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How do you, or do you, support this person?
I have a family member who is morbidly overweight. He does not have any underlying diseases that have caused any of his problems, as those have been checked for many times. He has never exercised and won't. While he's been told thousands of times to exercise, lose weight, and eat healthier, he just won't. His doctors have talked to him time and time again how he could greatly improve his quality of life and reduce his medical problems and medications if he just made an effort, but he won't. He just says, "Yeah, I know." We've tried everything from offering to help shop for good food, offering to exercise together, you name it, but he doesn't want it. Due to all of this, he has knee problems, back problems, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, IBS, and all kinds of health issues. Keep in mind we have never been mean or cruel to him about any of this and the issue is only discussed when he brings up his problems. He just won't to make the effort. We've even been to doctors with him and the doctors have told him repeatedly that he has to lose weight and could avoid many of his problems if he did, but he doesn't. He is taking so many medications that the side effects are causing other problems. It's a constant balance of trying to figure out which one could have an interaction with the other and which one is causing the current problems. Even doctors say that he is taking a lot of meds. Some have told us that he tends to seek meds rather than make any lifestyle changes and that they are concerned about his pill seeking behavior. He always wants the magic pill that will make his health problems go away while he can continue with his lifestyle..
He is taking very high doses of pain killers for the pain in his back and now wants surgery. The doctors say that losing weight and exercising would greatly reduce the pain but he'd rather just have the surgery instead. (He's had other surgeries that could have been avoided as well.) We want to support him, but on the other hand, we get tired of supporting someone who is doing this to himself. We wonder if supporting him through the surgery is enabling him to keep up with this lifestyle, because if we don't help him out, he won't be able to have the surgery because there will be nobody to drive him and take care of him afterwards. We love him and want what's best for him, but are at the point where we're wondering what really is best for him.
We do a lot to help him, but are now thinking we are enabling him. We've done everything possible to help but it isn't doing any good. I've even accepted that one day he will probably die due to an overdose of pain meds, or an interaction, even though they are taken as prescribed by a doctor.
What would you do regarding the back surgery that he wants? How would you support and love this person?
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Re: How do you, or do you, support this person?
Well, being emotionally uninvolved - my take is to not help him w/ the surgery. It's not a necessary surgery. He has other options in order to help the pain - he just wants to take what he sees as the "easy way out".
If you dont' want to support that, you don't have to. You can still love him and support him as a person, but you can also say "you have other options and we can no longer help you if this is the choice you're going to make". You dont' have to support this specific event.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That just hit the nail on the head. The easy way out for him is always work for somebody else in the family.
Shut up about his weight and what you think he ought to do about it. help him, or not, if you want, after his back surgery.
would you help someone after they had lung cancer surgery, if they were smokers? Probably you would; they're ill, they need help. Do they know smoking causes cancer? Sure they do. Should they have quit? Sure. Got lung cancer; OOOPS. You still help, and keep your mouth shut about how all this could have been avoided, because they already know.
The differene here is that it's too late to do anything about lung cancer. But it's not too late for this guy to do something to make huge, positive changes in his life and prevent further damage in his health. And possibly not even need the back surgery.
The thing is though that you have no control over this person. Sure it may not be too late, but he has to want to help himself and until he wants it, there's not anything you can do to push him to take care of himself. The more you push, the more resistence you are going to get. Leave it alone, stop enabling him and stop trying to help. The best thing you can do is lead your healthy lifestyle as an example and that's it. It's hard to face the fact that you don't have control or can't fix this for him, but that's the reality. This is his problem to fix - not yours.
I agree with the PP.
Unfortunately, until he wants to help himself to do the right thing for his health and future, there is nothing you will be able to do about it.
I also have a family member with medical issues that could very much be reduced/prevent future problems with better eating issues, some exercise of some sort. It's VERY frustrating.
Smoking is an addiction - its not just a choice. Yes these people know and they do not care or in my case, they know - they do care- but they just can't stop. Every time something emotional happens they reach for the cigarette to calm down, which turns back into chain smoking. I personally do not smoke but every one of my family members does.
