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Don't know what to do - need unbiased opinions
I need advice about an issue that DH and I have been arguing about for months.
DH's family live in Town A, which is about 1 hr from where my family live (Town 
. DH also works in Town A; I work in Town B. We have a 4 month old son and currently live in a 1 bedroom apartment in Town B. I am on maternity leave and will go back to work next year.
We want to buy a house because this apartment is too small for our growing family. We thought of living in "Town C" which would be 30 mins from both our families and jobs. DS would go to daycare 3 days a week and MIL would babysit him 2 days.
My issue is my parents are giving me hell for wanting to move "in the middle of nowhere". They think we should stay in Town B where they live, so they can babysit full time and so it's closer to my work. Problem is, this doesnt help DH , who would still need to drive 1 hr to work each day, one way. Also, DH doesnt like living in Town B...I think he would be unhappy here. It's also far away from his family, whom he is close to and sees often (but they don't drive so we have to always drive up there which is tiring).
I feel caught between my DH and parents. I feel I can't make a clear decision. Are my parents right, should my DH sacrafice and buy a house near my parents/job even if it doesnt make him happy? Or is living between both family's/jobs and putting DS in daycare 3 days a week (and living 30 mins from each family) reasonable and my parents are just being selfish?
I just need some unbiased opinions. Please try to be nice, I have been very depressed lately and just need advice.
Thanks in advance.
Re: Don't know what to do - need unbiased opinions
This decision really doesn't involve your parents at all. You shouldn't be caught between your DH and your parents.
YOU AND YOUR DH have discussed this and have come up w/ a plan - go with it.
You shouldn't make this decision, either, on the promises of "Oh, we'll be daycare". There are numerous reasons why this could end up blowing up in your face. They may realize that being FT daycare is too much, or you may feel that you're parents aren't a good fit to be daycare, or.... who knows what.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your parents do not get a say in a decision that should be made by you and your husband.
They can have an opinion, but honestly, it shouldn't weigh on your choice. You & your husband are a team. Not you, your husband and your parents.
Talk to your husband and don't discuss this with your parents anymore.
First off, when you get married, your loyalties lie with your spouse and your kids. I'm not saying to tell your parents to screw off and cut them out of your life, but you need to realize that you don't need their approval anymore. You have to do what's best for you and your own family. Why should your husband have to "sacrifice" in order to please your parents? It's not your parents' decision.
Second, what do YOU want to do? You've only mentioned what your husband wants and what your parents want. What do YOU want? Consider what'd be best for your job, your H's job and your child. Not what makes Mommy and Daddy happy. It's not disrespectful to your parents, or not loving them, to do something contrary to what they want you to do.
Your parents have the right to say whatever they want, but you aren't obligated to bow to their wishes. You're an adult, and if they aren't supporting you then they don't get a say in your life. If you have a difference of opinion, then just say, "Sorry you feel that way, but this plan is the best choice for us." Your parents will get over it, and 30 minutes is NOT that far away ... it's not like you're moving to the moon.
But if they don't want to travel to your new town to provide child care for you, then you need to accept that graciously and find another child care resource.
Your parents have no say where you and YH live, that's a decision between you and him only. Of course your parents want you to stay in their town. But you need to do what's right for you and YH.
Frankly, I think your parents are being selfish. A half hour away is NOTHING. My parents are 50 minutes away and my in-laws are three hours away.
Ditto the others - this is a decision only between you and your husband. Your parents have no say.
Also, please see a doctor regarding your depression. It's not good for you or your baby to let it go untreated.
Do what works best for your family - which is you, your husband, and your son. Your parents can either deal with it or get lost. And yes - Town C seems to make the most sense for your family (although maybe I'm biased, because that's the sort of arrangement that my husband and I have had for close to 11 years now.....working in two different cities and living as close to the middle of them as possible).
Thanks for the replies everyone. They definitely help.
As for what I want, ideally, I would also like to stay in the town where I grew up, where my parents live...but I am not sure it is best for my family and therefore would compromise to move to town C.
My parents are also saying that moving to Town C and putting my son in daycare 3 days a week is not best for him - basically telling me my DH and I are being selfish. They make it sound like i'm not thinking about what would be best for my son and that what is best for him is for them to babysit. It makes me feel incredibly guilty because leaving him to go back to work will be hard enough on me...i dont need the extra guilt. I honestly don't think daycare 3 days a week is that bad. But moving somewhere that will make me and my husband unhappy/argue...that will be bad for my DS.
Quite honestly, I'll bet you that they are jealous that part of your plan is for MIL to watch him.
Look - daycare is NOT selfish. A good daycare can be a really good thing for many kids. We didn't go to DC until DS was 2, but it's been really great for him.
My parents watch DS 2 days a week and it's truly, truly been wonderful. On many levels. BUT for many people, having their parents as DC isn't always a good thing. Being a "grandparent" doesn't automatically make them the best choice.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think they are jealous too of MIL offering to babysit 2 days a week. However, I offered to have them come babysit whenever they want...they are both retired so they can but keep saying it's 'too far'...they'd 'have to leave the house at 6am and come home after 5' blah blah blah
An American Girl's Travels
If they are offering to do daycare, why cant that work with you living in Town C? You drive DS with you to your parents house 3 days a week. DH drives him to his parents house the other 2 days. If at any point either set of parents becomes physically unable to care for him, or just doesnt want to do daycare anymore, you put him in PT daycare at that point in your town.
