Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Baby for my StepMom???
My husband and I have been saving and working towards moving with our careers so we can have a family... big shocker yesterday, My stepmom is pregnant. My dad had a vysectomy years ago, but they planned this.
I am just so confused right now, anyone else out there with a second generation of siblings? What do you do?
Cooking my way to happiness!
Re: Baby for my StepMom???
My dad had a vysectomy years ago, but they planned this.
This is confusing me. did he have it reversed?
how old are your parents?
This would weird me out
yeah what do you mean "what do i do".....
wish her a H&H 9 months? start buying ridiculously adorable baby clothes to shower your new sibling in?
Sure i'd think it was s little out of the normal realm if my mom got pg now and i had a sibling 30 years younger than me.... but it would also be ridiculously cool to have another squishy and cute baby to add to the fam, who cares if it isn't "normal" ... its cool. babies are cool, yo.
I sent him Christmas and birthday gifts until he was 20. I never got any type of thank you, no phone call or anything. I finally decided that he was old enough and if he wanted a relationship with me, he could have one without his mom approving or not. Apparently, he does not. It makes me sad, but I have moved on.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Oh my goodness.... this was TOTALLY my dream last night!!!
Why would you act any differently around them?
What does you planning on a family have to do with anyone else's reproductive decisions? Certainly you don't think that everyone older than you must stop having babies because you're thinking about having one. 42 is definitely older, but again, it's not unheard of, especially these days.
Why would your stepmom having a baby drive a wedge between you?
I guess I don't really understand what the problem is. Your stepmom's uterus is none of your business really, and her decision has nothing to do with you. Other than congratulating them, I don't think you should do anything.
I'm so confused...
WHY would this drive a wedge between you?
What does this have to do with you?
I really don't get why you're making a huge deal over this. Or why you think you need to act any differently around them just because they're expecting.
She's pregnant. You're going to have a sibling soon. They don't need your approval or comfort in order to have a baby together, and they aren't banned from conceiving their own baby just because you are thinking of one as well.
It's understandable that you're a little squicked out that your dad and step-mom are having a baby at an older age, especially when you're thinking of one yourself, but you just need to put those feelings aside. Get over it and be happy for them.
Get used to the idea and be kind to your dad and step-mother and look forward to having another family member to love. Or just stew over the idea and be miserable and possibly alienate both your parents and an innocent little baby in the process. Your decision.
I am sorry that I am confusing people. How does this have nothing to do with me? My Dad stopped talking to me because I moved away for college, SHE was the reason he stopped talking to me. When they got married we moved into HER house where I slept on the couch in her office for 6 months before moving to college. SHE didnt come to my college graduation or wedding. This will distance my father more from me.
I just dont see how this has nothing to do with me.
I dont approve of it and to be honest it really hurts because my dad never finished raising my brother and I before he got remarried and took her kids under his wing. I am just worried about the kid and what is going to happen to our adult/married families now.
Because it's not your egg, sperm or uterus.
Plus, they're not having a baby just to spite you. It's not all about you, so stop acting like it is.
And if your father allowed your step-mother to push you away, then it's more his fault than hers. He had the power to put a stop to that and he didn't, so he's just as responsible.
Were you 18 when you were about to go to college? If so, you had the right to move out and stay away from them.
It's not your place to "approve" of them deciding to have a baby.
Unless your siblings are being neglected or abused, it's none of your business. Spend some time with them if they wish and build a nice relationship with them. But realize that, if they are under 18, they are still under your dad and step-mom's care, and if you treat them poorly then they might deny you access to your siblings.
this, exactly. Please love this kid; it's your sibling.
if you say you're already distant, then it probably wont have much of an impact to your adult/married families.
then you dont have to worry how to act in front of that sibling.
it seems like you're taking this super personally as if she got pregnant on purpose just to piss you off.
first of all you father made his own choices, he is a grown man and if HE stopped talking to you it is because HE chose to do so. they moved inot her house, again HE went along with it...SHE didnt come to your graduation so what does that have to do with HER having a baby??
nothing
it seems like all your anger directed at her should be aimed at your dad,....he is the one that had a responsibility to you not her, and if chose to disregard his responsibility as a grown man that is HIS fault not hers.
again, this is NONE of your business, you dont get to tell people how they should reproduce or not.
Therapy would be good for you.
The world revolves around you, doesn't it?
Your dad and stepmom planned this pregnancy, which means they want it. What you do is plaster a smile on your face whether you approve or not and say, "Congratulations!"
They are all grown up and they get to make their own decisions without consulting you. I assume you don't consult them every time you make a decision.
As to you being ready to have your own kids- think about it as something you'll have in common with stepmom. Maybe it will bring you closer together. You'll have lots to talk about.
Get yourself some therapy to come to terms with this.
Totally agree with PP.
