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Paralyzed by the past
SO ladies... the last two days have been really rough for me.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary from my wedding date. Of course, I was down in the dumps for most of the day, and attempted to numb the pain with vodka. I was hoping my ex wouldn't contact me, but towards the end of the day, without fail, he sent me a few texts. He is determined to not let me forget him.
"I would give everything up in my life to take back what I did. I'll love you forever. You will always be my world. I love you - until the end. I wish I could see you or hear your voice. I can't go 45 seconds without seeing something that reminds me of you. Happy anniversary."
And then he went on to write me an email today. Saying that he has dreams about me every night. And he said he's sorry for telling me all this, but that all he has are his dreams of him and I, and without them, he has nothing.
"I miss you so much, I miss what we were, I miss holding you, I miss everything. I am overall very sad and lonely. The only thing I can do now is pray and dream of you and I being together again in the future. Please allow me to do that, I can't give up. I will never love anyone again like I love you, nor do I intend to even try. I've gone on a few dates with girls that are nice enough, but ultimately pale in comparison to you in every way possible. My life does not make sense without you, I don't make sense without you, I'm incomplete. Sorry for telling you all this, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to say this to you plus a lot more. I love you and would do anything to be with you. Please know that."
Seeing things like this send me back. Way back. And of course, I started crying because it hurts. And because my life is SO much different than it was a year ago.
I was with my BF all day yesterday, and he was incredibly sweet and understanding. He just held me on my floor as I cried. He is the most patient man I've ever met. I'm lucky to have him in my life. I cringe to think where I'd be if he wasn't in my life. I probably would have gone back to my ex, just because I love him, not because that's what I deserve. I know in my heart I deserve better than a liar and a cheater. But how do you fully get over the lingering feelings? All of the memories? Everyone says it'll take time. I just worry that I'll never be able to fully kick the sadness and hurt. What we had was so strong. He just f*cked it all up. Leaving me to pick up all the pieces and start over and try to recreate a love with someone else.
I'm just sad today - that's all. How do you cope with an ex who continues to hold out hope for you two to get back together? Do you block his number? Delete emails? I've already put my foot down (or tried to) by telling him that I don't want to talk to him anymore unless it was about the annulment (which was finalized last month). Now that that's over, I don't have a reason to talk to him anymore, but I know he won't make it easy for me. Just looking for advice. Thanks ladies.
Re: Paralyzed by the past
1. new phone number & new email account (or block him). It sounds harsh but he's not respecting boundaries and making life so much harder on you than it needs to be. He should not get to treat you like this. I guarantee he knows exactly what he's doing and it's not out of love, it's out of selfishness. If he truly loved you, he'd realize your relationship was over and focus on moving on himself rather than continuing to disrespect you.
2. Therapy. Dealing with divorce is so hard, especially when you carry guilt like this. Healing does, in part, simply take time but there's also more to it than that. It's also about progress, which is a process in which you must be proactive. So long as you allow him to do this to you, you're never going to fully heal.
You are not dealing with this in a healthy way even though you deserve to (and your BF deserves for you to).
{{hugs}}
I understand what you are going through, but at the same time you are not handling it correctly. I could almost have guessed EXACTLY what he wrote in the email to you, before I even read it. I received a similar email awhile after I split with XH and it was almost VERBATIM what your ex wrote. 'I've dated others but it's just not there, I will always love you and only you, blah, blah".
Anyways, at one point in time I had blocked my ex but now I can't because of our son. But YOU have no reason to still have these lines of communication open. You are keeping them open for whatever reason-you need to look into why you're doing this. You say he won't make it easy for you to not talk to him anymore but you have the power over this, completely and totally.
I'm glad your BF is supportive but you honestly have ZERO business in a relationship. Do you not see that you're using him as a crutch and a rebound? That's a self fulfilling prophecy and while it may be working for YOU, where does that leave HIM? That's really unfair and selfish of you to continue the relationship, IMO.
Look, I have to agree with PPs. You're not ready to be dating. If he still affects you like this, you're nowhere near healing.
Block him. Phone, FB, email, whatever. He has no business contacting you, and it's only going to tear you up.
Wait.
You got married one year ago today, are now divorced, and have a new boyfriend?
STOP. DO NOT PASS GO.
