Trouble in Paradise
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: recent discussions of weight and maintaining spousal attractiveness.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Re: Re: recent discussions of weight and maintaining spousal attractiveness.
Keep reading.
Melinda and Lappy are the only sane people in that thread. And the fact that of all the possible and probable issues there, people are jumping on weight gain as SUCH a huge f*cking deal issue says there's a serious problem with how women are thinking about their bodies and selves.
And if it really is that, what kind of numbskull would ever have sex again with that guy, even after losing the weight?
I love you and Lappy. I think that I might have a hard on just for you guys.
Buuut its probably because I am a fatty.
Yes-- did she go from a 2 to a 4, or a 4 to an 8, or did she go from 140 to 280?
That would have some bearing on the discussion.
I think it would speak more to how she feels about herself, or if there was some underlying issue that led to the weight gain.
Even doubling her weight SHOULDN'T make her husband find her less attractive, but it might effect her behavior.
If her dress size doubled and she feels like she has no right to be attractive...
I don't think this is in anyway based on her weight, but I feel like there is some major information missing.
I am definitely not a skinny, which is why I know that missionary sends my rolls into Raphaelesque zaftig waves of soft ivory, while being on top sends my rolls into stormy whitecaps that would strike fear into the most hearty old salt.
So yeah, I really don't think it's her size, at all.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Good grief, so if her weight doubled (as in the 140 to 280 example)...that should have ZERO bearing on how much her husband is attracted to her and/or how sexually appealing she is?
COME ON.
NO ONE SAID THAT.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
I did say that. And I do and probably always will maintain that while initial attraction is mainly looks, attraction in a relationship should have very little to do with looks at all, and should have even less to do with matching societal ideals.
I mean, come on. Have any of you ever thought that a guy who married a fat woman would have every right to no longer be attracted to her if she got svelte and toned, and should say something to her so that she puts the weight back on? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Yes, we should all be above such things.
Updated September 2012.
I said it, and I stand by it. Really, it shouldn't make a difference. I would really hope that if nothing had changed about me other than my weight, that my DH would still love me. I can think of quite a few older women who have probably doubled their weight since they were married, and I hope it doesn't have effect the way their husband sees them.
It could very well in this case, but still, I don't think it should.
You didn't, but some people DID SO! neener neener!
Really I only came in to needle Kuus because I know we have opposing opinions on this topic.
Fine!
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
I LOVE YOU.
Yes. Because you're attracted to who you're attracted to. But I personally don't think anybody should say anything else unless there's a serious issues (as in their health is beginning to be affected, or their sexual relationship is starting to be affected).
For the record, I've put on about 75 pounds since Noodle and I started dating, but he still finds me sexually attractive. If he couldn't get it up because of my big ass, we'd be having a very difficult but needed conversation.
For swears.
I get what you're saying, Kuus, I really do, but if Mr. Interro ... no, let's call him Mr. Bang ... went from his twiglike 140 lbs to 280 he wouldn't even look like the same person, but I would be the bad guy for raising an eyebrow?
For raising an eye brow, no. For telling him "Mr. Bang, I don't find you attractive any more and I don't want to bang/go out to eat/talk to/look at you until you lose weight," Yes.
I don't think anybody is saying they would approach it in that manner. But I do think that while we all have the God-given right to do with our bodies as we please, Kuus, and shouldn't impinge on others' rights in the same vein, Kuus, we also have the right to have preferences in certain areas. The same way I don't like the way some men smell, I'm also allowed to not like the way some men look. I'm allowed to not be as attracted to short men as I am to tall men; and I'm allowed to not be as attracted to obese men as I am men of a more trim stature.
Were H to gain a horrendous amount of weight, I'd be concerned for his mental well-being and his physical health; but yeah, I'd also be turned off by it. I refuse to be apologetic about that, because it has nothing to do with society's standards of beauty and everything to do with a simple personal preference, the same way I like red hair on men and strong wrists.
It's not kind to say something biting about your spouse's weight, no matter what. It's certainly also not kind to hide a growing distaste for their appearance under a mound of guilt and self-recrimination and, ultimately, resentment.
There is a middle ground in there, and I'm tired of these arguments always being played out in extremist ways. "Either you accept me even if I'm 400 pounds, or you can get the f*ck out; and not being sexually attracted to me at 400 pounds means you're a d!ck, a loser, a superficial assh*le."
Updated September 2012.
Yes. Exactly all of this, Lucy.
I very much love that we get to refer to your BF as Mr. Bang.
I understand that there is a middle ground.
But the point that I am trying to get at is: say your husband isn't obese. Say that he's gone from 140 to 240 even over a span of 20 years. Say his red hair falls out or turns gray. Its how you handle it.
