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My husband's friends are being ridiculous! (sorry, long read.)
2 months ago, while my husband and I were still in the thick of planning our wedding, one of his close friends decided to throw together what we thought was a game night. My husband replied yes we will both be there. We didn't read the email very thorougly though, and at that time, this get-together wasn't our top priority. I thought it a bit strange that anyone would plan a game night 2 months in advance, especially when they know we are still planning our upcoming wedding. The get-together was for this coming sunday, Nov. 12th. Last week, Nov. 6th, I went to a baby shower hosted by the friends of my husband's who are throwing this game night get together. The whole time, they kept mentioning they're looking forward to seeing me at game night next week. I was too, until I found out that game night, was actually a game day. They planned it for Sunday from 10a-5p. DH and I both thought it was from 5p-10p which made more sense for a game night to us. I already told my mom I would help her host a Pampered Chef party during the day the 12th, and leave early to make this game night. But I made a mistake and got the time wrong. So as we were leaving the shower, and they said again they were excited about seeing me at game night, I broke that news to them and apologized.
The following Tuesday, my husband's friend shows up at DH's office, slams a handwritten note on his desk and walked away. Here's what it said:
Im handwriting this in hope it will convey my respect for you.
I'm dissapointed.
I scheduled this lunch two months in advance and with regard to your wife's work scheduel - specifically so all of us would have a chance to get to know each other better. i know she has mentioned that she doesnt know your friends that well. and I know your friends (including me) have said we don't her that well.
you rsvp'd yes for the both of you to this lunch. the first insult is that your reneging on your commitment to come to the lunch. secondly and even more insulting is that neither of you said anything to me. your wife has made it clear that spending time with your friends is not a priority for her. and youve made it clear that your okay with that. im at a loss to figure out what the next step is here.
I won't expect to see either of you this sunday,
communicating,
D
Although, I know I shouldn't have, I did respond to this guy's letter b/c I have been continuilly excluded from that circle of my husband's friends for years. And my husband had them in our wedding even though I had to bite my tounge when D's brother B (our best man...oy vey) threw my DH his bachelor party, asked me for a list of friends' names, emails and numbers. Gave him that list, and he only invited himself, his brother D, my 2 brothers, and his friend J. There were 8 other guys not included that my husband wanted at his Bach. party. It was so ridiculous! There's a lot more to this story, but seriously, who does this guy think he is?
Sometimes we have to take risks. Otherwise, what's the point?
Re: My husband's friends are being ridiculous! (sorry, long read.)
How old are these people?
What was your response?
what is your DH's response?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's pretty ridiculous of this guy to write a note to convey his unhappiness. But:
We didn't read the email very thorougly though, and at that time, this get-together wasn't our top priority.
You're doing the exact same thing you're accusing this guy of doing. And seeing as how you say you've been "continually excluded" from that group of friends, and how the guy called you out specifically in the note for not supporting your husband's friendship with these people, I'm wondering if the problem is truly as one-sided as you're saying it is. Are you sure you've done absolutely nothing in all these years to piss these guys off? I find it really hard to believe that they just hate you for absolutely no reason.
It sounds like all of you have a problem with not making other people a priority. Maybe you're better off not being friends at all, if you're all going to act like this.
DId the invite say "game night" or something else?
Sounds like you are letting all the past events color your perception of this event.
I changed my name
The note seems childish, but I can kind of see both sides to this. You probably should've read the invite better and talked with them about the "game night" sooner (since you had 2 months to talk about it). There was misunderstanding on both sides, it seems. But now both sides are offended and it probably won't do much good to try to explain/rationalize.
It kind of sounds like you don't even want to be friends with this guy anyway. Maybe it's best you aren't going to the game night if he's such a tool.
What did your response to the letter say?
It's kind of long, but here was my response:
Dear D,
I?m typing you this email because I don?t have means to send you a written letter at this very moment and this misunderstanding has happened so quickly and there is not a lot of time to actually mail you a handwritten letter. Wish I could have given you the same ?consideration and respect? as you put it, as you gave to C. I understand your frustrations regarding my absence to your party you planned over 2 months ago while C and I were very much involved with larger priorities and no offense to you and your wife, but we did have other things going on (WEDDING), and your email, as humble a request as it was, wasn?t our top focus at the time and was kind of forgotten for the time being. I knew we would get back to it at a later time. Last week, my mom had requested assistance with a pampered chef party on the same day as your party and I had written down 5pm-10pm for your game night in my calendar. I told my mom I?d help her with the party, then leave right away so I could still make your get-together. I must have had a dyslexic moment when I wrote it in my planner, which is normal and people do make these mistakes sometimes.