This guy does not have an addiction to junk food. He wants it and he does not care or does not want to try harder. I"m with ECB - the buck stops here. However; I partially disagree that the buck should stop at the back surgery. If this guy has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want your help then you should stop offering - for exercise, seeing the doctor, and after the surgery. It sucks - its tough love - but why should you continue to be subject to being his nurse maid when this is 100% avoidable? If he wants to be left alone before the surgery then he can be left alone after the surgery. I have another brother who thinks he's so damn independent and doesn't need anyone's help - ever - until something happens and then he's running back home.
Say what? It absolutely sounds like to me that he has a food addiction.
A "food" addiction? Is that really even an addiction or is something made up so people have an excuse? I honestly do not know if this is true but I personally feel that people (and maybe doctors even) are coming up with these "labels" to take the blame off the individual. You don't want to exercise? You don't want to EAT your carrots and green beans? Must be a food addiction???? Its akin to all children having ADHD when really - they are just kids acting like kids.
While obesity in itself can be a triggering cause of Sleep Apnea, that in itself can greatly increase a person's risk to become obese. Think about it-- how much motivation do you have when you've been woken up every hour, every night? For someone with untreated sleep apnea, they can be stirred from REM sleep 20-40 times PER HOUR. Think too of the actual oxygen deprivation to the brain--people can be killing their brains nightly without knowing it, and the only symptom is obesity, difficulty caring for themselves, and daytime sleepiness.
Please encourage your family member to call his doctor about getting put onto therapy for his apnea.
People who eat away their emotional problems instead of dealing with them in a healthy obviously have an issue with food. Just like some people use alcohol or drugs to "make their problems go away." Just because everyone eats food, doesn't mean that everyone has a healthy attitude about it. Food = comfort for people who don't know how to deal with difficult feelings. How is someone that overeats food any different than someone who uses drugs or alcohol to escape their issues to you?
Why on earth would a person choose this lifestyle if they had a healthy way of thinking about themselves?
He wears a CPAP for sleep apnea.
We do NOT push thiis person or nag at this person about his weight or health. It only comes up when he asks us to go with him to a doctor visit, help him figure out his new meds, drive him for a procedure, etc. The doctor always brings it up first and then we discuss it. Other than that, it doesn't come up.
I agree nobody is going to change him. He has to do it himself. We can't control or fix him. The issue is how it affects the rest of the family. Do we keep driving him to specialists and surgeons to discuss procedures that only being done because of his weight and inactivity? Do we say, "You are making your own choices, so you're totally on your own."? Or "If we're involved in your health care because of your weight, then we have the right to get involved in you controlling your weight."?
Exactly. And that's what is frustrating all of us.
And we've been told this as well. He goes for the quick fix and doesn't worry about the future.
I 100% agree. I've struggled with some extra weight for most of my adult life. I know how hard it is, but I always do my best to make the healthy choices and maintain an active life. It's not fun or easy, but it can be done.
I know we can't change him, but we're at the point where we're trying to figure out how much help we should continue to give.
We honestly think he will die from an accidental pill overdose/interaction or during a surgical procedure that could have been unnecessary. He is killing himself.
What's going to happen once he has this surgery? Is he going to do all of the physical therapy needed to get his body back in shape? Or is he just going to lie there while you change his diapers and your H gives him sponge baths? Because my thought is that following surgery like he is going to have, he's going to HAVE TO work if he wants to regain strength and muscle tone, or his recovery will take a lot longer.
I think, independent of what this relative wants and what you think of his lifestyle, you need to decide what you and your H are willing to help with. Maybe you can agree to drive him to and from the hospital, but will not allow him to stay with you while he is on "bed rest." He'll have to hire a day nurse for that (or seek another alternative). He may qualify to go to a rehab center if you will not be there to assist him. Since this isn't life-or-death surgery, I would not feel obligated to help him out. Only help if you can do it without judging and without feeling resentful that he brought this all on himself. If you can't - direct him elsewhere. You say you've helped him in the past, but you don't have to be the one that he constantly turns to, especially for something that is not urgent.
