Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Therapy FYI
I'm a little surprised by the ignorance (not really), but for what it's worth, a therapist that really does his/her job well doesn't simply "tell you things you already know"
In fact, the best therapist I worked with in the past barely talked at all, and I was SO convinced that she helped me solve all my issues when in reality she just guided me to solve them on my own.
Please don't be so quick to judge therapy and its benefits when you have never bothered to seek out therapy in the first place. Therapy is NOT for the weak.
Re: Therapy FYI
I'm a little jealous of you right now Peanut. I had the most wonderful therapist and then she left. I've tried 3 since and can't find one I like. Very frustrating!
Oh
I'm so sorry to hear that!!
It took me a couple go arounds to find her, but when I finally did I stuck with her for a couple years.
Keep trying!! I would never settle for a therapist you don't feel is the right fit.
If you have been diagnosed with a disorder, try to only find therapists that specialize in working with patients with that disorder. Otherwise it's a true waste of your time and money.
Once again a post was turned around to target me for saying a bunch of crap I didn't say. I didn't say therapy was for the weak, so lets get that out of the way right now. Second, I said that I am going to be seeking a therapist. Third and most importantly, this was a post about me personally knowing what was wrong in my past so why should talk to someone about something "I" already know about "my" past.
Trista deep breaths
I didn't say you said therapy was for the weak, I said therapy is not for the weak..my own personal comment.
I simply referenced the comment you made above and added my opinion to your comment.
and to comment further Trista, I think you are completely missing the point.
You cannot deal with the current or what is to come if you cannot deal with what you have already been through. Therapy is an outlet to help you talk through what you've been through, understand it, deal with it and move on. Therapy gives you the coping skills and management needed to deal with things in your life that you often struggle with.
The reason behind people going to therapy is what they have already been through. So yes, talking to a therapist about your past is kind of the point.
I'm not trying to be nasty with you by any means, please calm down.
Then reference the whole comment that was made not part of it. I am an adult now, I learned on my own that the things that happened to me in my childhood were not my fault. Why would I need a therapist for the part of my life that is a closed chapter? I don't see where going to someone to guide me to the answers I have personally already guided myself to is going to help. Meaning, I don't need to talk about my childhood junk, I need to talk about the more recent junk.
She didn't say therapy was for the weak. My comment of "therapy is not for the weak" was simply my personal opinion tacked onto the end of my original post to her.
Kuus, sounds like our therapists had very simliar methodology. I feel like I could have typed what you just said about myself. I'm so glad you found a therapist that knows what they are doing and does it well!
Because, my little ostrich, you have no idea the subtle ways that your past is still affecting you. In fact, I'm willing to put money on the fact that you think you don't deserve therapy and that you you're "fine" without it because you've "been fine" with so little in the past. I'm not a therapist and even I can see that your unwillingness to take care of yourself is because you don't feel worthy; your excuses have been borrowed from your mother (like it or not, you're repeating the same pattern of neglect towards yourself), etc.
So, why don't you stop typing and call your EAP and start working on you? You know why? You're afraid to be healthy and whole. You're afraid that you're going to have to own up to the excuses and lies you've been putting on yourself all these years. You're also afraid to tell someone all your "dirty secrets" because you're not used to being able to trust anyone. And I'll put money on the fact that your weight gain is either a subconscious wall to push your H away or hiding from yourself.
Lurker chiming in (anecdote warning!)
So, many moons ago I was in a really really abusive relationship. Bad. 2 1/2 years of hell. I got out, and I was so proud of myself. I felt free. I was a little scared, but felt pretty damn good. Really tried to deal with all the issues myself, felt like I worked through everything. About a year after that bad relationship ended, I started really struggling with anxiety (and as it turns out, depression). I could not figure it out - why all of a sudden was I having all these issues? Must just be me, I had always been a worry wort. I dealt with almost debilitating anxiety for years before I got into therapy. We talked about my history, and I told the therapist that I was really over all that had happened, that I had moved on, was happily married, and learned a lot about myself through the process. She said that is great! She let me keep talking. And talking. And talking. She noted that when I talked about the abuse, I would visibly shake. I didn't even KNOW that. After a few weeks, she diagnosed me with PTSD. All that stuff I really, truly, thought I had dealt with was causing me so much trauma still, and I never connected the dots. Today I am thriving, and it is because of therapy (with a side of Zoloft).
I am not saying this is the case with you - every single person is different. But you will never know until you go in and TALK about it. You went through a major trauma during your childhood - one that lasted for years. To say that it has no affect on you as an adult is a stretch, I just don't know how ANYONE could come out of that situation without some residual stuff to deal with. There is no shame in that.
