Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Family feels uncomfortable around cousin
Our children are perfect. Just not her kind of perfect. I'm very content with what God blessed me with. Your little girl is a beauty, btw.
yep yep yep
Touche'
You are right--our kids are absolutely perfect. (and thanks, I think she is pretty darn cute as well, but if I had the OP's logic, she wouldn't exist). Her idea of "perfect" doesn't exist (which is why I used quotes, but I am sure that will go over her head since she is so wrapped up in herself).
My Valentine Bookends (2~13~13, 2~15~09)
oooooh that explains a LOT
I just can't formulate a response for this b/c on one hand, I understand not wanting to be around someone who has a violent history.
However, not wanting to be around him b/c he makes you "uncomfortable" b/c he's special needs is a total BS reason.
But it's your life.
Like ECB, I had a "soft" marker for Down Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis at my 19 week ultrasound and my DS was born without either one. While it is your right to do what you want, please know that doctors tell you every thing that COULD be wrong and there are many instances where the issue works itself out.
Yes he makes myself and the family uncomfortable. This is not an assumption on my family's part. We have openly discussed it. We put on a face and do it for my aunt because we do understand where she's coming from.
This has to be MUD.
I think this post can be separated into two issues, and I'm going to try to do just that.
The first issue is the fear of this cousin's challenges. I get that - a lot of people are scared of things they don't understand. We see it all the time. But it's not just about blind fear, it's about understanding what his challenges are. To me, the fact that you used the R word says that you really don't know what all's going on with him, what his limits are, why he acts out and behaves the way he does. Understanding the reason why might help you become a bit more compassionate, something you're going to need to learn if you want to become a parent. That said, however, if he really is dangerous and you really do fear for your safety around him, stay away. Don't take a stand, don't make it into a huge deal - let your actions speak the words you want to stay, but shouldn't.
The second issue is your overall reaction to this kid, and I'm going to guess, others in similar situations to his. Usually when someone is "anti" one person, they're "anti" others that are like that one person as well. I'm going to encourage you to look deep into yourself and ask yourself why you're so hateful to a kid who has never done anything to intentionally hurt you. It could be fear (which I addressed before) but my guess is that you see something in common between you and him, and you want to keep that distance up so that no one else will see it. That's how your anger and hatred read, at least to me. Again, the best way to overcome this is to develop some patience, kindness and compassion to him.
My religious friends say that God creates people with challenges and hardships not to test them (those individuals) but to test the people around them, the people with whom that person interacts, lives with, is related to. I'm not religious, but to me, that explains a lot. Consider it a test, and try to pass.
This just proves how woefully un-self aware you are. To claim you understand where she's coming from, then to admit you'd terminate a pregnancy in the event of problems/abnormalities?! The hypocrisy is so obvious, I almost laugh. Almost.
No... you and your aunt are from different planets, my friend.
Big Girl 2.7.06 ~ Baby Girl 9.2.07
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
well as a person who has spent many years working with "retarded" people (that comment alone shad tons of light on the situation) some of them violent i cn tell you with 100 % certainty that I'd rather have dinner with your cousin 1 million times over than to be associated with you at all. The company would certainly be better.
This is the one whose first post on TIP was about demanding to change a restaurant chosen by a work superior because of her "issues"? And wouldn't eat salad because only rabbits eat salad?
Ha.
You are so self-absorbed it hurts to think about it. Please don't have kids until you're able to think outside your own little bubble.
Many people are uncomfortable around those with special needs. So, I won't jump on the OP over that.
Many people abort fetuses with markers for syndromes, especially Down. Wasn't there just a report that came out saying that 80-90% of fetuses with Down Syndrome are being aborted?
Although the term is now Special Needs or Developmentally Delayed, many professionals still use the term Mental Retardation, so I won't jump on that either. The only time I hate the use of the word 'retarded' is when it's thrown around casually like you often see on The Nest, or when it's used to be cruel. The OP didn't use it in that context.
Many people aren't able to handle a chid with special needs. It's not like the OP is the only one. And, if she can't handle it, it's better that she admit it now that end up with a child she is unable to properly parent. So, I won't jump on that.
My issue would be my safety or the safety of my children. I understand wanting to include the cousin in family events. However, if it at any time it becomes a dangerous situation to me or my children, I would leave. But, I wouldn't automatically write off the cousin assuming he will always escalate. I wouldn't not show up. And, I wouldn't gather the family to make a group decision. It's up to each individual to decide what's best for himself/herself.
I have worked with adults with Developmental Disabilities and Autism, and the violence can be terrifying. While safety is paramount, I understand wanting to include him in events, and I see the value in that. It's also okay to admit that all events and situations aren't best for every person. Maybe the holidays are too overstimulating for the cousin and maybe he'd be best with smaller, calmer groups.
The bolded part above makes me so very sad. I have a few different scenario's for you.
1. You have a "perfect" baby. At 15 months old that baby starts loosing skills and by the age of 3 your child is diagnosed with Rett Syndrome and you realize that you child probably will never walk and will most likely be mentally disabled. What will you do?
2. You have that "perfect" child. Your family is in a car accident when the child is 7 years old and the child is left a quadraplegic and mentally disabled. What are you going to do?
