Military Nesties
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Kinda morbid funeral question
DH and I were talking in the car the other day about what type of funeral we each would want. He mentioned that he would want a military funeral but be cremated. After thinking about it, I have never seen/been to a military funeral where the person was cremated (there was always a casket). So here is my question, if you are wanting a military funeral do you have to be buried in a casket, or can you be cremated? Also, would you have to be buried in a military graveyard (like for veterans) or can you be buried anywhere?
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Re: Kinda morbid funeral question
He can be cremated and if he wants to be buried, that can be at any cemetary. The Honor Guard has little jurisdiction areas and they'll travel pretty much anywhere for a funeral.
These are excellent things to put in a will.
One of H's coworkers died over the summer in a training accident, and we went to both the memorial and one of the two burials (part of his ashes were interred in his hometown, the other half at his wife's family plot). The memorial did not have the ashes present, and I didn't even see them at his wife's family plot. I assume it would be like that in general. And he had a full ceremony at both his burials, and I know his wife's family plot was not at a military cemetery.
It was a beautiful and heartbreaking ceremony, and you don't notice the absence of a casket. And I know they still make sure the uniform and such is just as perfect before cremation.
ETA: And at some of the more popular military cemeteries, you have to be cremated to be interred there for space reasons. One of my grandfathers is at Fort Rosecranz, and it's that way there. Another grandfather is at Mounds Nat'l Cemetery in Illinois, and he did not have that issue.
It looks like the VA even offers cremation reimbursement if certain criteria are met.
http://www.cremation.org/veterans.shtml
Also, I don't think these things are morbid. It's like getting a will done or having an advanced medical directive. It's nice to know that our loved ones know what we'd like done with our SGLI and with our body should we die any time soon. It relieves a lot of worry...the surviving family member doesn't have to worry and wonder if they're doing the right thing.
I agree with this. We have a pretty lengthy conversation about this every time J leaves for a deployement.
Chiming in here...my uncle was cremated and still had a military funeral. His ashes were set before the altar as a casket would be, and they still folded the flag and presented it to my aunt. As always, the military aspect of the funeral was very poignant and heartbreakingly beautifully done.
ETA: his ashes were not interned in a military cemetery.
Just wanted to echo what everyone else has said. My husband is on Honor Guard and he's done funerals all over, both at civilian and military cemeteries. He says he actually does more funerals where the loved one has been cremated as opposed to being buried; the ashes are sometimes present and sometimes they are not.
I think there are some minor restrictions on where you can be buried. A friend of mine's grandmother is buried at Annapolis since she died first. He ended up being buried at Arlington, and they wanted to move the grandmother since she wasn't authorized to be buried there without him. Thankfully they dropped that line of stupid thought.
I realize she was just a spouse, but I don't think just anyone military can be buried at Annapolis, either.
H and I probably wouldn't have a funeral. We've talked how to ditch our bodies, but any sort of gathering hasn't even crossed our minds. I don't think it's at all morbid to discuss, though.
My husband and I haven't talked about it too much because we both feel that the other person should do whatever they feel at the time will be the most soothing. I know nothing will feel soothing, but what will be best for the living person. When we were visiting friends in Arlington after this past deployment, DH did say that the place was amazing and that's where he wants to spend eternity.
As far as military funerals go...
I have been to two military funerals where the person was cremated. The first was my uncle and he was cremated and put in a tomb kind of thing(I don't know the real name sorry) in Arlington 2 months after he was cremated. There was a chapel service and military honors were performed at Arlington.
A close friend of ours was also cremated earlier this year. He was KIA and his parents wanted him buried and wanted a headstone, but his wife did not want that. He was in a casket for the services at the church. Then we went to a civilian cemetery, where his wife and son were presented with all of his medals, flags, etc. Her casualty officer insisted that the official military honors and presentation of medals would only be done outside (despite it was the middle of the blizzard). I don't know if this is normal protocol or not though. He was not cremated until after the presentation of medals and all. I'm not sure if him being cremated later was for his parents or for military reasons.
Very much this. Also, having to make these decisions at a time when the loss is so fresh is extremely stressful. You've seen it yourself. This stuff can cause family rifts.
That confuses me, too.
