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Bad first impression.
I think I have mad a poor first impression here. So let me try this again.
Hi. I'm Trista. I'm not crazy, or terribly mentally ill, or even really "depressed" that I know of.
In fact, I'm pretty normal, other than I have a lot going on in my life right now.
I made a post yesterday that must have made for a great read, since it got the attention of everyone (which wasn't my intention). I believe I should have waited a bit on making that post, it was very premature. I made it while I was at a very low point.
How many of you would be devastated if you just paid for a wedding and now your husband doesn't feel attracted to you anymore?
Unfortunately, life has gotten to me. Weddings, hospitals, new jobs, moving and not really having any friends in my new location has really caused me to pile up emotions for a while now.
As for the divorce, my husband and I sat down and had a long talk last night. We came to an understanding that he was being a huge *** face and he told me he approached the whole situation wrong. I told him that I would really try to lose the weight, but I wasn't going to kill myself to do it. I also told him that I wasn't sure when I would get my sex drive back, and he said that he understood, and also understood all the points that I made. As well and I understand better the point he was trying to make.
I know I came across a little hysterical yesterday, but I have just been holding it in for so long I kind of exploded.
I am not a sweat pant wearing housewife. I am not knee deep in depression. I'm just overwhelmed at the moment and don't have the resources a lot of people have. On top of that I am a bit of a control freak and am horrible at delegating responsibilities because I don't feel like anyone can do it how I want it done.
Hopefully you all don't feel to to put off by me because I could really use advice every once in awhile, and this seems like the place to come for honest answers.
Re: Bad first impression.
Can you tell me what you mean by this:
"I'm just overwhelmed at the moment and don't have the resources a lot of people have."
I'm interested in what resources you mean.
I'm sorry, but I have to laugh at this:
"I told him that I would really try to lose the weight, but I wasn't going to kill myself to do it. I also told him that I wasn't sure when I would get my sex drive back, and he said that he understood, and also understood all the points that I made."
I'm just trying to figure out the logic here. "Hey, honey, I find you to be physically repulsive and don't want to have sex with you. Now, when do you think you're going to want to get naked in front of me?"
I'm sorry but, I still can't get over the fact that when you asked your H if he thought you were disgusting he didn't reply.
I think you're glossing over your feelings, which is another sign of low self-esteem.
How will you ever get over him not immediately and profusely telling your otherwise when you asked him if he thought you were disgusting? I know I wouldn't be able to.
People in the previous posts made mention of using resources such as friends, family and church to help with things around the house. Also, I need an employee to help me with my photography business that is really picking up, just just really can't afford one.
So not meant like that he didn't bring it up I told him I didn't know when I'd be cool with it. Basically it was a bunch of blah blah, you ain't getting none of this poontang until I feel like giving it to you.
We talked about that too last night. He said he didn't say anything because he didn't know how to say it. He said that he thought all the weight I was putting on was disgusting, but he also said that he didn't think anything about me was disgusting, He said that he didn't even think my sometimes furry Hungarian legs were disgusting, he would just like to see whats under the hair more often. (not really the best time to make a joke but it did make me smile even though I was mad)
I have motivation to go around, what I lack is a steady routine that allows me to take care of me. I think that is why my self esteem is in the gutter.
I'm not sure how you separate the person from the weight. But, okay.
You have family. We all know you have a husband. I think I saw a step-kid or two mentioned as well. Delegate housework to them.
You aren't going to be called a hose-beast step-mother for asking your step-kids to dust the end tables and do dishes. How old are they? I'd say middle school aged and older are responsible enough to do their own laundry.
I'm sure dude knows how to turn on the vacuum cleaner and can probably turn a sponge around the toilet a few times too.
There you go. Housework is taken care of.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Well, this is a place to come to get honest opinions.
But I"m having trouble reconciling this post, here and now, with these sorts of things:
"Before yesterday I felt disgusting on the inside because of decisions I had made in my past. I feel like putting on makeup, and doing my hair, and working out is a waste of time, because it's not going to help who I am on the inside."
and
" I thought a makeover would be great but then I thought there is nothing that is going to make me look better if I am still fat."
and the like.
But I also had trouble reconciling the attitude of he's not horrible and he hasn't been like this before with things like:
"...The while time he was mocking me by running backwards and making jokes about how I am so out of shape, does that sound like an enjoyable experience to you?"
I'm not really sure either, but I'm willing to try to figure it out. I really do understand him saying something wrong because I can be a hot head at times and basically everything I say comes out in a way I don't intend it to.
