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Issues...please help!
Background, since I haven't been on these boards in ages:
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and before that we were together for 7 more. We never lived together until we got married, each of us lived with our parents. We both have our issues, and have our own histories of depression and other problems (I have ADD and serious insecurity issues, he has PTSD [non-military-related, if that helps] and gets panic attacks). We are both the only children of widowed mothers; my dad died just before I turned 16, his dad passed a couple months before our wedding. We live in an apartment, with a disobedient yorkie, one aging pickup truck, and no kids (though we do want kids once we're more stable financially and psychologically). He works as an ad designer for a state/local news site, a job that he hates deeply, mostly because of some of his more psychotic coworkers. It is also a desk job, which aggravates his back problems, and the pay isn't anywhere near appropriate. I just finished my associate's degree this spring, and am off for a semester before re-starting at a 4-year university next term. I spent most of our relationship working minimum wage jobs in order to pay rent to live with my alcoholic (now in recovery in AA) mother, and now am working on finishing a yearlong unpaid apprenticeship in lieu of a normal job. We're both 28. Sorry for the history dump, but I figure anything helps when you're asking for advice like I am.
I've always struggled with my own issues, but things sort of came to a head with me in the last 12 months or so and I finally broke down and started therapy this spring. Scott was having trouble too, and upon getting to a therapist himself a couple months before me, he was diagnosed with the aforementioned psych issues. So it's safe to say we've both got a lot to work on, but we're really trying to work on ourselves...both for our own individual good, and our marriage.
Things had been going rather well lately, but this weekend things got unbelievably bad. Between me stumbling lately with my own progress (I've had to cut back to once every 3 weeks at therapy because my insurance visits are running out) and him at sort of a standstill with his (he ran out of psych visits a couple months ago, and needs to be on antidepressants, but refused the idea that he needed meds until he ran out of visits, and our insurance won't cover more therapy until next calendar year)...well, things suddenly exploded. He said he needed to take a walk and ended up hopping the bus into town. I would later find out that he (mistakenly) thought I was picking fights with one of our friends. (In truth, I had simply posted something vague on Facebook that this friend took as passive-aggressive [it was not meant as such], and immediately deleted it upon finding out that anyone took it that way.) He ended up getting a drink at a bar in town (not usual for him) and sort of wandering around town before calling me. I was a bit overemotional that morning, admittedly, but his leaving scared me, and it was reinforced when he called to tell me that not only was I ruining his friendships, but I was the reason he was stuck at his job, and thus part of why his back hurt so much, I was the reason he had no freedom in his life...there was more but I thankfully can't remember it all. This is REALLY unusual for him...we get in fights, but he's usually my biggest supporter...I'm the one more likely to run myself into the ground by saying I'm basically ruining his life. But for him to say it, I felt like all my worries were confirmed. He told me I don't pull my own weight or put anything into our relationship. Admittedly he brings in all the money right now and I'm really terrible about keeping up on the housework and such. At any rate, essentially he said enough of that kind of thing that, bawling, I told him I would pack my things so I wouldn't be ruining his life anymore. Before I really could, he called back and asked me to wait until after he got home if I was gonna leave. We basically fought for the rest of the day/night. I conceded that I really needed to be doing more to contribute, and laid out a plan by which I would do more to improve our lives. He didn't concede much until he realized that when he had assumed I'd been arguing online with one of his/our friends, I had actually been trying to talk things out with a neutral friend...once he realized that, he felt really awful and apologized for a lot of what he said. We didn't do make-up sex until the next day (yesterday), and I thought last night was when things were smoothed over enough to prepare the way for us to properly go forward. That's what it seemed like. Yesterday and today I have stuck by my end of things, getting up at a grown-up time, taking care of business, keeping myself together emotionally, etc. But he's in one of his depressed ditches right now, and I don't know how long it will last. When he gets like this, it's like it completely permeates both of our lives. I made a quick dinner and we watched half an hour of TV, he took out the trash and he basically went right to bed. It's 10, and he's been in there for over an hour. He said he wasn't really tired, that he didn't really feel anything, and he didn't want to get me down, that he figured, might as well call it a night...said he didn't feel like watching more TV and didn't know what else to do. (Frequent boredom is a problem around here, but I've always been a bit of a homebody and don't tend to mind the same way he does.) I sat in there with him for a little while, not wanting to end the evening so soon after he got home (he doesn't get home from work until around 7) and thinking that this was sort of alarming behavior...though he's done it before, usually if he had a really bad day, is really tired, his back hurts, or all 3. He told me to go enjoy myself...I was obviously worried about him, and told him as much. Eventually I let him be, feigning contentment with it for his sake. I ended up here.