When H was shot, his parents kind of freaked out and started talking about funerals even though he wasn't dead. I had to show them a copy of his paperwork showing that he wanted to be burried here and not in TX. They couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to be burried next to his grandpa in TX instead of here where his family is.
They also freaked out that they were no longer listed to recieve any SGLI money. It was a huge eye opener for J.
Our wishes are in writing in both of our wills. It does not change our feelings that for us, we feel it should ultimately be up to the surviving spouse regardless of what our wills, family, military customs, laws etc. may say. While we have not discussed at length, it is definitely in writing. This is a very difficult topic for my husband to discuss as he is still mentally struggling with many issues from his first deployment. We have discussed it prior to every deployment (with counselors assistance and without), but not down to every detail and typically not at any point other than prior to deployments and updating wills etc.
Also, while I'm sure it was mentally a struggle for my friend, there was not a struggle between his wife and his family with the actual plans. Although there were differing views on how his funeral arrangements should be made, everyone respected his wife's opinions and views and did not try to push their views on her. His family did purchase a plot and a headstone and rented a casket , but he was not actually buried there. His wife did not mind that they purchased the plot and now have a headstone. I realize this could have easily been a messy argument, but luckily for everyone involved, there wasn't.
Edit: to include last 2 sentences of first paragraph
I agree with what your saying. In my first post, I probably should have explained that while we don't talk about the details often they are in wills for similar reasons. My family is nuts and overpowering so my wishes are in my will mostly to prevent headaches. Like you said, you never know how people can be in times of crisis.
This is exactly why we have ours written out. H's parents would go with whatever I wanted if for some reason it wasn't whereas my parents are full of crazy and I would end up buried next to my brother when I want to be cremated and placed in a reef.
I have always felt that everyone should have their wills and intentions written down. I watched what happened when my brother passed as he did not have a will. I'm still at odds with family members on how they "divided" his things even though he had spoken to me about it. They did not follow his wishes, they followed their own.
Just a quick question though -- is a WILL really where this information should be? I mean, I think it's a good start. But when my husband died four years ago, it took weeks to get his will through probate, and obviosuly we had to make funeral arrangements before that.
I think it's probably a good start in case there is any question of your intent, but I would recommend some other document stating your wishes as well. Maybe put it in writing and get it notarized, as well as making sure that those closest to you are aware of your wishes?
My husband wanted to be cremated, and he put this in writing to me (okay, more morbidity, he wrote it in his suicide note, but we had also talked about it at length during our marriage). This caused some minor issues with his family because they didn't agree with cremation and wanted him buried, but at least I had it in writing that he wanted to be cremated, and they finally backed down.
He did have a military memorial ceremony where I was presented a flag. We scattered his ashes in a private ceremony after.
Short answer, yes.
Let me tell you, it is much easier to talk about it when both are healthy and happy as a precaution. I sat down and did my Dad's with him and some family while he was at the end of his cancer battle- it was the hardest thing I have done besides watching him take his last breath.
In order to avoid waiting for Probate, you should always keep a certified copy of your wills with all of your other important documents.
I did have a copy. Maybe it's just in Idaho (where he died), but his will still had to go through probate before anything in it could be actioned. So if that's the only place someone's funeral wishes are stated, then it won't get actioned in time for funeral arrangements to be made. Hence the recommendation for keeping this information in another document that doesn't need to go through probate.
H made sure I had a certified copy before he left. Can someone explain what probate is?
I don't think the topic is morbid, either. My mom has her funeral all planned out and she's happy and healthy. We tease her about it a bit when she brings it up, but really, it's good that we know her wishes. You just never know what could happen.
Which brings me to my thread-jacking question. M and I have been meaning to create wills, but now that we have a baby it seems even more important so we'd like to get all of that taken care of soon. I know that you work with legal on base if you're about to deploy, but can we just go there to create wills now? Or is there a better way to do it?
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You can do it whenever and you do it mostly online. (https://aflegalassistance.law.af.mil) Once you fill it out online you will get a ticket number. Take that ticket number and call the base legal office, ours only do Wills on Wes. they will schedule a time to come it, talk it over and get it certified.
At least for the Air Force.
Awesome! Thanks!
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