Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
so what do I do? long rant sorry its my first post :(
I am recently engaged, recently with my DF ( tho weve been friends for 4 years) and recently out of a string of horrible relationships. Bottom line is for the first time in forever I'm happy. I just wish someone could actually share in my happiness.
my dad loves DF. Has met him and his family - alls good there.
my mom has met DMIL but not DF. I anticipate no problems when they do meet.
Let me preface this with the following -
I'm 27
I am currently in school and have a little over a year left .
my dad bought the house I am currently ( with DF) living in. We pay the bills he pays the mortgage.
I also do not have to work right now so that I can finish school already and move on with life- i get a SMALL stipend from my dad to cover expenses.
We want to get married in March. My dad flat out said this wont work for him. I said I would pay for it myself ( or, DF would pay for it as it is) . dad wants a long engagement.
he's thrown the " finish school then get married and I will refinance the house in your name ( and I'd take over ALL payments for it obv.) " or he will not refinance and we have to pay it all as it is now ( 2k mortgage vs. a probable <700 month one) or risk having to find another place to live. I love my house, but love DF more. He'd just be cutting off his nose to spite his face in this market.
THe wedding regardless of date will be less than 20 people and not a big deal. we are not big deal people.
I tried talking to my dad, who's biggest excuse is that he doesnt want me to end up pregnant before im ready . I did not know that my eggs were waiting on the ring.... I would like to wait till we are married but I really really do not want to wait till i am 30 to start trying as some of my family has some infertility issues.
Do I set the date and just hope he adjusts by then? We;re honestly just considering getting married by a judge and having it sealed and then redoing it in a year without a certificate. But then I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face.
Re: so what do I do? long rant sorry its my first post :(
If your dad is paying your mortgage and your "stipend" for you, then you really don't get to argue back with him that you're an independent adult who is ready for marriage. Because, if you have to rely on Daddy to take care of you while you play House with your FI, you're not. And he's wise to say that you ought to finish school before worrying about marriage.
Straighten out the house situation first. You and your FI need to learn to stand on your own two feet, even if that means renting out a shiitty apartment and working/going to school at the same time (plenty of people do it, it's not impossible). If you want to keep the house and go to school without having to work, then you need to suck it up and obey Daddy's wishes.
Yes, you could run off to the courthouse and get married, but don't be surprised or upset when the gravy train suddenly stops. Lesson learned - when you accept money or favors from people, even loved ones, there are ALWAYS strings attached. So either listen to your father, or move out and stop taking his money.
And if you DO decide to go to the courthouse, that's fine, but THAT is your wedding. You don't get a re-do just because you aren't happy with what Daddy says or because you didn't get your ideal wedding. You get one shot. So make your choice and then live with it ... because that is what being an adult is all about. You chose to take your father's house/money, so now you have to follow his rules. If you choose to do the JOP wedding, then that is your one and only wedding. You don't get to take your father's money and then ignore his demands, and you don't get a second wedding just because you chose to have a smaller first one.
You probably don't have anyone "happy" for you because they're pissed off that you're expecting to do whatever you want without fully earning it for yourself. "Paying my own bills" doesn't count, and being 27 doesn't count. Being 27 should be MORE of an incentive to stop taking your parents' money and earn your own way through life.
I'm sure your dad sees all of this too. Rushing from a string of bad relationships into marriage just because your "recent" BF makes you happy isn't really a great idea.
Then - fertility issues? 1 in 6 people deal w/ IF. Just because "people" in your family have dealt w/ them doesn't mean anything about whether you will or won't. Rushing to get PG by your 30 is silly.
And really- that doesn't do much to your arguement that you're an adult. Wait to have kids until you're financially stable - and living off your dad and your DF is NOT being financially stable.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I should have included that the stipend is just to continue living at the level at which he feels I have to be to enjoy my life. Steven does and can provide for us singly which I am very thankful for while I finish school. You hit the nail on the head with crappy apartment as well- we could totally swing a house even- just not this one financed as a 2nd home. I should also add that my dad is in CT and I am in the south so 'standard of living' ( financially) is much higher up there than here- the whole situation with the house is that it is not 'enough' house for us to justify paying almost 2k for per month therefore we would NOT even try to continue living here.