I mentioned this in a previous post. My husband usually does the laundry and all of the outside stuff. The boys are responsible for their beds, fish and room. You must of also mentioned how I am a control freak. I have asked the boys to do things and just had to go behind them to fix it because it wasn't right. The bathroom was their "chore" for about 2 days. Water everywhere. They are 7 and 8.
I think that I may have dated your husband in college. Good luck with the talk. I've had that exact same conversation after that azzhole told me that I was to fat to fvck.
We all know that nothing is going to change.
You certainly sound more centred today, which is good. But you contradict yourself a fair amount. For instance, you said yesterday your sex drive was back better than ever and it was his that was gone. Today you say you don't know when you will get your sex drive back.
The 'paying for a wedding' comment is weird too. Not sure what 'paying for a wedding' has to do with the quality of the relationship. Did you expect to buy a good husband?
I'm glad you had a productive talk. It is a start.
My sex drive was back, but when you know your husband doesn't find you attractive it really puts a dampers on that.
We just paid for a wedding means, "Hey ***, do you think you could have said this before we got married?"
From the tone of your previous post, it sounds like your self esteem has always been in the gutter. You used to demonstrate it with alcohol/drugs/inappropriate sex, and now you are demonstrating it with a bunch of extra weight, a lack of any pride in your appearance, and a giant case of "it's just too hard" when anyone tells you to start doing something about your issues.
Please, reach out to a skilled therapist. He/she could do you a lot of good.
Whatever gets you through the day...
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Well my sex drive isn't completely gone.....not until someone cuts off my hands anyway.
You thought a 7 and 8 year old could adequately clean a bathroom? Of course you had to clean it again.
Chores for 7 & 8 year olds:
Raking leaves & helping with general outdoor care
Taking out the trash, or if it's too heavy, at least emptying the smaller household trash bins into a larger one.
Cleaning up their room(s)/toys/clothes.
Setting & clearing the table
Making their own beds
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
The cleaning the bathroom was more of a lesson. "If I sit in pee one more time you guys are cleaning the bathroom." They did a great job on the tub. They clear their own plates. Anything else I ask them to do they play dumb like they can't figure it out. They are the 2 smartest kids I have ever met, but combined they can't figure out what I mean when I ask them to pick their underwear up off the bathroom floor. Doing it myself saves an argument.
Oh man.
OK, we're done you and I.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Exactly. Children only make messes in the bathroom. Whether they're cleaning or bathing... it's a mess either way. Bathroom cleaning should fall on an adult or an older teenager.
Think of who you're delegating to before you do it. It'll save yourself some frustruation and your children some disappointment (it kinda sucks to have someone trailing behind you cleaning what you just proudly cleaned all by yourself).
The list above is good. Use that.
Do try to let go of some of the control freak... therapy could help with that. Step back and look at things realistically. Does it really matter if the forks are on the right instead of the left? No. Does it matter if the vacuuming is forgotten about one week? Probably not.
You'll have far less stress in your life if you learn to let go of the little stupid stuff.
ETA: And I just saw your update, nevermind. Right now, I'm thinking of the .gif where the cartoon guy keeps slamming his head into the keyboard until his eyes pop out...
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I don't know if you need therapy so much as just a life coach. You've jumped into a situation that is clearly overwhelming for you and you've mentioned that your role models have not really given you a great skill set to draw upon.
The kids. If you start off being their maid, you will be their maid forever. Giving them the responsibility of picking up their underwear and depositing it in the hamper is not a discussion. It is not an argument.
The first year of marriage can be hard, but when stepkids are involved I am sure it is a more difficult transition.
I kind of feel for your H here. He's essentially begging you to deal with your health and your marriage, and you told him you weren't going to make much of an effort but that he should kiss your feet and continue to feel bad about himself.
I think you like being a victim. "My background is terrible, I'm scarred, I can't lose weight, I don't want to switch bc methods and in fact no way no how I can't, there is no possibility whatsoever, I want to exercise but H stops me by being mean, I want to exercise but then I get complainy and am surprised when people don't want to hear it, I should probably see a therapist but I'm the busiest person on the planet and there is no time no none whatsoever and also you people are way more resourceful than I am, I have no friends, no family, no church, no support system at all, there is NO WAY for me to do anything except what I'm doing."
So apparently all we can do is keep calling your husband a d!ck.
Updated September 2012.
Trust me, this is true big time. I can't get my teenage daughter to help with anything. I thought it would be easier just do to it myself. Now I work two jobs and getting her to lend a hand is like pulling teeth.