I would hope that your attractions would change with your mate's body. Not that you would find all bald men attractive, but that you would find him attractive.
It's okay to be concerned for your mate's health because they have gained/lost weight, but to just say "I'm not attracted to you anymore because of your physical changes," that just seems... shallow. Not that you are shallow Lucy, but I don't really get the point you are trying to make. Maybe I'm just dense or maybe I'm projecting because I know that I'm a good 20 pounds heavier than when we were married and my belly and boobs are saggy. If my husband came to me tomorrow and said "Huber, I'm worried about your weight because you can't climb the stairs/aren't enjoying yourself/whatever," it would be different than if he came to me and said "Huber, I don't find you attractive anymore. Can you please lose weight?"
The latter has happened to me before. I really don't think that I would be able to stand it happening again. If I am truly happy with my body and DH really can't handle that, I think I would be better off without him.
I think there is a huge difference between natural changes with aging, and something as drastic as doubling in size or becoming morbidly obese and not seeming to care, though. I'm not talking about the natural aging process, or whatever might happen to my body with pregnancy, etc.
Mr. Bang and I have known each other for 8 years and I weigh about 20 lbs more now than I did when we met. The first time we slept together I weighed about 50 lbs more than I had when we met, and he was still attracted enough to me to get it up, but I don't think he's shallow or a bad guy for appreciating my new and improved figure and the level of confidence that has come with it.
If Mr. Bang doubles in size there is something else going on besides getting older and his metabolism slowing down as it is wont to do. Will I still love him and be attracted to him when he's filled out and gone bald as his father has? Absolutely. I would never say to him, I think you're gross because you got fat, but I can't imagine a scenario where he would become morbidly obese without also having serious depression or medical issues and I would be worried for him all around, and would absolutely tell him so, so that we could get him help rather than just letting the situation spiral out of control. If I started eating myself to death I would want him to say to me, sweetheart, you are eating yourself to death, what's up, this isn't good for you or us.
Am I crazy for thinking it's unrealistic for a man who marries a 135 lb woman to find her exactly as physically attractive if she gains another 135 lbs? (Or vice versa.) I'm not saying he should love her less or be mean to her or address the issue in a nasty way, but I'm saying from a purely physical attraction standpoint, I don't get it.
Hehe, I think it will be his official new Nest name.
I suspect attraction does change, surely; I find H more attractive now at 35 than I did when he was younger. Part of that is shared experience and genuine affection, coupled with the attraction that is already there.
However, I do think there are limits. A weight gain of 100 pounds can change the way someone looks in a completely fundamental way. Would it make me divorce him or get ugly about it? No. But it would, truly, affect the way I feel about him sexually; and sexual attraction is a large part of a successful marriage. And I'm allowed to have that opinion, just as he is allowed to gain 100 pounds, if we're to follow Kuus's "our bodies, ourselves" mantra.
And H knows that. We've spoken about "letting ourselves go," and all that. We both gained like twenty pounds in our first year of marriage, and we were like, OMG THIS MUST STOP, and we mutually agreed that while some fluctuation was natural, and some gain inevitable with age, we'd both do our best to stay within reasonable limits of weight; both for health reasons and for aesthetic reasons.
So if H up and gained 100 pounds and refused to lose it, frankly, that would be disrespectful to me, and to our marriage, given what we've previously shared with each other regarding weight and health.
And this:
If my husband came to me tomorrow and said "Huber, I'm worried about your weight because you can't climb the stairs/aren't enjoying yourself/whatever," it would be different than if he came to me and said "Huber, I don't find you attractive anymore. Can you please lose weight?"
doesn't make sense to me; because even if he said one thing, wouldn't you still hear the other in your head? Because I have no problem admitting that I totally would hear "you're not attractive to me anymore." And there are several people in these threads who have stated that they, too, find the "you're just not enjoying yourself" statements to be just so much bullsh!t.
Updated September 2012.
Honestly, in my relationship, I wouldn't. Not that my relationship is all roses, but DH and I work really hard to hear exactly what the other person is saying and to make sure that we are coming across exactly how we mean.
For example, my DH needs to lose weight. I think he's gained 75 to 100 pounds since we've met (he's very tall, so I think his larger weight gain looks better than my 20-30 pound weight gain). It's not because I'm not physically attracted to him, its because of his health, I think he has sleep apnea and a couple of other weight-related issues.
Its the same that I think I need to lose weight and then I wouldn't be so stinking tired all the time. My DH still thinks that I'm sexy, I still tell him that he is hot and he looks good.
I went through a pretty horrid period of depression earlier this year. DH did tell me "maybe you need to work out and lose some weight. I know that it bothers you, maybe you would feel better."
I honestly heard "I want you to feel better."