Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Devastated
Dude, nobody has that visceral and vehement reaction to an article of clothing. He's either got a screw or 2 loose upstairs or wow, he's just using what he said as his way out of the marriage.
Lose this guy. He has apparently checked out of the marriage anyway; what's there to save her? Marriage to a turkey? Forget it.
Another good suggestion:
See a counselor and nip this bull in the bud --- I'd hate to see you wind up with an inferiority complex because of what some scumbucket said to you.
Good luck; he sounds like quite the little prince charming.:(
As I see so many times on TIP comments...look up the cycle of abuse. You're in it. He's controlling, manipulating, and a total jackwad.
It might sound scary to leave and you might be faced with uncertainty and feel like you're losing your independence (and as - I think it was mags - said above, do you really even HAVE independence right now with this control freak?), but that would only be temporary. The alternative is to be a prisoner of his condescending, douchetastic emotional abuse the rest of your life. Which sounds worse?
And ITA with PP. Counseling is in order for you. You need someone to help you realize that this is not normal OR acceptable behavior from your spouse. What a diick. I want to kick him in the junk for you.
Could you find another part time job? Maybe look into getting a roomate ? Selling some stuff to build up your savings?
Oh and he can try to give you nothing but that doesn't mean that will happen. That is what Lawyers are for.
A million times THIS!!!
I was just going to ask this. I'm in CT and would be happy to check into various resources you have to make it without this d1ckbag.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
My ex-h used to make me feel like crap about how I looked after having a baby. I always felt like I had to live up to a trendy "look" for him to appreciate me. He is my ex for a reason ...
The man I am with now, and the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with, couldn't care less about what I wear, if I'm tan, if I put on make up. It took him six months of dating to notice I wear purple eyeliner and that was only after I mentioned that he never seems to notice how I look (btw, I'm the same height as you but about 30 pounds heavier and a size 10). He told me it was because he really didn't care how I looked, he cares about who I am. He loves me for my brain and the way I care about the people around me. Now he will comment that I look nice when we are at an occasion where he can tell I tried to dress up, but I have also learned that a man who really loves you isn't just going to find you attractive because of what is on the outside.
I've been in a relationship like this. You know it sucks and you know what you need to do. You need to get the heck out of there.
But, you don't have to sneak out like a thief in the night, taking only the clothes off your back. Go to counseling. If you are a student, I'm sure they have free counseling.Tell your counselor what you have told us- that's he is abusive and you want to leave. Work on the tools that you need to leave on your terms. I listened to things like that for four years. I was on a constant weight yo-yo because I was told that he wasn't attracted to me, that he didn't want to kiss me anymore. I needed to take charge. I needed to check out of the relationship and get strong and get my head together and figure it out.
I think that you need to be be quick about things, but I think that you don't need to rush into anything, if that makes sense? Don't make a rash decision about quitting your job and moving home. Like pp said-- find a roommate. Find an extended stay hotel. Don't look at this as a failed marriage- look at it as an amazing opportunity.
Even strangers on a message board know that you are beautiful. Don't waste it on him. Please come back and let us know how you are doing!
Your husband sounds a lot like my ex-Husband. I was 110lbs 5'2 when I met him. Like you he nit picked on any little flaw that he thought I had. I stayed with him because I did not know how to leave. Eventually I gained 30 lbs and didn't take care of my appearance because of the constant beat down. The more he critized me the less I cared about my appearance. The more he tried to get me to lose the weight, I failed even more in the "weight loss bettering myself journey." My own family didn't recognize me because of how tore up I looked. I started going to counseling alone and it took me two years in Therapy to finally get the strength to walk away from him. Wouldn't you know it, as soon I left my DB husband, I lost all that weight without even trying and because I was happy and emotionally healthy, it showed in my appearance. If you do not know how to leave, I ditto Imoan and tell you to go to Therapy. One thing I will urge you not to do is get pregnant. That is one thing I am extremely proud of myself is that I did not have a kid with him. It makes leaving a lot easier and when you do leave, you are able to cut ties with him forever. Good Luck
Yeah that's why I was asking but then I had to leave.
Are you a teacher? I have some contacts in various BOEs.
Can you support yourself in a small apartment with your current income? Are you a student? Or is your job as a teacher?
First things first. Get some free consultations with attorneys. Find one that you like. You'll want some advice on how to proceed. You should make copies of all your financial documents (bank accounts, retirement savings, debts, etc). You'll want to have all that when you meet with an attorney.
You need to just focus on baby steps. You can do this, and you'll be happier when you're not always being criticized and nitpicked.
Why do you think he'll fight you on the divorce? He's now said multiple times that he's not attracted to you. Do you think that's just a manipulation? If it's true, maybe he wants a divorce too, but is too chickensh!t to ask.
It sounds like he has you thinking that you cannot support yourself without his help. That's one of the ways he is manipulating you.
There are places set up for women who are trying to get out of abusive relationships. They are crisis centers and women's shelters. Even if he hasn't physically harmed you, he is clearly abusing you and that's enough reason to seek help. And if you're a student that's on their own, you are far more likely to get financial assistance.
No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated.
Get out and stay out. This man is a nutjob, and you are lucky to have him make clear to you just how little he cares about you now, before you waste another minute with him.
Get out and stay out. This man is a nutjob, and you are lucky to have him make clear to you just how little he cares about you now, before you waste another minute with him.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship too. I gained quite a bit of weight throughout the marriage, one day my ex husband said "Did you really put on all that weight?" I said to him....."Um what did you just say? That was not very nice." Stopped him in his tracks.
Your husband is a bully. If he says something to you again, I would say something like, "I am beautiful inside and out regardless of my weight and your an abusive a-hole. How does it feel to be you?"
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. It doesn't matter of you're 27 or 87, get out!!! I am all for savng marriages but NOT in this case.