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How do you get rid of a couch crasher?
Hi everyone,
I'm a long time lurker on these boards but don't really have too much free time to post. I decided to come here to get advice because this is one of those situations where if I ask people I know, it'll get back to the person it's regarding.
Background info, my fiance and I have been together since early 2003. We met in college and he lived in a house where there where 4 other guys, a few of their girlfriends, pets, and the occasional straggler that 'lived' there. Fast forward 7 years, we're all almost 30 and the fiance and I own our own house.
One of his roomates from college moved to the Chicago area from downstate. He and his long term girlfriend live about 10 minutes from us at her mothers house. The roomate and girlfriend have an incredibly irritating relationship, they are one of those couples thats just together for the sake of being together and he never brings her out with us, they always complain about each other, etc etc. She is under the impression, however, that they're getting married next September (even though they're not engaged, she's making appointments for them to go look at venues, blah blah. I think there's a lot to the story we don't know or that he lies to us about.)
ANYWAYS-- long story short. My fiance's college roommate uses our house as an escape from his girlfriend. He comes and goes as he pleases, sleeps on our couch every night, bogarts our tv, leaves a bunch of his things here, the list could go on and on all day. At first we didn't mind because we understood needing a place to go to get away, but he's over here at least 5 nights a week. We don't have any privacy and it's getting to the point where I can't listen to him complain about his relationship anymore, because it's all he ever does.
What are some polite ways to ask him to stop coming over? Is the best way to just be direct and tell him to cut it out? Is it completely out of line to just start dropping subtle hints? I could care less if he's here once or twice a week but this is just ridiculous. It's getting to the point where friends who come over ask us if he lives here.....
Re: How do you get rid of a couch crasher?
Why are you worried about being polite? He obviosly does not undestand that word.
You are 30 you dont need to drop subtle hints, you need to TELL him to stay out of your house. Telling him 1-2 days a week is ok is NOT ok. Tell him you need him to stop using yojur house as a truck stop. Tell him he can not come over and acty like he lives there,
I have a strong feeling that your FI might not feel the same way as yoju do.
I think that politeness won't get him off your couch. You will need to be direct and make it known that you have made a decision and that is for him to go home! What about the girlfriend? Do you have a good enough relationship with her to possibly tell her how you feel so that maybe she can speak to him about this?
If all else fails, change your locks.
Thanks for the advice so far. I know I should probably just grow a pair and tell him to gtfo but I am not a confrontational person, and I do like him as a person, so I don't want it to impact our friendship.
FI is actually in agreement with me over the entire situation. Since it was his roommate in college and he's the one that gave him a key initially, he knows that any long drawn out conversation that occurs from this b/w us and couch crasher is going to have to start on his end. He's pretty stressed over the entire thing, to be honest.
As for the girlfriend? I would definitely not like to c-her next tuesday, if you catch my drift. She is a miserable, foul person full of negative energy and FI and I both try to stay as far away from her as possible. I guess if all else fails I could just call her up and tell her her boyfriend's been sneaking out of their house every night to come snore on my couch and then leaves at 5 AM to go make her a lunch and see her off to work... then comes right back and snores on our couch some more... true story :]
FWIW, he's over right now, so I think it might be a good time to just go down there and tell him to cut it out.
You are not doing him any favors by letting him crash at your house. If he has to deal with her 24/7, he will grow a pair, break up with her and get a place of his own. By giving him a refuge, you are prolonging the amount of time he is able to tolerate being with her.
I don't want it to impact our friendship
It seems it already has.
This. I've found out the hard way that friends being too involved in one another's romantic conflicts can breed MORE conflict with those friends, once it gets over-involved like this. Though, that having been said, since this has already gotten well into conflict territory, have you tried suggesting that he can do WAY better than this chick and needs to move on?
How?
You and he sit him down and tell him that you and he are no longer running a free hotel and that he can no longer stay there overnight.
You've got a freeloader and an unofficial housemate.
Get rid of him...and if your H is hesitant, you have an H problem, not an unwanted guest problem.
Change the locks. If you want to, get the kind that you don't have to change the whole lock mechanism to change, just the pin (so if you cave
Do not have a spare for him.
While the locksmith is out, have your H text him and say "dude, next time you need to sleep away from gf, get a hotel." If he feels the only HONORABLE thing to do is to tell him, he can make a phone call. But really, "friend" acts like a teenager, I don't think he deserves the respect of anything.
This friend does not have any respect for you, your privacy, or your home. Do not feel too bad about kicking him out!!!
I also don't think it's bad if your H is blunt. "Dude, we are sick of your face. Stay away."
After this, you should never EVER invite him over - even for one night!! Your house is not a cheap hotel for locals! I would also not invite him over for anything where there is a change that he would "crash" after the party is over. So either don't invite him over (only invite him to meet you AT bars, etc. If you have a party (NY eve, superbowl), talk with other friends who agree to get him out before you leave. Or don't invite him.
