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Really hurt by my father. Need Advice
I have never really been close to my father, he left my mom for another women when I was in high school and then married her a year later. I have come to terms with this but have never really trusted him 100% especially because he has fallen through on several things, Nothing compares to what happened on my wedding day six months ago. We have only talked once since.
I talked to my Dad and his wife about the plans for the wedding and his wife said I would be able to have anything that I wanted because I was my Dad's only daughter. A few months into planning the wedding, my father finally told me the amount that they were offering to give me. I was very surprised, It was not what I was expecting ( he has a very well paying job and I was not expecting such a low number) but I made no deal of it, and didn't complain and knew I would probably have to pay for the majority of the wedding as well. My mother who was unemployed at the time also put in quite a bit of money which I know she had a hard time being able to do financially.
Honestly I had a beautiful wedding on a budget and I was very happy how it turned out. I also felt very accomplished because I knew I worked my butt off doing DIY, teaching kindergarten full time as well as a night shift retail job in order to pay for it.
These are just some of the few things that happened on my wedding day that have really hurt me.
1. When I came out in my dress the day of the wedding he said and I quote
" you look nice" who says that to their daughter on their wedding day? Even my older brother said that I looked beautiful, and he is always a butt head to me.
2. Right before walking me down the aisle, he asked if my DH and I would be going on a Honeymoon, I told him no because we couldn't afford one. He then suggested we go to take a trip to visit his Wife's Son. FOR OUR HONEYMOON REALLY"
3. He made fun of the Itinerary I had made for the events of the night, but if he would have paid attention he wouldn't have been out smoking when they called him for the Bride and FOB dance in which I stood there fatherless about to cry when they announced it and he was no where to be found.
4. I had asked if he wanted to do a speech, and he said he did. When speeches happened, He never made one. Thankfully my wonderful mother went up and did it as well as my brother.
5. He went home early because his wife wanted to, he didn't help with setting up for the wedding or stay to help take things down. Even though I had asked him to, and he never confirmed.
6. He took pictures of the wedding ( He wouldn't let me get a professional ) and still has not given me the photos.
I really hope this all makes since. I am having a VERY hard time with this and I am not sure what to do. My father does not like hearing feelings, or confrontation and gets defensive. He has always made me feel guilty whenever I feel bad about something. I feel as though there is no use in even trying to make effort with our relationship, I don't think he even wants one anymore. I am very Hurt, and find myself thinking about it and then crying at weird times. Not sure if anyone has any advice or even if you have been through something similar. I'd love some input.
Re: Really hurt by my father. Need Advice
I deleted more info that I had added to this post because it was too long. He basically has screwed me so many times and it came to the point where this was the last straw.
He told me he didn't want me to get a professional photographer because he could do it himself. Then never gave me the photos, he kept saying he was going to and hasn't. I ended up having a family friend do our pictures anyways so I have pictures thankfully.
You asked for advice. Are you ready to take it?
I agree with PP. The only thing you should be upset about is the pictures. Send him an email, tell him that you will be coming to his house this weekend with a thumb drive for your pictures. Then show up. Don't take no for an answer.
He has let you down before, why did you think this was going to be different? Were you hoping that because it was a wedding, he was going to morph into a completely different person? Suddenly become a wonderful, attentive father with perfect timing and a generous heart? Not gonna happen. Didn't happen.
My advice: get some therapy. You have issues in this area and talking them over with a therapist might give you some closure. You will never get it from your dad and you will be much happier if you stop hoping for it.
This was YOUR wedding not his.
He didn't have to do anything. You have stated more then once that you can not count on him, so why did you think this was going to be any different?
He didnt LET you get a photographer is just a crock of crap. You are an adult and if you wanted one you would have gotten one. Again, you know how responsible he is...and you still decided it was a good idea to let him take pictures? your fault!
He made fun of the Itinerary I had made for the events of the night, but if he would have paid attention he wouldn't have been out smoking when they called him for the Bride and FOB dance in which I stood there fatherless about to cry when they announced
Drama queen much...omg! So, you wait 10 min. and do the dance then...fatherless wow...
