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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: How do you, or do you, support this person?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sidenote: I have minor dyslexia ... up until now I thought the OPs name was MaryJane and I thought of weed and maybe their family member smoked too and then just had the munchies all the time. I'm glad I realized the name was MarynJoe.
I put the sexy is dyslexia. ;-)
Congratulations! And I agree with you 100%
OP - I would inform your family member that you love him, but can no longer sit by and watch him slowly kill himself whilst not getting any help. Tell him that you'd be more than happy to take him to a counselor to figure out why he uses food, medications and surgery to avoid the bigger issues that are going on with him. Tell him that you want him to get better, not just 'feel' better (which is what the pills & surgery are doing), but let him know that until he's ready to take those steps, you, or anyone else in your family, will no longer assist him with his 'easy fix'.
Good luck! I hope he gets the help he needs and that he realizes just how supportive you actually are.
My childhood "gross" forced food was canned peaches. My brother & I went to a strict, Catholic daycare and they would force me to eat them. I still cringe when I think about the smell & slimy texture, ugh. But, I LOVE the smell of peaches and peach-flavored things & still love other fruits and absolutely LOVE vegetables & eat green w/every meal!
OP, you & your family need to detatch yourself from this man & remove him & his problems from your life. Call it an intervention. If he was heavy on drugs and killing himself, you wouldn't aid him in any way such as driving him back & forth to his dealer, so this is similar. He is slowly killing himself. Professionals have told him so.
Be blunt - honesty is the best policy here. Say, "You are killing yourself each day as you continue this unhealthy lifestyle. We, as your family love you very much & will not watch that happen. We will drive you to the gym, go on walks with you, take you to the grocery store, etc - anything that aids in your recovery/new, healthy way of living, BUT, we are not enabling anything that continues to nurse your current lifestyle." Say this, mean it, stick to it. No post-op care, no acceptions.
Don't help him if you don't want to. Don't bring him donuts and candybars while he's recovering from surgery. But to simply label him as lazy and that's that shows that you know very little about human behavior and have obviously never battled with weight yourself. Of course he's going to take the "easy way" - have you stopped to think about how hard it would be to lose 50+ pounds? Lots of effort over a long period of time. Some people, like AnnPlus1, can do it; but it's not like he just needs to do the Special K diet for a week to lose a few pounds, he's looking at a total lifestyle change and that's scary shiit to most people. He knows he's fat and he hears what the doctors are saying, but his "choice" almost certainly has more to do with being afraid of the hard work and failure than it does him just not caring.
Again, don't help if you don't want to, but how is he going to exercise and get healthy if his back is in constant pain? If he doesn't have the surgery, he'll probably become even more sedentary and eat more out of depression.
I do know how hard it is to lose weight, as I have done it. It takes a lifestyle change, a committment to a new life. He has done it before but just doesn't want to do it again.
None of us ever bring him any kind of junk food or unhealthy food ever. He goes to the store and buys it himself or has it delivered. When I go over, I see it. Chips, cookies, junk. It makes me sad. Funny thing, but I do think he would eat healthy if someone cooked each meal for him and prepared the snacks for him and he didn't have to put any effort into it.
He is not in constant pain.
He can exercise and has been cleared and encouraged by doctors to do so, including his cardiologist who looked him in the face and said, "Exercise!! You must exercise! Exercise!!!" Other doctors have said the same. He can do it and it doesn't cause pain as long as he does it slowly and works his way up (which is what he would need to do anyway). What's odd is that he wishes he could play with the kids in the family, wishes he get get on the floor with them, run outside with them, and do other things. But it's not enough to make him make a change.
p.s. No, I don't smoke weed and neither do my family members. LOL
How old is he? And are you and your DH the only ones who help him out?
I think the best thing you can do for him is to say no to helping him from now on. He's taking the "easy" way out (if there is such a thing in this situation), but his easy way out is the hard way for everyone around him. He doesn't want to put in the work, but that causes extra work for you guys. If he wants to live his life in way that is sure to kill him, that's his business, but he's making it your business by needing assistance that he wouldn't otherwise need.
It's time for you to take a stand and stop enabling him. It will be hard. It's hard because you love him and don't want to hurt him, but maybe if he doesn't have the easy option he'll be forced to either do it the hard way or be in pain.
Also, does he work? Can he afford this surgery? It strikes me as odd that he's so willing to get a surgical procedure that presumably costs thousands of dollars. Does he have that much disposable income?
Yes, people can be addicted to food, just like some drinkers get addicted to alcohol. Not everybody who drinks is an alcohol addict. Hey, some people still say there is no such thing - just quit. Will power. Just say no. Poof.
Salt, sugar and fats in foods can be highly addictive. High levels of all of them actually trigger the body to over eat. It triggers serotonin production and withdrawl when restricted. That's why this guy is STILL over eating in the face of multiple health adversities. Doesn't that sound like addictive behavior to you?
As to the poster - what exactly are YOU being asked to do? He can still have the surgery without your support, it will just cost him more money to hire and arrange for care. It might be expensive, but it okay to let him factor that expense into his decision.
What's your relationship? Is this a sibling? Or parent?
