Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help, problem w/hubby and my parents
DH and I have been married for about 3 months now. Even before we got married he expressed that he had issues with my parents, especially my mom. We'd bought a new house together and she'd given us some supplies (such as towels) to help us out until we were able to buy our own. He told me we'd have to "cut her off" and make her stop doing that. Before we even bought the house, he even seemed worried that my parents would be involved in our decision-making process when I assured him they weren't asking to be at all.
We had my parents and grandmother, FIL and BIL up a couple of days for Thanksgiving. I spoke to mom on the phone the other day and she told me he said some hurtful things to her. She'd given us a few things, mostly things to eat that I can't find in the stores nearby. My mom is very generous and I appreciate that she does this. He'd taken her aside when I wasn't around and told her this has to stop, she has to stop giving us things. He kept calling it "charity." She tried to explain herself and he told her not to lecture him. He said some other hurtful things but she wouldn't tell me what they were. He told her that if I want anything, he'll buy it. But the thing with my hubby is that he'll usually only buy stuff for me if he finds it's practical, or something he can use as well. For example one day we were shopping and I wanted to get a pair of socks. He told me I had enough of them.
I'm currently between jobs (had to give up my job when we moved) and he's the only one employed, so he's obviously in charge of finances. I have a little money set aside to buy things, so there are things I could easily buy myself. But bottom line I think he views my folks (esp. mom) as a threat in some way. As an only child, I've always been close with my parents and I think he resents it. His mom died over 12 years ago and he's not very close with his dad and brother, plus he's been on his own for a while and has his own way of doing things (and does not like interference). He has a little OCD type problem, but I won't get into that. I don't know what to do about this. We don't argue much, but when we do he can say some hurtful things and act condescending, so I try to avoid arguments as much as possible. I've talked to a counselor about some of these things and I think it'd be a good idea for him to go too, but I worry that if I even suggest it to him he'll lash out because his pride will be hurt (he's done such things before).
Any advice? Sorry this is so long...
Re: Help, problem w/hubby and my parents
This isn't a problem with your husband and your parents. This is entirely a problem with your husband.
He doesn't want your family being involved in your life? He wants to be the one to buy you things but only if he approves? He says hurtful things when you fight and you're afraid he'll "lash" out?
Therapy is not just a good idea, therapy is a mandatory for this relationship. He's being controlling by censoring who you can talk to and what you can spend your money on. And yes, that money is both of yours. He's not "obviously"in control of the finanaces because you're out of work (I assume because you quit to move to where he works). You're married. The money belongs to both of you. Also, it sounds like he's emotionally and verbally abusive from what you've written here. You shouldn't be afraid of talking to him because he might lash out at you. A healthy relationship with healthy communication means being able to voice concerns and work through issues.
This kind of blows my mind really. What normal, decent guy would get upset about his wife's mother bringing her something she wants and can't find in the local stores?
I'm stuck on this. Are you giving us realistic examples? A few towels, side dishes, etc? Or are your parents involved in more aspects of your life and relationship? Does your DH have control issues. I feel like this post could go one of two ways, but I need more information to determine which way.
I could kind of see your husband's point of view on the charity thing until he started thumping his chest and insisting that HE will buy things for you and then refusing to buy you a pair of socks. He sounds very controlling- this goes beyond a mere difference in priorities regarding finances and family involvement. I'm very concerned that you're hesitant to even broach the subject of counseling- any decent spouse who genuinely loves you and wants your marriage to work would be willing to go.
You mentioned that you have been to counseling before on your own- are you still in counseling? Does your counselor know all of this is going on? What does s/he think about it?
Yeah, I'm w/ feinicstine on this one.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why is he obviously the one in charge of finances just because he works outside of the home? Is it not your money too?
Do you have friends? Do you see them on a regular basis? I ask because it seems like he is trying to cut you off from your family. I wonder if he has done the same with your friends.
Being controlling like this, keeping you from money, and isolating you from your loved ones are huge reds flags that point to abuse.
This.
Even before we got married he expressed that he had issues with my parents, especially my mom.
And you still married him without addressing that?
I'm currently between jobs (had to give up my job when we moved) and he's the only one employed, so he's obviously in charge of finances.
No, not obvious. Not sure why you think it would be obvious, most married couples view their finances as a joint thing--doesn't matter who earns it. Why would you marry someone that doesn't see and treat you as an equal partner?