While I see where you?re coming from in the letter you wrote C, I must say that I am disappointed in you for writing a letter to my husband who I love and care about very much making him feel badly because I made a mistake with this event you planned way far in advance when we obviously had other things going on at the time, and expected us both to make it our priority. Then you accuse me of not being interested in getting to know your group better. Excuse me, but I do recall inviting you all over last year around Christmas to get to know our wedding party, and you all declined. I invited both your wife and B?s wife to my wedding showers, and they both declined. I invited you all over for dinner and bowling during the year which you shockingly made it to, and Chris and I both went to your wedding, had you and Brian in our wedding, and I went to J?s shower. I would?ve gone to h?s but I did have to work. Then to exclude C from Sunday?s get-together was really a low blow. How dare you make him feel bad when he had every intention of still going. He may not be the best at notifying you of our plans, but I do try to keep on him about telling people things in a timely manner. Nobody?s perfect. For you to judge him or me because of a get-together that you chose to plan during our prime wedding-planning time is despicable. We got the time wrong, and I can?t make it now. I think it?s time to grow up children.
Next time you feel like jumping to conclusions, maybe you should make sure you have your facts straight first.
Cordially,
K
He responded to this as well:
Thank you for your unsolicited opinions, K. I will discuss my concerns with C.
Cordially,
d
With this information seriously - who cares? Why even respond at all to the letter? Especially if it was sent to your DH and not yourself.
I dont' blame you for pointing out the times they've missed opportunities to get to know you.
But really - Your reliance on "We were planning our WEDDING!!!!!" as an excuse is kind of obnoxious. You're coming across as if you expected everyone to put their lives on hold because you were getting married and that you had this extended period of time (how long??) where you were absolved from paying any attention to anyone else.
I planned a wedding too, I didn't find it so all encompassing that I had absolutely no time for anything else. Heck- we planned a weekend away w/ friends for the weekend right after we got back from our honeymoon. If we can do that - you can fricking read an email properly about a game night/day.
Especially as you've now been married for over a month and it was just this past weekend you realized the conflict?
I do see issues w/ your DH's friends - I'm going to give you that. But I'm also seeing how you are contributing to the problem too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm curious why "helping my mom with her Pampered Chef party" was more of a priority to you than going to a (real) party that you already RSVP'd yes to. There is nothing about a Pampered Chef (or any type of sales party) that requires hours of preparation or that can't be done in advance.
I had a bad experience with being excluded from a former bf's group so I realize how hurtful that can be, but on the other hand, I think the problem goes both ways. If I was invited to something with "the group" I would have been over-joyed.
I understand your frustrations regarding my absence to your party you planned over 2 months ago while C and I were very much involved with larger priorities and no offense to you and your wife, but we did have other things going on (WEDDING), and your email, as humble a request as it was, wasn?t our top focus at the time and was kind of forgotten for the time being.
This sounds incredibly douchey and self-centered on your part. And I realize that you promised your mother that you'd help, but you seem to be suggesting that a Pampered Chef party is some huge deal. Your wedding and your Pampered Chef party aren't so important that they require you to put everything else on hold while you attend to them. Parties should not be that complicated.
Seriously - you and this other dude are both being utterly ricidulous and childish by writing letters back and forth. It was a really stupid idea to write him another letter, especially if you couldn't say anything civil or productive. You're just passively-aggressively bashing him in the note. I can see why he's not too fond of you.
You made a commitment 2 months ago to your H's friends who want to get to know you better. You made a commitment to your mother last week. Sorry, but I think you are in the wrong and ridiculous. It's a pampered chef party, iIt can't be that hard. there is no one else who can help her?
The way the friend handled it was wrong but your response was just as childish. And from your tone, it sounds like they have tried multiple times but you were too wrapped up in your own life to even try to make nice with these people. I am sure his friends are frustrated because they want you both to be part of the circle but you are the one making it difficult.
You are both passing passive aggressive notes like you're in high school. You should have replied with something simple like this:
Dear D,
I understand your frustrations regarding my absence at your party. Please accept my apologies. Unfortunately, DH and I misread the invite and wrote it on our planner as Game Night 5pm - 10pm. Last week, my mom asked me to help her with a party on the same day as your party. Since I thought your party was 5pm-10pm, I told my mom I?d help her with her party during the day, then leave right away so I could still make your get-together in the evening. Again, I'm sorry and I really do hope we can all get together again sometime soon.
Cordially,
K
His friends are a little intense BUT you are no better here.
You're response is just as bad or worse than his initial letter. I'm not sure why you wrote it at all when it was given to your husband, and why you got so defensive when it sounds like he was pointing out things that were actually true.
And constantly making the wedding as an excuse is over the top. I planned my own wedding too but I never ignored friends invites to things, and when I said I was going, I went. Life does not stop for everyone else when you get married, you cannot expect them to treat you like you're planning is so much more important than their life events. Agreeing to your help your mom after RSVPing yes to the party when you thought the times were different was fine but when you realized that you messed up the times you should have kept your agreement to go to the first party you RSVP'd yes too.
