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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Really hurt by my father. Need Advice
Why on this one day would his normal behavior magically change? I think you had very unreaslistic expectations here.
I will second ditto this!
OP, you have to come to terms with the fact that this is a character flaw in your father, not a reflection on you. Sadly too, he may actually be *trying* but they way that he is parenting/trying, isn't the way that makes you feel fulfilled/loved.
Seriously? My DH had gotten sidetracked before we did our dance. I laughed it off. It wasn't the worst feeling ever. You are a bridezilla and a b!tch.
The picture in your signature is lovely.
One of the best things I've ever done for myself is to lower my expectations of my parents. I'm sorry your dad disappoints, but don't let it ruin everything for you.
BUT
BUT
BUT
well... there you have it, you actually don't know this. Or you keep hiding behind it as a defense to your overreactions (and yes, some of what you wrote is a huge overreaction).
Look- I'm not going to fault you for wanting him to be someone different. I'm not going to fault you for wishing. However, the time has come for you to step up and really face facts. THIS is who your father is. Through and through.
Start accepting it and find a way to deal with it so that you stop putting so much power into his hands.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ohhh jeezus, here we go. Why even post on here needing advice if you wanted a specific audience to respond? Sorry, but you chose a message board where a lot of women have a lot of experience in different situations and can offer insight into your post.
I am, in fact, in a similar situation to you. My dad has always made grandiose promises that he was never able to deliver. Although with a lot of time and therapy, I have been able to accept that is who he is. Like ECB said, it doesn't change the fact that I wish he could be there for me and support me, but the reality is that he has never displayed that behavior and probably never will. I think it's time you help yourself and separate what you wished he'd be versus what you really know him to be.
You need to calm down and get over it.
I can sympathize with others. I guess I'm not seeing anything to sympathize with here. Nothing at all. You are being a petty.
Yeah, that was b!itchy. I'll admit it.
I have been in a similiar situation. My parents weren't the All-American mom and dad. I don't think that either of my parents called me "pretty" or "beautiful" or said I looked "nice" on my wedding day. My mom did tell me that I was being a bridezilla because I asked her what to do after one of the readers called and told me that they were going to be half an hour late for the wedding and I should wait for them.
She's told my younger sisters teachers (and my old teachers) that "as long as she doesn't turn out like [me, my mom] will be happy." I get it. You need to get it-- get over it.
I talked to my Dad and his wife about the plans for the wedding and his wife said I would be able to have anything that I wanted because I was my Dad's only daughter. A few months into planning the wedding, my father finally told me the amount that they were offering to give me. I was very surprised, It was not what I was expecting ( he has a very well paying job and I was not expecting such a low number) but I made no deal of it, and didn't complain and knew I would probably have to pay for the majority of the wedding as well. My mother who was unemployed at the time also put in quite a bit of money which I know she had a hard time being able to do financially.
Make up your mind.
My dad split with my mom when I was very young. We don't have a close relationship. He spent most of my childhood canceling our time together because he was "sick". He's never told me he's proud of me, that I'm pretty/beautiful, or given me any kind of fatherly advice. Do I wish things were different? Yes. Especially since I lost my mother this year and he's the only parent I have left. But the reality is that I have no expectations of him. This is our relationship and I don't see it changing.
You have to accept things as they are. You wedding has come and gone and there is nothing you can change.
You said that you didn't expect contribution from your parents but then followed it with a lot of sentences that implied otherwise. I think you'd do well to acknowledge that you did have some expectation that your Dad would pay up and that his failure to pay made you feel sidelined. I was in school FT when we got married, we still made the decision to pay ourselves and not to wait until we had more $ saved up. This does not make me bitter or resentful. You have control over how you feel about your wedding day and how you remember it and you are choosing to remember it in the way that is most painful to you.
I do get where you're coming from, we have been through some of it with my ILs. Of course it is always hurtful when you hope they're showing signs of wanting to become more involved and then don't follow through, but in the end you have to make a decision of whether you can accept the relationship your Dad is willing to give or whether you are not ok with being second to his wife. It's clear that you're carrying a lot of anger and resentment and are not willing to accept the relationship he is willing to give, which is why I suggested counseling. Will it ever stop hurting completely? No. Will you ever stop being unpleasantly surprised when something happens and he doesn't support you in the way you would hope? No. But you can manage the level of hurt and the damage it does to you psychologically and the rest of your life by making a conscious decision not to let it take over your life. It's ok to be sad and hurt on occasion when he doesn't come through, it is a gut wrenching horrible feeling and I understand that. But it is not ok to let those feelings become toxic to the rest of your life.
