Trouble in Paradise
doglove
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I feel like banging my head against the wall
Over that thread below.
Re: I feel like banging my head against the wall
Me too. And not at the OP, but at all the people who are like, oh yeah, well, that's totally reasonable that physical intimacy in a marriage depends on what you look like, because none of us are going to age or change physically EVEREVEREVER!
I am so, so saddened that this kind of mindset is considered to be normal and acceptable.
I don't know. I don't think it can ever be one extreme or the other.
Physical attraction is so important BUT I would bet, 9 times out of 10, that when one spouse or the other changes looks for the worse is has to do with illness, depression or something of that nature.
That said, you would hope that your mate is not a totalasshole and only concerned with the way you look.
I mean, what about military vets who lose a limb or get half their face blown off?
I think the person who has changed physically is the one that sets the tone. If she dislikes the way she looks so much that she's given up on doing her hair, make-up and wearing clothes that fit and make her feel good about herself, then her husband is obviously going to notice. If she complains constantly about how much weight she gained, there's just so many 'you look beautiful no matter what' comments her husband can make before he gets tired of hearing her complain without trying to fix herself. Should he have said what he did? Probably not, but I can understand how he might be frustrated with the situation and not know how to help her.
I definitely think he's in the wrong for saying what he did, but it doesn't sound like he said it just to be mean to her.
Not that he should ever act towards their spouse like that (I do think that what he said was harsh and wrong) but I could see how it would be frustrating to be with someone who completely ignores there outside appearance and health, If it was my H I'd let him know my concerns and try to help but after 3 years I think I'd get frustrated if he's not yet going to see a therapist or someone about this or if I'm not seeing any attempt at getting better. If he's still in the jogging pants, no hair cut, no shave and crumbs on his shirt I'd have a hard time not saying something stupid like her H did out of frustration.
She said that she still kept up with hygiene, and that her weight gain was due to both birth control and also a HEALTHY choice, namely no longer partaking in tobacco and cocaine. I'm not sure what he really has to be frustrated about. Smoking and coke make you skinny. Depo makes you fat. It's just the way it is.
And if a natural face and a ponytail are the difference between "I want to f*ck you" and "You repulse me", then that's not really better.
Nothing wrong with a bare face and ponytail (that's my usual weekend look), but that isn't how she used to wear her hair and face and she's not doing her hair and make-up because she doesn't feel like it's worth her effort because fat can't be pretty in her mind.
I'm not defending him at all because he was wrong to say that, but if you suddenly change your look and do it because you don't feel it's worth the effort because you don't feel like anything will help you, then it's bound to have an impact on how other people view you.
I also realize I have run-on sentences.