Family Matters
bethieb123
member
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What's your stance on lending family money (long)?
Do you think that if a family member gets in a position where they need to ask for financial help that you would give them the money, or do you feel it is a bad idea to give money to family... I ask because I've had a few different people tell me it's not a good idea.
My sister called me to ask if she could have/borrow $300 to pay rent. She's never come to me for help like this before so I feel obligated to come through for her.
She is married with two young children and her family moved out of state earlier this year for a new job. She said her husband didn't know that she was asking, but I know she's at least mentioned it to him by now (because he told her how to do a moneygram), so I don't know why she wants me to think that he's too proud to ask?
According to my sister, her husband was fired due to a back injury about a month ago. (They have been keeping this to themselves for the whole time). They are now waiting on a lawyer to handle a case for them, and my brother in law found a small job on the side 2 days a week. My sister doesn't work, and hasn't considered picking up a job temporarily while her husband is at home because she feels she is needed at home with the kids...
I am married as well and not working at the moment because we just moved to a new state (my husband's in the military). I don't need to work for us to live comfortably, but I always have either done work and/or school full time just to keep busy. I guess I would feel better about giving her money if I had an income of my own rather than asking my husband to give up 300 of his hard earned money. (I handle the finances and he told me if I think we can afford it then it is okay with him). We have savings and investments that would allow us to afford to give her the money and not have our budget take a hit, but we have set aside money for specific purposes (mostly a vacation before dh deploys, selfish though it may be) and I just don't feel it is fair for us to have to make sacrifices to make up for someone else's irresponsibility. (They both have had bad credit for a while now).
She also told me that her father in law helped them out last month, and that he was rude about it and her husband doesn't want to ask him again because of that - I can't help but think "too bad, that's his problem" because I know his dad can afford to help more than we can.... Oh and after I told her I'd see what I could do she texted me to ask what kind of wine I would recommend she get because she knows I'm into wine and she feels like she needs a drink ... Um really? You don't need to be wasting money on wine! (But who am I to tell her how to spend her money?)
I know it's not my brother in law's fault that he was injured at work - I don't know how this happened or why it resulted in him getting fired. I only know that this is the second time in a year he was fired and then decided to sue the company he worked for... That and the fact that he doesn't want my sister to work or handle the finances raises a red flag for me.
She is planning on moving back home (20 hours away) as soon as she can. But I know from experience that it costs money to pick up and move, and I don't know how she can afford to do that if she can't even pay rent... I think my problem here is that I feel like I'm being jerked around and I'd rather she just be honest rather than tell me what she thinks I want to hear... What should I do?
My sister called me to ask if she could have/borrow $300 to pay rent. She's never come to me for help like this before so I feel obligated to come through for her.
She is married with two young children and her family moved out of state earlier this year for a new job. She said her husband didn't know that she was asking, but I know she's at least mentioned it to him by now (because he told her how to do a moneygram), so I don't know why she wants me to think that he's too proud to ask?
According to my sister, her husband was fired due to a back injury about a month ago. (They have been keeping this to themselves for the whole time). They are now waiting on a lawyer to handle a case for them, and my brother in law found a small job on the side 2 days a week. My sister doesn't work, and hasn't considered picking up a job temporarily while her husband is at home because she feels she is needed at home with the kids...
I am married as well and not working at the moment because we just moved to a new state (my husband's in the military). I don't need to work for us to live comfortably, but I always have either done work and/or school full time just to keep busy. I guess I would feel better about giving her money if I had an income of my own rather than asking my husband to give up 300 of his hard earned money. (I handle the finances and he told me if I think we can afford it then it is okay with him). We have savings and investments that would allow us to afford to give her the money and not have our budget take a hit, but we have set aside money for specific purposes (mostly a vacation before dh deploys, selfish though it may be) and I just don't feel it is fair for us to have to make sacrifices to make up for someone else's irresponsibility. (They both have had bad credit for a while now).