I don't know what to do. Am I a bad wife? How can I help him? What should I do when he gets like this? Should I still be worried about that fight that nearly sent me to my mother's, or should I just let it go? Has anyone here been in a similar situation? I'm sorry again for the novel, but I just needed to get a lot out. Thanks in advance.
(Unrelated note: is there ANY way to change my username? It seems silly 3 years after the wedding.)
Re: Issues...please help!
This stood out and stood out like it was lit up in neon:
I was a bit overemotional that morning, admittedly, but his leaving scared me, and it was reinforced when he called to tell me that not only was I ruining his friendships, but I was the reason he was stuck at his job, and thus part of why his back hurt so much, I was the reason he had no freedom in his life...there was more but I thankfully can't remember it all.
Excuse ME???
Who twisted his arm to get married? Who twisted his arm to sign on to a life long commitment???
And wow, how childish: he blames YOU for his back problems?? He pins the rose on you that his friendships are problematic??? Wow.
It is also very very bizzare that he just ups and leaves and hops a bus --- are you certain that he is NOT having an affair??? When a guy pulls that 'waah I have no freeedom" rap, I usually suspect he's got somebody on the side.
He needs to grow up and how and in a hurry.
And he says these horrible things to you and then he apologizes, like he accidentally bumped you as he passed by??? Wow.
You are not a bad wife and help him??? the only one who can help him is HIMSELF.
Let him also try acupuncture for his back issues or see an orthopedic guy to see what the root of his back problem might be.
Not only is he immature and possibly having an affair, he's also manipulative.
And I also say that how he addresses you is abusive -- you don't pull your weight in the relationship??
Bad enough he said that to you -- if he is talking about financially not pulling your weight, wow, how disgusting: he does NOT get it that all of the money that is earned by you AND him during your marriage is now "OUR MONEY."
If this is what he meant, wow, I'd be LIVID if I were you -- and if he is referring to you are *not* pulling your weight in other ways, still be livid.
This guy's got problems and how.
Also, nobody is holding a gun to his head so that he's a couch potato and remains a couch potato...doesn't this guy DO anything at all to keep busy and be productive and to NOT be either a mental/emotional or physical couch potato??? He needs a hobby. Or he can get out and do something to help somebody: volunteering would be a great idea.
In short, I smell a rat here and how. Something sure stinks: that he vanishes is NOT normal and how dare he tell you that because of you he has no freedom. Yes, I strongly suspect he is having an affair...or he is strongly considering having one.
At the very least, he is emotionally checking out of the marriage and that is NOT a good sign.
And he needs to grow up and man up and start being responsible -- you say you aren't great about housework? Then he can get up off HIS tail and do something housework wise...he is supposed to do so anyway; this is part of the bargain -- he's supposed to pitch in 50%. Let him sweep up or wash the floor or dust or do the laundry or a trillion other things that he sees need to be done.
What you need to do:
Let His Jerkiness cool off for a bit -- and in a couple of days, talk -- and intensely and frankly.
He's whining he has no freedom *because of you*?
Then he needs to let YOU know if he wishes to continue the marriage...and if he wishes to stay in it, he needs to be a grown up husband who is an EQUAL. Holy crap...you don't pull your weight? what are you? father and daughter??? Bullshit. This is supposed to be a marriage dynamic and a normal one and he's not qualified to fit HALF that dynamic.
If he wishes to continue the marriage, make counseling for the both of you a must. You can find low cost counseling thorugh your county mental health association; also try colleges/universities in the area; they may have counseling available.
If you guys are religious, also try your clergyperson for marriage counseling, in addition to a secular one.
If he won't say yes to counseling without ifs ands or buts, rethink him and consider saying goodbye. This isn't right and this isn't normal. GL.
Yeah, he needs to get back into therapy. It makes it infinitely harder for me to work on my issues when he's not working on his.
He admits that while the troubles he's had with some of his best friends are not necessarily my fault, they always seem to involve me. Like one close friend (let's call him G) and I tend to argue easily lately...that's who he thought I was fighting with, and he admits that the problems there seem to be 50-50, which I agree with 100%. The other friend he lumped in there pissed me the off, a friend we'll call A...their relationship had been growing apart before it ended, and it's not my fault that things happened the way they did at all, though it is largely the reason I've lost much of my taste for politics in any form. I'll spare you and draw a curtain over that scene.