I'd suggest counseling for you. your pretty princess day didn't go off exactly how you wanted it to...you know you had no dad there to take down chairs..he went out to smoke a cigarette and didnt follow your itinerary...i dont know how youll get over this devestation!
Let's give the OP a break here. It sounds like the real issue is that her dad has never been the ideal dad for her. She had high hopes that for one day, her wedding day, he would be the dad she always wanted. Once again, he disappointed her. The real issue here is probably the realization that her dad will NEVER be the kind of dad she wants and needs.
So my advice? Accept that your dad is who he is. Lower your expectations of him. Know that he will never be the dad that you'd like to have. And know that it isn't your fault.
I'm sorry that your wedding didn't go the way you planned.
You need to recognize that your father is who he is. He is not going to change. He didn't change for your wedding, he's not going to "wake up" and realize how much he loves you and your brother, he's not going to be a wonderful, loving grandparent to your kids.
I would suggest you get therapy.
Two things I noticed from your post:
One is that you are extremely upset over "little things," that if you had a great relationship with your dad, you would have laughed off. For example, If my dad told me I "looked nice," it wouldn't hurt me, because I know he loves me and in his eyes I am beautiful. Also, if my dad were AWOL during the announcement of father-daughter dance, I would see it as a reflection on HIM and not be hurt by it. We would probably laugh about it.
Another is that you give your dad a lot of power in your life. If my (in your case, very unreliable) father told me he would take photos so I shouldn't waste my money, I would have laughed in his face! Ditto relying on him for a wedding budget. Think of your dad as a big "ZERO" and anything he gives you will be a bonus.
Get some counseling to deal with the fact that your father isn't fatherly to you. It will help you enormously! If you don't have a lot of money, see if you get counseling services through work, or check out the United Way for some low-cost options.
Well, it looks like your wedding was beautiful and you do have at least a few shots that were lovely based on your sig photo.
It does sound like there is probably a lot to the history with your father because the grievances you listed seem pretty trivial.
When he told you you looked nice, he probably meant it, maybe he didn't have more money to contribute, he thought it would be meaningful to take the photos himself but just hasn't been organized about getting them to you, etc. So I think you are reacting to these things but there must be some deeper stuff, because honestly, the fact that you have been thinking about this and crying about it more than once for six months since your wedding seems rather like an overreaction.
I'm sorry you are upset about this, but I really agree with some previous posters. Your dad isn't the person you have pictured in your head and when he fails in real life to be that person, you get upset. The cycle has to stop. The only way it is going to stop is by you finally seeing the situation for what it is.
You openly said that since he left your mother he hasn't been dependable for you. Well, why would you think on your wedding day he'd be any different? A lot of that stuff seems like overreacting to many of us because I'd never flip out on my dad for saying I look nice. But, to you, it meant the world for your father to say "You look beautiful" because he's probably never said it. Sadly, you put way too much emphasis on things that are, quite frankly, probably never going to happen.
Deep breathe. See your father for who he is. Go hug your mother and remember the happy things about the day.
I agree w/ many of the others - you have to start seeing your dad for who he is, not for who you want him to be.
I really do think some counseling could help you with this.
You KNOW what he's like. You KNOW it, and yes, it's fine to be disappointed and upset about it. But dont' give him so much power in your life. Take some of that power back and start dealing w/ him as the man he IS, not the man you want him to be.
Unfortunately, being a "parent" doesn't magically make a person a good, reliable, loving, caring, "parently" figure. ANYONE can have kids. Anyone.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. It took me a long time to come to terms with that but once I did, I was much happier.
I 100% agree. You are seeing your dad as you want him to be and not who he is, despite even mentioning that you know he is unreliable and doesn't come through for you. You are just continuing to set yourself up for constant disappointment. Please seek out some individual counseling for yourself.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
ETA: Sorry---just realized how long this was. I'm delaying actually starting my day
It must be that you're projecting all of your other hurts (the ones that really matter) onto your wedding because these all seem so trivial. Let me retell the story from might be your dad's perspective and see what you think. Which way do you think he'd tell it?