3. Your mom had turned 80 and has Alzheimer's. She is wetting her pants and cannot remember who you are. Would you ever visit her?
4. You or your husband are diagnosed with MS. By age 45 you/him cannot walk and needs help with all daily needs. What would you do?
Your posts makes me so sad. You need to volunteer at your local UCP for a few months. It would truly open your eyes to a wonderful and precious population that you seem to think are disgusting. Your cousin's behavior problems are a handful no doubt. But for you to assume that you know how your aunt feels is really sad.
I truly, truly hope that you have a "perfect" child and that it always stays that way.
I also hope that you really think about the replies that you have gotten today.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
So do yourself (and mainly, everyone else) a favor and stay away from anyone who's different than you. Geez louise.
This post makes me so pissed about being infertile.
The OP mentioned it being "awkward", how they're all "dancing on eggshells" and everyone basically wanting to enjoy holiday gatherings without him there. Based on that and the overall feel of the post, the issue doesn't appear to have much to do with safety, even if that's the excuse given to justify not wanting to deal with him. There's a big diff between feeling "awkward" and "uncomfortable" vs unsafe.
In other words, if it's not perfect, get rid of it?!? You have a lot of growing up to do before you put a child's life in your hands. That's not an insult or a joke. I'm serious.
I can't add anything more that hasn't already been said. As a person going to school to work in special ed, you sicken me. As a person who has spent the last nine years working with adults with developmental disabilities specializing in the severely emotionally disturbed population I've seen it all. Just so you understand, not that it will matter, all behavior is a form of communication and if ya'll would just get your heads out of you collective @sses and listen maybe you would help everyone out.
I have been there. I worked with a student who had been moved to a severely emotionally disturbed class room because he tried to choke out his former teacher. After less than five months working with him he was able to not only move out of the SED classroom but into an inclusion classroom. (Just in case you are ignorant, and I think you might be, that is a mainstream classroom. Regular ed and special ed mixed together.) My point? You are writing your cousin off and it doesn't need to be that way.
Clearly you do not understand where your aunt is coming from. Perhaps the rest of your family sympathizes with her struggles in dealing with a special needs child, but you do not. You said yourself that you would abort or give up any baby that has a special need. That is not understanding - that is ignorance and intolerance.
I understand not wanting to put yourself or your baby (once he or she is born - assuming you let that happen) into a situation that may cause physical harm. Perhaps there are avenues your aunt has not yet tried - different medications, hiring an aide to help with family gatherings, etc. If, however, it seems that nothing will deter your cousin's violent behavior, you have every right not to subject your child to that. But don't make it a "choose me or my cousin" situation with the rest of your family. Not attending family functions is YOUR choice, and don't put anyone else (like your grandmother) in the middle.
Other than that, I can't give much advice, except perhaps try to find an ounce of compassion for your cousin. You've only spoken about your aunt, and putting on a brave face for her sake. How do you think your cousin might feel? Even if his particular suite of special needs cause him to process emotion and social interaction in a vastly different way than you, maybe he doesn't like feeling ostracized for something he can't help. You can help your behavior - I suggest you do that.
I must be horrible. I have not one, not two but THREE special needs children. I have one with autism, one with a genetic syndrome, autism, apraxia, and an intellectual disability and a third with what we believe is Aspergers and a motor skills delay.. I didn't plan on it but you know what, it is wonderful! I adore my boys and think you are disgusting. What if your child were to be in an accident and become disabled? Would you stop loving them? Would you put them up for adoption?
I must be horrible. I have not one, not two but THREE special needs children. I have one with autism, one with a genetic syndrome, autism, apraxia, and an intellectual disability and a third with what we believe is Aspergers and a motor skills delay.. I didn't plan on it but you know what, it is wonderful! I adore my boys and think you are disgusting. What if your child were to be in an accident and become disabled? Would you stop loving them? Would you put them up for adoption?
I must be horrible. I have not one, not two but THREE special needs children. I have one with autism, one with a genetic syndrome, autism, apraxia, and an intellectual disability and a third with what we believe is Aspergers and a motor skills delay.. I didn't plan on it but you know what, it is wonderful! I adore my boys and think you are disgusting. What if your child were to be in an accident and become disabled? Would you stop loving them? Would you put them up for adoption?
I guess I'm glad my mom isn't like you or she would've given me up for adoption when I was a year old when I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Or perhaps when I was diagnosed with epilepsy at age 12. Shiit happens beyond our control. God made me with an awesome purpose in mind. He has a plan for me and my life.
/end rant to OP who doesn't want to hear it anyway.
I'm with PPs; find some empathy. Educate yourself on your cousin's disability. Help your aunt out.
So if they find the kid has autism at age 3, will you put him up for adoption then? Holy crap.
H was born missing a leg. Its hardly effected him at all. Would you abort/put him up for adoption too? He can do everything anyone else can...and even swam D-1 college.
My cousin has a genetic problem that hasn't even been given a name, she's 21. She's also been very violent, but not one person in my family would even dream of asking my aunt to keep her away from ANY family function. ALL OF US take responsibility of her when we're all together.
I will tell you that she is one of the sweetest girls that I know. She can turn your day from bad to good in a second. She is 21, but has the mental capacity of a 5 year old, the speech of a 1 year old, and the love that some grown people lack.
We love her and are happy that she's here.