Can you really not see DISASTER written ALLLLL over this?
Thank goodness. I was wondering if I was the only one who noticed the timeline.
I'm sorry, but I have very little sympathy or patience for this kind of thing. You let him text you, you let him email you, you listen and read and feed on the drama of it all, laying around sobbing for a day in your new man's arms (oh, what a great thing for him to get to do) and yet you cannot seem to put your foot down. And the reason why? You get something out of it. Attention, drama, connection, whatever it is, but you're getting something from this. It's easy to change email addresses, it's easy to block emails and texts; this is simple. You haven't done it. Which tells me you are just as interested in getting these missives as he is in sending them.
If I were your new bf I'd be out of there pretty fast. I wouldn't press your luck with him much longer. Cut off contact and you'll find getting over him much, much easier.
All of this and then some... you really need some therapy to help you move past this. You're using the BF as a crutch and seriously, he probably has some issues himself if he thinks this is what he deserves... holding his GF as she sobs on the floor over her ExH. Seriously?
Yeah, honey, you're definitely getting something out of this whether you want to admit it or not. I wonder how old you are. And how old your BF is. AND what his baggage is that he's actually willing to sit around and hold you while you cry all day over your ex - who you married just a YEAR ago.
People like that are what I call "fixers". They want to "be the one" who helps you, who solves all your problems. Blah blah blah. And the reality is - these relationships are never, ever healthy. I would also call them immature.
You so need to NOT be in a relationship and you need therapy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm jumping on this bandwagon as well. I read so often on here about the "amazing man who is helping me through this hard time in my life." It's BS. Total and utter BS. No self-respecting person is willing to date someone who is still in love with their ex to the point that they are sobbing on the floor over it. Men that like broken, drama-llama women are either broken drama-llamas themselves or predators. Or, hell, both.
This is not a good guy. He is not a catch. Dump him and take on the task of healing yourself so you're not a codependent mess anymore. That will do more good for you in the long run than running into someone else's arms to soothe your soul. If you keep making the same mistakes, they stop being mistakes and start being a choice. You're choosing to live this way.
I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes. I stumbled upon it when I was going through my own divorce: "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member." - Groucho Marx. I translated it to mean "I wouldn't want to date someone who found a mess like me attractive."
To answer your actual question, yes, when a relationship where you truly loved the other person ends, you do eventually get over it with no residual feelings. What's more, that experience sort of expands your capacity for love, so that your next true love will be bigger, more intense, more everything.
*shoulder pat*
Thanks for all the opinions, ladies. I figured I'd get some good feedback, and some bad. And I'm OK with that. I'm sure a lot of ladies here are in the same position whenever they write. They probably think, am I gonna get blasted for this? It's the reality of posting - you have to be prepared for the good and bad.
I have been in therapy since I caught my XH cheating with his intern back in November. (We got married on Nov. 6 last year. And after we got back from the honeymoon, I found the evidence on Nov. 29.) It obviously happened very fast. We tried to work on the marriage - but honestly, how do you get a relationship back on track after something like that? It wasn't a "marriage" problem - it was a HIM problem. Our counselor recommended that he go to AA, SA, etc etc for years in order to figure out his demons. So I moved out in February and filed for an annulment in May (which was granted - thank God).
I'm a very self-aware person. I understand that my ex was a sick, sick person. The cheating was a result of HIM and his sickness. I found that through therapy, I was attracted to him to "complete the circle" of my own parent's divorce. That's why I kept going back to him after we'd break up. I am an eternal fighter in a relationship. I never wanted to see it end. I understand that now.
I know I will NEVER go back to my XH. There isn't a doubt in my mind. My original post was probably stupid to write on here, and I understand the comments about how I need to wait (for some specified or unspecified amount of time) before getting in a new relationship. I've had those same talks with my family about it being "too soon". But my last relationship ended because the jerk cheated and lied. It's not like we just "couldn't make it work" and we still have so much love for each other and we just "fell out of love" or whatever. I've come to peace with what happened. And my new BF knows all of the history. We were friends for a while before anything romantic happened. He's about to be 31, and I'm 27. Our relationship is based on complete honesty. He knows that my ex sends me these messages, and I am thinking about changing my number and email address. It is an easy fix. You girls are right. I do have the power to control this, and I will. I kept the lines of communication open earlier this year because we had to come to agreement on the annulment, and I obviously had to get all my furniture and stuff back. Now that that's done, I know that closing the lines of communication is the wisest choice.