1) Losing weight is different for everyone, but I agree with you. I know someone (300lbs?) who said she tried dieting, and it worked, but she wasn't happy so she ate what she wanted and now doesn't care how she looks because she's happy.
2) That's heartbreaking, IMO. When my back gave out when I was 16 I cried because I feared I would never be able to run around with my children or give them piggy-back-rides (and I was single/not pregnant when thinking this)
3) I'm glad ;-)
1) Losing weight is different for everyone, but I agree with you. I know someone (300lbs?) who said she tried dieting, and it worked, but she wasn't happy so she ate what she wanted and now doesn't care how she looks because she's happy.
2) That's heartbreaking, IMO. When my back gave out when I was 16 I cried because I feared I would never be able to run around with my children or give them piggy-back-rides (and I was single/not pregnant when thinking this)
3) I'm glad ;-)
Thank you all for the congrats, loosing the weight, and NOT going back into old habits is something I work/worked very hard on.
MarynJoe, take the word food out of all of this. The food is a symptom. It can easily be replaced with a different addiction. Heroin addiction is treated by finding the cause of the using, not by removing the actual drug.
The best thing you can do for him is to sit down, calmly, and tell him you are done skirting around the elephant in the room. That you are no longer going to help him with his surgeries, nor sit by and watch his depression remove him from the things he loves, like playing with the children. That you will love him no matter what size he is, period. That you are concerned by how he is using his weight to hide. Then tell him you will do whatever you can to help him find a therapist. And that you are there for him when he is ready to start the next chapter of his life, his full life.
And mean it. Totally back out of his life. This is a true intervention, and you might look into an interventionist. My doctor was mine, and the obvious failure in many other aspects of my life. Because food, again, is the symptom. There are others. Withdrawal from social settings, lying about "doing" the addiction, anger, defensiveness, etc. Again, it's no different than heroin.
He won't like this conversation. But you could help save him. Not talking about it is the same as buying his drug. No more enabling. Good luck.
OH! On the -he would probably eat healthy if someone made every meal and snack- that's probably true. I joined Medifast with my doctor's advice and that is EXACTLY why I started to lose weight. It wasn't because I was lazy, I had NO idea how to eat. I knew, like everyone does, what eating healthy meant. But for me, it was the same thing as knowing how cows are milked. I still can't milk a cow.
It took me months to be able to make real food choices. And I worked at it. Medifast was good because it wasn't like real food. It was obviously different. So for awhile I relied on eating that, plus a chicken/vegetable for dinner. I couldn't screw that up. I had zero idea what a serving size really was, that corn is really just sugar on a stem, and that everything I thought was healthy was, but not to the extent it really is. I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you how to make a balanced dinner. I could, however, make you a hotdish without an issue.
Sounds silly, but it's true. I am off medifast (pregnant) and have only gained 19 pounds at 33 weeks. That's because I know what to eat now. Only took about a year.
OP, I think if I were you I would probably proceed like this:
I would not refuse to help at all because I think the person needs to lose weight. However, I would also not greatly inconvenience myself to help this person. If a ride to a doctor's appointment isn't a huge deal, then do that. However, serious nursing after back surgery would be above and beyond what I would be willing to do for this person.
I wouldn't get too hyper focused on the fact that they can and should lose weight. That's their choice to make (I know it is not AT ALL this black and white and easy though). However I would step back so that the consequences of his choices are his to deal with.
Is this a father or FIL? A sibling? What is the age?
He knows how to lose weight and eat healthy. He also knows his BMI and how much weight is appropriate for his body. He lost weight with Weight Watchers, so he knows what to eat, how much to eat, how much to exercise, etc. He just doesn't do it.
My thing is, if he wants to live like he is, that's fine. That's his choice. But, don't make so many demands on my time and ask me to do for you when you won't do for yourself. I have to help him in some way at least 3 times a month, if not more.
I absolutely get where you're coming from here. I agree with you. Fine, he can't seem to lose the weight and I know how hard that is but I would be really frustrated if I were you and you are being asked to do stuff all of the time.I am not eloquent right now but you said it better than I can and I'm basically just agreeing with you. Sounds like it's time to draw a line. Easier said than done but you're being taken advantage of, it sounds like.
You don't have to help him at all. He can pay someone. You are not obligated to do it for free or on his schedule. Who is this man to you?
He doesn't have the money to pay for someone to help him. Weirdly, he can't get that if he cut down on doctor visits and meds, he'd have a lot more money!
Based on your posts, I do not believe you've been kind and gentle in your interactions about this to date.
I am struggling to understand what you want people to say here... Force the veggies down this throat? Cut him off? Hope he dies on the operating table so he's out of your life forever?
Saying "all veggies and legumes are so good!" isn't at all helpful or relevant.
74 books read in 2011
I have always been nice about this issue, but if he asked my opinion, I'd give it to him. And then, end of discussion.
What I wanted to know is what to do now. I (and my family members) wondered if we are really helping him at all or were basically enabling him to continue killing himself. I'm wondering if we should continue to just go along, or make a stand and tell him to get some help. We're wondering if we should continue with the no-questions-asked support, or start setting some ground rules, or just leave him alone until he hits rock bottom.
We don't lecture about food choices. We offer up suggestions when asked but that's it.