She also told me that her father in law helped them out last month, and that he was rude about it and her husband doesn't want to ask him again because of that - I can't help but think "too bad, that's his problem" because I know his dad can afford to help more than we can.... Oh and after I told her I'd see what I could do she texted me to ask what kind of wine I would recommend she get because she knows I'm into wine and she feels like she needs a drink ... Um really? You don't need to be wasting money on wine! (But who am I to tell her how to spend her money?)
I know it's not my brother in law's fault that he was injured at work - I don't know how this happened or why it resulted in him getting fired. I only know that this is the second time in a year he was fired and then decided to sue the company he worked for... That and the fact that he doesn't want my sister to work or handle the finances raises a red flag for me.
She is planning on moving back home (20 hours away) as soon as she can. But I know from experience that it costs money to pick up and move, and I don't know how she can afford to do that if she can't even pay rent... I think my problem here is that I feel like I'm being jerked around and I'd rather she just be honest rather than tell me what she thinks I want to hear... What should I do?
Re: What's your stance on lending family money (long)?
Never loan money to family. If you have it, and want to, give it to them with the understanding that it is a one time thing. The next time she asks, tell her you don't have it.
Personally, if it were me and I had it, I would give it to her. Most especially if there are children in her home. It is the holidays and the kids will be the ones that really suffer. I would only give it to her 1 time though.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
What happens next month...and the month after that?
If i had it i would give it to her and make it very clear it was the only time it would happen. I would also make her sign something...but would also accept i might not ever see it again.
In that situation, my first choice would be to just give my sister the money. But if I couldn't afford to do that, I'd work with her to get all the specifics written down and agreed to.
And I'd probably send extra for a bottle of wine.
Your sister cannot possibly pay you back. She cannot meet her bills and she's married to a complete loser. Give it or don't give it; but don't ever count on seeing it again if you do.
This is what I'm really worried about. I'm afraid that next month they will be in the same situation, and that they will not be able to afford to make the move back home. So if I send her the money now, as a one time gift, then later on she might need it even more and I will be obligated to send her money again, this time to help her get home.
(She wants to go home because they can move in with her SIL and have less bills to pay for a while until they can get back on their feet. They have stayed there before for about a year. She says it is impossible for them to use the money that everyone is sending them now to leave right away...)
Also, my husband is being very understanding about this and just letting me make the decision with the knowledge that this will be a one time gift. So I'm worried that next month, or some time soon, I will be in the position between denying my sister more help that she really does need (to move home) or keeping the promise to my husband that it was a one time thing...
(Of course I will side with the husband no matter what because I feel he is being very supportive! But it will still be hard.)
I just finally talked to my mom about this all, and she also felt that the whole situation is just weird (that they were hiding this, and that he was fired again for getting injured?). She is thinking that my sister is leaving something out, and she is really worried about her. Basically we all just wish that they could pack up and move closer to family!
Yes, some of it seems weird. It does seem like you may not have the full picture. But this is your sister and you said she has never asked before. Therefore, I would give it to her. With the understanding you may not get it back, blah blah.
However, you seem to have built up a lot of reasons already for why you shouldn't have to do this.You already seem to resent your sister for asking. So in your situation I would advise you to not loan her the money. I feel like you might not be able to accept it if she doesn't pay you back.
Is there any way that ou can offer to pay for part of their moving expenses when they come back here instead of giving them cash?
If you could do this wait until they are going to move back and then take it from there if possible!
I initially offered to directly pay one of her bills for her because I thought I might have to put it on my credit card rather than use cash... but, no, she is not asking for that kind of help.
And yes, you are right to sense that I resent parting with the cash under these circumstances. However that is mostly because I am worried/resenting that my sister is not being cared for enough by her husband... and maybe partly because I wish she would be more responsible/aware. I'd also like her to feel free to ask for advice as well as cash because I'm afraid that she is hiding something out of pride/shame and I'm used to us talking things out with eachother when we have problems...
Whatever the issue I went ahead and wired the cash as a gift. A lot of other family is coming through to help them out and I hope this will be enough to bring her home.
Thanks for the input and letting me hash this out
THIS - Applies to everyone - Parents, children, family (immediate/extended), friends, co-workers, etc. No Exceptions!