OPTION 1
"I was so excited to be a part of my daughter's wedding! After talking with my wife, I realized that we couldn't contribute very much financially. I saw how hard that she was working to help pay for the wedding of her dreams, and I wanted to help her out further, so I told her not to worry at all about getting a photographer because I would take the pictures for her. If I couldn't give her all of the money I wanted to, at least I could do this. On the day of the wedding, I realized she had asked someone else to take pictures, too. I felt a little hurt that she didn't think I'd follow through on my word. She must not need/want my pictures too badly because she asked the other person for the gorgeous ones she posted and has never said a word about mine. Plus, I'm embarassed that her friend's came out so nice while mine are just so-so.
On the day of the wedding I couldn't wait to walk my daughter down the aisle. When she came out of the bridal room, I couldn't believe my eyes. My baby was all grown up. She looked so beautiful that all I could choke out was, 'You look nice.' My emotions got in the way again when it came time to do a toast. I knew I'd lose it and didn't want to embarass her so I chickened out. I'm sure she knows how I feel about her, though. I tried to make a few jokes and some small talk before I walked her down the aisle to calm our nerves, so I asked her about a honeymoon. I felt really badly when I realized she wasn't going on one, and I knew money was tight after the wedding, so I suggested quickly she visit Scott in Santa Barbara just to get away for a bit.
Finally, there was a break in all of the expectations for the father of the bride (which we had good-naturedly joked about before), so I snuck outside for a cigarette. I got stuck talking to Great Uncle Arthur, and before I knew it, the DJ was announcing the father-daughter dance. I feel badly I wasn't in the right place at the right time, but I just fixed the glitch when I returned, and I loved dancing with my daughter that night! I'm sad that Mary was exhausted and we had to head out a few minutes early, but, all and all, it was a wonderful evening!"
OPTION 2
"My daughter decided to get married. I threw her a few shills and expected her to make due. When she walked out of the bridal room, I thought, 'Eh. I've seen better' but I told her she looked nice because I felt like I had to.
I decided to make fun of the fact that she couldn't afford a real honeymoon and took the opportunity right before walking her down the aisle to say, 'Well, you could always go visit Scott in Santa Barbara' so that she'd know that I knew how much more successful my wife's kids are that she is. After all---he lives in Santa Barbara.
Little Miss Perfect had to have a list a mile long bossing us all around for the day. Imagine her surprise when she thought I was going to give a toast and I just sat there. I hope she was crushed! My plan to ruin her perfect day was well set into motion by that time. I even saw on the itenerary that the father-daughter dance was at 9:17, so I snuck outside during that time so she'd be stuck all embarassed and alone on the dance floor! Similarly, I snuck out before the wedding ended, just to hurt her.Just so I could drag the pain out longer, I told her that I took a bunch of pictures, but I left the lenscap on the entire time on purpose. That'll really show her!"
--------------
If it's Option 1, get into therapy to deal with the real issues with your dad, but cut him some slack on the wedding. These things are all so trivial and you're working them up to be WAY more than they really are.
If it's Option 2, cut this man out of your life immediately. Only you know which of these two scenarios is most likely.
5th of July - good job! While I do think she's expecting too much from her dad, at the same time, you put out there what I think is a HUGE factor of SO many issues we see here - people don't try to see a situation through someone else's eyes. They only think about their own perspective, but if you can step back from YOUR perspective, you might realize that there IS another version.
And specifically, you (5th) wrote:
My emotions got in the way again when it came time to do a toast. I knew I'd lose it and didn't want to embarass her so I chickened out.
This happened to us, kind of. Prior to our wedding, the friend who became DH's best man, had given a few speeches at other weddings. They were always great speeches. Funny, sweet, etc. So, when it came to our wedding, I was excited to hear his speech. This was DH's best friend! Of course he'll have a great speech!
His speech ended up being so short, I was stunned. There was a moment of "Uh, what just happened? Where's the real speech?". I wasn't upset, just surprised that it was so short!
