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What do you think?
I'll preface this: This is not about me!
I have a friend whom I work with who is single. She has become very buddy-buddy with another colleague who is married with a 1 year old. She and our colleague have started hanging out a LOT. His wife finally met her, yet he continues to lie to his wife about hanging out with her after work. They get drinks together, he invites her to the movies, the text message all evening...
If I were his wife, I'd be pissed when I found out all this!
I don't think she has feelings for him. I think my biggest problem is that colleague is lying to his wife about the amount of time he spends with her.
What do you think? Is the friendship completely platonic? Do guys who lie to their wives have alternate motives? Would you be pissed when/if you found out?
Re: What do you think?
I always feel that my perspective on these things is weird because my best friend in the world is a man. We go out to dinner together, get coffee, call/text all the time, go to movies, share drinks...
BUT! The catch: my FI loves him too, we're all friends, and I'd never, ever lie about what Friend and I do.
With your friend, it could still just be a platonic friendship, but there are obviously trust issues between the guy and his wife. The guy obviously knows that his wife would find this friendship inappropriate, which in turn MAKES it inappropriate. I mean, the reason that my friendship with my best friend isn't inappropriate is because FI couldn't care less. If FI was uncomfortable, it would no longer be appropriate.
So, long story short... this friendship IS inappropriate because his wife would probably be extremely uncomfortable. As to how I would feel? If it were a new friend of FI's that was suddenly all up in his life, I'd probably feel kind of weird. The thing about my friend and me is that we've been friends for 10 years. But to suddenly have a woman SOOO involved in FI's life would make me a bit uneasy. ESPECIALLY if he lied to me, which I know he wouldn't do unless something shady was going on.
If you feel the need to lie, then you know its wrong. Plain and simple.
Does your single friend know the married friend is lying to his wife? And regardless if she has feelings for him or not, he clearly has feelings for her. He's essentially dating her (drinks, movies, etc).
So, if you're lying, yes, you have an ulterior motives (in my book). And yes, I'd be p*ssed as hell when I found out.
If you guys are close enough, maybe ask her how she would feel if her H was lying to her to spend time with another woman.
Thanks, I may
When I was young and stupid, I got caught in the "well, my wife is unreasonable and jealousE of our friendship" trap. What I learned was that someone who thinks his/her wife is unreasonable but is unwilling to do anything about it wasn't someone w/ enough character to be friends with.
(as well as being a cheaty mcDoucherton whose wife had reason to be JealousE)
It's 'ulterior'. Not 'alternate'.
That said, I don't know if he has ulterior motives, and neither do you. However, two people married to others who are spending a lot of time together and are lying to their spouses about it are lying to themselves if they think this is OK. Both of them. Not just him. And they're asking for trouble, if they have not already found it.
Edit: whoops missed the part where she's single. And it's not true that she does not have feelings for him. Of course she does; and she's loving the attention and the texting and the unavailable man who's after her is all very thrilling.