Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Talk me out or into it
The man who has been screwing my wife for the last 6 months(maybe more) called me last night. He would like to meet me in a public place and discuss the affair or as he put "clear the air". I was stunned to the point of being speechless. I never dreamed this guy would reach out to me so all I could manage to say was I would get back to him and hung up. I have never met this douche, dont know anything about him. I am leaning towards agreeing to meet him so I can see what he looks like and to tell him how much damage he has caused.
I should note we have been seperated 4 months and going thru the divorce process...those two are still together.
I know this board will give me some brutal honesty...so please fire away.
Re: Talk me out or into it
I would not meet with him. I would not want any more drama/hurt.
He is NOT doing it for your own good but to try to clear the guilt that HE has.
Is the only reason you want to meet him is to see what he looks like?
Honestly, do you think you could meet him without losing your cool?
OP, I am like you and I think I would want to meet the person out of curiousity.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Oh I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you and your wife have no children. In my opinion, you should ignore this man. Do not meet with him. He wants to "clear the air" because he is getting some sort of kick out of this. Anything he would want to say to you would only be to make him feel better about himself; he doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about your feelings. I think it would be in your best interest to cut off any contact and move on.
The exact same thing happened to me. Mine was different I had known the guy for over 3 years, we hung out together, his exwife and my exwife were very close friends. He called me one day and wanted "hash things out" because the 2 wives had got together also to vent or whatever.
My friends begged me not to go because this was still fresh and I was still pissed off at the world. My best friend even warned me he wouldnt come and bail me out if did something stupid. So I ignored their good advice and met him at his shop. I cant tell you how bad I wanted to choke the life right out of this idiot. I didnt lay a finger on him..I knew if I did they would surely use that against me when it came time for custody decisions. However I did screw up and threatened to cut his balls off if he ever laid a finger on my children. That was dumb he easily could have used that against me...but he didnt. At the time I was glad that I got in his face and threatened, it felt great. Looking back it accomplished nothing.
I am curious what "clear the air" means. I wonder if he wants to tell you he didnt know that she was married, or she lied about maybe you two were seperated, blah blah blah. Homewreckers are also compulsive liars so whatever he tells you if sketchy.
You sure as hell dont owe this tool any closure. I wouldnt go. And dont mean to be rude Champ but you are going to go no matter what you hear from us on this board and you know it. You are a pissed off man and the curiosity is killing you.
Good luck
Don't do it. No good can come from it and whatever conversation you have (if it doesn't get physical) will only lead to thoughts of "I should have said this..." later on.
I agree with the previous posters (pp's) that it's best to cut off contact and move on. As we say around here, onward and upward!
This is a good idea. Don't show up and then block his number
The other unsettling (at least to me it would be) part of this whole situation is that obviously your STBXW gave him your number. That's not cool. At all.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
So sorry you're going through this... I can't imagine how difficult this must be, but I would never respond and I would block his number. Limit your contact to your STBXW to just divorce matters and then block her too if there are no kids involved.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
What he is like is part of it, the other part is being able to tell him face to face how much pain he has caused and what I think of him. I am confident I would not get physical with him.
There is no way this will turn out well. He's there to lessen his own guilt or he's there on behalf of your STBXW to try and get you to forgive her so she can get more in the divorce. Seeing this guy is going to make you feel much worse...why do that to yourself? Resist the temptation.
My XH brought the OW to our divorce hearing. I paid her so little mind that I'm confident I wouldn't recognize her if I ran into her on the street. With all the drama that inhabited my life for so long, I wholesale reject it now. I've cut out shiit-stirring friends, gossipy coworkers, and especially anything to do with my XH. Don't engage the crazy and the crazy won't engage you.
ETA: I don't understand this impulse to tell a stranger that he's hurt you. Why give him that satisfaction? Gee, yeah, that sounds like a good plan...tell this doucher that he got the best of you. Fvck that noise. Don't give your power away.
Yes, stand him up. I really like this idea.
JM5855 thanks for sharing, seems like you came out of that situation unscathed but I can understand you warning against meeting him.
I just dont want to come across as a coward and not go. I understand this idiot's opinion of me shouldnt matter to me, but somehow it does when it looks like I am dodging him. My brother doesnt want me to go but said if I do he would go with me and make sure I dont do anything stupid. I am torn.
Wow..I think this is the exact wording I was needing to hear. Thank you
Being a bigger man is not coming across as a coward. And remember those 2 are the homewreckers - they are the cowards.
My vote is DO NOT GO!! 4 months is not long enough to be able to handle this. I would not give him the satisfaction of meeting you.
I would maybe tell him to call you back in a year or two if he still wants to clear the air and they are still together.
You're welcome. You are allowed to be sad but you are not allowed to be a sad sack. Comprende?
Now, here are some puppies:
Not meeting up with him is NOT being cowardly.
Seriously. Think about this. Why on earth would you go to meet up with the man who was sleeping with your wife? Let it alone. Be the bigger person. Don't tolerate any crap from him ever again.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Champ, I am torn. I know I would want to go but I also know that it doesn't solve anything. However, I do TOTALLY agree with Bowies that you shouldn't tell him how much he hurt you. He obviously doesn't give a sh*t about you or else he wouldn't have fvcked your wife!
No matter what, hold your head high. That is one thing that I am SO proud of myself for. I never once yelled, screamed, threw things, threatened XH or called him any names. I NEVER let him know that he got to me. And that is the best feeling in the world!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I agree with this. And again, even if HE thinks it's cowardly, who gives a flying fvck? He's a douche that's screwing someone's wife.