Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: How to make amends with your child
As for the bolded statement, your opinion about your children's relationships (or lack there of) with each other should be kept to yourself. They will work it out between themselves if and when they choose to. YOU NEED TO STAY OUT OF IT!
So the $30,000 she stole wasn't enough to send the niece to cheer camp? I can't believe you think your son should continue to pour money into this family after they've stolen from him.
He called you selfish and he was right. You are selfish and only want things from him.
Whether or not he forgives his sister is between the two of them and none of your damn business.
So you felt your daughter should press charges against your DIL, but didn't think your son should press charges against your daughter? Amazing how you pick and choose who should press charges against who.
Your son is right when he says you have to accept that she is his wife. He's also right that you should stand up for what is right and not making excuses for a thief or adulterer.
Your DIL was also right when she said that you weren't sorry. You aren't sorry and refuse to change your mind and will only accept those who do what you want. You are selfish and always have been and your son is tired of it. I don't blame him.
You can't force someone to accept your apology or make peace with you, especially when they are finally doing the right thing and you are not.
Your son needs to get far away from you and your family. Forever.
That same justice system would have landed your daughter in jail, so consider it balanced. I think this is MUD, no mother who was forgiven would think she had the right to demand her son to keep forgiving. There comes a time when you eat the *** that Karma has dealt you and I say begin chewing. You bit it big time, the gravy train is over and thankfully he found a woman in his life who actually cares about him and not the cash. Stop blaming your previous bad behavior on being young. You've been a selfish old person, too.
I give up. Clearly the OP doesn't want our inputs. She wants to hear that she's right to feel the way she does, and to receive validation for her opinions and beliefs. Well, I won't give that to her, and I doubt anyone else here will, either. Asking for help is one thing, but if you're not willing to look at another (or another groups) POV with some humility and grace, well, I won't waste my time.
Good luck in fixing things with your son and DIL, OP. I have a feeling you'll need it.
Wow. You're a crappy mom. You're just mad because you don't have your son around to give you things. You don't love him, you just want to use him, just like your daughter did.
If you really loved your son, you'd let him go live a normal life without his family constantly demanding and stealing money from him.
This!
The part I bolded? That's as it should be. But you abandoned six kids by my math, then came back into their lives and expected them to treat you like a mother who didn't abandon them for some random swinging d!ck, so I'm not expecting you to understand how healthy marriages should work. Or any heatlhy relationship between human beings, for that matter.
I'd think this was MUD, but you sound exactly like my FMIL, minus the money-stealing. How can you treat your son this way? You don't even have any remorse about your actions, and you think you can just do anything you want without any consequences.
Blaming the DIL? Love it. That's just what my FMIL does. She blames me because FI no longer has a relationship with her. She emotionally abused him all his life, and he was just done with it. Sure, I gave him the encouragement he needed to finally cut the ties, but it was what he had been trying to do for several years. And you know what? If he was still dependent on her abusive azz, I don't know if I could stay with him. Because I couldn't continue to be treated the way she treated me. Your DIL has every right to feel that way.
Anyway, take a step back and get off your high horse. You've probably ruined your relationship for good, but if you want to have even a 1% chance of saving it, you need to stay the helll out of the relationship between your son and daughter, ADMIT to him that your daughter was hideous to steal $30,000, and realize that you can no longer use him. Your desire to monopolize your son (emotionally and monetarily) is extremely unhealthy.
But I think it's too late for you and your son. I feel so terrible for him, but I'm also glad that he was able to stand up for himself and consider the happiness of his family.
"My son told me until I accept his wife and stand up for whats right. He will never have anything to with me."
I am coming from my own experience with my family. Your son told you what you need to do to begin to make amends with him. So respect your son as a first step in making amends and accept his wife. Until you accept your DIL unconditionally, there is no point for you to try to make amends with your son, its NEVER going to happen. If you don't know how to do this, and its that important to you to make amends with your son, get a professional psychotherapist and work through it. It may take years (yes, years) to fix the damage in your family, its not easy and you'll have to face up to your mistakes, too. And after all this, you may never have the relationship you want with your son, no matter how hard you try, and that's a reality you have to learn to accept.