Ah, the classic "You don't know me!" defense.
Who is this even aimed at?
You are losing your touch, Mags. Hopefully, winter break will allow you to catch up.
mbcdefg
I can take all the other Sh!t that comes at me, I know there will be negativity when I post things, bust when you see its the same person every time you post something it gets really old, and make you wonder what kind of life they have when they just sit on boards trying to make other people feel bad. GET OVER YOURSELF!
omg I am losing touch...god damn job! i will have to post extra during winter break...i can't let this happen...
In all seriousness, I'm considering it, to try to figure out my what people like to say "daddy-issues" or whatever , but in all other aspect of my life I'm very happy. Everyone goes through a rough patch now and then.
Second! I"m not a dude!
I have faith in you, Mags.
OP, it's not easy to be disappointed by parents.You grow up thinking that they can do no wrong. One day, you wake up and you realize that they are just people and make mistakes, just like everyone else. Finding someone objective to talk to, like a therapist, can help you to sort through your feelings regarding this.
The fact that all your examples had to do with your wedding day makes you come off like a selfish little princess, but if there is more to this that you haven't told us, then you're going to have to work to change your expectations. Otherwise, you will continue to be disappointed.
Actually, mbcdefg isn't a b!tch. She gives really great advice to people who aren't being petty and unrealistic. And you are. You thought your less-than-stellar father was going to magically become someone else on your wedding day, and he didn't. He complimented you on looking nice, and that wasn't good enough. He could have told you you looked like crap or said nothing at all. So you're complaining about the compliment he did give you. Complaining about some ridiculous suggestion about a honeymoon. You let that ruin your whole night and you're holding something so stupid against him? Your expectations are too high, and you're still complaining and stewing about things that really weren't that big of a deal six months later. The only thing I can even see being annoyed with is not getting the pictures back. That's all. The rest is just pathetic that you're this upset over and having to post about when the wedding was half a year ago.
And really, the "you don't know me" defense is old. All the people who get advice or feedback they don't like use that line. All anyone can comment on is what's posted by the OP, and what you posted seems really petty and insignificant, especially to be whining about so many months later. So no, no one "knows you", but all anyone can go off of is what you posted in your OP and subsequent followups.
And how has she been coming after you for "so long" when you've only posted 40 times?
Well, some people call it b!itch..usually new people who haven't been posting for long and who really dont want to hear the truth. They want people to sympathize when obviously they are overreacting, being unreasonable, or just plain wrong. When people call them on their crap the poster usually makes one of the following remarks...
You dont know me
You just dont understand
You havent been in my shoes
You are all so mean
I feel sorry for your H's
or they just DD.
The people who are called b!tches are usually dead on with their responses, but poster want to hear the truth,
Of course then people who actually may see the truth then complain about the delivery...too blunt...too mean...to hurtful etc..
Now I myself dont usually call names I dont think it is necessary, but i am blunt and shoot from the hip. of course if someone comes back with nastiness i will rip them up.
so, being a b!tch of the board is a compliment!
this is such a crazy-biotchy response that i am sitting here with my jaw open. to the floor.
i think you need to get a grip, not the OP.
and to the OP - i think amoung all of the really sh!tty responses, you have received some helpful feedack (suebear and ECB, off the top of my head).
i think it's normal that you are upset over those events. i would be too - and not b/c i am a pretty princess, but b/c it hurts to know that your own parent doesn't meet your expectations, even on a day as important as your wedding. the fact that you were left standing there when they called for the FOB dance has me feeling really bad for you. that's not a hard thing to shake off.
a lot of the other things you posted are no big deal, in the context of having a good relationship with someone. but since you don't have a good realtionship with your father, i can fully understand why you feel so blue.
i'm sorry.
omg thank you so much....i feel so much better now, thanks for coming. ill sleep better tonight knowing i got my title back....whew im so glad you came here and posted that.
Maybe you just need to focus on what you have instead of what you don't. Your dad sucks. Realize it and move on. Quit re-living your wedding day. Its over and done with, you can't change it, you shouldn't harbor resentment over it.