I do realize that my subject line was probably a bit dramatic - I guess I'm drawn to alliterations? Totally kidding. It was just a dramatic day for me on Sunday, with the anniversary and all. Feeling like you were supposed to be headed in one direction, only to have your world completely turned upside down. That's normal. I don't act like that every day, or even at all. I haven't cried over him since May. I know I'm on the road to healing. I was just curious about how other people interact with their ex's, and if blocking them is completely the way to go. I see now that that's what I'll need to do. Thanks, all.
While you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, I still stand by my original statement that there's no way you're ready to date, ESPECIALLY knowing now that the man you promised your entire life to cheated on your within weeks of your marriage. That is completely emotionally damaging. This may be a HIM problem, but there's no way in hell you're recovered from that enough within a year to be in a happy, healthy, and TRUSTING relationship already, no matter how long you've known your new BF.
Also, in your OP you said "He is the most patient man I've ever met. I'm lucky to have him in my life. I cringe to think where I'd be if he wasn't in my life. I probably would have gone back to my ex, just because I love him, not because that's what I deserve."
Do you realize how unhealthy this is? If you weren't w/ another man, you would have gone back. This is SOOOOO codependant, it's not even funny.
You do sound lke you have a good head on your shoulders, but I don't think you're nearly as "at peace" with this as you think and I still believe you need to have time on your own to rediscover who YOU are, not who you are as a wife or a GF.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Life is a "live and learn" process and I can see that you feel strongly that you're doing it the right way. Sometimes you have to go through things in order to find out for yourself, rather than taking advice from e-strangers (even though many of us have been through similar things). I know, for me (coming from a marriage where I, too, was cheated on) I really thought I had a good handle on things LONG before I did.
My guess will be that you'll try to continue this relationship, and maybe it will work, but more likely it will not. Then you'll be sad, you'll think you can't go on, but you will realize that you CAN and you will pick up the pieces and maybe take some time for yourself to reflect on your marriage and what went wrong, and what you deserve out of life going forward. I'm a firm believer that this is essential to be in the best place possible, but I also realize that it's pretty much wasted effort to try to convince someone in your position of that. You will just have to go through it to really understand.
And I also majorly side eye your BF for staying with someone who clearly has much, much more healing to do. I think it speaks about the type of person HE is to be willing to be a healing crutch for someone, no matter how much he professes to care about you. It seems that there is some self respect missing on his part. I know I would not get into a situation with someone who was still as fragile as you are. It simply isn't fair to be someone's "rock" as they try to get over someone else. If someone is in a good place emotionally themselves, this sort of thing doens't look appealing at all. Sorry.
I don't think I'm doing anything the "right" way, or the "wrong" way really. I'm just living and learning and picking up the pieces to move forward.
For what it's worth, I have been talking to my counselor about my new relationship, and she says that "any guy who can make me smile like he does is worth it." She's a real straight shooter - and she doesn't buy into the whole "you must wait 6 months, 1 year, 1 1/2 years, or half the length of your past relationship to heal." She tells me that I'd know hands down if I wasn't ready. Her advice (whether others think it's right or wrong) is to enjoy my life and enjoy the good people in it. The people who love me and enrich my life and continue to be a good support. She always says, "Stop overthinking whether it's the right time or not."
I don't think it's a bad thing if him and I both know the situation and can openly talk about any issues that the other person has. He tells me that I don't talk about my ex enough, actually. Which I thought was weird. I very much disagree with what some have said about how he's trying to "capitalize" on a fragile situation. He has been nothing but wonderful, and a fresh breath of air into my life. But like achase said, it is wasted effort trying to convince anyone of my situation. It is what it is - and I'm working through everything a day at a time.
This is an interesting topic for me though. I've talked to my mom at length about moving on after relationships. (In her case, after her and my dad split after being together for 23 years, she never got remarried. She said that she knew she waited too long to seriously date again. After being with my dad, she said no one ever compared to him, and she became way too set in her ways as an independent woman. She always says jokingly that she "missed her window.") She's an incredible person, but she knows that she just became so independent after being alone for so long, that she never wanted to put in the effort or compromise her ways for another person ever again. Probably a combination of a shrinking dating pool and her age, who knows?
