Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How long to date before second marriage?
This is a hypothetical question (I am not dating currently) but I have some friends who have been dating two plus years, post divorce and still no engagement, some who have been dating less than six months and are already engaged, and some who waited even longer (four plus years) before finally getting remarried after a divorce.
I don't really have any strong opinions on the subject because I dated XH for over three years before we tied the knot and it was wrong the whole time (and I knew it deep down). Sometimes I think people have a strong desire to do things exactly opposite of the first time around but it doesn't always work out (couple who waited four years to get married are now separated).
Anyways, what's everyone elses' take on how long to wait before getting engaged or remarried after a divorce?
Re: How long to date before second marriage?
Case by case based on the person. Some wait because of emotions - others because of finances, family issues and other factors (just as it comes into play with 1st marriages too).
SO and I were long distance the first year. So while I count that, it's not the same. I was separated but still married the first few months we dated, so my divorce is pretty fresh. We have lived together since March of this year. Both of us are divorced and not in a rush to get re-married. We do want kids, so our decision on when to marry will likely be dictated by potential kids too.
Overall, I love him. I want to marry him. I'm not emotionally ready and I'd like us to be a little more financially ready too. We'll be together 2 years in March. I can see getting hitched 2 - 3 years from now if things continue to go well for us.
We're likely moving again in March when our lease is up...there are some job changes coming down the pike too. I think it's important to go through change and adjustment a couple times in a relationship to make sure it is strong.
I hope this answered your question..but the bottom line is the reasons/how soon someone re-marries is not so cut & dry.
Not really so much of a question as a discussion. I'm bored and waiting for an email to come through so I can start another bank of 1,200 online testing questions.
My rule for myself is at LEAST dating a year before and engagement and no more than 2 years without an engagement or talk of engagement.
Is it set in stone? No, but this is what I feel the most comfortable with and would not deviate much either way most likely.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Since L has a child, I will ask this: how does one person having a kid involved make a difference? No judgement, it's just a point for discussion. Should you live together first, or not? Do you wait longer than a year for stability purposes, and then get engaged?
Well, in my situation, I am the one with a child (I know you're asking Haines but I'll jump in) so I would say that definitely plays a HUGE roll in all of this. Even moreso if the person I end up with has children. That's a very delicate thing and can cause many problems with the yours, mine, and ours scenario.
I have no idea. I feel like it's a crap shoot at this point. How many posters come in saying they had a great marriage but just fall out of love or their H decides he doesn't want a family anymore? There are women on here who dated their XH's for a decade, others only 3 months before getting engaged. Who even knows...
I'm so far from this thinking right now that it's like asking what I would do if pigs started flying--video tape them? turn them into carrier pidgeons? hold a country fair? make my bacon fly on to my plate every morning? Hmm, what would I do if pigs started flying...
I think it's the parents job to make sure the child is comfortable with the progression of the relationship. I don't think it matters if you live together first or not. In our case, we'd prefer to be engaged before living together.
I think it all depends. I was with my XH 5 years before we got married and at that point we already had a house and a child...I know people who've been together 5+ years before they got married and then have gotten divorced and I know people who were together jsut months before they got engaged/married and are still very happily married. As my Girlfriend says, when you know you know.
I do insist on living with someone for a substantial amount of time before marrying them. You need to be sure you are truly compatible with your living habits and your finances.
I agree that people tend to feel like they have to do the opposite to get a better outcome the next time around. I also agree that that definitely does NOT ensure success. I don't think it's a terrible mind-set, though, because it means the person is putting lots of thought into it, and trying to be cautious.
I guess I've thought about it... but I think for me, it's less about the length of time and more about the quality of time (kind of like carrots was saying I think) -- you want to go through some things with your partner and see if you can handle them well together. You want to take him for a test drive that includes some highway driving at 60mph, not just a 5-minute jaunt around the used car lot. I think that's what's most important.
I think it varies, on a case by case basis and there isn't any wrong or right way to do it.
I've been dating the FF for 7 months, but have known him since I was 13-14. I love him, our relationship is amazing, and we've talked about marriage. (He's divorced w/ no children). I won't get married to someone I haven't lived with, but I won't move in with someone unless there's a wedding being planned. That being said, I can't move out of my house until April (at the earliest) because of the tax credit, and we will have been dating a year by that point.
If he asked me tomorrw, I'd still say yes, but would have a longer engagement (at least a year) and I wouldn't move in until April. If we reach and surpass the 1 year mark before getting engaged, I would have no problem having a shorter engagement (6-12 months).
I think the second time around we're more aware of those voices that tell us "Hey, dummy, this isn't right!!". If we've learned the right lessons from our failed marriages and taken the proper time to heal, we're more inclined to make the right choice the second time around.
Steal one, trap it, and train it to let me ride on its back while he flies me around everywhere... that's what I would do, at least...
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I totally agree!
My answer is a mix between Carrot's and ECB's. I think it's so highly subjective, but at the same time more caution should be exercised if the divorce is fresh and/or it's the first person you dated post-divorce.
For me, I wouldn't want to be engaged prior to a year together.