Well, at some later point (weeks later), we were all tlaking about the wedding. The best man made a comment about how when he started giving his speech, he got really choked up and was about to cry, so he had to wrap it up quickly.
I don't know if he had a longer speech planned or not, but hearing him say this, it really put it all into perspective! His friend, my DH, getting married made him really emotional and he just didnt' feel he could talk any longer.
Again - I dont' know that I give the OP's father too much credit, BUT, there is something to be said for looking at a situation through someone elses eyes.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This.
Pride, you need to find yours OP. Your whole post is entitled drivel.
I'll agree with the PPs who said that you're setting yourself up for constant disappointment by picturing your father in a certain light. It sounds like he could "be there" for you more, certainly, but face the facts - he's not. He's never going to fulfill your Ideal Dad mold, so come to terms with that ASAP. Given your history with him, you should've realized this a long time ago.
That being said -
You're also being incredibly self-entitled here. Your parents did not owe you money toward your wedding, help setting up/cleaning up, dances, speeches, or shoveling praise on top of you as to how pretty you looked. Ditto PP - it's REALLY crappy of you to have allowed your unemployed mother to pitch in a good chunk of money toward your wedding. You're an adult, and you and your FI decided to get married. Not your parents. Therefore, YOU should've paid for what you could've afforded on your own, and any money your parents decided to gift to you would've been a nice bonus.
You also seem to be looking for reasons to bash your father. He missed the dance? So the hell what? You should've told the DJ he was outside and you'd do it when he came back in. Screw the official itinerary ... if that's why you didn't just do the dance at another time then I can certainly see why your father made fun of you. He made a suggestion for a honeymoon you didn't want to take? Who cares? (Although I'm betting that you're actually mad that he didn't immediately offer to pay for it for you, right?) He told you you looked "nice" instead of "beautiful"? Seriously, get over yourself. He "wouldn't let you hire a pro photographer" - um, did he have a gun to your head when you tried to sign a contract? And the fact that you've been holding this silly grudge for six months just because your wedding didn't go exactly as planned is incredibly childish.
Lower your expectations and stop thinking that everyone owes you something, or that Daddy should've thrown you a nicer wedding.
^^^^
X100000
The expectations that some women (?) pile onto their wedding day is disturbing. It is one day. One.
i could've written the first line of your post as i ahve the same situation so this is coming from someone who knows how you feel. i've realized, over the 18 years since a long cheating ordeal, a super drawn out nasty divorce and years of therapy that your father is who he is-not who you hope him to be. learning that, understanding that and remembering that will save you tons of drama.
i do see some things in your post though that make me feel that you're making a lot of drama too. he told you you looked nice. great-you did look nice. being angry 6 months later because he didn't lick your feet and tell you how absolutely stunning you looked is wrong. he gave you a compliment-it wasn't the one you wanted. move on.
he didn't let you get a photographer. that's a load of bull. you know him, you know that he repeatedly fails you and is a bad father who can't do what he says. sorry but i see this as YOUR error for actually believing him, hoping he'd come though, and having the same result as the last trillion times. next time know better.
no one has to give a speech. generally it's only the MOH and BM that give them, not the parents, siblings etc... he said he wanted to, he's entitled to change his mind for whatever reason. let it go.
as for the FOB dance. ok. he was late. your whole marriage wasn't ruined, your wedding went on fine. move on over this. nothing you can do about it now. you werent left at the altar in tears. that's annoying.
i do know what you mean about these things being the last straw though. even though they are small issues themselves they just add to the growing snowball of letdowns, broken promises etc.. but that's just it. you need to stop expecting things. you need to get yourself straight with this-HE IS NOT THE FATHER YOU WISH THAT HE WAS OR THAT YOU HOPE HE WILL BECOME. plain and simple. as difficult and heart wrenching as it is you need to learn that caps sentence above and stop letting him create situations where you'lljsut be let down again. i know its hard and heart breaking but it only seems that you're the one constantly being upset by him-not him, so start taking on the issues. Dont let him make you feel like this.