You could start charging him rent, when he balks you simply say "well, you're here more than at your own home so we figured you should help out with utilities and stuff. Don't like it? Spend more time at your own place!"
OR,
You could lock your doors and make sure he doesn't have a key. Then when he knocks, you tell him it's a bad time and you'll call him later.
He's beyond the polite hint stage, you need to go the direct route.
I'd tell him he's no longer welcome to stay the night and if he doesn't take the hint, then change the locks.
No, wait. I'd have my H, who's the one he's 'friends' with, to tell him so.
Your H needs to grow a set and handle this. It's his friend. I think he should be direct and just tell him that this is not cool. Hints are too easy to ignore. You are not in college anymore and I have a hard time understanding how you guys let this happen in the first place.
Although, it's pretty clear that he is a class A mooch. He lives with a woman that he doesn't like so that he can mooch off of her mother. Then he has your place to "escape" to when he can't handle the other. I wonder when was the last time he paid for anything other than a six-pack. He's got all of you in his pocket, right where he wants you.
I admit to giving you the side-eye for thinking it is understandable that he should want/need to escape from his gf so often- someone he has chosen to be with.
Oh, wait. He only wants her for free sex and her mother's house. Never mind.
Muddled-- it's funny, you're pretty much spot on on the entire situation (at least in my eyes) except they don't have sex anymore. Trust me, we get to hear him whine about it at least once a week. I don't think they've been intimate in going on 2 months now. Their relationship is so beyond effed-up that we + all of our mutual friends pretty much gave up on trying to understand it a long time ago. It's kind of a unspoken rule for him to not bring up his relationship in our house because he knows we'll just tell him (for the zillionth time) to break up with her. This is also the guy that has severe mommy/abandonment issues, doesn't think any other woman will ever find him attractive, and is still hopelessly in love with his ex-girlfriend from 7 years ago (they still talk 2 hours a day-- she's getting married even though she's clearly still enamored with him-- another situation I gave up on trying to even comprehend)
I'm just so sick of toxic people in my life and he seems to be one of them, whether he's trying to be or not. We've offered our spare bedroom to him for a low rent dozens of times, but he won't take it, because he's not ready to completely move out and let go (which, imo, he already has).
Regardless, he's out of town until Sunday now, which gives us plenty of down time and a way to figure out how to gently tell him he's not welcome anymore. I say gently because he really is a good guy, he helps out a lot when he's here and has helped out a lot with the numerous remodeling projects we've been doing here so he just needs to realize he's crossed the line now.
Of course he doesn't want to rent your room! Why would he when he already stays there for free?
I don't doubt that his relationship is terrible or that his gf sucks, but he needs to deal with it instead of bitching about it. Word it however you feel is appropriate, but be direct. As it is now, you are an enabler. He doesn't have to deal with his problems as long as you guys let him avoid them.
Good luck. I think it's great that you wanted to help out a friend, but as you said, there is a line and he clearly crossed it long ago.
Depending on your area and how he's set up there, you might have to check your local laws for evicting a non leased individual. Meaning, if he is coming and going but staying five days in a row because he has a house key, keeps his clothes there, et cetera, he may legally (I know it is stupid) have to be "evicted"... at least that is how it is in my neck of the woods, even for people not on the lease and not paying rent. {Edited to state: while it might seem overkill, my husband is in LEO and he sees this played out a lot...so if the friend is the type for vindictiveness or drama because you guys are "betraying" him then you'll just want to CYA with this step}
Aside from that, this is what I would do...have your FI change the locks, and then greet him outside of the house (you don't need to get into baring him from entry or puffing up chests in a defensive way...just simply sitting on the stoop, stopping the friend and telling him he would like to have a conversation in private and away from you).
FI can affirm his friendship, if that's what he wants to do, and tell the friend that he's done him a great disservice by giving him a hide-out instead of supporting him man-to-man. That would have been turning the fellow right around and telling him to handle his business with the woman involved. Who knows, helping in the manner might have prolonged the bad situation, if not outright contributed to it. Now that the two of you are about to set up a life that is more mature and serious, he has to put away all his frat-world mindset which includes offering his couch to people who are truly not endangered but are just running away from life's problems. Tell him that he has to go home (or find an apartment of his own if he doesn't actually have a place...and I don't care if it is with the girlfriend or not)...and that he has to do it right then and there. Crack the door open, pull out the duffle bag full of his stuff, shake his hand and say that he knows it is going to be hard and he hopes that things work out and to that end he's there to support him but not in the way he's done in the past.
Doesn't matter if he means it or not, it's righting what's been done. If your area is one that requires a legal eviction, then follow that to the letter, using this talk as serving notice (along with a paper back up, of course).