Trouble in Paradise
ReturnOfKuus
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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My flameworthy post of the day
You know that FM thread where that crazy lactose-free woman was complaining about her special needs cousin and saying she'd abort or adopt out any special needs kids she may have? She was a jackass and a half... but was anyone else raising an eyebrow at the three or four women who were saying that they had several special needs kids of their very own? Isn't that kinda f*cked up, to have one special needs kid and then just keep on popping out the babies?
Re: My flameworthy post of the day
I think so too...if I had one special needs child I would only have one child.
Well I think that sometimes you just don't know. My sister has a son with autism. When they got pregnant after him, they did all the testing on the fetus and determined that baby had down syndrome. At that point, my sister was willing to accept that baby, but as it turned out that baby (a daughter) did not have down sydrome and is healthy.
I think it depends on the disability. If I were genetically predisposed to having children who had a poor quality of life, I would definitely look at adoption or ivf (someone else's egg) or another way to have a family.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
It's not the poor quality of life for the special needs kid that's the issue - it's the amount of extra time, energy, and worry parents expend on one special needs kid, in a world in which none of these things are infinite.
But then there are women out there who have the energy and time for 2, 3, 4 kids or more- and do a great job at it.
While I personally know that I would w/o question stop after one child if he were special needs, I can actually see how other women don't make that same choice.
While I agree that time and energy is finite, some people really do have more energy than me, and in a sense, time (if we had more $$ and I didn't have to work - I'd have more time for my personal life....).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't think that I could handle it. I'm just not built that way. I'm not even sure I would be able to properly take care of one sp needs child, never mind 3. Of course, that would depend on the level of functionality.
This is a big consideration for us when we talk about having a kid (or not). I guess you just have to play the hand you are dealt the best way you know how.
Say what?
This all depends on the disability/disease. I think it's selfish, but in the way that yes, parents would have a child with such a poor quality of life only to fulfill their own desires to have a family.
I think that if there was a genetic predisposition to a specific disease, I personally think that I would not be able to handle it. I think that if you are already short on money/time/resources and you have another kid with a high chance of having that disease.... That is an extremely questionable choice in my mind.
However, if you have two kids and they both are "fine" and then turn out to have autism... I think that is the "luck of the draw."
I think the one mother had kids with autism/Asperbergers. Am I correct in assuming that there is no way she could have known?
One, yeah, she had a second kid before she found out that the first one was autistic. But then they went and had a third after that, which she now thinks is also on the autism spectrum. That to me is crazy.
Yes, I know several people. They are in a very stable financial position and have access to a lot of supports and services. Just because many people aren't in such a fortunate position doesn't mean that there isn't anyone who can possibly make it work.
Not to pick that mother apart, but I think that two of the kids are twins. I was kind of under the impression that she had one kid, then twins and then these things started popping up.
I know a mother here who is in kind of the same situation-- she had a child, then a set of twins close together and they have some health problems that have been popping up.
I also know a mom who I've been side-eyeing-- her older son isn't expected to live to adulthood, there is a 25% chance that her children will have the same disease and she just had her second baby and are waiting to see if it has the same issue.
I understand that people want more than one kid, but I think in that situation, I would have adopted.
No, no, not that one. I was very careful to look at people's tickers before getting judgy.
It's not about finances. It's about the emotional strain it places on a family, and how much emotion is invested in each kid. There's only so much a parent can do.
Okay. Well, then, in some instances, I agree with you.
I also agree that it isn't about the finances. Its about EVERYTHING else. I guess in the situation that I posted-- the 25% chance that the second baby will have the same disease, I feel much worse for the kids than the parents.
I think there's such a wide variety of "special needs" out there and to such varying degrees, it's pretty useless to try to make blanket statements about families with special needs kids.
Every parents/kid combo is unique. Some parents are better equipped to deal with a particular kind of special needs, even if "severe" or unmanageable to another set of parents. Other parents are lazy and/or incompetent and would be overwhelmed by the smallest challenge that was any harder than plunking your kid down in front of Nick Jr. all day.
Younger siblings born into a family with an older special needs child will grow up learning a lot about compassion and helping others and sticking out difficult situations, even if they don't get 100% of their parents' attention. But what younger child does? By that logic, no one should ever have second children at all, because neither gets as much attention from the parents than an only child would.
I agree, but some people are capable of it. They might be few and far between, but they do exist. That said, there are a lot of people out there who really aren't up to the task of raising the children they do have, special needs or not.
