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Your opinion?
I was asked over the weekend if I would ever get married again. My knee jerk response was no way, but people that have been burned in their 1st marriage say that all the time yet most of them get married again. Then today I login and see a couple posts about engagements and Onlyafools "deep thoughts" post, so it made me actually ponder ever getting married again.
I know I am the new guy around here so I promise I am not trying to step on anyone's toes, but it really made me do a double take when I read a couple women who said they were thinking about becoming engaged after 6-8 month relationships.
I read a statistic where 50% of 1st marriages fail, but over 70% of 2nd marriages fail. My 1st thought is that happens because a person who divorced once and survived thinks they can easily do it again.
What does eveyone else think?
Re: Your opinion?
I think that not doing things for fear of failure sounds like a pretty bleak way to go through life. Who knows whether or not I'll get married again? I'm not desperate to do so, nor am I jaded about the prospect. So my first marriage didn't work out. That doesn't mean I don't have a shot in hell.
I think that the main reason why second marriages fail is because people don't introspect enough and learn from the mistakes they made in their first marriage. Habits are hard to break, and all too often we're attracted to the same type of person over and over again -- even when it's bad for us. I think the trick to making a second marriage (or any relationship, really) work is a combination of picking smarter; learning what didn't work in previous relationships; not falling into old traps; and being aware of what's deal-able and what's not.
As far as your theory that people are nonchalant about second marriages because they already survived divorce just doesn't ring true to me. Personally, I never want to go through a divorce again -- and mine was pretty much as civil as they get. If I do get married a second time, I'm going to have to be pretty darn convinced about it.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I have actually never heard that statistic but I guess it makes sense. I mean, if you do it once, it isn't so "weird" so what would stop you from doing it again?
Champ, you are new to SO, right? (the process, not the board). I remember when I split from XH (2007) I contemplated never getting re-married. But as time passed I realized that I would like to get re-married one day but that it is NOT something that I am taking lightly. I feel like I didn't put too much though into it the first time around and I don't want to make that same mistake twice.
I can only speak for myself but I personally wouldn't get engaged after 6-8 months despite how I felt about the guy (sorry to ruin your post survey, Haines, lol). BF and I have been together almost 8 months and we both agree that we want to wait a while before even exploring that road. Don't get me wrong, we have discussed marriage/babies to make sure we are on the same page, but we agree that page is in a future chapter, not the one we are on right now.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
This times a million. Sorry, I kind of rambled in my PP and I don't think I got this point across.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Wow...I had never see that stat about second marriages. My XH and I separated 2 years ago, and the divorce was final about 4 months after that. I would love to get married again, and I'm hoping that G and I are on that path. For me, personally, I feel 6-8 months is too fast, but I know every couple is different.
I would think that the main thing that would contribute to that high divorce rate is if people go into the 2nd marriage thinking "my first go was crap, so this will be a cakewalk!" and don't put the work in to the relationship that is needed. Loving someone is easy...working well together and continuing to LIKE them takes more work.
My XH just remarried this past weekend. He SWORE when we were splitting up that he wouldn't ever get married again, that it was a sham, blah, blah, blah.
Hopefully the other ladies don't rip me to shreds here...
Another good point. And why would you think anyone would rip you to shreds?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Also, I'm with the PPs that for me, personally, 6-8 months before engagement would be fast. But every person's different. And, keep in mind, we're talking engagement, here, not actually getting hitched. There's nothing wrong with a nice, long engagement.
That said, engagement and marriage aren't on my mind at all yet. I'm just enjoying the person I'm with. The thing that I wonder about is co-habitation, and I'm pretty set on thinking that I would like to co-habitate before I start making plans to marry. Boyfriend's lease is up in mid-April, mine is in July. I love my place, a lot. He loves his neighborhood, a lot. Who knows if we'll be ready for that step in the spring -- and if we are, where we'll land.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I have no idea if I'll ever be married again. I have no reason to have such a definite answer either way right now. I'm leaving it all open to what comes to me and what I feel is right.
I don't know how to say this clearly, but I just feel like sometimes people get married that second time to someone because they put such a super hero cape on them for saving them while they were feeling low since their first marriage failed. I don't know. It just seems like some people are so quick to say that this one is 'so different' than their exhusband.. which is fine.. but different doesn't always equal better. Make sense?