Deciding if I should just read past this point...should all social invitations stop in your crowd during your engagement period?
Etiquette states that you keep your commitment to the first invite, so you should have told your mom you made a mistake and can not help her after all because you did have a prior commitment.
When I was planning my wedding mostly on my own, I never once used it as an excuse for anything, and did not expect other peoples lives to stop.
I fully agree that your DH's friend was childish, but you certainly have done nothing to help the situation.
exactly. you're both acting like infants. and for crying out loud stop blaming your poor reading comprehension on planning a wedding. apologize for the error, admit you made a mistake, leave out the sorry excuses and move on already.
and for the record-i would've been pissed too if i planned something 8 weeks in advance, someone rsvpd and then they tell me they have to help someone sell kitchen products at a home. they should be insulted-you acted like a jerk and did the wrong thing.
and if the guy writes the letter to DH it's Dh who should respond. not you and not with your excuses that are really insults-your writing isn't slick enough (holy run on sentences) to pass it off as not insulting.
Here's the thing, you made the mistake here. You misread the invite and double booked yourself. To me, the letter was speaking his mind, which I much prefer in my circle of friends to talking behind each other's backs and the gossip. I consider it respectful that he went right to your husband (though talking to him would have been most ideal).
Your letter was awful. At first I thought it was somone advising you what to say and I was going to respond "don't say that" but you did. At best your response should have been "I apologize, we both misread the time and I double booked myself, I appreciate you reaching out to me and would like to invite you over to make up for it"
Etiquette states that you keep your commitment to the first invite, so you should have told your mom you made a mistake and can not help her after all because you did have a prior commitment
This!!
You clearly misjudged that this guy invested a LOT of himself into hosting you and making you feel welcome. It even seemed like the other ladies were gushing at how much they were looking forward to seeing you - so their must have been chatter about how much everyone was looking forward to including you.
He's obviously really hurt and he really put all of his feelings out there. It was a harsh delivery but the guy was really hurt that you blew him off and he had to hear about the blow-off third hand.
You didn't even apologize. In fact, your email was extremely rude.
I think it is unfortunate that your husband's friendships have ended over something so very trite. You accepted an invitation. The invitation was given out of their *kindness* and consideration of the feedback either you or your husband have been giving them about not knowing one another. The party, in essence, was a way to make ammends for that situation...it was very kind of them to do. It doesn't matter what was going on in your life, you accepted the invitation that was made well enough in advance to accomodate you and or changes earlier on that may have been needed. While I understand misunderstanding, glossing over is not the same. You should have backed out on your mother giving her the chance to find someone to take your place since their's was the first accepted and confirmed on more than one instance. Writing the letter to your husband was odd, yes, and maybe can be seen as a bit childish...however I don't fault them at all for their irritation over the matter since they held you in consideration, have been apparently the brunt of your feelings in the past, and were trying to reach out. Your letter however was intentionally snotty sounding, even defensive instead of apologetic or trying to at least keep the friendship between your husband and these fellows healthy. Now you are glad that your husband is choosing not to deal with the headache at home that you've started and has to sacrifice his longstanding friendships to boot.
I don't see what victory or joy to take from this as a wife. It isn't proof that they are ridiculous at all. Even if you were ultimately going to bail on the party, it could have and should have been handled differently. I agree with the posters who say that this is more on you.
Wow your DH is just surrounded by immature people. Yes, his friend was being stupid by writing that note, but you certainly made the situation much, much worse. Stop using your wedding as an excuse. I planned a wedding and didn't go completely brain dead. I have a two month old, I still have the ability to carry on other conversations and keep appointments and dates. Just because you have a big event in your life does not give you a pass to disregard other events.
You should have just apologized.His friends aren't being ridiculous, you are.
Everything Livinitup said. You had no right to email your H's friend regarding a letter HIS friend sent to HIM. You were out of line and downright selfish and rude in the letter. Lives do not stop for months because someone is planning a wedding. And playing this tit for tat game- grow up. I personally think you dont want your H to be friends with this group and were looking for an excuse to make the friendship end. I cant even believe your H is taking your side on this one, because you are completely in the wrong here. I would be very upset if my H did this to one of my friends.
Ding, ding, ding.
Since the party isn't until this weekend why don't you get going on calling or talking in person to H's friend and APOLOGIZE, let him know that you realize you were being self centered (ignoring the time they were trying to take to get to know you, that you were so caught up in your own stuff that you didn't realize the work that they had put into this even to try to include you) let him know that you have explained your mistake to your mother and would love to come to the party if they'll still have you.
You seem rather unpleasant.