Sometimes you don't know they're special needs until later. Both my sister's children have autism, but were not diagnosed until about 2 years old. They are only 15 months apart. My niece acted completely normal until about 18 months. In fact, she probably was diagnosed later because there was an assumption that her behavior was just a bit of regression after my nephew was born. She stopped talking, started acting different, etc.
So, by the time there was even one diagnosis, there were already two children. Then it was a waiting game to see if nephew would also be diagnosed with autism, and he was. My sister is not planning on having any more children now that she knows.
But, even if you did know you had a special needs child, I can understand the temptation to have another one in the hopes that that child would not be special needs. I'm not sure how many people would risk it, but I can understand the temptation at least.
People will always have such different views on having children after having a child with a disability. I think is is a very personal opinion, as lots of parents go on to having healthy children after having one with a disability.
I am just curious to what you guys think about having children after your first born (or other child) has a medical condition, seizure disorder, heart problems etc?
I have a friend growing up whose parents adopted a special needs child when their biological kids were in HS. It was a transition for them and certainly not easy, but they raised three awesome kids when all was said and done.
eh, I think you deserve any flames you get here Kuus.
You're assuming that special needs = genetically linked. And we both know that that can be the case but often is NOT the case.
And your whole "special needs kids are to much of a time/attention/money suck, everyone in their families always resents them" schtick has been, and remains BS. Of course, it can't be argued with because you'll claim anyone who has personal experience and disagrees w/ you on it is in denial/programmed to say that/whatever--I actually see this as one of your blind-spots.
But you knew my opinion on all that :-P
Isn't this all the same thing? Again, to me it's the severity.
I would think it would be such a hard decision to deal with.
There is a poster on TB that has one special needs child with a genetic blood disorder that requires a bone marrow transplant in the first years of life. I believe she went through IF and had a really hard time conceiving #1. This new pregnancy she is currently dealing with is a complete surprise. She was told she would always need IVF to conceive so the pregnancy is something she never thought about or took measures to prevent (that I know of).
The baby will need a transplant as well and has already tested positive for the disorder through prenatal testing. She chose to continue the pregnancy knowing the road ahead would be like #1. TBH, I don't think I could do that but I don't know which is more painful-- terminating the pregnancy that is a happy surprise or going with the devil you know & coping with the disorder after the baby is born?
Some folks have the ability to deal with different amounts of stress. I get what you are saying Kuus (about the stress on existing children and the whole family) but I would say that it is up to the person/family in question to make those decisions once they realize what is coming down the pike.
If it were me I would most likely make the decision based on what I believed to be the quality of life for the child and the whole family. That is something you HAVE to guess at. You never really know and the people that have multiple Special Needs children probably made the decision with the information they had.
I've been told that you "just do it" when it comes to the stress and making things work. It sounds so stressful and painful to me, but if I were in that situation I might just take it a day at time and a child at a time.
If as a parent you are prepared to raise the child, then I don't think there is any need for anyone outside of the family to raise an eyebrow over the decision to have a second or third child who may or may not be special needs.
Now, if as a parent you are NOT prepared to raise the child, then eyebrows should be raised. But that applies across the spectrum of conditions: genetic, socio-economic, etc.
Yes I think that it is.
I was asking as my mom got asked all the time when I was younger why she continued to have children after she had me. I was born with a rare disorder but also multiple other medical problems. I have a twin sister who was not as sick as I was but she was ill as well. My mom went on to have 2 more children that were healthy for the most part. As I got older the docs figured out a treatment plan for me and I have been healthy ever since I was about 12. (all of my siblings were born before I was 12)
I kind of think this hits the nail on the head. I guess that is what I am picturing. A family who is making poor choices, based on the conditions that they are in.
How special needs is special needs? If I had an AW mom, she could've said that I was special needs because I'm dyslexic.
The Mr. and I debated this extensively.
I have ADHD. He deals w/ depression/anxiety disorders. We both get migraines (which means Buffy has like a 45% chance of getting them. Ick).
Is that 'special needs' or 'genetic lottery'?
(I'd say my answer depends on the day)
I've actually been thinking a lot about this lately. I will turn 30 when DS is 6 months old. I would like three children, to be done by 35 years-old, and to have enough of a gap between children that I can give give as much attention as I feel is optimal as they need it. I'd love to have them 4 years apart.
Obviously, that doesn't work. So two children four years apart? Three two years apart and done at 36? One fabulous little baby. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Then again, I could have my little plan and end up with IF issues and a huge dog rescue.
For me, the line at which I'd say "one is all I can handle" is if the child had a severe mental or physical disability and would require my constant care throughout their life and I didn't feel like I could devote enough time to a second child. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. But this is such a personal thing. I am probably going to be one bio-kid and done anyway.