ITA
The son sounds like he finally has his head on straight. I give kudos to the DIL who supported him in that, as well as the dad that raised him to be a decent person. All with what sounds like no help from OP, who now wants to reap the benefits of having reproduced without actually putting in the effort to be a mom.
OP, if you are still thinking this way, you did all your kids a favor by taking off. Hopefully their fathers found someone after you left to be a mother figure to YOUR kids. You are a worthless POS, and need to go back to wherever you went when you left your kids the first time.
OP you're changing your story about why your DIL assaulted your daughter. You're trying to make it seem like she just came out of left field when she was mad at your daughter, but really... your daughter STOLE $30,000 from them and said her daughter was not fathered by her husband--your son. If anyone said that my kid wasn't my husbands, AND stole $30K from me? Hell yes I'd slap a b!tch too. Your daughter sounds like a complete monster.
Stay away from your son. It sounds like he's trying ot have a normal life now.
No where in any of your posts do you say how your son would benefit from a reconcilliation. You talk about YOU getting forgiven and YOUR DAUGHTER getting forgiven (while not even asking for it) . You talk about missing the free hand-outs he used to haul out for you. You talk about missing his support. You talk aobut his sister and his nieces missing his support. You talk about the injustice of his wife. But not once do you talk about what your son is missing from not having you in his life. Not one word about what you can give him, support him, be there for him.
You chose your relationship with your children a long time ago. You wanted your freedom and you got it. You still have it.
If you have a mutual friend or family member that can reach-out on your behalf to help with what he stated he needed - you to accept his wife to stand-up for what is right. If YOU can't do that then you know there is no amends. And if you don't have a 3rd party-type person to help you reach out then, that's sad and very tellling on what you deserve.
If you do, I hope you can give your son what he wants and needs - it sounds like he deserves it.
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He's got that a bit wrong:
His WIFE and his kids are his family, not his wife and her family. When you marry, your spouse becomes your family.
You cannot make him patch things up with either you or anybody else --- that is up to him to take care of. Nobody will convince him otherwise.
Well, I'm disgusted. Congratulations, OP, you are officially one of the worst MILs or mothers I've ever seen on TK/TN/TB. And back in the day, there was a lady who tried to poison her DIL.
All through your posts you talk about what you son and DIL have done wrong and how "that's not that family does." You seem to know an awful lot about how sons and brothers should act.
Sisters do not steal from their brothers and then refuse to acknowledge it. They do not make claims that their brothers are not the fathers of their child out of spite. They do not expect forgiveness for the sh!tty things they do even if they won't apologize. They do not expect their brothers to pay for things for their child while they are robbing him blind.
Mothers do not take the side of the child who committed a felony against their sibling. They do not expect their sons to leave their families to be with them. They do not expect their sons to support them. They do not try to ruin their son's happiness for their own selfish purposes. And they sure as f-ck do not abandon their children and waltz back in decades later expecting to be treated like nothing ever happens.
You're a sh!tty excuse for a mother and your son is better off without you and your thieving daughter in his life.
As for his wife's "abuse:" your daughter had it coming. I'd have hit her too and I haven't hit anyone since 6th grade when some trashy biitch decked me on the playground. I cannot believe she had the gall to file a police report when she is the one who stole $30 from them. You should count your blessings that they didn't take the report because she is the one who would have ended up in prison.
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Amen.
Man after this post my MIL is a GEM! She's the best MIL on the planet. Thanks OP - you've put mine into great perspective.
I don't blame your daughter-in-law ONE BIT! And you and your family turned your son against his family, NOT your daughter-in-law. You and your daughter sound like really selfish people.
Your son's life is HIS life. If he wants to support his wife and her child, so be it. That's his right to do and you have absolutely no say in the matter. He is NOT obligated to provide for you or any of your family. So thank him for supporting you while he did and learn to fend for yourselves like normal, responsible grown ups.
IT IS NOT YOUR SON'S JOB TO SUPPORT YOU! It IS his job to take care of his wife. End of story. The end.
I have to say I'm pretty flabbergasted that not only do you feel like he is obligated to take you, but that you feel that way especially when you were, no ARE, a dead beat mother! Why on earth is he obligated to you in any way, shape, or form?!