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DH on the fence?
I have an issue - a big one to me - maybe not to you.
When we started dating and after getting married both of us were 100% against having a child. And then....we started spending more time with our niece and nephew. DH started making comments that it "might not be so bad to have a kid - to pass the business to - to take care of us when we're old. It might be fun." .... Just f(@*#$*$* great.... A week or more ago I made my personal final decision to NOT have kids. I'm tired of this BC screwing with my body and I'm tired of constantly being worried. I want the weight off my shoulders permanently. So I was looking into Essure. ...I must also mention I'm PETRIFIED of having a child - especially one with disabilities. I seriously think that I would hate my H forever if I ended up chained to a disabled child for the rest of my life. But you know - I also dont' want a healthy child either. So before you lash me - I'm against healthy ones too. I am not the mother type - he KNOWS this. So I tell him I'm thinking about Essure - and he asked me not to just yet in case he changes his mind.
I love my DH - he is a wonderful man and I would do anything for him. Except maybe this,...
I have asked him how he feels about adoption if I did it - he said he would be cool with that. But then he said ...what if I want a biological child? ..... I really do love my husband. But now I"m sitting here thinking "what if" I had a child that needed constant care. Like the kid on Dr. Phil who was 23 or something and smearing his diaper on the wall????? I do NOT want to be that mom. Can you test for diseases/deformities?
WWYD? Get Essure to end the torture or hold off for him?
Re: DH on the fence?
I am going to be corny and cheesy and cliche and quote Eat Pray Love to you right now.
?Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.?
DON'T DO IT. You obviously are not committed.
Ditto this.
Maybe throw in some counseling since you seem to be waffling around as much as your H. You don't want them, then maybe, then what if you do and the child is disabled, then back to no, then maybe you'll adopt, then no, then maybe bio kid because you love your H, back to what if the child is disabled, then you post here. There's always the hypothetical "healthy baby winds up as disabled adult due to accident or illness" scenario... what happens then?
I think you could use some help sorting out your true feelings.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
The decision to have or not have children is pretty paramount in a marriage. Personally I would have a serious conversation with DH now. You two need to be on the same page.
FWIW, I agree that you don't seem like the mother type. I am going to leave the comments about disabled children alone - but it does bother me you would say those things.
Ditto PPs, Please do not have a child if you do not want one. I do not think you should make any decisions without talking to your husband and telling him exactly what you posted here.
Well, first, don't have a kid (adoption or biological) to appease him. Dont' do it. If he really feels he wants a child, then he needs to make the decision over whether this is a dealbreaker for him or not.
But that being said, his reasons are HORRIBLE!!!!!!
might not be so bad to have a kid - to pass the business to - to take care of us when we're old. It might be fun
No, you don't have a child to pass the business to. They may have NO DESIRE for your business!
And then expecting them to take care of you??
NO. these are NOT reasons to have kids, these are not why "kids are fun".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds almost as though now that he has kinda sorta maybe changed his mind, he doesn't want you to make a permanent decision that you might regret if something similar were to happen in you. I don't see him pressuring you to have kids or anything. In fact, it doesn't even sound like he's sure he wants them anyway, just that he has lost his certainty about how he'll feel in the future.
Would something semipermanent like an IUD work?
Yeah, this. Don't do it to please him. You know how you'll feel.
I like no oops. If I changed my mind it would be different.
Kuus - IUD might be an option too but I've heard it has the same success rate as the pill. So its half dozen in one half dozen in the other. If the symptoms are the same then I'm chasing my tail.
Everyone else - I know how horrible/rude/immature it is to talk about disabled children. I have been lashed many times. It doesn't change my feelings. And to the poster who respected that - I respect you for not lashing me and trying to change my feelings.
I am wishy washy too don't get me wrong, but i"m 99.999% to his 80%. I'm not saying I won't change my mind in the future- its not like I haven't thought "what would it be like" and its not that I don't like kids - I love my niece and nephew. I love playing games with them. But we see them when they are happy. The last time we were together they would scream this high pitched laugh that they learned at church and I cringed not only when they did it but also when no one told them to stop.....
Maybe I should cool the jets and not make my own final decision. I especially don' t like the overall feeling that I'd make a terrible mom. Though that does push me to not have one.
I guess the deal will break if he sways opposite for me on the final vote. But for now we stay in limbo. Thanks.
OP, please don't have kids to make your husband happy.
You guys need to talk about this. Your reasons for not wanting kids are skewed, but all boil down to you not wanting kids. His reasons for wanting kids are the wrong ones.
IUDs have a significantly higher success rate than BCPs (because of the variables with how responsible people are about their BCP primarily. Timing and the like). They also don't have any of the side effects because it's a low dose local steroid, not an oral steroid that will obviously have to be stronger to make it through your whole system before taking effect.
I was on BCPs and recently got Mirena. It's hunderds upon thousands of times better. I sleep better, have a libido again, and I'm not constantly hungry 2 out of the 4 weeks in a month.
I'll talk to my doctor. Thanks for the info.