My ex and I have children together so we were ordered to take a class called "Child in the Middle" before our divorce would be granted. This was one of topics the counselor covered and it generated a lot of discussion within our group. He listed several reasons why 2nd marriages fail at a higher rate, but the one that stood out the most was that some people need a significant other in order to feel complete...so they rush into relationships in order to feel some false sense of security.
By the way the counselor also listed your theory as well.. said that people realize and admit their mistakes earlier and easier in a 2nd marriage. But I rate that pretty low on why people divorce again.
Just my personal belief but if people took more time for themselves after ending a relationship then the failure rate of 2nd mortgages would not be as high.
Very well said! This is what bothers me so much about my sister getting engaged so quickly after her divorce (and also her exH - he is a mess). She saw a therapist for a little bit, but I don't feel nearly enough to really process everything so she could make a better decision with her relationships. There's already red flags, all of us in the family are concerned and have tried to gently say things to her, but she is just so stubborn. Along with the fact that she's never really been alone since she was 15. It's her life and she can do what she wants but I just feel sorry for the kids.
I'm still deciding whether I want to get married again... I'm in my first significant relationship since the divorce and things are going extremely smoothly, but they did the first time around too. I struggle with trusting myself to make the right choices... I thought I did the first time, KWIM? So now, I'm just giving myself time, there's no rush.
It's not the idea of marriage that makes me want to do it again though, that's where I got into trouble the first time... it's the man and what he brings to the table.
That's a pretty unfair assumption.
I met FF when I was doing great in life. I had mourned the loss of my marriage, adjusted to life a single parent and was enjoying being by myself. I was happy my divorce had happeend because it forced me to look at my life differently. I was learning and growing and so proud of myself for how far I have come. FF happened to come into my life at a time when it worked for me.
So, no super-hero cape for him. But he does look pretty good in a badge
Mia, I don't mean to speak for you and correct if me if I am wrong but I don't think she was generalizing that point for everyone. Just along the lines of what JM said
"He listed several reasons why 2nd marriages fail at a higher rate, but the one that stood out the most was that some people need a significant other in order to feel complete...so they rush into relationships in order to feel some false sense of security. "
I know a lot of people who don't like to be single, so yes, maybe they rush into a relationship because they are feeling lonely, low, etc. I think these ARE the second marriages that fail. The ones in which both people are healthy are the ones that I think have more of a chance of being successful.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I warned you that I didn't know how to say it clearly! lol dmarie is correct in what I was trying to say here.
The majority of people I know IRL that have been through multiple marriages are the ones who didn't do any work/introspection about why things failed. Mostly what I heard was blaming on the other person and just generally running them down to justify their reasons for leaving.
I think the main thing is to learn from every experience, and every relationship. It's never completely one-sided in that it takes two to tango. I know, for me, even though XH had his laundry list of offenses, I still was the one who chose to marry him. So I have really delved into "why" this was the case and what I would do differently next time.
I know I am jaded at this point. Per another post below, saying "I love you" and spending everyday together after only dating for 2 months would have warning sirens blaring in my head. I promise to drop this subject now!! LOL Thanks for all the insight.
No, don't drop it. I like this board because people challenge each other (hopefully in a respectful way). If you don't agree, it is okay to say so. Truthfully, I wouldn't be comfortable if an SO said "I love you" after 2 months.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
My boyfriend told me he loved me the day we met
I'm going through a divorce right now so of course my answer is no effing way!
I also have two children to consider... so that would make my answer probably no effing way!
But in a few years time, if I fall in love with someone whose warm, caring, attractive, loves my boys, and has title and swag then I may reconsider (in other words it's most unlikely).
This 1000%
I was in a very bad relationship (not married). It took me over two years to figure out what I did wrong, why I stayed in the relationship when I was not happy, when we fought, when he was critical of me.
I didn't read any other responses yet but I personally have no desire to get remarried. Hell, I don't even want to date. But that is just me.
