Trouble in Paradise
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Deciding when to call it quits....
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to see if anyone had an "a-ha" moment when it came to deciding if you should work on your marriage or if you should end it.
I've posted on here a few times. Right now we have a temporary separation where I'm out of the house for two weeks and trying to decide if we want to hit the "reset" button and start over or if we should move forward with divorce (...after only two years, no children).
The problem in a nut-shell:
There is a huge lack of communication. It is as if there are two separate people living their lives to get their individual needs met. It feels like a business transaction at best. I feel like my husband is very selfish. If there is anything I want, I have to be very forceful before he's willing to consider it (I've been told at times that we haven't done things because he thought "I really didn't want it.). We don't have a lot in common (I love fancy dinners, wine tasting, he likes to go to sports). Of course there is a compromise, but since he has complained so much when we go out to do things I want to do, I have completely stopped taking him to any of the places I want to go.
He's not emotionally available. He only wants to experience happiness. Since things have been difficult for a few months (I started counseling at the end of July, he came about a month ago), I've been more communicative of my thoughts (the full gamut of emotions, from happy to angry to sad). My husband's solution is that I need to be put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety because I have nothing to be unhappy about. I spoke to my counselor about this and she was rather appalled - that there don't be appear to be any signs that I am experiencing such depression/anxiety to warrant medication, just a level of expected sadness over a marriage that I am not finding very satisfying/fulfilling.
I could go on and on for pages, but I will stop there. 
Of course - this story is one-sided. But any ideas/suggestions/books to read to work through during this difficult time would be much appreciated.
Thanks so much for all of your continued support and wisdom.
Re: Deciding when to call it quits....
I don't think there always needs to be one big shining AHA moment. Sometimes it's just a series of "I don't think I can do this anymore", and then you're done. It sounds like you know you are done, but are maybe feeling bad or guilty about ending your marriage after "only two years."
Life is too short to be miserable. Your H sounds like a selfish azz. Seriously, suggesting medication because you "have nothing to be unhappy about" is really fvcked up.
How have you felt in the two weeks you've been trying this separation?
Here's the thing - I don't see a single mention of why you want to stay and work on things with him. You're obviously unhappy - you don't get to do the things you enjoy, you're expected to deal with everything on your own, you don't have a partner just someone you share a home with by the sound of it.
Why do you want to make it work?
My a-ha moment for my first marriage is likely to be very different from yours but I'll say this: It came when I realized that I was better by myself than I was with him. Marriage, to me, is supposed to be the sum of two people but it should be an addition, not a subtraction. When I was with him, I felt like half of myself. When I wasn't with him, I felt whole. I knew then that I wasn't interested in working it out and if I wasn't interested in making it work, it wasn't going to happen by magic.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Only on day three of trial separation. Of course there is much sadness, but also a calmness in my heart about the whole situation. I do, however, miss my cat since he's still at home.
There is a ton of guilt over this situation, and frankly, it's embarassing. We were together for FOUR years before getting married, so you would think I would have thought this through. It is hard because I was raised with the belief that you only get divorced if you were being abused, cheated on, or if there was an addiction. We aren't dealing with any of those issues.
There is no shame in admitting that you made a mistake by marrying someone. So you didn't figure it out in those four years, bygones. Don't prolong your unhappiness because you might be embarassed. That stuff passes, I promise.
I would say to take the rest of these two weeks and focus on you. Do things that make you happy. Spoil yourself, hang out with your girlfriends/sisters/mom/whatever. See if you can get a counseling appointment towards the end of that to really see how you feel. Two weeks isn't really a long time to figure things out, but you can reassess then.
Very good insight. I just want to be sure that whatever decision I DO make, it's one that I am 100% confident in. I don't want to have any regrets.
Part of me wants to make it work because it's marriage and it IS hard work. The other part of me wonders if this is all there really is to marriage. I want to be happy, I want to feel supported, and I want to feel understood.
I also don't want to "give up" on a marriage because I have some sort of unrealistic expectations.
Cleary - I am just a mess right now!!
You should definitely make sure you're 100 percent sure. That's smart. Maybe the separation will help you figure that out.
As for the rest - your expectations of wanting to be happy and supported are not unrealistic. Those are pretty basic elements of any successful relationship. I understand the notion that you don't want to "give up" but honestly: Why do you think you should settle for a marriage that you are unhappy being in? Certainly, infidelity, abuse, etc., are all solid reasons for getting a divorce but why isn't making each other miserable a good enough reason?
I know it's a cliche and I'm generally not like that but you really do only get one shot at life. There's no sense in spending it in an unhappy relationship.