We don't argue much, but when we do he can say some hurtful things and act condescending,
And this started the day you married him?
I've talked to a counselor about some of these things and I think it'd be a good idea for him to go too, but I worry that if I even suggest it to him he'll lash out because his pride will be hurt (he's done such things before).
Why would you to spend the rest of your life chained to someone that doesn't respect you and treats you worse than he would a stranger on the street (or does he go about lashing out and being condescending to random people on the street too)? You really want to stay married to a man that values his pride more than his wife?
Ditto. There is all sorts of unhealthy in this, and it sounds like it all comes back to your H.
Honestly, your new "hubby" sounds like he has quite a controlling streak. It seems like there were MANY red flags waving in your face before the wedding, and yet you went ahead and got married to him with some painful issues unresolved. Now you have to do the hard work of sorting these things out (if they can be sorted out) while also adjusting to life as part of a married couple.
There are some things in your situation that are a normal part of adjustment to life as a married couple. But there are some things in your post that strike me as real problems as well.
NORMAL:
--Having short term boundary issues with parents as spouses and parents adjust to the spouses being a new family unit.
--Issues that come up as a result of merging finances. If there's a big difference between the spouses' incomes, this can be even more touchy.
--Communication can also be an issue. Before marriage, adult children may have confided a lot to parents, and this usually changes.
NOT NORMAL:
--A spouse feeling "threatened" and reacting with hostility to offered help from parents.
--One spouse being "in charge of" the finances and making unilateral decisions about the other spouse's spending.
--One spouse circumventing the other and going directly to confront the ILs. How to deal with IL issues should be discussed between spouses and agreed upon before any conversation with the ILs.
--Sweeping untreated disorders like OCD under the rug.
--Intentionally saying hurtful, condescending things to a spouse during a fight. It's okay to disagree vigorously; not okay to insult.
--Not okay to be worried that if you bring something up (like counseling) your spouse will "lash out" at you.
You need to figure out how to deal with the things in the "not normal" category. Perhaps you can find a way to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your new "hubby." Perhaps you would benefit from continuing counseling yourself so that you can determine how to deal with these issues.
Sounds like you married a huge jerk.
I'd be doing some lashing out if my DH went behind my back and insulted my mother when she me got some things I wanted.
Wow... sounds like an awesome person you married there!
Yeah, like others said... this is a husband problem, not a parent problem. Your parents are even a tiny little fraction of the issue.
I agree... he's trying to isolate you. This will not bode well.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I could have written your post when I was 19 years-old. Except the socks were stockings that I needed for a job interview and the move put me on the opposite coast from my family. But we weren't married.
He was a nice guy before the move. Actually he wasn't, but the red flags were small enough to deny.
The abuse started before I'd finished unpacking my suitcase.
Couples counseling would be great, but he won't be willing to go so seek help for yourself. I solved the problem with a stay at the homeless shelter and a plane ticket. Good luck.
he sounds very insecure...is he not used to gifts? If your mom is simply trying to help and be generous there is nothing wrong with her giving you things if she wants to. BUT if they come with stipulations then its a problem...but you never indicated they do.
Have you asked your DH why he thinks they are trying to be a part of your decision making? Or why he feels them buying you or giving you stuff is a problem to him? Like i said, maybe hes just really really insecure...but the fact he talked to your mom without you knowing would bother me.
ALSO, just because you left your job to move and your DH is bringing in the money, does not mean you relinquish any part in financial decisions or matters. You are a family and a team...while everyone handles money differently, it should be joint as far as decisions go. Im not saying you have to gave joint bank accounts...some people dont do that, but they at least have a give and take.
I agree with pp that this could go both ways here. We have all read posts here where one of the spouses doesn't want to detach from their parents' money teat. We have also read posts where the other spouse is a controlling @ss.
Not sure what the story is.
You married a controlling @ss. This type of behavior is very hard to change, even when the person is motivated. I don't think your DH is going to be the motivated-to-change kind of guy, but you definitely need to bring it up. You won't know unless you ask.
If he refuses to go, you have to ask yourself if you think you deserve to be treated this way for the rest of your life because this will only get worse, not better, as time goes on.
Sorry I didn't give much info, I guess I was trying to get it all off my chest and thought the post was a little too long to begin with...
