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Devastated
I was on this site many years ago and not sure where else to go with marriage issues. Maybe someone can help.
My husband told me several weeks ago that he is no longer attracted to me. This came after I bought a dress he didn't like. He got so mad that I didn't show him the dress before I bought it, etc. Eventually it came out that he was no longer attracted to me. Instead of sticking to my guns, I tried even harder to be what he wanted. It worked for a few weeks and then...
Last night he was nit-picking at me. He tells me I no longer make any effort. He says I am not tan enough (I usually tan because he likes me tan and says I look sick if I'm not tan but didn't go last night because I had work to do) and says I am out of shape. He intentionally grabs my fat at times and says "it's getting bigger." I am not overweight. I am 5'2" and 120 lbs. I wear a size 1 and workout everyday. Admittedly, I am not in as good of shape as I was at some points in our relationship but I no longer have a gym membership (he said it was too expensive) so I am doing what I can at home. He also says I don't do enough around the house. I usually use the weekends to catch up on chores but he has been making me do things every weekend. I am not saying I don't enjoy spending time with him but I need time at home to get things done.
The way he speaks to me really hurts me. Am I being too sensitive? Should I be trying to better myself in those ways? Or am I in the right? And if I am right, what do you suggest I do? I am at a loss.
Re: Devastated
Your husband is a dickbag.
YWIA.
Your husband is a complete a$$ and I can't believe you are even asking this question.
Please don't tell me that you're actually considering in putting stock into what you're pathetic POS husband is saying and are actually thinking of working to "better" yourself to his standards!
Any man who wants me to die of skin cancer for sheer vanity reasons is someone who is not worth my time. Someone who talks out of both sides of his mouth ("I want you to work out, but you're not worth spending the money on a gym membership") is not worth my time. Someone who focuses most of his attention on my physical attractiveness is not worth my time.
There is a man out there who will love your fat azz size 1. I'm a size 16, and my husband is constantly gushing about how pretty he thinks I am or how my body is hot as hell. When I was a size 24, he thought the same thing. Your husband would still be insulting you in these ways if you were a size 00. Nothing is good enough for a man like that.
You're at a loss... because you know there is no saving this marriage. Let that azzhole be alone and see how many women he gets with his killer lines... "hey baby... you should probably lose a pound or two. You'd be sooo much hotter if you didn't have any body fat".
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm just a lowly lurker, but I had to comment on this one.
Your husband is a douche. Run and don't look back. Any guy who is actually into you would never say such cruel things.
"I'll gladly take cold sores over eye herpes" -ElieFin
"Unicorn glitter gives me UTIs." -Leila'sMommy
Why should you have to run a dress purchase by your husband? He sounds controlling. Your husband should be working with you and building you up, not putting you down.
Please go to counseling. Talking it out with someone who is unbiased will help you to figure out how to best handle things.
eta: I mean counseling for yourself, by yourself. You need to work at building yourself back up to gain the strength to get out. He does not deserve you.
I'm insecure about my body too... but you better believe I don't call my H fat. Counseling doesn't fix azzhole. Cut your losses and run as fast as you can in the other direction.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
So what should I do?? I understand I sound ridiculous even asking this because if someone came to me with this I would absolutely say he was an ass too. But it's different when you're married to the ass.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I have thought about divorce but I don't know if I should give it another chance. Talk to him. I don't know. And I don't even know where to begin.
If you want to stay (BUT WHY WOULD YOU?!), counseling is a must. If he doesn't agree to that, leave.
I wouldn't even try the counseling, though. He's not worth it.
Seriously?
You could try counseling, but he doesn't sound like the type of guy who would admit his faults and talk to a professional. Leave him. Talk to a lawyer.
"I'll gladly take cold sores over eye herpes" -ElieFin
"Unicorn glitter gives me UTIs." -Leila'sMommy
How many chances has he already had?
We're kind of going out.
I'd go to counseling (ALONE)... so you work on building up the self-respect to learn how to refuse his treatment of you.
Each day you spend with this guy is a day of your life you're losing and will never get back. Your time is valuable... leave this fvcker. Or at least start to take steps towards that end.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
My H did this to me too, it's controlling and verbally abusive. This isn't new behavior and you're not in the wrong. It will only get worse so get out while you can. You shouldn't have to submit yourself to skin cancer because he likes you tan. Nor should you have to dress because it's what he likes (I did this too, it's a terrible feeling). You can't please him and never will because it's his issue, not yours.
