray-cray.
OP, your son is better off without you and your daughter. I completely agree with all the PPs. It sounds like your just sad that you two no longer have him to walk all over or take advantage of. I hope he is happy with his family that loves and respects him.
I don't think your DIL is tearing a child away from his family. I think your family chased him away and he finally found someone who loves him and supports him and doesn't just expect him to let people treat him like crap.
Your son has done nothing but help you, your daughter, and your family, and you have treated him like $$hit. What do you expect? I'm surprised he didn't run far far away from you a long time ago.
Your daughter is a adulterous thief. Why do you keep taking her side? Why don't you tell her to grow the fvck up and start acting like a mature adult. She needs to start acting like your son!
And you have a very screwed up view of what family should do for each other. Your son is better off without you.
Wow. You're a crappy mom. You're just mad because you don't have your son around to give you things. You don't love him, you just want to use him, just like your daughter did.
If you really loved your son, you'd let him go live a normal life without his family constantly demanding and stealing money from him.
Lady, you are off your rocker. Did you give birth to your son in hopes that he would provide for you in your old age? It sounds like you think he is stupid. I don't think this woman is busy pulling any sort of wool over your son's eyes. I'm sure he gets plenty in return for what he provides her. He's obviously happy; why can't you just be happy for him?
She's not happy for him because he's not giving her transportation, or money, or letting his sister steal from him, or buying his niece cheer camp, or.....
Both of your children are adults, which means you should stay out of their problems and let them fight their own battles. The minute you start favoring one over the other or say mean-spirited things about one to the other it causes a lot of headaches and resentments.
If I were you, I'd lay low for a while and not harass your son and his wife anymore. Let them come to you when they're ready to have a relationship with you. You can't force your grown children to feel something that's just not there right now.
Well, I am happy for him. I'm glad he's got some self-respect to cut ties with his toxic family.
Me too. It's better for him and maybe (though I doubt it), his lack of enabling will encourage his family members to stand on their own feet and make better decisions.
Forgiveness is a great thing, but forgiving someone for past mistakes doesn't mean signing up for whatever abuse they continue to dish out. You and your daughter have used your son, and he finally had enough of being the family ATM and go-to guy. If your DIL helped him stand his ground against being stolen from, guilt-tripped and walked on, then more power to her.
Your son didn't have the advantage of being raised by a mother who cared for him when he was a child. Please find it in your heart to stand back and allow him the happy adulthood he deserves.
I couldnt agree more!
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013
Yes, everywhere else on the interwebz will CERTAINLY tell you that you have the right to dictate the life of a child you didn't raise by virtue of having birthed him.
They'll tell you that making your love and affection conditional on the relationship he has with his sister, and blaming his wife for your son growing a backbone and standing up to you, is the way to go
^the above is all written in the Sarcasm Font.
MUD
And your son is exactly right here--you continually gloss over the fact that she stole from him, and in fact, you seem clueless as to why he's upset over this. You don't want to have to face the actions of your stealing whore of a daughter, so you try to push your son into forgiving her actions. You're absolutely putting her ahead of him, and he has every right to be mad about it.
Sounds like a great relationship you have with your daughter, you know, with her constantly throwing your past mistakes in your face. She seems like a real peach. I can understand why your son wants nothing to do with her.
If the niece that he stopped sending to cheer camp is your daughter's child, good for him. Her mother steals from him, and he's still supposed to shell out cash for the kid?
You want a relationship with your son? Start by kicking your daughter in the azz and make her repay the money she stole from him. Maybe when you start treating them equally he'll want to come around.
Your daughter didn't steal "some" money. She stole, based on your original post, $30,000. And you think your son should just forgive that? what about your daughter being held responsible for her actions? Oh, but no- you all are "Family" so therefore any poor behavior should be overlooked and forgiven....
yeah, whatever.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm forever astonished that "but it's Faaaaaamiiiiillllyyyy" only goes one way.
one child is supposed to forgive the other theft because she's family...but mommy dearest can't give her sone peace and quit harping on him and accept him for who he is because it's family?
This is really striking a cord with me. Down to the bone actually.
You are so damm selfish. Don't like the truth? Too damm bad. My DH bent over backwards for his mom and sister. They would constantly lay guilt trips on him for "hurting" them when he wouldn't go somewhere or do something for them. Collectively he has lent them 10,000 8 years ago and it has been just over this last year that M/FIL starting paying him back for their 3000. His sister has NO intention of paying him back and whenever he mentions getting paid they throw another guilt trip on him. They were using him. I came into the picture and put a stop to it.
I can see from your perspective that MIL might blame me for taking their atm away - for taking away the guy who would do anything to keep them happy. But you know what lady - DH is HAPPIER now that he has finally stood up to them. Their son has no reservations seeing them anymore. Yeah - it HURT and it SUCKED in between while we set our boundaries with each other but it was up to MIL and DH to accept the new differences and move on. Your head seems so far up your own colon looking for a way to reverse time when you should be looking for a way to accept your son and his new wife - the choices he's making etc. If you want any kind of a relationship with him you need to stop blaming your DIL and look in the damm mirror at your own actions. Or you can keep looking for someone to agree with you here and tell you exactly how to reverse time.
But I bet since you're desperate to reverse time and your son will not answer your calls - you've lost him for good and its not your DIL's fault. Move on. You screwed yourself.
I second that. This woman is the epiphany of Monster In Law that every future spouse fears.