Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
At a loss
I don't expect answers or responses from anyone. Hell, I'll probably be flamed because no one here knows me. But, not being known by anyone - yeah that's the point. I need to get this out there and an anonymous message board seems like the only place. I'm living in a sexless marriage. Which is funny since we have an 8 month old baby. I mean. sex created him, right? Well, even getting there wasn't easy. I WORKED for this baby. Even then my husband wasn't into sex. I'd work to get it once a month. So, I charted and temped. And when the day came, I jumped his bones. 9 months later my sweet baby was born. Since his birth we have only had sex once. And it wasn't even to completion. Yes, we work opposite schedules. And MH watches our baby while I work during the day. So, he is tired and on limited sleep. I get it. And I appreciate it. Hell, I want him MORE because he is an amazing provider and father. But, like I said, sex wasn't a priority for him before. But, at least he responded to my efforts. And now? I feel so unwanted. I climb into bed with him and try to initiate. He "is too tired" and turns away. One time we were hot and heavy on the couch. I was ready. He wanted to watch Sports Center. Time after time after time. I am rejected. He says it isn't me. It's him. He just doesn't have the desire. He even went to the doctor to check for issues. Yeah, there were none. He says "please keep trying." So I do. But, again and again I am rejected. I just don't where to turn. I'm just so unhappy. And I'm starting to resent him. Why do I even bother? My sex life is non-existent and my husband isn't willing to change it. But, I love him and desire him so much. We want to conceive another baby. Doesn't he realize that conception requires sex? I just don't know what to do. I'm too young to live without a physical relationship (I mean, we kiss, hug and cuddle, but that only gets you so far); and I love him. I don't want sex with anyone else but him. Thanks for reading, or at least tolerating my words. Like I said, I just needed to get this out there.
Re: At a loss
Would you say you brought your baby into a happy marriage, or an unhappy one?
I would recommend marriage counseling so you can both get an objective perspective from a neutral third party. If he won't go with you, well that will speak volumes about how invested he is in you and your marriage, and at that point you should go on your own to figure out what to make of what your life is offering you.
And please, don't TTC #2 until you get this sorted out. It's really selfish and unfair to bring innocent kids into unstable relationships/homes. Really, really selfish and unfair.
All of this.
I left a pretty much sexless marriage, so I won't flame you for being unhappy about that, but I do think it's really irresponsible to even consider bringing another child into a marriage that seems problematic.
When you were dating him and you got physically involved with him, you should have ended the relationship when you realized he wasn't into sex like you were.
As you see, you cannot change him.
Why do you want to stay married to him being that there is already a good amount of discord?
you can either:
Accept the situation as is
See if he will okay an open marriage for you
Move on; take the kiddo and go.
This isn't a healthy environment for you or the child. I don't know why you wish to bring another kiddo into what's already a dysfunctional relationship.
He either has a low sex drive or he's gay.
If he encourages you to keep initiating, would it be possible to institute a schedule to see if that would help? Like, every Saturday, no matter what, you will have intercourse. (Okay, so it doesn't sound very sexy, but maybe it would help?)
I think you have to consider, if this is a problem that will never change are you interested in staying in the marriage? Would he consider an open marriage?
Then again, who knows?
What kind of normal red blooded male says "please keep trying"?
What were his relationships like with his former girlfriends -- the women he was seeing before he met you? Do you know?
You need resolution of this problem asap --- his continual rejections of you will shoot your self esteem to hell -- whether it's an open marriage or whether you take the child, have the marriage dissolved, and move on.
If he has never been into sex, I am not sure why you thought marrying him was a good idea.
But you guys may want to get him a full check up. Having no sex drive is not normal and perhaps your husband has a hormone imbalance.
Even if he isn't interested in having intercourse, you guys can still do things together that will be physically satisfying and intimacy building. He has to be willing to work with you towards a compromise.
Ditto the marriage counseling. Ditto holding off on TTC until you have sorted this out.
This, especially the bolded. He doesn't like sex and you do. Isn't that one of the fundamental things that marriage is about? Whether you both like sex or both don't, it's important to be on the same page. And then you had a kid with him...what? And now you want another kid in your sexless, unsatisfying, unfulfilling, unhappy marriage. Are you kidding me?
He has no sex drive, and it's not OK with you. Stay with him and stay unhappy, or leave and find someone who can satisfy you.
My Lunch Blog
I would agree with everyone else if it weren't for the fact that he wants you to keep trying. Something is weird there. I don't know if it's that he thinks the lack of sex is a problem, too, or that he gets a kick out of withholding sex while you practically beg for it, but something is up there.
I know he is aware that you're displeased by the lack of sex, but does he know how resentful you are, and how much this is driving you out of the marriage?
You are probably on to something -- I was thinking the same this -- at very best, this is some kind of bizarre passive aggressive game he's playing with you.
Sit this little cupcake down and tell him exactly that: you're resentful and his problem is driving you out of the marriage. See what he does when you say it -- and do NOT sugar coat it.