I know the only one who can help him is him, but...I don't want to make it worse. I want to enable him to be the amazing man I fell in love with. That's the thing, this was unbelievably out of character, we'd been doing pretty damned good lately. It floored me. Felt like the world dropped out from under me, you know?
I will suggest acupuncture, but I doubt he'll go for it. He was doing chiropractic treatment for a while, but our insurance only covers so many visits, and we can't afford to pay for it ourselves. I think I've finally convinced him to go to a specialist, but it's taking some time.
I seriously doubt he's having an affair, given some circumstances I failed to mention somehow. We have next to NO friends in our area, and few female friends closer than 2 hours away. He loathes his female coworkers, and the fact that we only have the one vehicle forces him to take the bus to and from work so I'm not stranded all day--which is also what he's referring to about his "lack of freedom": he's pretty much never alone and feels like I've taken over his truck. (We can't really afford a second car. If this sounds absurd on a graphic designer's salary, that's because it is.) Also, I handle all of the money stuff, cashing paychecks, paying bills, and checking our bank statements online...I'd notice if money was missing. Seriously, I used to be one of those girlfriends who was paranoid about him cheating when we were dating...but in addition to getting the #*@# over it finally, he just does NOT have an opportunity now. Oh, and he loathes his female coworkers. (It's for good reason, those women are psycho. They take the amoral salesperson stereotype and crank it up to 10.)
He does need to grow up, though. I think I made it clear to him that I am not cool with him throwing me under the bus (emotionally speaking) when he's depressed about his lack of a sense of direction in life.
He really does lack direction, too...he was on track to his dream career as a journalist, then he graduated from college and all the newspapers folded. And the shiitty job market is not helping matters.
What slays me is the complete lack of respect that he has for you.
He talks to you like you're a skivvy and a nobody, he pins the rose on you for HIS problems, he even blames you for his back problems! He tell you you don't pull your weight.
Is this the behavior of a man who is an equal and respects his wife?
Not where I come from. He has zero character, NONE. And that is bad bad news.
You made it clear you weren't happy about being thrown under the bus? What's His Highness going to ACTIVELY do about it??? Ask yourself that one.
And ask yourself why an allegedly happily married man is telling his wife she is the reason he has no freedom. Wow.... this is just plain bad. Does he mean "no freedom" inasmuch as he can't whoop it up like a single man or that "because of you" he has no friends??
Whatever he means, he's way in the wrong and that's no way to talk to a spouse.
Counseling STAT and tell him that his attendance will ensure the continuation of the marriage. Simple as that.
It's also the fact that you have to literally walk on eggs around this guy. What is he going to b!tch and belly ache to you about --- and blame you for -- next go round?
The journalism field is pretty moribund. I know of a guy who lost a job with a very major paper -- it folded -- and since then, he's only found freelance work. Meanwhile there's a mortgage and kids to pay for. He's been out of work a very long time.
First of all, why would you want to have make-up sex with this man? You both have issues you need to work through, and it's not fair for him to blame every problem in his life on you. He's clearly irrational.
Secondly, you say "Yesterday and today I have stuck by my end of things, getting up at a grown-up time, taking care of business, keeping myself together emotionally, etc." If you're so depressed (or immature, but from your post I would think depressed) as to sleep all day and not take care of your responsibilities, something needs to change. I can imagine being frustrated with that- I've been on both sides of it. You're in counselling, and that's great. But you and your husband need more sessions, so finding the money has to be a priority. Your mental health and the state of your relationship needs to come first.
Thing is, he's never done this before. Never treated me like that, I mean. That's why it shocked me. I've said that kind of nasty stuff about myself for years, though with the help of therapy I'm really ditching the habit. He always builds me up and tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. This incident felt like some surreal nightmare. In my mind, the problem is, "What brought this on??" It would seem that it's because he thought I was instigating *** with his friends, but is that good enough reason? Not really. I don't know what to think about all this.
This warrants further investigation -- at the very least he needs to hear you tell him that his behavior toward you and how he addresses you is not acceptable. And that he was way out of line saying what he said to you.
