Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Help, problem w/hubby and my parents
I'm going to assume that you are looking for a job. If not, you need to start. Get a job, any job, while you continue to look for the perfect one. You need to meet people and you need an open pathway to financial independence.
Tell your husband that you will handle all communication with your family. Of course he is going to deny trying to isolate you from your family. That means nothing to me. It's fine if he doesn't want to see them constantly, but that doesn't mean that you can't see them unless you are neglecting other obligations to do so. He doesn't have to go with you every time you see your family.
The OCD thing regarding clutter is just something that the two of you are going to have to work out. That's not really raising any flags like the rest of your complaints are.
Do you have all the passwords to your accounts? Do you check them out regularly? Where does the money in your checking acct come from? Who decided how much would go in there every month?
No good will come of a relationship where one person is controlling. It will only get worse and worse, no matter what he says. It's also possible to have some good times with someone like that - that is how these type of men get women to stay in the relationships.
Marriage is not supposed to be like what you are experiencing. I have three suggestions for you:
1) Continue getting help for yourself.
2) Ask your DH to go to counseling with you. If he won't or explodes at the suggestion, see #3. If he goes, observe his actions and if he truly changes those--not if he says he will or if he claims to understand the issues--actual behavior. If he doesn't follow through and doesn't begin treating you better than he would a stranger on the street, see #3.
3) Move on and up. Learn to be a strong, independent adult. Learn who you want to be and become that person. Be happy with yourself. Learn to like being single. Then, when you find someone you feel you could live without but don't want to and who loves you for the strong independent you have become, then and only then, consider getting married again.
Yep, I am starting to look for a job. I'd planned to after we got back from the honeymoon, but I was bogged down with health issues and wanted to wait until I was better before starting. But I'm going to get serious about it now. At least a part-time job to get my foot in the door.
I do have the passwords to my accounts, I and I alone have those and I haven't shared them with him. I'm on top of them and I started the checking acct with some of the funds I had saved. He did give me free reign on what to do with them. The only thing that really bugged me was that he wanted us to keep all our accounts in one place. It's a local bank, but I did some research and think we (or at least myself) could get a better rate at a credit union. I honestly don't see a problem with having money in more than one place - so many people I know do that.
Oh no he didn't...see #3 in my post above.
I meant all the accts, including your shared accts.
This is giving me the impression that you are only allowed to spend what was yours before you came into the marriage. What happens when that is gone and you haven't found a job yet?
You don't really share any money at all, do you? If that's the case, he has no right to tell you where you can and cannot keep your money and how you can spend it. If things are shared, then it's up for discussion. You still get a vote, though. He doesn't get to decide anything on his own.
How do you divide up your expenses?
Oh no he didn't...see #3 in my post above.
I'd be very concerned about a keylogger.
2) DO NOT procreate with this controlling asshat of a person. Seriously, it will only cause heartache and pain.
If some of the details of this story were a little different I would swear you are my SIL. The only difference is she has children with her controlling asshat. Her controlling jerk had a very similar childhood as your H, but that doesnt give them excuse to act in such a controlling manner. He needs to seek help for his issues. Continue your therapy. If he refuses to get help for his issues, pack your ish and leave. Actually skip packing, you have a loving family who will help you get back on your feet. Good luck and open your eyes.
I'd be listening to this really closely if I were you .....
Such as? Could you elaborate on that? I'm not playing dumb and I'm not trying to start anything... your post just came off as pretty blunt and abrasive, and being hormonal right now I'm more sensitive than usual
I see this cut and dry.
It won't change, he won't change. He has a prior marriage that ended on terms that sound suspicious.
Do not waste your time here. It sounds like you have very supportive parents, lean on them pack a bag and ask to stay with them. Get out. There is a time to stay and fight for a relationship and a time to go you are at GO.
I would hate for you to get deeper into this and watch your support system dwindle away because of his devious ways with your family.
There are flags here that cannot be ignored.
Be safe and good luck *hugs*
Thanks for the advice, copzgirl. *hugs* My parents have been very supportive of me through this whole thing.
I want to thank the rest of you as well... I'm sorry I probably won't be coming here much over the next few days. I'm a little hormonal and my emotions are running higher than usual (not that this situation hasn't helped). I'm pretty sensitive as it is, so I don't want to create any problems if I feel I have to reply to a comment that might come off to me as less than tactful. I hope you guys understand and I thank you again for your advice, it does help.
That said, therapy for you, STAT, and couples therapy for both of you.
GL!!
Please don't pass this off as a hormonal thing (I am not going to discredit your feelings on it) because making excuses is unhealthy for you.
I have a 26 year old son and a 17 year old daughter and I would offer this same advice to them, so please know that I am sure your support system wants the same for you.
Please don't stay. If you feel the relationship is worth saving it can be done with you removed from the situation at this point. There is too much that has a "tip of the iceberg" feel to your post.
Again stay safe and feel free to PM me if you like.
She's usually a little abrasive. That tone works for some people, and not for others, so if it's not working for you - brush it off and consider the advice that is.
I don't have much advice to offer that hasn't already been said, but good luck to you. Take care of yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, and lean on the people you can trust for support.
I hope you're still checking these replies. I think what the person said about you being in denial may have come off as harsh because there was no example or context to it. What I took from it was that you say you have access to the money, but in reality you only have access to a checking account that YOU put your own money into.