But yes, I do need to just suck it up and get off the payroll, but now knowing that I want to get married and actually be an adult not just play one my dad will not actually LET me get off of it in terms of paying for the house ect. its just one more means of control and I am really not interested in screwing him totally and just going and getting another place. . . so he can pay ALL the bills here plus what he already is paying. I just hope that we can at least nail down a date because waiting would suck less if i could get a cool ticker. not really but I could at least be happy/excited for myself.
And thanks for the reality check- I really am NOT the spoiled brat that my first post makes me out to be- I think I have a bad case of the gimmes. . . to the point of disgusting myself.
Oh FFS. Don't pretend like this is all your daddy's doing. You are the one that has happily been taking & spending his money all these years. Seriously, I don't think ANYONE should even think about getting married until they are 100% financially independent (from their parents and individually, not relying on your FI). So really...I don't think you are ready to get married yet.
Finish school, get a job, stop taking your daddy's money, and then maybe you can think about setting a date.
But seriously.... give it some TIME. Having another bad breakup on your ticker is better than having a DIVORCE.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There is no need to get married right now. You have not been dating that long (and yes, it is different than just being "really good friends" with someone for god knows how many years). You admitted you have been in a string of bad relationships, etc.
Take the next year and get your house in order:
I realize this sounds like a lot, but if you take this 12 months and do these things, you will be in SUCH a better place than if you rush into this wedding in a fit of "OMGZ I have to do this right now..."
Best of luck.
So you were friends for 4 years...how long were you dating?
How long does your dad want you to wait?
I say either listen to your dad, or stop living off of him (a little bit of money every month and a mortgage payment is NOT a little, if you're ready to get married you should be ready to live like an adult)
You are still too attached to your father. And any type of living arrangement that includes somebody in your family is just not a good idea. Don't do business with family or friends; it can never come to a good end and you'll get bad blood galore.
Letting your dad dictate your personal life? Wrong. You'd benefit with some counseling; you need to cut the apron strings your dad has you tied to.
Don't get married until the apron strings are a thing of the past --- I guarantee you that this will cause quite the rift between you and your FI/H.
He's right. I know that this is tough to hear, but he is right. Take the time to get yourself in order. Then deal with marriage and babies. You won't regret it.
Did your dad hold a gun to your head and force you to do all these things?
YOU agreed to let him do all this. So therefore, YOU need to figure out how to get yourself out of all this if you're suddenly unhappy. You can whine about "control" all you want, but in the end YOU are the one who agreed to this deal with your dad.
Again - being an adult means owning up to your decisions. Not blaming someone else for your woes. So take responsibility for your choices and figure out how to make things right.
And all that aside, your father is correct. It's incredibly unwise to rush off to get married and get pregnant when you're not working, still in school, in a fairly new relationship (especially since it's immediately following several bad ones) and not supporting yourself. He's just looking out for you ... and even if he's not, he's still looking at all this a lot more wisely than you are.
Stop worrying about a wedding and babies right now. Use this time to finish school, get a job, separate your finances/mortgage from your father (figure out how to pay him back or settle up or whatever, and be sure to THANK HIM for his generosity), and learn to stand on your own two feet. THEN you can start to think about attaching your life to someone else's, and bringing new lives into the world.
I started dating H while we were in college. We'd been dating for 2 years and living together for one when we graduated. Marriage wasn't even on the table until we both had well paying jobs and well padded savings accounts. He proposed about a year after we graduated and we had a a year and a half long engagement.