She gave us a few towels and some small kitchen items (mainly things like tongs, a few tumbler glasses). When they came for Thanksgiving, she brought me a tub of buttery spread that I can't find in the stores up here, as well as a brownie pan that I couldn't find anywhere else (long story, but I love to cook). That's pretty much it. DH does have some control issues. Once I had washed and dried a set of sheets. I left it on the counter in the laundry area since it was late and I decided to save it for the next morning. Next thing I know, I see him taking them and setting them down on the living room floor to fold them up and bring them upstairs. Which irked me because the floor in that room isn't exactly clean, but the bigger issue was that he wanted to do it himself and wouldn't let me leave it for the morning. I'm home all day except for running errands - I have plenty of time to do it. He's also a bit OCD - gets crazy about clutter (even if it's not that much...I've got a bit of clutter on my office desk but I'm not a slob) and has to have everything SUPER organized. I mean, even down to separating the plastic bags from the supermarket by store/color. He jokes and says he has a "system."
http://www.kansascity.com/2011/03/24/2748192/dear-abby-know-the-signs-of-an.html
Please look at the above link. In it are signs of someone with an abusive personality. Your post mentioned a few signs already. I have a feeling there are more.
Honestly, I would walk away. Well not just walk but run away. I just don't see this marriage being happy and healthy. I suppose you could try counseling but I have a feeling that if you do go he will be the one to choose the counselor. THe thing is about people with abusive personalities is that they are also master manipulators and can manipulate counselors and before you know it you are the bad guy. Trust me, I have seen it happen.
did you ask him to stop being a jerk to your mom after her phone call? how did you react? if dh ever did anything like that to my mom i'd flip. your mom is being nothing more than generous and helpful it sounds like, and doing something she'd know you appreciate. this issue is entirely n YOU to solve. your Dh is being an as$hole and you need to put your foot down on this. just because HE thinks you only need 'practical' stuff doesn't make him right all the time.
and the socks thing, i would've told him where to put the socks. he sounds like a controlling unrealistic jerk.
how was he before you got married? surely this isn't a new issue.
Sorry I'm a little behind here - I tried to subscribe to the topic so I could get notices but my browser is not cooperating...
I actually started going to counseling because I had some anxiety issues after returning from the honeymoon. Most of it involved being sick (doctor thinks I caught a bug while we were away) and being all alone during the day in the house. I also needed help adjusting to a new area (we moved 2 hrs away from where I used to live w/my parents). Long story short, I started getting counseling a little over 2 months ago. Was going on a weekly basis, then bi-weekly and now I'm basically going "as needed." I've addressed these concerns with my counselor and he said it sounds like DH has some anxiety that comes with the OCD, is somewhat narcissistic, and maybe a bit controlling. He said he needs to loosen up and I need to talk to him. I've talked to him before regarding his feelings about my parents. I tried to make him understand how close we are and how I appreciate what they do, but I won't let them intrude on anything that's important to us (i.e. we won't have to go down to see them multiple times a month so we can have our own time). The fact that he didn't say anything about Thanksgiving or anything my mom gave us made me think it wasn't a problem. But it bothers me that he had to go behind my back and upset my mom. She did tell me that he said "Oh I guess I hurt your feelings" at the end and then rubbed her shoulder. He'd also told her not to tell me about this.
I have to bring up that we just received a delivery today from my parents - a small Christmas gift from one of those catalogs with the meat/cheeses/etc. I'm already thinking that he won't be happy about it, will think it was my mom's idea, etc. But I'm going to grow a spine and tell him that it's not a big deal - it's a gift and I don't see a problem with them giving us a gif.
His excuse is that he has experience with this and he pretty much works in finance. I did get him to agree to setting up a joint account for us, as well as my own checking account (we both got involved in this).
That's one of my problems - I'm so new to the area and where we live is especially isolated (mountains of upstate NY) so we really don't have any neighbors and it's hard to meet people. I've been trying to involve myself in some things outside the home (going to church, some activities), but it was put on hold because I was sick for a while. I have an old friend who lives about 45 min away, but her work schedule only allows us to get together on some weekends. I was concerned that he was trying to isolate me from my family. I told him and he insisted he wasn't going to do that, he just didn't want to see them constantly.