I think your dad is a jerk and you were hoping he wouldn't be for your wedding day - but since he's a jerk he was.
He's obviously not very plugged in to what you want or need. According to you, he has plenty of money but he let your unemployed mother shoulder a good deal of the burden for the cost of the wedding - probably a theme with him, right? He doesn't call you beautiful or mae you feel special. He's cheap and unthoughtful.
And its really weird that they didn't spot your dad (and you) before they announced the dance. The thoughtless, clueless guy was out smoking, not reading his play bok. SOMEBODY should have checked that he was in the room before they announced. That's just stupid. But your feeling (in bold) say that you saw this wedding as much as a father-daughter moment, as a wife-groom begining. And that's just not healthy or productive.
Your dad's a jerk. He's not going to stop being one, but you can stop reacting to him like a hurt teenager. A good therapist can help you with that. You don't have to shut down emotionally to gain the perspective that you need to stop getting hurt by the guy.
And really, the only man that you needed to feel beautiful for and dance with was your new husband.
I agree with MarynJoe...a couple of points
If y
...and to the rest of the points made? Are they helping you at all?
EDIT: Yes. But, the problem lies in that you thought he'd fundamentally change for one day of your life. It's a wedding day, yes - very important, but not the be all and end all of life. I hope you take the advice of many people in this thread and stop looking for him to be something he's not. I hope you can move on from this and him.
Thank you to all of the support! I agree with many of you, I should have realized how my father was and realize he isn't going to change for one day just because its my wedding day. Yes it would have been nice to hear "you look beautiful" from him, but I've never heard it. But I'll get over it, and have thought about counseling, NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE WEDDING, a lot of people got it, there are many things that have happened that let up to this feeling.
Again thank you for all the SUPPORT! I am a very happy wife now and have a wonderful husband, who I know will be 100% better father to our children than my father was to me. I have also been contemplating not letting my father be a part of my life because I don't want him to be in my children's lives and disappoint them like he did myself and my brother. Right now he is also showing that he doesn't want to be a part of my life anyways.
The problem is that you went into the wedding magically expecting your Dad to become the father he hasn't been over the years. And of course he disappointed you.
I am completely agog that you would expect any kind of contribution from your father or allow your unemployed mother to contribute. DH and I paid for our wedding on our own, so even if someone had told us we "couldn't" hire a photographer we would have laughed at them and done what we wanted anyway.
How old are you? Your post sounds a tad bit immature. I'd also suggest therapy to work through some of the expectations and disappointments re. your relationship with your Dad.
I agree with pp. Get in therapy and calm down. I understand being hurt at the time, really I do. It's been six months though. It's time to readjust your expectations and move on.
My ILs didn't want to give a toast at our reception. I saw it as they're not comfortable talking in front of a bunch of people they don't know, not they hate me and wish I wasn't marrying their only son. It isn't a big deal.
I had my sister's SIL take my wedding pictures and it was a bad idea. She left at the beginning of the reception. Just said bye guys, I have to leave. No advance notice or anything. Thank goodness my dad's a photographer and took pictures or I'd have none from my reception. To top it off it took her 9 months to get us our pictures back! Lesson learned; use a professional and sign a contract!
My point is, things happen but the best part of that one day is I married my best friend and we were and continue to be very happy. It was one day. Is your marriage going well? Are you happy you married your H? Those are the important things; not the bad things that happened on your wedding day.
I do hope things end up better with your dad eventually though. I can only imagine how it must hurt that you have these issues with your dad.
If you read what I wrote you can see I did not EXPECT contribution! Both of my parents offered to help, and in the end I ended up paying for most of it. My DH is in school because he was in the Army and now using his GI bill and working part time, he wasn't able to contribute but paid our bills, while I saved for the wedding. Like I wrote in my OP I worked a full time teaching job as well as a night time retail job in order to pay for the wedding. I ended up having a friend do my pictures and she did a great job, I did pay for her however she was not as much as the photographers I had first looked at because she had no experience. SHE DID AWESOME!