In a marriage, everything should become shared. Every couple works out the money stuff differently, but they should both know what's going into and out of accounts, have access to everything and make joint decisions. I'll can give you my example, if it will help:
We have a joint account that both our paychecks go into. Our mortgage and bills come out of this account. We agreed on a bi-weekly amount that we would each transfer to our separate accounts. (This amount is the same for both of us, even though I earn more.) The money that's in our separate accounts we can do whatever we want with. Save it up for something big, spend it on a bunch of little things, whatever. It's our own money.
All big purchases come out of our joint account, and we have to have agreement on if it's worth it, if we can afford it etc.
The point is, we both agreed on this system, we both have access to all the accounts, and we both have shared responsibilities AND money we can do whatever we want with.
Your husband should be willing to open up all accounts to you and involve you in how money is spent. You should also have your own funds that are yours to do whatever you want with. (Because I'm sure he does, right?)
None of this is being said to be harsh, just so you know, I just wanted to give you an example of what having fair finances should look like. You're equal partners and should have equal spending money.
I hope you sort this all out. It seems like your husband can't stand having anything come into or go out of the house without his say-so, and that's just not the way the world works. If he has OCD issues, that means he needs to get help, not that everyone else needs to change to fall in line with his "system".
Best of luck to you, and please take care of yourself.
Oh, and here is your apron.
Ha ha - agreed! He's not her daddy, he's not there to "take care" of her, he's there as an equal partner. And is it really overstepping boundaries if someone other than your husband buys you something? I don't understand that.
Your H is a complete douche. You need to kick him in the balls.
And then get some therapy.
Let me first say, despite any problems or red flags, you two obviously love each other if you married each other, and nobody is perfect. Yes, there are some potentially (or already) very serious problems, but I don't think anyone has a right to call your husband names or make gross generalizations about him based on a few paragraphs.
1) The money is both of yours now, it doesn't matter who is making it. That was hard for me to get my head around when I first got married; I felt bad using "his" money for "my" things. No, while he is supporting the family financially, I'm sure you are supporting the family in a multitude of other ways (emotional support, cooking, cleaning, etc.). And even if you were disabled and unable to lift a finger, the money would still be as much yours as it is his. Because you are married now. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. One unit, not two.
2) My husband also had some boundaries issues with my parents, but it stemmed from my own inability to establish boundaries. I realized that problems between me and my parents were leaking into my marriage, and by establishing boundaries with my parents, it actually strengthened my relationship with my husband.
3) I didn't anticipate how deeply my husband would take to heart the whole "provider" role when we got married. I don't think he did either. But he took on such a weight of responsibility...perhaps your husband is struggling not so much with towels and brownie pans, but with his own inability to provide for you the things you want? Yes he does sound inflexible and controlling, but some of the best advice I learned in my marriage class was "explain your partner's actions in the best possible terms." This does not mean excusing abuse, because his actions do sound belittling and condescending (both toward you and toward your mother). But try to have compassion about where this misbehavior might be coming from. And keep seeing your counselor
4) You NEED to communicate with him. If you are afraid of him lashing out, that is a problem. He sounds very insecure, but that does not excuse his misbehavior and he needs to trust you and be vulnerable to you, his wife. But communication is SO important. Don't withhold things from him just to keep the peace (concern over your safety is a different issue, I'm not talking about that). In marriage there will be conflict, but there should not be fear. No fear in love.
This. I'd be concerned.
It sounds like he has some insecurities and needs to feel in control of more than normal.
I agree with PPs about the money control. I am employed but my hubby makes a substantially higher income than I do. He is DEFINITELY not "in control" of all our finances and he will admit that. He pays the major bills but never makes a large purchase without discussing it as a couple because he respects that I have a say in where the money goes as well. We are blessed to be able to afford to live in a nice area but it is expensive and I come up short on personal daily expenses sometimes. Asking H to purchase something for me or for us has never been an issue. Sometimes he gives me the eyebrow raise when I ask for something frivolous but 9 out of 10 times he will make the purchase. I couldn't imagine H saying no to a pair of socks for me. That's so condescending that your H thinks he is a better judge of what YOU do or do not need.
This is obviously making you really upset and it sounds like you are stepping on egg shells around him and that's just no way to exist in a marriage. If he refuses to be counseled with you or to confront the issues than you may need to evaluate how healthy this marriage will be in the long run.
I don't know how much of what anyone here says you will actually put stock into but I am going to tell you something that I think needs to be said bluntly.
GET OUT.
Get out before you have kids because ( I am just guessing) that you are someone who will want to stay in a bad situation thinking that your children need a father figure. I wish I could go back in time and give my best friend this advice.
He sounds very emotionally abusive and I would bet one of my husbands testicles that his ex-wife went on a trip with her friends and they made her realize just how controlling and emotionally abusive he is. I have been with my husband since I was 15 and while I know not everyone has the same kind of relationship as me... I also know that anyone who thinks they can speak on your behalf and say things to belittle you does NOT value you. They do not see you as their equal in your relationship or as a human being.
He might not have started to physically hurt you but I wouldn't wait for it to get that far. Don't let him placate you. Abusive men typically try and make you feel guilty. "Don't YOU know how much I love you?" "YOU know I didn't mean to hurt you" "I'm sorry I said those things YOU just made me so mad." They will subtly make it your fault.
Also, he only said "she went on a trip with friends" hope he didn't throw her overboard off a cruise ship. It doesn't sound like you knew each other as well as you thought before you got married. It sounds like he has been hiding things.
You should tell your mom that you want to know every last word of what he said to her.