I know others who have met, dated, married and got pregnant in a one year time span and are perfectly happy. I was with my ex for about 6 yrs before we even got engaged and had an awful marriage. We didn't get along from day one. In retrospect, probably should have called it off but we didn't and now I have a gorgeous little girl.
I remember seeing the same stat that you did but I really think that it all depends on the couple.
No offense, but how can you really love someone that you don't know. Sorry, but I think that is a really immature and limited view of love.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I don't bother to worry about the statistics. I have no aversion to getting married again. Also I know how very different the two relationships are and how different I am and how much I have grown as a results of my experiences. I don't need to be with someone, I have always loved being by myself, but if something comes along and it's far beyond what you ever expected anything could be like, why wait? Because other people think there is this mandatory time that everyone needs to "recover" or "re-find" themselves after a divorce? What works for one, doesn't work for all.
the time line for knowing something is right is person/relationship dependant. for my first marriage I was still in college when I met XH, we rarely saw each other, most of our time dating we lived in differnet states or at least 2.5 hours apart. I knew before we got married that I shouldn't do it, but everyone convinced me it was just "jitters" and "everyone gets those". we still rarely saw each other while we were married and then I deployed for over a year, and it just wasn't savable because once we had to be around each other non-stop, there was no way it could work. we were too different in too many ways. and I wanted more out of life and a relationship.
so this time, I knew right away that things are so right with B and the whole relationship dynamic is different and overall I've become a better person. also in this case Imoved in right away so we started off seeing each other every day, rather than how my past relationships have gone where we maybe see each other once a weekend or once every few months. For the first time in my life I have hated the nights we are away from each other. I used to think women who missed their H's when they had to go on travel were crazy and co-dependant. I'd say I was very wrong. I also used to prefer going on vacation with out XH, basically I never wanted him around me...this time because I'm with some one who is compatable on every level, I can't imagine feeling that way.
both BF and I have been in failed marriages, he's had 2 years since his divorce, i've had almost 6 months. He and I have been together (and living together) that whole 6 months. We each know what wrong looks and feels like, we each grew up and learned how to communicate and compromise better as a result of our prevoius relationships and as luck would have it, we were put in the right place at the right time for us to get together.
Neither of us see a reason to wait when we know what's right, if either of us had doubts or questions in our minds, we'd take longer. His divorce was pretty hard on him, because she was the one who left, and he never wants to go through that again. My divorce was a breeze, I didn't get burned, I felt nothing but total happiness when I left him. But i wouldn't rush into something if I had any doubts in my head like I did last time.
I think length of time is an arbitrary thing. I knew STBXH for 2 years before we started dating, got engaged 6 months after that, married 2 1/2 years after that. And then he chose divorce 2 years after that.
Whereas my parents knew each for 3 months when the got engaged, got married about 14 months after that, and have been happily married for 28 years now.
I really hate those statistics, they really bum me out - it's one of the things that makes me wonder if I'll ever get married again since I do not want to ever have to go thru another divorce. Like some other people have said, I've decided not to worry too much about the future, I'll cross that bridge if I ever get there.
Regarding people talking engagement/marriage: I think the most important thing is making sure you dealt with all the baggage from your failed relationship -- if you've done that, then feel free to go forth and make healthy adult choices. I try not to get too caught up in the time frame thing, since I think every situation and person is different. I think for my own comfortability, 6-8 mos would not be enough time to get engaged, but I can see how that would be long enough for others to know if they are with the right person -- now if it were someone you've only known 6 weeks, I'd be raising an eyebrow.
And you believed this?
My opinion (through observation) about why 2nd marriages fail:
1) It is a rebound. Meaning the person is not in a good place to start dating again, hates being alone and/or has not done any self reflection.
2) They date/marry another man that is similar to H #1, with same flaws/red flags. (as stated by PPs)
3) They go for the EXTREME opposite. The first guy was a douche, so they get with a great guy, nice, caring, quiet.... and then the person realizes they pick the person because they were "safe" not becuase they were truly a good match.
4) The damaged person does not put up with ANY conflict. They know they can survive without a SO, so they don't put the effort into making the relationship work.
This is just what I have seen in my own life and the relationships around me. I am totally up for another marriage.. but I believe it will happen in good time.