This has nothing to do with you. They chose to have a baby together. You are the one making it about you. Seriously, get over yourself. And stop blaming your SM for all the problems between you and your dad. I'm guessing, based on your "me me me" view of the world, that you and likely a bad attitude were a big part of the wedge driven between you and your SM.
I cannot believe that someone could take the good news of a new sibling and turn it into a sob story of why it'll be bad for them. Well, I guess I could believe it...if it was coming from a five year old.
Different situation, kind of the same principle.
When I was 16, my brother and his wife, after 5 years of marriage and saying they were never, ever having kids, announced that they were pregnant. And the due date fell on my birthday.
I was angry! Angry that this stupid little baby would usurp my position as the baby of the family and, not to mention, do it on the day designated for ME!
After almost 7 months of being angry, the baby was born. And I was totally in love with my niece from the start. I didn't even care that she was born a few days before my birthday.
The point to this story is that I was friggin' SIXTEEN.
You are a grown woman, stop acting like a child. You have issues with your dad being a butthole, deal with them.
Don't act like you're the arbiter of people's actions.
The new baby will free you from having to pick out his nursing home. The new baby will be the one to do all the dirty work of taking care of an elderly parent. Is that the kind of stuff you want to hear so you feel better?
Your dad was a crappy parent and maybe he will be a wiser parent this time around with your new half sibling. Your step mom might be a controlling wench, but your dad was a willing grown man! Take the high road wish them luck and don't focus on what it means to your life. The best you can do is make your own happiness.
Oh dear.
1. Stop blaming your SM for everything. Your father is an adult, and he is 100% capable of making his own decisions. Remember that. He married her, he got close to her children while shutting you out, he allowed his wife to skip your graduation and wedding. HE did these things at least as much as she did. Your hatred of her is misplaced.
2. You don't have to be close to your parents/stepparents. However, to have so much disdain for this child because of your own baggage is almost unforgivable.
3. Please, please get some therapy before you have children.
FWIW, you sound like a spoiled 16 year old, not a mature, married, ready to have children 25 year old.
If things are this bad with your dad and his wife, perhaps you should have politely bowed out of their lives years ago.
I would not stay anywhere I am not welcome and I wouldn't waste my time spending my time with people who don't care about me.
A stepmother attending a college grad or wedding of a stepdaughter is a given. Your dad should have given her holy hell for that -- I will bet you that she calls the shots and she has him by the balls -- and he enables her. Am I right?
I have a sister who is more than 20 years younger than me. What's to "approve" of? My son adores his auntie. I love my sister. She's every bit as much a part of our family as I am.
There isn't some magic age people reach when they get to determine how many children their parents are going to have, or when they're going to have them. Just because you're 25 doesn't mean your dad needed to seek your approval. FFS, grow up and accept it.
I had a lot of issues when my dad told me my SM was pregnant. I dealt with shock, anger, and frustration.
The difference? I WAS TEN! You are 25, not 10. I got over it quickly. I hope you do, too.
Maybe your SM did the exact same thing, which is why she's having a baby at 42. Despite your explanation, I still fail to see why this is any of your business.
The baby is a wedge only if you make it a wedge. It could also be a gate to having a better relationship with your dad and SM, especially if you reconnect as an adult. And by that I mean you act like an adult not like a spoiled princess who has to share dad's attention at the age of 18.
Having a second generation of siblings is completely normal. What do you do? You act like an adult sister.
You need to get some therapy to deal with your issues with your father.
Your father and stepmother treated you poorly and no child should be treated that way by people who are supposed to love, protect and care for them. It's a big deal and it's incredibly hurtful. But it's also something that by now you should have dealt with and realized that your father is to blame. The fact that you are still putting blame for your father's choices and actions on your stepmother tells me you haven't done this. You need to, for your own sake.
I had a situation extremely similar to yours and spent a long time disliking my stepmother for all of it and telling myself that it would all be different if it weren't for her. The truth is that my dad was the one with a responsibility to me and he is the one who hurt me and let me down. He's the one I hold responsible for my pain. I still don't like my stepmother and I think any grown woman should know better than to treat a child that way but my dad's the one who failed me and your father is the one who failed you.
It's incredibly painful when a parent chooses not to be a part of your life and chooses other things or people over you. In a way, it's like twisting the knife when they do choose to be a parent to another sibling because it makes you feel like they didn't not want to be a parent, they just didn't want to be your parent. It hurts and it hurts deep.
You need help to deal with that. You're being ridiculous about your stepmother's pregnancy and handling it extremely poorly, selfishly and immaturely. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that it's because you haven't dealt with you issues about your father and stepmother and not because you're selfish and immature. Seriously, call a counselor and deal with this. It will make your life so much better and make your contact with them - if you choose to continue having contact with them - much healthier for you.
In the end though, it's still none of your business if they have decided to have another child, regardless of how they treated you. You and your H get to make your decisions about your family; they get to make theirs.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!