Driving DS to their house from Town C would involve driving 30 mins on the highway/freeway......in which case they tell me I'm risking DS's life driving him on the busy highway everyday. Another guilt trip.
I think you need to stop telling your parents about your plans, and stop listening to them because all they want you to do is what THEY have planned for you.
Live your own life and stop looking to them for approval.
Your parents are already throwing excuses up. I see their being DC being very much on their terms - not yours. Is this really what you want?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No, you should not allow your parents to influence a decision that is between you and your husband. It is absolutely none of their business where you decide to live. Make a decision with your husband and tell them what you are doing. Period. End of discussion.
Thanks everyone for your comments. It helps me to see things more clearly.
My DH is agreeing to move to Town B to make me happy (even though his first choice would be Town A near his family/work), but I think Town C might be best, despite what my parents say.
I think you are right...I have to stop looking for my parents approval now that I'm married. I just think they are going to resent my husband and his family if we move to Town C, but I guess they need to get over it.
Why? Because DH and I are fully confident in our decisions as it relates to DS.
You really need to stop sharing so much w/ your parents. And I have a feeling they will be the grandparents who feel THEIR way is the right way, and when you tell them "I don't want DS to be fed peanut butter", they'll say "in our day, kids didn't have PB allergies. We think PB is fine!", or when you say "DS needs to nap at X", they'll say "Oh- we think he'll be fine without one. WE know- we are parents!!!".
Etc. Etc Etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Once you do move to Town C, I am 100% positive they will quickly change their tune about it being too dangerous to drive 30 minutes to see them.
Three days a week at daycare (or all week) is fine and please don't let your parents tell you something different. My DS is in daycare 4 days a week and has thrived. He has wonderful grandparents on both sides and is loved very much, but when he is with either set he can get away fowth murder and I am not confident that would be the best for him everyday.
Good luck!
Seriously? That's when you say, well, I guess you won't be seeing your grandchild much anymore seeing as you don't want to come here and I shouldn't be driving on the highway.
Tell them they are being ridiculous and then quit including them in things that don't involve them. You are an adult, are you not?
Sometimes I wish I was moving to the moon
Away from all this family drama.
And if you see signs of them now "resenting" your DH, you need to address it w/ them.
Your parents seem to have way too much say/influence in your life and you really need to find a way to cut the strings. Your DH should NOT take the fall for this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You might feel better about upsetting your parents if you keep in mind that they don't respect you at all.
ETA: Are you getting treatment for your depression?
IMHO daycare is great for children. It helps them get stronger immune systems, friendships, sharing, and it prepares them to go off to school without having to be to dependent on the caregiver whether that be parents or grandparents.
It can also help you maintain good relationships with your parents and DH's as well. As you will not argue as much about how to raise your son as this will not be in there hands.
It's about 99.9% certain that your parents aren't going to disown you because you don't move to the town they want you to move to - more than likely, they will just stew for a while and then get over it. But if they DO start giving you the cold shoulder over this, then they're the types of people who will never be happy with what you do, even if you follow their demands down to the letter. You're going to keep trying to win their approval and (through no fault of your own) you'll never get it, and it'll just make you miserable. And it sends a message to your kids that they don't get to make their own choices in life.
YOU are in charge of your own life and your own destiny. Not them. You are not responsible for appeasing their piss-poor attitudes about YOUR life. They use the guilt trips on you because they know it works. They're not stupid. So the way to solve that is to show them that the guilt trips don't work anymore. And it doesn't involve cutting them out of your life or being rude to them, if that's what you're afraid of ... it just means that you shrug and say, "Sorry you feel that way" and then walk away quietly if they start laying into you about your decisions.
They have a choice here ... they can either suck it up and support you if you are leading a good life, or they can whine and moan and lay on the guilt and you can distance yourself and your family from them until they can learn to be respectful of you. It's entirely their decision, and it's not your job to make them pick the right one. It's your job to present the choices ("We'll visit each other often, but if you're going to scold us for our decisions all the time then we're not going to see each other") and make it clear that it's not up for discussion. They can choose to be nice and continue being around you, or they can choose to be judgmental and NOT continue being around you. Their choice.
Your family consists of you, your H and your son. You need to do whats best for the three of you as a unit. I think town C sounds like a really nice compromise, being equal distance from both families. Set your parents opinion aside and what do YOU think? Would you and H be equally happy in town C? If so, there is your answer.
Your parents-
A) shouldn't even know what your plans are because its none of their business
Honestly, I too had a little bit of a hard time disappointing my parents. Then one day I realized that they didn't raise me to be their obedient little girl forever. They raised me to be a strong, confident woman who can make wise decisions for her family. I realized that the best way to honor my parents was to take the values and principles that they taught me and apply them to my own family. Giving in to every wish, demand and tantrum really isn't honoring them and only proves that they didn't raise me right.
So I just gathered up the courage and made decisions that I felt were best for me and my family and didn't discuss anything else. It truly did change the dymanic of our relationship. I can tell that they respect me more now and don't see me as their little girl anymore. I also realized that if my parents are sad or disappointed with my decision; then oh well. They are entitled to their own feelings, but that doesn't put the onus on me to make them feel better.
I also have to say that Town C sounds like the best option for YOUR OWN FAMILY. An hour long commute everyday can be very very tiring and if I had to choose between having my husband resent me for not considering his comfort and feelings and my parents resenting me, I choose my parents, every damn day. My husband is the one I made vows to forsake above all others, not them.