He will do the rehab directly after the surgery, and will take tons of painkillers (probably more than necessary), and as soon as the rehab is over, he'll go right back to his old way of life. He's done that after every surgery or procedure he's had.
I am not 100% knowledgeable in this area but I do not personally think that eating the right food would cause a person's body to gain grotesque weight . Lean Cuisine - green beans, vegetable steamers. You can still eat healthy and have this food addiction. But pizza, doritos, french fries, mcdonalds - greasy hamburgers every night - sugary things.... Just because it's a food addiction doesnt' mean you have to choose these types of foods, right? I have recently drastically reduced my sugar intake alone because my mom has been diagnosed Diabetic - and in doing just that I've lost almost 10 lbs without exercising. Its been over the last few months - not a drastic drop but a drop nonetheless.
I get what you're saying about the alcohol though - I know quite a handful of people who drink their problems away. - and I have no idea how or why they think like they do.
But is it a personal "I hate myself" attitude he has or does he not care about what other people think? I intimately know someone that does what he wants when he wants and he doesn't give a damm about what you think or how it will affect him - he wants it and that's the end of it. (I call that "I'm the King of this castle syndrome lol).
When you eat, your body releases endorphins and 'happy hormones'. Chocolate often releases more than say, broccoli (depending on the person). So yes, food addictions are possible - and often associated with junk food.
However, I do agree that doctors continue to diagnose just about anything these days.
It is a combination of horrible eating habits and total inactivity. He sits all day long. He eats NO fruits or vegetables. He drinks coffee and soft drinks. He eats cereal, chips, snack bars, cookies, pizza, ice cream, and junk all day long. He never eats any kind of lean meats or fish. There is not a single healthy food in his house. He never gets any exercise and even drives a block to the community mailbox. He just doesn't want to put forth the effort to change. He assumes when it gets bad enough, he'll get a new medication or procedure done to fix it. (And assumes, I guess, that a family member will be there afterwards to help.)
Well aside from our conversations about what a food addiction is -
I say stop helping him. You yourself do not deserve to have this on your shoulders. He can find someone else to lean on. It's one thing to have this addiction and a completely different thing to be so damn lazy that you seek out pills or procedures to fix any problems.
.... no meat? ... no veggies? ...no fruit? .... but they are soooo good. This makes NO sense.
I totally agree.
-- and kcgrl, I know someone who doesn't like the taste/texture of fruits/vegetables which is really hard to believe since there are so many different ones... I think it's weird but whatever. I LOVE fruits and veggies.
I remember as a kid "having" to eat fish sticks. Hated them. To this day, I still dislike most seafoods (although not all- I have opened up a little, even including a specific sushi roll!). I'm sure a part of it was being forced to eat nasty fish sticks.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not close enough to ask her but I sorta doubt it.. only because her immediate family is all overweight and healthy eating never was really encouraged whenever I was there. They didn't pig out all the time either, though. So I don't want to judge.
i think he does have an underlying issue here-lazyness.
until he gets over that he'll keep on doing what he's doing.
i agree about stop helping him. do nothing to encourage his habit. nothing.
Speaking as someone who was once (not long ago) morbidly obese, the weight is a symptom, not the disease. He is depressed. He is using his fat as a shield. It's really common in those who are as big as he is. Or as I was. My therapist told me something that sticks with me every time I make a food choice. No one gets that big because they are hungry. They get that big because they are hiding. I am now, less than a year later, considered "overweight" instead of obese. I couldn't be more proud of myself.I lost a third of my body weight with diet changes. It just took me 30 years to figure out what my issues were.
My advice? You have to stop enabling him. Is there anyway to insist he see a therapist? He has to deal with WHY he is eating, not what he is eating. He knows he's fat, and he is using the surgeries the same way he is using the food. It's a crutch.
And food is a recognized addiction. Its an eating disorder, no different from anorexia and bulimia. Anorexics, those women should just stop being stupid and eat, right? Just like someone who is morbidly obese should stop being stupid and make better food choices? If it were only that easy. I still struggle with food choices. Because when I get sad/happy/angry/bored my first gut reaction is to reach for food. But like all addicts, I am getting help and am aware of my choices. It just took a LONG time to get here.