I love my H and I can't imagine being without him. There's a big part of me that wishes we'd waited a little longer before getting married. I made a lot of decisions regarding my wedding and marriage in reaction to what my parents were saying to me and if I'd waited, I would have matured more and would have had time to work out what I wanted as opposed to what everyone else wanted.
Based on my experience, you seem to be in deeper with your father than I was with my parents. You need some time after graduating to figure things out for yourself before getting married. I know that seems stupid to you now, but when you go from having things paid for you (whether its your dad or with loans as in my case) to being responsible for your own bills, things change. Give it time. You'll be happier with your decisions and the reasoning behind them.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
This 100%.
Original Poster
Please note that not a single person here has disagreed with your dad. I know that you want what you want when you want it when you want it, but that isn't always the best thing. Please put all of your marriage plans on hold and put all of your energy into school and your future. Show everyone exactly how mature you really are.
I'm confused. Your father pays your tuition, pays for your home (where he lets you and DF live together on his dime), and gives you fun money. His only request is that you finish school and wait 1.5 years to get married--and it sounds like he'll even spring for the wedding. Are you flippin' crazy?!
While I agree that your dad has enabled you, I don't believe that was his intention. I'm sure he's hoping that you'll use his VERY generous assistance to get a huge leg up in starting life on your own. Please, rethink your life a little. You are not a victim here.
Your dad is right. He's trying to make sure you finish school and really think about things before jumping into them. Don't get married just because you're scared of infertility issues that may or may not ever surface later.
And ... yeah. Look, do sprky's plan. You really need to. You can stay with your fiance and still accomplish these things, and at the end of it you'll have a nice house and a nice wedding and a nice relationship with your dad and a nice education.
If you jump the gun and do it now, you lose the house, the dad, the wedding, and possibly the education if you get married and immediately decide you have to be knocked up.
Presumably it's up to you. If you have a history of making bad decisions, I know which option I'm betting you'll go with.
Updated September 2012.
I guess I don't see the benefit to getting married faster and see lots of benefits to waiting, especially given your dating history and current inexperience at financial independence.
Personally I think you need to move out of your father's house into your own apartment without your FI and live on your own for a year before you're ready to be married. You need to 100% pay your own bills, take care of yourself and learn to be independent before you use the money your dad gives you to pay for a wedding or let your FI pay for it.
And your father isn't being unreasonable - he's spending a lot of money to allow you to focus on school. He does get a say in how long he does that. You have a choice, enjoy life as it currently is and get married in a couple of years or adjust how you live because you've lost his income and get married now. But don't blame HIM because you have to wait or have to pay your bills and expenses. That will be the choice you are making.
Will your Dad adopt me?
Only 1.5 years? Seriously, thats nothing.
I would wait even if there were no financial incentive. Seriously. Wait.
I'm on the same side as your Dad.
I just turned 28. I think what your Dad is asking isn't crazy. I think it would benefit you and your FI if you both wait. What is the hurry? Finish school, enjoy being engaged, move out on your own and pay for your own things. You and your FI need to see how life will be like when it's just you two responsible for your living situation. Life is a lot different when you have to work as a team together to support yourselves instead of relying on your Dad.
Life moves fast as it is. Why rush it even further.
I can't imagine living off my father's money at 27. Hell, I'm 31 and have my own house, money, kid (which I just had at the ripe old age of 30), and we're paying two college tuitions - my H's and mine - using our own money. I'd be embarrassed to be living off my parents at 27.
Either grow up and get a job like most other adults in school and pay your own way, or do what your father says while continuing to live off his money.
Yeah, I'm also on team Dad.
There's no good reason NOT to wait to get married. Your dad sounds like he's trying to use whatever means necessary to get you to wait before making such a huge commitment (I'm guessing he's noticed the string of bad relationships and worries about your judge of character a bit).
So here's what you do (another poster said it perfectly):
1) finish school
2) get a job
3) save money while doing this
4) get married in another 1.5 or 2 years. If your boyfriend is Mr. Right, he'll still be Mr. Right in 2 years.