Think about this, what's going to happen if you get pregnant? Do you really want to be with a man who finds you "disgusting" because you're pale and have a belly for 9 months to nurture his unborn child? He is a pig. Get counseling to help you prepare to leave this relationship. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Someone who would say such unreasonable, blatantly cruel things in the first place isn't going to be swayed by you talking to him about it. Please seriously consider leaving him. I know that might sound scary, but you do not deserve to be treated this way. If you don't think you can leave him just yet, at least see a counselor so that maybe you can get there eventually.
Has he always been like this?
Seriously, this is exactly what you should do.
I have been with him for over 10 years. Married for 5. I know you are all right. I am in tears reading the truth. Thank you for giving it to me.
As for counseling, he has refused. He has said he will in the past and then drags his heels and never actually sets a time to go. As I'm sure you would assume, he thinks our problems are mostly my fault anyway.
I want to leave. I really just don't even know how to go about it. I really just want to leave but have no where to go without completely turning every part of my life upside down. I know that sounds stupid too. But I don't live near my family or most of my friends. I would have to move back to that state, leave my job, my school, everything. My marriage is a huge loss but losing everything, including my independence would be even worse. I know some of you have been through this. I am just at a complete loss
I agree with imoan of course. You need counseling for yourself even when he tells you no you cant go or afford it. you need it and a lot of it.
he only treats you like this because you allow it. you have allowed him to verbally and emotionally abuse you and NOW it it is time to stop.
only you can stop this, but not unless you wont it to.
i wouldnt waste one second on counseling with this abusing douche.
Get a lawyer. Make copies of your financial records.
If you feel unsafe, find a safe place to go. Has he ever physically hurt you?
Remember that you can eventually move wherever you want to. You can stay in the same town if you want. It's your decision. As an independent woman, you get to choose these things. But get a lawyer first.
Honey you dont have independence...you cant wear what you want, go what you want, look like you want....that isnt independence, you are a prisoner to him and his abuse.
you should be thinking the totally opposite way...if you leave him and all the other *** you will THEN be independent and HAPPY!
Admittedly, I am not exactly financially stable on my own. That is why I am saying I would have to leave my job, school, where I live etc. Because if I'm leaving, I will need a place to live and I have noone to move in with here.
I am planning to go to counseling and speak to a lawyer. I know you're right. I also know he will fight me tooth and nail to give me nothing. Even what's mine.
I know many of you are saying I allow him to treat me this way and I guess I do but at the same time, I don't control what he says. I don't just sit back and take it but, at the end of the day, I can't make him stop either. I guess the only way to make him stop is to leave.
Thanks again for your advice, concern and compassion.
You allow him to treat you that way by your actions. You stay and take it and therefore tell him that it is perfectly acceptable to say and do the things he has done to you without consequence. Leaving would show him that you respect yourself and will not subject yourself to that type of treatment/behavior.
This is all a good idea.
You know, if you're a student, that means you're surrounded by people who are short on income yet need a place to live. Check your school for student housing (not dorms, but apartments that the school has ownership of or a deal with), and check bulletin boards for people in need of roommates.
I am a lurker, but feel very connected to your post from a past relationship I was in.
First of all, you should not feel bad in anyway. People who are emotional abusers seem to chip away at the person they abuse. It doesn't just happen all out, right away. It slowly comes out over time. They manage to slowly chip away at your selfesteem, years go by...you keep thinking it is in your head, or you are over-reacting and in the mean time what is really happening is that they have taken away your true identity and all of your self-esteem.
I literally had to walk away from my life. I moved out and never looked back because I finally got to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. It was THE hardest thing I ever did in my life. But once I made the decision, it felt soo good. As soon as I was able to get out a felt like I couldn't believe I could ever be a person who put up with being treatd that way.
I assure you, he will not change. I assure you, you can be happy again...you just have to take that first scarey leap. It WILL be worth it.
If you moved back to your family, would they help support you through the trasition/ As a grown adult I had to live with my mom a while. It was a total blow to my pride, but luckily she was supportive and didn't make me feel bad. Do you have anyone like that?