Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Family feels uncomfortable around cousin
Regardless of how you try to justify your insensitive feelings, I think you are missing the big picture here.
Your ignorance is quite disgusting. There are definitely people out there who probably do agree with you 100%, and they are equally disgusting.
Many children and young adults with emotional issues, mental and physical handicaps are chastised by their own family members, and many are placed into group homes. Sometimes the family completely forgets them and leaves them to live their life alone in a group home which is quite sad.
I have a 30 year old brother in law who is mentally handicapped. He was not born that way. He contracted viral encephalitis from a cat scratch at age 12. He has Epilepsy now. He has uncontrollable seizures. He takes medications, but they do not work for long periods. Most of his seizures are enduced by major changes in mood/emotions.
He is about 6'3" and about 250 lbs. He can be a total sweetie, and very fun but he can also be very violent and rude. He has been violent towards family members and we have had our disagreements. He has even punched walls, and my FIL!
Treat them like an adult, like you would any other person on the street. (heaven forbid, you are a jerk to a stranger) and maybe take a minute to get to know them and invite them in your world more instead of being afraid of him.
They are not always in control of their emotions and/or know the difference.
My advice for you is to educate yourself. Instead of "feeling sorry for your aunt" why don't you figure out a way to educate yourself and how you deal with your own emotions and feelings towards your cousin?
If YOU are uncomfortable, make arrangements to not go. Don't leave him to be isolated just because of your ignorance.
This is a vile post.
My uncle was severely handicapped and born in the 40's. My grand parents were told to institutionalize him and forget about him. They did neither and people thought they were insane.
They never hid him nor pretended he didn't exist. He went to mass (as disruptive as he was), he went to restaurants and he attended every family function from funerals to reunions.
The idea that your family wants to forget he exists and carry on like a "normal" family makes me sick that your idea of "normal" still exists.
Give your aunt a hug for me because she lives with a bunch of narrow minded assholesand she and her son deserve much better. Maybe she should disown all of you and let you wallow in your own brand of specialness.
You all being uncomfortable is lack of educating yourselves and lack of tolerance. Do some research and learn what you can do on your part to understand him...how would you feel if someone shunned you??
I know everyone has already said it a hundred times...but to make a comment that you would give away a baby you do not think is perfect is very selfish and a huge indicator you should not be parents. Things happen..illness happens. If you cant handle it then maybe you should rethink having children, being married....or being social at all.
Go to the family GTG. If you are afraid for your phys safety hire a body guard.
GL. HTH.
I'm troubled by the comment "violent by nature"
they express themselves differently, are we sure that isn't getting misinterpreted as violence....
i wont repeat everything that's already been said.
you said you hope to have a baby by next christmas. great. that's over a year from now. that's plenty of time to find some tact and learn to discuss things in private instead of making the family all discuss this poor guy. he's got issues, surely, you've got biggers ones imo. he can't help his, you can. he gets a pass from me, you dont. if you dont want to be around him then YOU dont go to gatherings and let your grandmother invite who she wants to HER hourse for HER gathering that SHES hosting. again-the tact comes in here.
i wonder what would happen if you really tried to get to know him and embrace his differences rather than pushing him away.....................you'd probably get a lot out of it.
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I guess my biggest concern is the tolerance level. if the tolerance level for a health issue is so small what about personality differences? Kids are all different, unique, and choose their own paths. The OP reminds me of so many of my daughter's friends' parents that disown them or ignore them if they are not "normal". How sad to be so incredibly ignorant to not see past ones own belief in what is right and normal. To the OP I say, grow up, don't have children (with your belief system they will inevitably dissapoint you), and develop some compassion.
As a side note if my parents were of the same mind as your little one, I wouldn't exist either. I have a severe heart condition that affects me every day. Yet I have a fabulous relationship with my mom and appreciate greatly my existence.
Adopt a seagull or something..
Eeek!!! Poor seaguall!! Perhaps a rock?
Poor rock!
