Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: DH on the fence?
kcgirl, if in the future your husband still continues the whole I am on the fence, maybe it would behoove you and your husband to offer to take your niece and nephew for a week (or longer) to give the family a break. Arrange things like you would have to for your own children, make sure someone is their to watch them if need be while you work, and have an agreement no bailing out before the timeframe has passed. And although there will be still be the idea that you get to give them back, this will still be good for both of you to see if this is something you would enjoy. Once done you can have a serious conversation.
My brother and sister inlaw borrowed my daughter for just a few days for the exact thing, after my daughter throwing up in my sister in laws cleavage a half a dozen times she decided she wanted to wait. Lol.
In regards to your situation, I understand how this would be difficult for you. Having children is one of those core beliefs I think should be the same for a couple. And having that changed is hard. I think the only thing to do now is communicate, maybe take a few steps back, and let you both mull it over. Just understand it is definitely ok not to want to have children, there is nothing wrong with that.
I come from the camp of someone who always just knew that I had to be someone's mother. That was the only thing that I knew I needed in my life. But, despite babysitting and having lots of little cousins to watch, having a little brother that I mothered... nothing prepared me for how difficult being a mom/parent is. And I can't even begin to explain how challenging it is and how it has changed me, my DH and our relationship. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done with my life, but in those most challenging moments, I know in my heart that I really wanted this and it helps me make it through. And I am always saying that I can't imagine trying to do this parenting thing without really, really wanting it... because once you are a parent, nothing is the same. Yes there are many wonderful moments, but there are always difficult times too... so before you entertain the idea of wanting kids... you have to make sure that you or your DH would be ready not to be a priority for many, many years.
My BFF from childhood also knew that she wasn't really interested in ever having children and I applaud the fact that she has always owned this. And I give her credit for not doing something that isn't true to who she is. She is wonderful with my kids... but she goes right home to her doggies.
Why are you so focused on having a child with a disability? Are you genetically predisposed to something? I have two kiddos and my 3 year old is diagnosed with a form of autism (though for now it seems very mild and his IQ is high so crossing fingers he will not need special care as an adult but certainly we have considered the possibility) still I actually don't have any problem with you saying you don't want to have a disabled kid, especially since you don't want a healthy one either. You aren't required to have kids and you certainly aren't required to want to take care of a kid who is disabled for the rest of your llife. You can still be a good person. I don't want dogs.
you are attempting to make a responsible plan to keep from having kids so I have no issue withi it. You were just venting and what else is this site good for? That said never ever have a kid to please your spouse. And never ever Rationalize having a kid with what you tnk that kid will do for you example- take over the business or take care of you when you are old. That isn't how it works and it would be wayyyyyy less effort and cheaper for you guys to put your money in savings and hire some hot piece of azz to take care of you when you are old. Groom your nephew to take over the biz etc. But don't have a kid unless there is nothing in the whole world you would rather be doing with your time and the huge chunk of money you will spend on said child. Because if you do it for someone else and then don't love iit (being s parent) you will hae some serious resentment, then get divorced and be a single parent and that isn't so rad for someone who doesn't even want to be a parent.
and btw your healthy kid could become a quadrapeligic in the blink of an eye so adopting a perfct one isn't going to keep you out of that situation. You have to want to be parents, both of you.
I believe we can
However, yesterday morning I simply broke. I personally agree with DH that my emotions were running too high. But here I am, still on my period, and I feel perfectly normal.
I am definitely interest in the IUD. I revisit in Feb and will discuss all of my options with the doc then.
I know it's a pain to read A LOT of responses so a lot of ppl just skip right over them - that's cool - but to clarify I'm not afraid of an accident occuring and the result being a handicap. After seriously trying to pin point it - I think its a mental issue. I'm not strong enough to deal with a disease. DH and I have spoken again and we are back on the same page. He isn't asking me to get pregnant against my will, he's only asking that I wait in case we collectively change our mind.
The only things that runs in my family are cancer and hypertension. As far as any thing else "predisposed" - no idea. The rest of us are pretty normal (give or take our dysfunctions).
Being a parent is hard enough when you are 110% on board with it. I've wanted to be a mother my entire life and it is one of the hardest things I do on a daily basis.
I think that you have excellent reasons for not wanting to be a parent, and I think that this is a conversation that needs to take YEARS not, just a week (when you are hormonal-- insert eye roll here).
Ditto PP's idea of borrowing your neice and nephew. and stick to your guns, don't let him pressure you if you really don't want a child.
to me this could be a huge dealbreaker.
if you do not want to do it or have ANY doubts at all, do not have a child. you need to do what you truly want to so you do not have resent or regret later on.
that being said your husband deserves to be happy as far as his goals for a family as well and how those match up with what you want.
this is a BIG thing. you need to sit him down right now and say "i will never want to have a child. if you do, and you give that up are you going to resent me later on? or are you always going to regret not having a child?"
like... ask the really hard questions. definitely dont bring a kid into this equation until this issue is sorted out. divorce with a kid is so much nastier and messier.