I don?t think there is a black and white answer for this. All relationships have some sort of dysfunctional elements. I believe the more dysfunctional you are, the likely you are going to attract someone of the same level of dysfunctional. With that being said, some people take the time to analyze their previous relationship and take the time to learn the lessons before getting into a new relationship, this also means looking at the ugly truth of ourselves as well. Others don?t take the time and want to fill in their needs quickly or in denial that they need to be worked on. Some are simply healthy because their divorce was something that bizarrely happened out of their control. Some people just do not know how to say ?no? to a wrong relationship and thus get themselves into the same cycle again. Other times, I do think the right partner can come at very odd times.
Another thought is women tend to have relationships/marriage deadline due to their biological clocks and wanting to start a family in a certain time frame, this can lead to dissapointment if this does not happen in the time they imagine it would and this desire can get in the way of recognizing a healthy relationship over the not so healthy relationships. Some people simply do not want to be alone either. I have a son and it takes 2 people to be a family, because I do have a relationship at home even though it is not between me and a s/o, this helps me have patience to wait longer for the right relationship than if I were to not have had kids yet. So I would understand why someone single and alone would desire to jump in a relationship sooner.
Right now I am letting my faith lead me and just let things happen with my eyes wide open as much as I can and to be as observant with how others behave towards me. I made a decision to not think about dating until my divorce is final which my personal choice is. I don?t know when I will be ready but that is not something I am going to worry about until when I am. Today has enough worries.
I am not embarrassed to say that I am going through my second divorce. The first time, I got married too young and it was a very violent relationship that even started before the marriage took place. I was too scared to leave. The second time, I truly was happy and had no idea that my stbxh was thinking otherwise. He was so good at hiding his feelings and living a fa?ade. He portrayed himself to be someone different that he was. I could not have known this but I am proud of myself for being honest in the relationship. What happens in life can go out of control and we cannot do anything about it. It is na?ve of us to think we can pick a perfect relationship before it happens; otherwise we would not be on the starting over board.
We just have to keep our head high and never stop learning lessons.
I agree with this logic. The first guy I dated post-divorce I fell HARD for more than likely because he was the first guy I dated post divorce, and not so much because he was so wonderful.
When you're still a bundle of emotions and have come out of a bad relationship where you were not treated well, that is not the optimal time to be making major life decisions.
We are definetly more aware but no relationships is guanteed.
Oh and to add to the discussion, I would need to be in a committed relationship for at least a year before getting engaged.
My opinion on it is, that if two people want to get married, it will happen, there is no need to rush it.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
We got engaged after dating for 1.5 years. So we will have been together 2.5 when we get married. I'm completely comfortable with this pace.
We're kind of going out.
I want this to be my opinion, too!
And honestly I think the more I want to believe it, the more I do believe it.
I never said the relationship was a guarantee. My point was that for those of us who married the wrong man the first time around (and knew it was the wrong person) are more inclined to make a better decision the 2nd time around. Obviously there are other factors that come into play that are beyond our control.
me! me!
I'm against time lines anymore. They don't mean shiit to me after being through a divorce situation. Someone mentioned it above, that people come here after knowing their dude for a decade and end up out of love, some were quick relationships that didn't work - they all led to the same place so who cares?! Clearly it wasn't the time spent prior to the wedding that caused it. I am not even out there dating, but when I do, I am not going to mark my calendar of when it's 'ok' to feel a certain way or do certain things. I'm doing things on my own time and when I feel it's right for me, and us as a couple.
I usually say three years of dating (for me, not for anyone else!) Because it seems like around 3 years is when you lose a lot of the butterflies and chemical infatuation and it's just you and them, I want to know that we will still love each other because we WANT to and not because we are still infatuated with each other.
That's a good point and what I am trying to say
Quality over quantity
We've survived the LD relationship
We've survived a move of over 800 miles together
We've almost survived our first year of living together and love each other more and more each day
We'll go through some more stuff in the next year, but this first year has been so taxing on both of us (me paying for my divorce and some debt, him selling his condo, dealing with 3 hr commutes, his dog almost killing my cat, etc.)
But truth be told - I was one of those, met the guy, engaged 10 months later girls - married after 4 months - but 10 months, or even a year, is not enough time to really know someone (IMO...not dogging anyone who feels differently).
Living together was super important to me, making sure we have similar views on finances, sex life, general routine. I could be engaged a week and it wouldn't matter to me - it's all about the relationship and making sure it WORKS before there is a formal ring and committment.
That said - he is my "first" SO after my divorce so I have my eyes and ears open. I just feel lucky to have him in my life. And finally, my parents approve
I'll bite.
BF and I have been together a year and are moving in together in Feb (that will be a year and 4 months). We have talked about getting married. We know it will happen. We know what the ceremony will be like and what the reception will be like (we just want a simple dinner party -- no big hoopla). But we aren't engaged yet and it will probably be another year or so before that happens.
We both want a child together and I made it clear that my shop closes up when I turn 40 ... so that's my timeline for marriage and baby (I'm 36 now). He knows the timeline and thinks it is good.
All that to say, I don't think there is a cut and dry answer. It just has to be a timeline that you are both comfortable with. And if both parties make their wants and needs clear and are honest, you will know what is best for you.