Every situation is different, and I don't think anyone else can decide what's right for you... but you!
So.
Your mother's situation has had no lasting impact on your eagerness to date after a divorce? None?
Your therapist says that if you know it's right then it's right? You should stop paying her then, I guess.
And I still feel badly for your current boyfriend, while you're collapsing in year-old sobs because your ex can still push your buttons like it was yesterday.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Have you considered the impact of what your mom went through in relation to your own dating life? Do you think that a small part of you is worried that you will end up like your mom....alone? Are you also worried that you'll "miss your window"?
I still think it's quite strange that your BF says that "you can't talk about your ex enough"? Really? Aren't there millions of other things that I would think he'd rather talk about with you than someone you were knocking boots with just a year ago.
As far as your therapist and her take on the timeline thing, I'm not disputing that some people might be ready to date earlier than others, hence there not being a set timeline of "well you're ready to date now that two years have gone by". However, based on your original post you are CLEARLY far from being ready to date. Not just because you still have some emotions tied to your ex (although I'm pretty sure those will fade in time) but because you're still engaging with him and I'm not at all convinced that you will stop anytime soon. You are getting something out of this, and you really need to look hard at yourself to see what that is. Is it some sort of vindication knowing that he is still professing his love for you when he was the one who cheated? Sort of like, "hey, look at me, now you want me but you can't have me but it is still mighty satisfying to see you beg". Whatever it may be, to me, it says that you've still got a lot of healing to do.
It's up to you though what kind of approach you want to take with this. I think you'll have to face the healing process sooner or later. The more you put it off the longer you'll be dragging out the inevitable.
You say you haven't cried over your XH since May...but yet you were a heaping mess in the middle of your floor just the other day?
I can tell you're not healed just by the words in your posts. If you were, you'd be able to look back on your marriage and your XH in a different light.
She tells me that I'd know hands down if I wasn't ready. Her advice (whether others think it's right or wrong) is to enjoy my life and enjoy the good people in it.
I agree w/ the 2nd part - yes, we should enjoy life and the people in it.
But the first statement??? Please. Give me a break.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I just wanted to clarify. If you had read a few posts above, you'd see that I wrote that my guy WANTS me to talk about my ex more. I hardly do. In fact, I don't ever talk about him anymore. Sunday was the year anniversary - so it shook me a little bit. But bottom line, in my day to day life, I don't feel the need to talk about him or our past. My guy tells me that he thinks it's weird that I don't talk about it more often because of how traumatic it was. He just wants to make sure that if I do feel like talking about anything, that he's there for me. I'm perfectly fine talking with my counselor about it (if it comes up) and not bringing the drama into conversations with my guy.
The point of my entire post was to see how all of you communicate with an ex who wants you back. (Who you don't want any communication with.) I didn't ask opinions about if I'm ready to move on or to discuss my current relationship. But, thank you for all of the advice though.
"my guy WANTS me to talk about my ex more." and "My guy tells me that he thinks it's weird that I don't talk about it more often because of how traumatic it was." That is really creepy and inappropriate... hey fixer, codependent trait. At least you aren't talking about it with him... that's good that you have boundaries there at least.
"so it shook me a little bit." Shook you a little bit? You were sobbing on the floor... what happens when you're shaken a lot?
"The point of my entire post was to see how all of you communicate with an ex who wants you back. (Who you don't want any communication with.)" Really? Um, if you don't want communication with someone, you don't communicate with them. You block them. You couldn't figure that out on your own?
You're obviously going to do what you like so have at it and I really do hope it works out for you whether BF stays in the picture or not. He obviously enjoys taking care of you because you apparently can't do it on your own and you don't want to because god forbid you miss your "window" by being too independent by giving yourself some space to heal.
::standing ovation::
Why so harsh bluebird?
Whoever said anything about him taking care of me or me not being able to take care of myself?
The communication thing is sticky - because a lot of people on here do keep in touch with their ex's, and I just wonder how that goes and if it can actually work when one party wants to get back together and the other party doesn't. Some people keep in touch because they have kids together, etc etc.