Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My First Post, looking for women dealing with DH recovery from addiction
Hi ladies, my name is Lauren and this is my first post on this board (I am a regular Bump poster.). This could get a little long, and I am on my iPad so apologize beforehand for any grammatical errors. I have been very happily married for almost 4 years. We have an amazing 17 month old son, and until now life as I knew it has been fairly good. Recently I have been tracking some strange (assumed fraudulent charges on our bank account.). DH assured me that he had contacted the bank and they were sending him a new debit card (the charges were on his checking account, all were under $10 and there were 15 separate charges almost daily from oct. 24-nov. 3). I thought that the issue had pretty much been resolved, the total amount for the charges was about $60. On Saturday I had a long planned ladies poker night at a friends house. I left home around 7:30 after we had put baby to bed, DH was happy for me to have a night out, things seemed well. On the way to my friends I decided to double back to our corner liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine to take with me. Imagine my shock when DH walked out of the store in front of my car as i pulled into the parking lot. He had left our baby at home alone in order to go by himself booze. Talk about a major "AHA" moment for me. He is usually so reliable and responsible I felt completely blindsided. I really can't even adequately describe my feelings at that moment, they ranged from sheer rage to shock, worry, concern. Totally surreal. Later that evening I put two and two together after seeing that he had used his "canceled" debit card to make the alcohol purchase. He had lied repeatedly to me about these weird charges, and I knew immediately that this problem went far deeper then the events of Saturday night. I stayed up all night Saturday tracking and printing bank statements, going through our cell phone bills, his emails, texts, etc. I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with. I composed a very heartfelt letter and basically staged an intervention on Sunday while our DS was napping. When laid out all the evidence DH finally admitted to me that the charges were for cough medicine. He has been abusing the drug dextromethorphan which can be found in nearly every single cold and cough medicine on the market. He admitted that he had turned to this drug because it has almost all of the same "high" feelings as alcohol but you can't smell it on someone's breath. He had been abusing alcohol to this point but realized that I would figure it out soon since he was having to drink so much to feel drunk. He also confided that he thought he was suffering from major depression. Again, the range of emotions I felt was huge. He met with his doctor yesterday and has been put on Wellbutrin and will begin counseling immediately in conjunction with weekly follow ups from a nurse as well. He will also be starting AA this week. I am trying to build a network of support for myself at the same time. I begin counseling next Monday afternoon and begin Al-anon meetings tomorrow evening. I am admittedly very nervous as I don't know what to expect. I would love to touch base with anyone in a similar situation, PMs are fine. Does anyone know of any online forums that might be helpful? I like the idea of having IRL support and virtual support as we begin this journey. OMG this got so long....sorry! And thanks in advance for any help/advice. Thanks for listening and responding if you can!
**Landon Keith 6/03/10 6lbs. 9oz. 19 inches**
"When the waves are flooding the shore, and I can't find my way home anymore, that's when I......I look at you" Miley Cyrus
Re: My First Post, looking for women dealing with DH recovery from addiction
My H is a recovered alcoholic. Stopped drinking in May, 2009, so he's 30 months sober.
He was hiding alcohol. We worked together, so he'd leave at lunch and say he was going home to walk the dog...which he did, except he'd stop by the liquor store for some vodka first. He would hide the vodka in the spare room and in the evenings he'd pour it into whatever soda or juice he was drinking, and I'd have no idea. I discovered it when one night he went all nutso (which happened from time to time when he was drinking). Vomiting, crying, ranting, incoherent speech, etc. He admitted what he'd been doing, and saw a counselor the next day.
We had a very frank talk about it. I told him I loved him and that I wanted him to get better. I wanted to support him, but I wasn't going to support someone who wouldn't help himself. I would stand by him if he'd go to therapy (I went with him sometimes), go to AA every day (they say you should start AA by going 90 times in 90 days), and seek the root of this (depression).
He's done remarkably well so far, and I'm very proud of him. There's a lot more to the story, and it hasn't all been puppies and rainbows. There was a lot of mourning at the beginning. I was sad that life would be so different. I was sad that he'd never get to enjoy a beer again. I was angry that he'd been sneaking around. I was sad that life as we'd known it was over and things would be so different. I was sad that he had to deal with this. I was just sad and angry and mad and lots of things.
I used to have a glass of wine frequently after work, and I've given that up entirely. I almost never drink in front of him. My parents are uncomfortable with drinking in front of him. We keep no alcohol in the house. Occasionally if he is acting funny, I wonder if he's been drinking (he hasn't). There's always a little nagging something in my head. I know it won't go away, but it dimishes over time.
Good luck. This isn't an easy road. I hope your H can really commit to recovery.
My Lunch Blog
Go to Al-Anon. You will find a great deal of support as everyone there also is affected by the drinking of others.
Recovery isn't easy and things are never going to be the same. Sobriety is not an easy thing to achieve when someone is an addict. He has shown that he will lie to you and endanger his child's welfare because as an addict, the alcohol is more important than ANYTHING ELSE.
Ditto the 90 meetings in 90 days. Meeting makers make it.
Ditto Al Anon.
Like PP's said- this isn't going to be easy. I'll be 100% honest here; most addicts don't change for good. When a person is an addict they basically become the drug. It consumes them and makes them do things that when they are in a rational state of mind they would need dream of doing (like leaving their child alone to get alcohol)
This is not what you want to hear but get everything together. Be prepared that you will have to walk if he doesn't overcome this. Your child doesn't need to be raised in this atmosphere.
Keep in mind I am NOT saying DTMF, I'm saying be prepared to. Document everything, get your financial situation in order, etc. Because if he doesn't get better you'll have 3 options: 1) watch him go down in flames, 2) go down with him or 3) walk out the front door.
Also keep in mind that an addict is ALWAYS an addict. Just depends on if he has control or not. He can NEVER drink again. Period. One drink and he's done for.
**just a note since I sound heartless- a dear friend of mine is a recovering addict. He's been clean for 2 years now. I have more respect for him than anyone else in my life because I know how hard he fought (and is still fighting) to overcome this. He's a prime example of how much people can change when they want it bad enough**
**Landon Keith 6/03/10 6lbs. 9oz. 19 inches**
"When the waves are flooding the shore, and I can't find my way home anymore, that's when I......I look at you" Miley Cyrus
**Landon Keith 6/03/10 6lbs. 9oz. 19 inches**
"When the waves are flooding the shore, and I can't find my way home anymore, that's when I......I look at you" Miley Cyrus