I bet they went to his Dad a few times before he said, NO the well is dry. Do not feel bad if she comes next month and asks for more, expect it and be ready to say it was a one time deal. I'd give her half, maybe that would make her drink cheaper wine.
It's very weird that she only wants cash and not for you to directly pay her bill. That would lead me to believe that something fishy was up. The only way I can see her husband getting fired for getting injured on the job is if he was intoxicated.
The bottom line is if you decide to give them the money, you need to accept the fact that you won't see it again. You also need to accept that if you give them cash, you cannot dictate how they spend it. I would also let your sister know it was a one time thing in advance. Best of luck.
I would give her the money. Don't bother with a loan -- just give it outright and never think of it again.
My rule of thumb is this: Would they do the same for us if the situations were reversed?
You've used the word "obligated" twice. You aren't. Ever. Even if help her one time, that doesn't obligate you to help her again. It's YOUR money to do w/ as YOU see fit. Period. She has no ownership of it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
if you want to GIVE her the money, give it to her.
Never loan money you need to have back.
Rule of thumb, if they are asking for cash, and cash only, that is a huge red flag to me....
If you feel fine never seeing the money again, give it. If you expect her to pay you back or are going to be angry when she uses it to go Christmas shopping, don't give it.
We have been approached by BIL, SIL, and MIL for money, and each time, we offered to buy groceries or pay a bill for them, and we were told no, they needed cash in hand. So that was a big fat no. Every time.
I also find it odd that she only wants cash. This could be a sign of an addiction of some sort, and the fact that he's been "injured" and fired twice within a year raises some big flags to me.
No family have ever asked H and I for money. We're of the opinion that if you give it consider it a gift. We offered money to my SIL (cause she's barely making ends meet with 2 kids and a deadbeat XH who never sends child support) but she turned us down.
I agree with all of this. If I were in this situation, I would only offer to pay a specific bill. If they need it for rent, you could write a check to her leasing company or offer to write a check for other bills. I would not use a credit card in case her bill kept it on file and she would have access to use it again without permission. She may never do this, but you never know if her H would. If she's not willing to let you pay a bill, she clearly wouldn't be using the money for that and is lying to you about why she needs it.
There is no way he got fired from a job for a legit injury. I can see that you would be worried but they cant depend on other people for living expenses when they both sit at home most of the week.
I bet her FIL had a good reason to be "rude" about their request for money.
If your sister were usually a responsible person who had just fallen on hard times, I wouldn't think twice about lending or giving her some money to keep her family afloat for a few weeks. It doesn't sound like this is the case, however, and I guarantee that if you give her money now, you will never get it back, and it won't be the last time she asks.
Don't feel bad about turning her down. Weasels like that always find some way to manage, usually by taking advantage of others. She'll probably find someone to pay for her poor choices in life, but that someone doesn't have to be you.
If one of my sisters called and asked me for money, I would give it to them in a heartbeat....even if I didn't "have" the money, I would find it.
But that is my circumstance, not yours. You seem ill-at-ease in this situation, for whatever reason (I guess b/c the whole thing seems sketchy).
I would tell her you just don't have the money right now. If later down the road, she asks you for help moving, or says something like "we could move if only we had an additional $300...." then you can VOLUNTEER the money (and not expect to see it back).
At this point, I think you are enabling your sister. They can't meet their bills, and they need to come up with a way to pay their bills in full every month, not by asking for handouts from their family members, but by taking an additional job or cutting back on expenses.
Suze Orman says that it's ok to lend money for one-time situations or situations that the person had no control over (high medical bills, layoff due to bad economy), but not for chronic problems (overspending, doesn't look for a job, etc.). I think the fact that your sister is CHOOSING not to work (while her husband could stay at home with the kids and watch them!) but instead wants to ask you for money speaks volumes!
Your sister has started to make a habit of borrowing money / living beyond her means. Giving (not lending, b/c who knows if you will get it back?) will not help her. This is not a "jam" she is in - this is a chronic problem that needs to be addressed between her and her H.
Never loan anyone money ever.
If you choose to give her money, just know that you will never see it again and it probably won't be spent improving their situation.
I agree with this. Ultimately if they do not make a change soon, they are going to need alot more than $300.00.