Marriage is hard work and there are bad times but in the end there should always be a feeling that even though it might be tough right now the marriage is generally good and good for you. Hopefully you can use this time to sort out if this is something that you want to save.
ETA: I also can't help but notice that the only reason you can give to work on the marriage is that it's marriage. You aren't pointing to anything redeeming about him or the relationship that makes you want to work on it. That's telling. There has to be something more than that to a relationship for it to be successful in the long-term, IMO.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Is your husband willing to go to counseling with you? I couldn't tell exactly, but if he is going with you to your individual counselor some times but not others, that may not work. imho, if you're going to do counseling together, it should be with someone who is new to both of you.
As far as books that I found helpful, The Sacred Marriage gave me some good perspective. It wasn't the religious stuff, since I am just barely a Christian myself (long story, different subject.) It did open my mind to the possibility that my marriage wasn't supposed to make me happy - it was the other way around.
If you want to be sure of your decision, I would suggest a sincere effort with a good marriage counselor for at least 6 months. Then you can know you gave it an honest effort. Your problems are actually seem pretty fixable, with a lot of work.
Good luck.
Sarabeth, you posted not to long ago about not being physically or emotionally attracted to your husband anymore. People gave you a lot of advice. What im confused about is why you want to work this out when you are very obviously not happy with the way things are. I hope you find what you are looking for but from the sounds of things its not with him.
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/57670673.aspx
3/17 BFP! 3/19 Beta #1: 312 3/21 Beta #2 894
Please do NOT have kids with that guy. Not because he's a bad guy, but because it is a terrible time for it, and a kid is the last thing that both of you need right now.
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Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Thanks again for all of the advice!!! I see that I've only put really NEGATIVE things down, but there are ARE positive things, I promise!!!
Overall, my husband is a really nice guy. He's generally happy, is financial stable, a great provider, committed and loyal. We have built a very comfortable life together and have bought my dream house, and there really isn't all that much arguing/fighting (very low conflict marriage, but not a lot of communicaiton).
Also, the problem is my husband is EXTREMELY happy with the way things were, so I wonder what is WRONG with me!!! He didn't see us as having any issues and feels like all of this is out of the blue. But looking back...perhaps he was happy because his wife works full time and makes the same amount of $$, I took care of the house (he does take care of the outside, but that's 6 months out of the year), and we have sex on a regular basis (about twice a week).
Thanks again for your help. You guys are so awesome.
What does the bolded part mean exactly?
Oh no - my goodness, kids are on hold absolutely at this point!! That is the thing - I want kids, and I didn't know if I want them with my husband. I want to have a very positive life for children, and I don't want to have kids unless my relationship is 100%. Believe me, I know that!!!
My husband is not a bad looking guy, by any means. We weigh the same as when we got married and we both take pretty good care of ourselves. I just think since I don't feel like I get much support from him (emotionally or around the house), I am not attracted to him.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I will definitely look into it. I know marriage isn't going to make me happy, but it should be a source of happiness. I feel like I have given quite a bit and not really gotten much in return. My "love bank" is running on empty.
I have been trying since the end of July. I just cannot bring this into another year (I would like to try to make a decision by the end of Dec 2011). I did bring my husband to two counseling suggestions, but perhaps we should try a different neutral counselor. He says he is committed and willing and I know he loves me, but I just don't think his effort is sincere. He's been pushing me to make a decision and he feels he should stop working on things since i'm clearly not trying (yes, I have not been overly nice to him, but I need consistent effort)...he wants some sort of immediate happiness from me, which I just cannot do. He also thinks I'm just "trying to find problems that don't exist" and that I like being unhappy. I am trying to really gauge my husbands interest at putting in effort. He just wants things the way they were.
I'm glad to hear this. The kids part, I mean. You might be shocked at how many people do NOT understand what you have just written here, and think that if they want to have kids now, they'll just do it, no matter how terrible their relationship is with their partner at the moment. Kids never make it better!
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I don't know what to say except I totally empathize. I was feeling similarly to your situation; H and I were in this sort of distant, separate lives kind of funk (and I actually almost went on meds to try to make myself happy in our relationship). Then one day after a sort-of fight, I just freaked out and booked a ticket across the country for 10 days. Mature? Not exactly, but at least he was finally able to admit we have a problem. We're still talking about separating, but at least we're talking.
Basically, to echo the PPs, life is short. Time is probably the most precious thing you have, and you have to look out for your own happiness. I know you married your H for a reason, and I know you want to give it your best shot, but if you're gut's telling you you're done, listen (easier said than done, I know). I don't know about you, but I worry about waking up in two years with the same problems wondering why I wasted those two years (or 10 or 15) forcing myself to stay. Either way, these are incredibly difficult choices, and I'm sorry.