You really need to get yourself some more counseling ASAP. Your H is an ahole and you have allowed him to become a bigger and bigger one by not growing a spine and using it.
You are allowing him to disrespect you and your family. You are allowing him to manipulate you. You are allowing this man to control your life totally. He already has you isolated, he controls all the money, AND he is allowed to tell your parents what they can and can not buy you.
I know you dont see the bigger picture here, but you'd better wake up and take a good look around. If i were your parents id be doing a lot more than sending you cheese!
And you still married him without addressing that?
We did address this a few times before we got married and I thought I'd made him understand. I told him how close my family was and I hoped that wouldn't be an issue. He insisted it wasn't, but I guess it's more of an issue than he'd led me to believe.
I'm currently between jobs (had to give up my job when we moved) and he's the only one employed, so he's obviously in charge of finances.
No, not obvious. Not sure why you think it would be obvious, most married couples view their finances as a joint thing--doesn't matter who earns it. Why would you marry someone that doesn't see and treat you as an equal partner?
Like I told an earlier poster, it seems that way from how he manages it - his excuse is that he has experience in this sort of thing (being on his own for so long, working in finance). He'd go on about what plans we should have. We talked about money before we even got married. I'd also convinced him that we open up a joint account and that I get my own checking account. I went with him when we set those up. As for treating me like an equal partner, I even told him that sometimes it seems like I'm not his equal and that we're in this together. We've talked about the issues related to that and I thought we'd resolved them.
We don't argue much, but when we do he can say some hurtful things and act condescending,
And this started the day you married him?
No, although we had an argument when we were buying our first house before the wedding. Again I thought we'd resolved this and he'd apologized to me for hurting me.
I've talked to a counselor about some of these things and I think it'd be a good idea for him to go too, but I worry that if I even suggest it to him he'll lash out because his pride will be hurt (he's done such things before).
Why would you to spend the rest of your life chained to someone that doesn't respect you and treats you worse than he would a stranger on the street (or does he go about lashing out and being condescending to random people on the street too)? You really want to stay married to a man that values his pride more than his wife?
Generally speaking, no, if it got to such a huge extent. I didn't think it was a big issue as it was a pretty infrequent occurrence and we'd always come to a resolution. But I think saying hurtful things to my mom without me even knowing about it shows me that it's still an ongoing issue and needs to be nipped in the bud. I really want to make this work because aside from all this I do love him a lot - he makes me laugh, he comforts me when I'm upset about something, we have quite a few things in common... But I'm not sure where to start. I wonder if we should try marriage counseling.
I was unemployed for the first 6 months of my marriage because I moved to be with H. I was just as involved in our finances as my H was. He does pay the bills for us but we make all important decisions together and I have access to all our financial information.
OMG! He said you didn't need a pair of socks so you didn't get any?! Seriously?
Him insulting your mom is a huge red flag! I hope you can see that.
Get thee to counseling asap! Hopefully he'll go with you or that would lead me to believe (if I were you), that he doesn't value your marriage.
marriage counseling or get out, if he refuses counseling you have the answer right there, he is not committed to a loving, equal relationship.
your therapist told you he has narcissistic and controlling tendencies, that right there is enough for me to walk away unless he acknowledges this and tries to get help, but it is very hard to change those habits/personality traits.
i think you are in an abusive relationship and it is going to get worse, but you sound smart, so take the advice you've gotten here and get some more professional help. Like I said, if he won't go to therapy and won't admit to his problems/shortcomings, that is not a marriage to stick with.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I want to thank you all for your advice. I agree, I think he is trying to isolate me somewhat and he does have a controlling streak. I should probably admit that he was married before he met me. He was married about a year and then his ex left him... He met me about 6 months later. I asked him what happened and all he said was that she'd gone on a trip with her girlfriends, then after she came back she basically told him she was no longer in love with him and met someone else and just left. I've often wondered if there was any more to the story.
I am going to continue to see my counselor because this incident is upsetting me. Like I said, we've gotten into some petty arguments but I always thought we'd resolved them. This latest incident with my mom is the last straw.
Thanks also to whomever suggested I find a part-time job. I am going to start looking around so I can get out of the house and have some of my own money coming in.
I should probably add that whenever he does things like this, he tries to hide it with humor. The socks thing, he tried to make it seem like he was joking but I could tell he wasn't underneath that.