I'm calm, but honestly it seems like people are targeting me specifically and though I may not care about specific opinions of others, I do care when things I say are being said out of context. It's more of a pet peeve than anything else.
I never said I wasn't going to deal with the past, I said that I was going to deal with the past to a certain point, past that point becomes pointless. That is my opinion, and I feel that way because I have already closed that door.
Basically, the original thread I posted is full of negative comments about how "effed up I am" well ya know what calling someone effed up if they really are effed up is effed up anyway you put it. I don't feel like I'm that effed up, so that doesn't matter as much to me personally. What if someone who really had severe mental issues came on here asking for advice. Some of the people on here are very creul and could be the nail in her coffin unfortunately. (and no this is not about me because I don't feel even close to the need to kill myself especially over mean comments made on the internet)
The point I'm making is that certain people here fake sincerity. If they truly cared about a persons well being enough to suggest therapy, then they would truly care enough not to be a butthole.
dev22
Please post more often. Very insightful!
Here is the thing - sometimes you need people to be brutally honest with you. It sucks @ss, but its the truth. People are beating you over the head about therapy not because they are mean, but because it is the only way to get through to you. You keep brushing it off - acting like everything is all *** dorey and that you were just "frustrated" yesterday. That you will go to therapy eventually. People are not letting it go because they DO care.
Trista's Childhood=Crappy=Not Trista's Fault=Calm Trista
Trista's Early Adulthood=Crappy=Trista's Fault=Guilty Trista
Yes, I seen a lot of horrible horrible crap when I was a kid, I'm not going to let that break me anymore. My mom, didn't neglect herself, she let the *** get beat out of her because she liked how the drugs felt. The only thing that my mother and I have in common is that we both liked how the drugs felt and that isn't me anymore, so now we have nothing at all in common.
So yes, I will deal with the crap that I feel guilt for, and that is my past. I will not however drudge up old feelings that are just going to make me feel sad because I honestly can not see how that is going to fix anything. I don't even think about it most days.
I will talk about every single guy that I sexed up but never called the next day like they promised. I will even talk about having sex for alcohol and gas money to make it to my family christmas party. I will talk about all those issues that I feel make me feel the way I do now.
I cannot speak for anyone else here, nor will I.
Up until this point, I havent posted anything in response to you, and frankly the only reason why I started this thread is because I feel very strongly about therapy and its benefits. The whole point of therapy is to hash out what you've been through. In order for a therapist to understand you and the situations you are currently going through, they need concept of your history.
I went to therapy for several years, and things that I thought I had long dealt, things I thought I had the necessary closure from...well, let's just say that wasn't the case. You can experience something in your life that triggers coping mechanisms you had as a child and not realize it. You can seek out people who treat you the way your family members did even knowing full well that you were treated poorly as a child. We cannot pick the parents we are born to, and unfortunately even if we know they are unhealthy and toxic people, they are still the only parents we have....make sense?
My intention is not to hurt your feelings or upset you further, I know you don't know me, but I'm just not that way. I take these kinds of situations very seriously. I'm not in your marriage...no one other than you and your husband are. Until someone can step inside your situation, they won't be able to fully grasp what's going on.
I just sincerely hope that you do seek out therapy as you have mentioned that you plan to. I think if you are willing to put the work in, you will definitely see changes unfolding in your life. I hope you can get through the difficult time you are experiencing right now, and if you can learn the best coping skills in order to do so, the problems will cease to continue. Unfortunately, almost all relationship problems in life recur until you learn how to hit it head on.
I don't really look at my past as one whole. I look at it sort of like four chapters. I look at my childhood, living with my grandparents, living with my mom after she got out of prison and my early adulthood as different stories.
I can share most of my childhood details without even thinking about it. It's almost like I'm telling a story about someones life. I don't want that to change. I like it feeling like someone elses story. To me I have fought off the childhood demons. It's the stuff after that I feel is the real issue.
It's not the therapy that I'm talking about. That part is fine and they made their point. It's the mocking and actual rude comments I'm talking about.
I am no therapist, but it sounds like you have pushed it to the farthest recess of your brain, and you are just not dealing with it. YOu have completely disconnected with it. I am sure that feels better than dealing with it all the time (hello, I did the same thing!) but it does not mean that it is not causing issues. In ANY case, there are obviously issues that you need to deal with, whether from your childhood or your early adulthood. Needing therapy does not mean you are weak, crazy or broken - you need to deal with all of this crap now so that you can live the rest of your life as a happy, fufilled person. You have to learn how to forgive yourself and make yourself a priority.