How can this have been going on for 20 years, the past 5-6 under severe duress for your aunt and all your family can muster is an appeal to have a holiday without him?
Presumably, you have spent most of your holidays and most of your adult life with your cousin, and you don't even know what to correctly call his disability?
Why has your aunt been left to fend for herself in such a horribe situation? How can everyone ignore her needs and your cousin's needs? Does no one discuss his condition openly and honestly? Your aunt is "sensative", does that mean she shuts down all conversation about him? All help?
Your aunt is in deep denial. You and your family are letting her be in denial. Others have insulted you for your lack of empathy, so I won't bother. I will say that if you want to cut your cousin out of your future holidays, the best way to start is to get your aunt the help she needs for a REAL treatment plan for your cousin. Maybe you'll have to fake it, but show some consern for your aunt, her obvious limitations and break through the denial your whole family is in and help her get your cousin into a program that meets his needs. He qualifies under SSI/SSD and there are many, many good programs. The good ones are hard to get into and the paperwork is brutal, but its all worth it. And much better for your cousin's sake.
This post makes me so sad and sick to my stomach. I have a little girl who will be 2 in January. When she was born she was the picture of health. Beautiful baby with not a thing wrong with her. Around 6 months we noticed she was a little delayed in her milestones. At 9 months she was referred to a neurologist. We went through months of testing. On her first birthday she was diagnosed with infantile spasms, a seizure disorder. If it didn't respond to medication she might never walk or talk. We were one of the lucky ones, she responded to the medication right away and the seizures stopped. But, the damage it did to her brain did not go away. She has now been diagnosed with autism. She has therapists come to the house everyday. Changes in her routine set her off. We have to plan everything around her schedule. But, I love her more than anything in the world. She lights up the room with her smile.
Would you have left her there in the hospital when she was diagnosed with seizures? Asked someone else to take care of her? That is not what a mother does. You need to rethink your decision to have children. Disabilites aren't always present at birth.
The saddest part to me? That this person who obviously can't see the big picture, beyond herself will be able to have a perfectly healthy child without fertility problems, it's just the way it works sometimes. It's the people that would take any baby (happily) that will have trouble TTC...
I know that it's not always but happens so often. SO SO SO sad for this young man.
I was wondering about this as well. It sounds like your Aunt needs help with her son and maybe doesn't know where to go to get the help she needs. It is tough raising a special needs child, especially if you haven't been taught how to work with him. It sounds like she's incredibly overwhelmed.
I have a degree in special ed and my first job was working with mentally challenged adults (a far more PC term than the "r" word). I will agree that many adults with such challenges do not know their own strength and fly into violent rages, as they may be functioning at the level of a toddler.
Here's the thing though, there has to be something that triggers outbursts. Even though he doesn't have the social capacity that an adult male should, it doesn't mean he can't sense when he is not wanted. Some people are emotional eaters so that's what can be going on with him.
I find it absolutely disgusting that you want a "cousin free holiday" because o wah wah we feel so uncomfortable. Like it or not, he's family and on a holiday that is mostly about family, you have to deal. YOU ALL have the mental capacity and the social know how to deal with your feelings. HE does not have the luxury. Shame on you all.
All of the behaviors that you described can be managed and taught. It is a long haul, but you have to be committed and consistent. It once took me 8 months to teach one of my clients to wash his hands properly, but he got it. I was patient with him and didn't make him feel as though he was isolated or a freak of nature.
I feel so sorry for your poor aunt and cousin. She needs all the help and support she can get to make her son feel a legitimate part of your family, as well as teach him some appropriate social skills. It basically sounds as though you don't want to give it.
Bottom line: You need to get over yourselves and let go of your delusions of perfect families and perfect children. They don't exist. Do some research and learn to be more tolerant.
I can't get over that your aunt would even want to come around and bring her son to such a rotten family for the holidays. Family clearly means nothing to you.