Nieces and nephews are completely different from your own kids. The best part about being an aunt is shaking up a kid like a can of coke and then handing it back to its parent.
Your hangup about having a disabled kid is valid, but having any kid is a TON of work, to the extent that you'll all but certainly resent your H for 'making' you have one if you don't want one.
Well, what are the reasons for having kids? I mean, historically they are the ones you pass the business to, they are the ones who take care of parents in their old age, and who's kidding who? They are fun.
If the only reason to have a child is to perpetuate the species, I think the rest of the world has that covered.
Having said that, the OP should never have kids. Even if she adopted a healthy child, what would prevent that child from getting hit by a car or developing a dibilitating disease in the future?
ETA: made a change as to not incorrectly throw this poster under the bus for a comment she did not make.
Don't have kids unless you absolutely 1000% WANT to have them. Don't do it to please your husband. Don't do it because you want to pass the business on or have some sort of built-in nursing care for when you are old n' moldy.
Even when you are excited and want kids they are really hard to raise. If you aren't on board with all of your heart/mind then you will feel trapped, and resentful when the kid(s) arrive. Please do yourself a favor and go with your gut on that one.
If your husband has changed his mind then that is ok. He is human and prone to want different things from you at any one point. However, it is up to both of you to have a frank talk about your different wants for the future. If it is super important to your husband to have biological children then it could be a deal breaker for the marriage. Also, he shouldn't expect you to have kids just because he wants them for the above mentioned reasons.
Talk it over with your husband and see what the two of you come to. This is not something to be decided overnight. Give yourselves some time.
"I think (I think) this is the same poster who complained about her disabled cousin at Thanksgiving."
Nope, not the same one. That was that nutjob Avengeance. The one who demanded her boss change a restaurant venue to satisfy her food issues.
ETA: Quote. Nest is being dumb and won't quote.
I like that description- I think I'll use it.
I always tell my brother that my job as an Aunt is to spoil them rotten, give them sugar, get them hyped up, give them back and then go home and go to bed.
So much stress for one person.
Yes, not the same OP.
The link to Avengeance's post:
Here
ETA: made a change as to not incorrectly throw this poster under the bus for a comment she did not make.
I did that myself, but thanks for the note.
If you don't want to be on hormones at all, paraguard is also an option. It's an IUD too, but uses copper instead of hormones to prevent pregnancy.
I don't think you're an azzhat, selfish or self centered. I don't think there is necessarily a "mothering type" either. I know plenty of people who seemed like the stereotypical selfish single person, then had kids and they're wonderful parents. There's not a nurturing "type" that would make a good mother. Good mothers come in all forms and personalities. But I digress. . .
You obviously don't want kids. You shouldn't have to fight w/ your husband on this, esp. since you've been there, done that w/ him. On the other hand, he's allowed to change his mind, but this means - he has the right to leave you if he wants to, to procreate w/ another woman. So, while I don't think it's fair to you that he's going against what you've already decided and trying to change your mind (or not making a 100% committment to your decision), I also don't think it's fair to him if he wants children. The urge to have children can be very strong (even if he's on the fence now), and you don't want him to resent you in the future. I don't know what the solution is. Just throwing my two cents out there. . . good luck!
I spoke with DH and he too told me to cool my jets. He said its the "wrong week" to discuss something this important. He's referring to Aunt Flow and the stress of my parents. He also stated how upset he was that I would over react to him telling me he is on the fence.
I informed him of your overall disappointment in his reasons for wanting a child. He then asked - what are the reasons to have kids then? What makes people want them. I didn't have an answer. After thinking about it I said - well whenever I spoke with my mom, his sister, his mom - they have always just wanted them. There was never any doubt so maybe that's the big difference? He responded with "Well there has to be a reason behind that." I'm at a loss of words. And I know if I ask them now they'll tell me the same thing they did before - - they just did.
And on the note of taking care of a child should an accident occur - you bet your ass_ that I would. My little brother was almost killed this past July - for the last 5 months he has needed help getting around - I've built ramps - supported him emotionally - helped him go to the bathroom - cleaned him afterward- and he's only a year younger than I am. I can see this being MUCH harder than a child. Dealing with his emotions during that process was extremely difficult. But we are through it for now. - - - I know shiit happens. I would take care of a kid too. There's just something about a disease that gets to me. I can't explain it. I'm sorry.
I feel like I"m going to great lengths to prove that I"m not a horrible person - I'm afraid you are all thinking "this is who this person is" - It's not entirely. Most of it though is probably me feeling guilty myself for feeling the way I do.
Thanks for your advice everyone.
Ooooohhhh. If DH said something like that to me, I would be doing the exact opposite of cooling my jets. I'd be pissed.
The man brings up a topic that you thought you had covered years ago and you thought you were on the same page about and he doesn't want to discuss it with you?? That's just not the way it works. Please have imoan over so that she can give him a proper kick down the stairs. When he recovers from his little stumble, perhaps he will see that this is something that you guys need to talk about at length. A difference in opinion on kids is a deal-breaker, plain and simple.