Callmebetty - maybe we should talk.
It is nice to know I am not the only one going through this, but I am very sorry for what you are dealing with. It's very difficult.
You are right. Life is short. And - if I want a baby, there is another timeline...
It is hard. The way my counselor phrased it - it's like being a job that you are miserable in, but some of the benefits (e.g., health care, pension) are fabulous. So, do you wake up everyday for a job you are unhappy with, because there are some fabulous benefits? And of course I question - am I just looking for something that doesn't exist?
My husband gets that there is a problem, but I think he has a justification for EVERYTHING.
This is not entirely true. My husband and I separated, he moved out, and we did not talk at all for over a month.We lost the house we were renting during the process, and basically started over. We found our way back together and have been living together again for the past year.
We are the happiest we have been in a very long time, and it opened our eyes to a lot to what it would be like without each other. We are going on our 5th year of marriage, and have been together for almost 9 years.
Sometimes being without someone for a period of time can show you what you actually want, and what you are willing to work for.
Your post reminds me of my own marriage. I feel that I had my own a-ha moment recently. People tell me if you're still in love work it out, if you don't love him anymore move on. Of course this is always easier said then done. When I talked about moving out my husband seemed to realize I was serious about breaking up.
Good luck! Everything happens for a reason.
i don't know if this will help, but this is my story:
there were years of "i need to end this" but the last 2 years really did it for me. He was completely useless managing the household while i was deployed, i got a handful a 2 sentance emails from him and 2 boxes.
He pretty much lived rent free and had no worries since i took care of all the bills, but he never had any money saved no matter how many times i told him to put some aside. He quite expected to just be taken care of and he wasn't much of a partner.
He was supposed to do the lift kit on my jeep while i was deployed (it was his idea to lift it) he did a 1/2 a**ed job and there are serious problems with it, 4 of 6 bolts in my rear track bar were missing, it could have come off, i could have wrecked and died. i used to beg him to look at it and tell him something was wrong but he'd never take the time. but if one of his girl friends had car problems he was there immediately to help them no matter what time of day/night.
His idea of marriage was coming home, wolfing down a meal that took me hours to prepare in 5 minutes, then playing PS3 all night. He would never go out with me, he was rude to my friends, he'd yell at me for going out after he said i could...we no longer had anything in common and i felt like i was living with a room mate and not a husband.
i just got tired of it....i saw that there was better, i saw relationships where the couple was happy and loved spending time with each other. then i met someone who made me feel that way and it was the impetus i needed to leave.
i saw no point in being mostly miserable, hiding upstairs from my husband hoping he wouldn't bug me for sex since i hated sleeping with him....it was a long time coming and i should have paid attention to my gut at the beginning when i knew i shouldn't get married.
i never felt so happy and stress free as the day i made up my mind to leave him. and i still have never been happier in my life. it's the best decision i have made in my life.
some things can be worked out, others are just too far gone. he and i were too far gone. i did not want to make things work with him because i had tried for 4 years and nothing ever changed and i knew nothing ever would change. we just weren't meant to be.
I stayed in my first marriage far longer than I ever should have because of that loyalty to marriage, and the thought of letting others down. When it came down to it, communication and lack of fighting killed our relationship. Whenever people say, "We never fight!" I think that maybe they should sometimes. Fighting is a sign of passion, and passion is needed to keep things alive in a marriage. It is good and bad for a marriage, but it is evidence that both people still want something out of it.
I didn't realize until later, but I found myself flirting with other men in my life, and enjoying it. I think it is okay to be flattered by a little flirting, but it was a sign to me that I was looking outside our marriage for those feelings that I should have had with my H.
You deserve what you want in life. You only get one shot at it. That is what it really boiled down to for me when we decided to divorce. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a guy I am not sexually attracted to, but have a great friendship with? Would that be enough? My answer was no.
When we separated I almost felt free and that a huge weight had been lifted. Now is the time to be selfish, and think about what you really want for yourself and future family. I wanted to have and raise kids in a home that had loving parents who showed their love for each other, and that just wasn't going to happen with ex-H. I couldn't force sexual attraction that didn't exist. Perhaps I didn't work hard enough at it, but I have found happiness since in a man that I would be devastated without. One question to ask yourself is how would you feel if H left you? Being the one to leave is filled with guilt, but really you are the strong one in the relationship because if one person isn't happy, the relationship hurts.
My advice is to do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Friends and family may be disappointed, but when they see how much happier you are, they will be at your side and understanding. Any friends that you lose in the process were not true friends to begin with.