Part depression, part immaturity. I'm less good at handling my shiit than I should be at my age, and that's not me being hard on myself. I genuinely do need to get my act together. It's not helped by the fact that I just got my ADD meds filled today after not having them for over a month. Not only does that help me organize my life like a normal adult, but it really helps with the bouts of depression, too. Doc and therapist both say they're not surprised. So there's that. I take ownership where appropriate, and it'd be incredibly immature for me to try and act like I'm in no way part of the problem. Not saying that excuses him, but still.
We really do need to find the cash for counseling. I'm wondering if I should speak to MIL. She's supportive of him getting psych help, and has offered to help if we need it. He always feels bad taking her help, though...I think he feels guilty. I really wish either of us had our dads still around. By his own admission, he really needs an active role model in his life to be the kind of man (and husband) he wants to be.
He's heard it. And agreed. If it wasn't for that, I think I'd be skipping town for a few days to think this whole marriage over.
Think this whole marriage over, where you are right now.
Why should you put up with his lack of respect and a canyon full of no character at all?
I see a lot of issues here. I think you would both benefit from marriage counseling as well as individual.
He feels stuck because he really has no options while you're in school and not bringing in any money. He can't leave a job he loathes, he can't afford a second car, etc and essentially, that's not going to change any time soon.
Once you finish your unpaid apprenticeship, you need to work. I understand that it's hard when you're also going to school, but you need to find at least something to help supplement the income. Maybe enough to get another car. And you need to make it your mission to finish school ASAP. Things aren't going to significantly improve until you are finished with school, working full time and contributing financially to the household. I bet your DH feels like he's carrying all the weight, and it sounds like he's starting to buckle under the pressure.
Honestly, if you have problems with his friends, I would de-friend all of them. No sense in even opening up a possibility of drama there.
I wouldn't worry too much about the fight. Everyone has fights and then just needs to get away. But, he aired some pretty serious grievances during the fight, which demonstrate there's an undercurrent of resentment there. You need to address that with a counselor.
What also is disturbing is that he's supposed to support you in any type of dream or endeavor you wish to pursue. He's not doing that at all.
Instead he's lording it over on you that you're not bringing in any money. Geeezos, what does he expect????
Did you and he sit down and discuss money, assets, earnings and funds and how they'd be handled after you were married? I don't think you and he did.
You are HIS WIFE, not a liability or a non-asset!!!
And let's suppose that you are not able to work anymore at some point during your marriage, or you don't wish to return to the workforce after having a child...did you and he discuss that? Vice versa also: suppose he was not able to work anymore, due to whatever reason: was there a Plan B in place for either?
He needs counseling, based on the fact that you're getting the side eye from him because you currently do not have a job. Nice character, buddy.
To the last few posters, thank you, I will really look into what it would take to get me into a job asap. He's pretty good at housework and has no problem doing it (as long as I'm not over his shoulder about it...a bad habit I picked up from mom that I've gotten way better about). My associate's is in liberal arts, not because I wanted an easy degree, but because I wanted a really well-rounded education...I took mostly academic electives, with some art thrown in, since that is my passion in life. But yeah, I think if he was willing to pick up the housework, and I could find a job that paid enough to get a decent car (no more of this crap that breaks down constantly nonsense), that could work. And it'd help me get some of that self-confidence I need (but seem to completely lack). Actually, I design and make jewelry, and have connected with an amazing gallery that will host and sell my stuff for next to no commission, so once my supply order comes in, hopefully I can start bringing in money ASAP. I'll look into whether an Etsy shop might be feasible, too.
Thank you EVERYONE for your support...I needed to hear all of this. I need to realize that he seriously disrespected me, and I need to understand that I do NOT deserve that, even if I haven't been the kind of wife I want to be so far. But I also needed to hear others who see through to the guy I'm really talking about, and see that it would be hard NOT to feel trapped in his current position. I will look into couple's therapy, it seems like a good idea in addition to individual. We can't afford more, though, so it might take a while to figure something out. I'm gonna keep on track of getting my act together, but I also need to find a way to tell him he needs to cut it the @#&% out...without making him get all defensive and throw up walls on me. We both do that, I'm not trying to point fingers, but it IS a stumbling block. Thanks again for all the advice, you have no idea how much this has encouraged me to really think things through. This man DOES have character...I've seen it. But (by his own admission) he feels like he's losing who he is (don't worry, he never blamed that on me, lol)...and if he's gonna act like this again, then he's right. In the event it ever goes down like that again, I am determined to be ready. I have no intention of being useless around here, but that also means not being a doormat. I feel stronger now, thank you.