My DH has an uncle who sounds near identical to what you described your cousin. He was born in the 50s and the doctors told his mum to institutionalize him. She had to fight tooth and nail to get any sort of government support and education for him growing up. He is bipolar, manic depressive, severely autistic and has a lot of other physical problems because of all the medication cocktails he's prescribed. One thing she's learned over the years is that his violent outbursts occur when he gets overstimulated. And has on a few occasions harmed other people, but mostly he harms himself. His mum is now in her 70s and can't manage him on her own. She found a fantastic group home for him, and visits him as often as she can. She hasn't brought him home for the holidays in many years because he gets too overly stimulated. But his family misses having him there over Christmas. Know why? Because HE IS FAMILY AND IS LOVED.
You need to get over yourself. Between this post and your team-building "I'm not a rabbit" salad post nonsense, you are one entitled drama queen. But you had to learn it somewhere, and it sounds like your family is full of a bunch of insensitive pricks.
I'm kinda thinking you might be a troll.
First off I'm thinking that you have to be a troll, no person could ever be so heartless, selfcentered, AND want to be a mother as you.
I present you with this.
That little boy is beautiful. He is cherished by those that love him. He probably loves EVERYONE more than you can even love yourself. He probably still wets the bed. Sometimes you have to take the "bad" with the good. I hope one day you know how good it feels to have a random child run up to you and give you a hug and smile at you and say "Hello Lady. Bye bye lady" and run back to their mother. You would have probably ran the other way from this Mentally Handicapable person.
Isaac Newton and Ludwig van Beethoven, I'm sure your somewhat familiar with these names. They were both bipolar and had manic episodes and nervous breakdowns. It's amazing what people with "abnormalities" can do.
It sounds like you need to be put up for adoption, you have some severe abnormalities and I'm not entirely sure if these can be fixed.
I think there is a difference between being uncomfortable and being scared. Are you scared he will hit you? Has he been violent at family parties? How has he been violent?
Personally I feel like he is your family and if you can't except him how do you expect the rest of the world to. You and your family are one of the groups of people this person should feel comfortable around and not judged by. What would you do if it were your child? It could be your child? You need to be a little more excepting of the situation.
New story to share. I have a friend that is currently 20w pregnant. At her last ultrasound her doc asked her if she wanted her to check for any "problems". Friend (we will call her Lucy) asked the doctor, problems? like what? And she said "Well, we can see if your child will be mentally retarded or have downs, or things like that, you will have the option to abort if that is the case" Lucy said she was shocked which means she started giggling uncontrollably. Her answer "Hell no. I don't care if my kid comes out with 14 fingers and one leg and has the IQ of a pogo stick. He'll be my pogo stick and we will have an awesome time learning to count to 14 on our fingers."
She didn't like how the doctor handled bringing up the subject and decided to change doctors, she understands that its something that has to be mentioned but could have been done better.
Love your pogo stick!
You have no sense of what family really is OP, I strongly urge you seek medical help remove the "most self involved" stick from your a** before you even think about ttc. It pisses me off that you will likely get your version of a "perfect" child and that there are others out there ttc and can't have a child at all. I can't believe how ridiculous of a person you are, and I honestly have more empathy for your cousin than you will probably ever have.
ETA: yeah I understand not being around when you are pg or have a LO, but seriously your demeanor disgusts me OP.
Douche bags don't fall far from the douche bag family tree do they. I find everything you have said in this thread to be nothing but vile. My DD was 5 months old when she contracted Bacterial Meningitis and nearly died. The meningitis left her almost completely deaf. She wasn't born that way, it just happened, and I would take her being deaf over the alternative. You OP and your family members are sad excuses for human beings.
I have never said this to anyone in my life but you OP do not deserve have children, the children you may have deserve to have a better mother, and extended family then you.
I Love your friend!
I changed Dr's too, because my first Dr was pushing for a ton of blood testing not to determine the health of the baby, but "because we were getting to the point where it would be too late to terminate if something showed up wrong later on." I was so peeved and I wish I had been as eloquent as your friend. Instead I firmly stated we would not terminated no matter what and I promptly changed Dr's.
A Frog, A Monkey and a Ladybug