Do yourself a favor. MAKE time for you. Go to therapy once a week. That is YOUR time, and your time alone. You deserve and hour a week, I promise.
And this is all precisely why you need to talk to someone. I'm not saying you are your mother. I AM saying that your mother neglected herself and you. You are repeating that pattern by neglecting yourself.
My point is that whether you like it or not, what happened to you as a child is directly related to how you handled things as an adult. The things that were not your fault are directly responsible for the things that were "your fault".
Look, you're not the only person who has grown up in a crappy situation. I'm not saying that to be crass, I'm saying it because its true. There are several of us on this board who had a pretty craptastic upbringing. And yes, people are getting frustrated with you because you are being so fvcking obstinate about acknowledging some things. What I responded with regarding patterns? You jumped all over that without really giving it any thought. Just "OMG, you sooo don't know me!! I'm only going to deal with *this* stuff right here and don't you dare suggest anything else!!!"
People are just asking you to step back, take a breath and really think about what they're saying to see if there is any merit to it. The fact that you're dismissing every.single.idea speaks volumes. In fact, I'd bet that its striking a nerve but since you're "over it", its just making you angry and you don't know why/where that anger is coming from, but that lashing out is the only way to make it stop (except it hasn't because we're a persistent bunch)
So what you need to do is go through the other threads and really read the suggestions/thoughts and instead of getting defensive and dismissing them, just stop and think about them one at a time.
Actually, the first thing you need to do is ask yourself if you really want help. Talking about things and taking action are two entirely different things.
And, dude, seriously? Who the heck are you kidding with the whole "crappy childhood = calm" thing?? You need to get angry. Really angry. Like screaming at the top of your lungs and beating the crap out of pillows angry. (A kickboxing class is phenomenal for getting the anger out, BTW.) Its OK to be angry and its OK to cry and its OK to have some sore spots where those (figurative) open wounds have scarred over. Its OK for everything to not be OK.
You didn't hurt my feelings or upset me. You just seem to have taken what I posted out of context.
All I feel I learned from my past is how to not repeat the mistakes I have witnessed. I refused to ever be on welfare, be with a man that ever laid a finger on me, and always take care of my family....well at least those are the ones I picked up on from the beginning. After the adult years my new lessons were....don't do drugs, and don't let those types of people into your life.
I will say when I was younger, I was terrified to date anyone because I thought every guy was violent or at least could be, I also didn't sleep, I refused to sleep at night because that is when all the really bad stuff happened. I've pushed myself through those issues.
Although my husband can say stupid things a guy shouldn't say to a women, he isn't abusive in anyway, and I know in my heart he would never hit me, or cheat or any of the other horrible things a man can do to a women. As for sleeping, it's as soon as my head can finally hit the bed at the end of the day.
While those are good "lessons" they're also kind of like Survival 101, wouldn't you say? Its good to not repeat mistakes, of course, but that's not all there is to the human psyche.
Because the therapist may be able to offer another point of view, or lead you to something that you hadn't realized before.
You have to go into therapy with an open mind. My therapist is mostly there to call me on my BS, and to help me understand myself better. He's also there to help monitor my bipolar disorder.
Therapy is what you make it, basically. If you find the right therapist, you really will benefit.
The "you" is sort of the collective, though. I honestly don't think therapy would benefit you much simply because you don't seem willing to let it help.
That is all really good, and I commend you for not repeating many of the mistakes your mother made, and also for working through some of your own issues. That really is a great. But that does not mean you have actually dealt with anything. You are making it through - you have trained yourself to not think about that stuff anymore. You have repressed all of those thoughts and emotions - and that is not healthy. As Geek said - you need to FEEL those emotions, and deal with them. Get angry, get sad, cry. Do that about all the stuff in your early adulthood too. You might feel like life is much better without thinking about the crappy stuff, but the truth is life will be exponentially better once you deal with it.
You just have to make yourself a priority first. No matter what we say, and what you say, nothing will change until you do that.
I want to hit the 'like' button on this point about 100 times.
I have been taking suggestions. I never thought that I might be able to find a therapist in near were I work (i work in the middle of nowhere)but I'm going to try, my company JUST started offering EAP so I'm online looking at the provider right now, people suggested for ways to boost my self esteem, I have blown my hair dry 2 days in a row (I'm pretty sure that is a record), it's a small achievement, but it's something. I have been listening and taking advice, just no one cares if it's not what they suggest.