Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Strip clubs
So I'm completely against strip clubs - it's more of a priinciple thing than anything. It's not a trust issue. My boyfriend knew all of this when we first began dating.
Last week he ends up going out for guys night and goes to a strip club (the night before we are going away for romantic weekend). I made a joke asking if he had gone that night and he, to my surprise, said YES. I was furious, hurt, upset..I decided not to ruin the weekend and still went away together .. we ended up coming to the compromise that he would only go to strip clubs for a bachelor party or some special occassion. Does this seem fair for us both? I still feel like it might be an issue in the future if the guys want to all go just for the hell of it. Suggestions?
Re: Strip clubs
If you think it will be an issue in the future, why did you bother to compromise at all?
He's just a boyfriend, if you don't think he will stick with your compromise and the clubs bother you to the point where you're be "furious, hurt, and upset", why are you still with him?
He knew you weren't OK w/ them. (did he say HE wasn't OK w/them or agree that they were icky?"
He went anyhow.
I think 'why' he went anyhow is the biggest question here. Did he go anyhow because you said what you thought and assumed that was 'the rule' w/o actually discussing it? (I'm going to ASSuME that this is more or less what happened--that you thought your opinion = rule. Which is a communication failure that hs to be explored) Did he go anyhow because you'd get over it so it doesn't matter? Did he go anyhow because he was intending to deceive you ? (personally, the 'lie of omissin' vibe I"m getting here doesn't make me thrilled w/ him)
Honestly, 'fair' doesn't matter. Relationships aren't 'fair'. "acceptable to both people and putting them on equal footing" is important--making sure both give opnions, one isn't parenting the other, having a solution both are OK with,etc..
If you're completely against strip clubs, then why are special occasions an exception to that? I don't think they will be. You'll be pissed off then, too.
Just date a guy who doesn't go to strip clubs, who doesn't hang out with doofy frat boy types who go to strip clubs. It will make your life much easier.
KUUS!!!
point in his favor that he manned up, and told you he did go.
If he's only going with a group of guys, then odds are he's going more for the companionship of his buddies, than to see a bunch of over-sized fake hooters. I won't say he's not looking at them or anything while he's there, but depending on the frequency of these events, I don't think it necessarily has to be a big deal.
You could offer some other options as well, like a "poker/xbox/ fantasy sports night at your place". Then while they're doing that you can go be with your friends, and do stuff you prefer.
So strip clubs aren't OK, except for when they are?
Sack up and make a decision. If they're OK, then they're OK. And if they're not, then they're not. And if he's not OK with it, then he can leave.
My Lunch Blog
I don't think I'd equate playing some Call of Duty to getting a lap dance. I mean, yeah, it's a bonding experience or whatever, for some groups of guys, but if she's against strip clubs, she shouldn't have to compromise.
OP, you aren't okay with strip clubs. You won't be okay with them later, for "special occasions," either. So you should find a guy who is also not okay with strip clubs. There are a lot of them out there.
WHY do people put up with such issues when they are dating? He's a boyfriend. He's easy to get rid of, and if there are important things you don't agree on, what's the point of staying together?
Really? Strip clubs are for special occasions anyways. No one, especially someone in a relationship, should be going very often.
It isn't fair to change the rules after you broke them. You have given him an direct sign that whatever he does you bend to his will. The fact that he didn't consider you enough to ask to bend or compromise before breaking your deal speaks volumes. It shows that he doesn't share proper boundaries with you and doesn't have respect for you, your feelings or opinions.
Honestly, strip clubs are never a problem with me. In the past six years my FI and I have known each other he has never gone to strip club. But he knows that if he ever felt the urge to, he could come to me, ask if I have a problem with it, and compromise BEFORE he breaks my trust.
You need to think: Is it fair that I make a clear line for what is a betrayal of trust at the beginning of the relationship, BF crosses without hesitation and now I have to compromise my morals to fit his?
We go to a fancy restaurant for special occasions. I guess we're just high class like that.
I guess I am just high class like that too. I never got the appeal of wasting your money on some half-naked broad in a dark room. Nice dinners and the local theater are a much better uses of my time and resources.
Although if someone thinks the way they want to spend a guy's night out or bachelor party is at a strip club, I hold no negativity to them.
You need to think: Is it fair that I make a clear line for what is a betrayal of trust at the beginning of the relationship, BF crosses without hesitation and now I have to compromise my morals to fit his?
This, exactly.
"No one, especially someone in a relationship, should be going very often."...
really.....that's a bit much...no one should go? what if the folks in the relationsihp are cool with it? what defines "often"?