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How to deal with an unemployed SO?
Long-time lurker, first-time poster. My SO lost his job two months ago. This is the fifth time he's been unemployed in six years. I have been doing everything I can to be supportive. However, it can be tiring and stressful. I have never been unemployed for more than a couple of weeks so I can only imagine what he must be going through. Luckily, I am working full time, but I only make about half of what he was making.
I am having some issues with him, however. He has only applied to a handful (meaning about 4) jobs since becoming unemployed. He had two interviews with a company about a month ago and has not heard anything since. He keeps thinking that this is the job and will not apply anywhere else. I am supporting two of us making less than $40k a year and to me, this is not acceptable. Instead of job-searching, he plays video games and looks at naughty websites. He doesn't wake up until 1 most days and stays up until 3 or 4 at night. I understand that everyone needs down time, especially after a stressful event such as being laid off. However, I am working my butt off, trying to get as much overtime as possible and he just farts around all day waiting for this job that may or may not come through. I don't know how to convey to him that this is not acceptable behavior and I am frustrated without sounding naggy. Thank you for listening.
Re: How to deal with an unemployed SO?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
That was going to be my question.
His first job, he was laid off. The second and third jobs, he was let go due to conflicts with managers. The fourth job, he was laid off. Finally, with this last job, he was laid off. Just bad luck I guess. He is in the finance industry, where it is very cutthroat.
The fact that he was let go due to "conflicts with managers" twice leads me to believe it's not just crappy luck.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
It's not nagging, to ask someone to pull their weight. If he's not doing it financially then he needs to do stuff around the house. Cook, clean, and basic household maintenance. Why should you be carrying all the weight?
And I say this as someone, who's unemployed right now, so I'm looking at this from the same position your husband is in. I know it feels like crap, not to have a job, but I hate the fact that all the pressure is put on my DH. It shouldn't be that way.
Having had rather unfortunate luck myself with lay-offs in the past 3 years, I can totally commiserate with how hard it is right now/the anxiety and depression that comes with being unemployed and will generally turn a blind eye to a "mourning period" of having a mini pity-party over it...
But two months? Oh hell no. You need to have a Come to Jesus talk with him because this shiit is inexcusable. He might be unemployed right now but he still has a job; the job of FINDING A DAMN JOB.
Sit him down and tell him this is not a vacation for him, he needs to be spending all damn day looking for and applying to jobs. No more waking up at 1pm and going to sleep at 4am. That is BULLSHIIT. Even if he thinks he did just apply to the holy grail of all jobs, APPLY TO MORE. You can never have too many options lined up.
Give him a specific date and tell him he either needs to have a job by then or have had X amount of interviews or else he's on his own. Since you say SO and not DH, I'm assuming you two aren't married, by the way. If that's the case... DTMFA.
ETA: Just read all the replies made while I was typing.
Verdict: This guy is a Grade A LOSER. Conflicts with managers and whining about how hard it is to wake up each day? Oh hell no. He is a giant baby and expects you to be his momma. Ditch his ass.
That's what he told me. He does have a bit of a temper and I think there is more to those stories but he gets very defensive when I ask him about them. He has a huge chip on his shoulder regarding his employment history.
Okay, I know all I need to know.
No one I've only known for a year and am not married to is worth being in a relationship with a loser who can't keep a job like a grown up... and then having the entire burden of the household on my shoulders because he can't keep himself in check like an adult.
Dating is for figuring out whether or not someone is worth sharing a life with. This guy is not. Get out now and enjoy all that extra money and time you'll have when you're not paying his bills and keeping the house up to snuff because someone needs to wake up at 1 and play video games all day.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
He does help out with the cleaning and laundry, which I am very grateful for. But then I think he uses chores as an excuse not to apply to jobs. We live in a 1-bedroom apartment, there's not much to clean. When I ask him what he did during the day, he says he followed up with the recruiter who is trying to get him this job, then says he cleaned this and that.
It doesn't take an hour to do a follow up call. It takes 2 hours to do a load or two of laundry, wash dishes, make the bed and clean the bathroom. He's using you. You can obviously afford the apartment on your own salary. I would tell him if he doesn't apply for at least 2 jobs a day and do at least 2 follow up calls, not counting calls to "the dream job" that his azz and his gaming system will be out on the curb.
He's an adult. He doesn't get a medal for doing the things that adults need to do in life. Him cleaning a few things doesn't fix the fact that he 1) keeps getting fired (regardless of him telling you he was laid off... I bet the life of my Penny Lane that he was fired each time) and 2) expects you to shoulder the burden of your household and 3) acts like a child on Christmas vacation. The fact that he gets defensive when you ask him questions about what happened with those jobs speaks VOLUMES... not only about what REALLY happened to those job, but also to his character.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
ummmm, no. People don't just keep having that kind of bad luck with jobs! Something i off with this guy.
If you were married/ had children/ been together for many years I'd say it's time for a Come to Jesus talk & I would not let his defensiveness stop you from saying what needs to be said, but a year is just not long enough to deal with this shiit.
I'd look at moving out or telling him to, sooner than later. Are you both on the lease?
The way to deal with your particluar unemployed SO is to dump his lazy azz.
Walla, no more unemployed SO.
snailspace,
My father is very much like your husband. Over the years that I have been alive (33), he has moved us every 3 years or so, either because a company went under, or he was "laid off", or a bazillion other excuses. When he has moments of honesty he will admit he was fired for not doing his job most times. My dad isnt essentially lazy and he loves us very much, he would do anything for his children, but for his job? For his wife? No.
My mom has been miserable for years and refused to leave him until 5 years ago. My dad had yet again gotten fired, and found a new job cross country in VA. Their house at the time was in Colorado. She was still in the house waiting for it to sell, when she realized she was going to leave him. She flew out to VA to ask for a divorce. She flew back, and drove up into the driveway, leaving the truck on, and putting it in park so that she could pull the garbage cans out of the garage so she could park. The truck shifted out of park and pulled her under it. It destroyed her leg, broke 11 ribs, destroyed a rotating cuff, punctured her lung, and almost killed her. So guess where she is now? Back with my dad, because she can no longer work, and she refuses to burden me, and now she is dying. I know this is overly dramatic, but don't wait until you are stuck, try to talk to him touchy or not, seek out counseling, and if all else fails leave. Maybe I am the cynic, but I have seen this all my life, and if you have or ever have children you dont want them telling you to divorce him when they are just teenagers.
In the end, he maybe a great guy. He may love you like crazy, but in 20 years when this has happened over and over, are you going to be happy? I guess all I am saying is don't assume that what he tells you is the exact truth. He maybe ashamed that he keeps losing jobs and worries that you will not love him if you knew. So many questions, and so many answers.
Ditto Imoan.
And Fuss.
Oh, and the "upside" of this nifty little situation is that this is the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship. Know what that means? Yep, this is the best its going to get. He should be on his "best behavior" at this point in the relationship and if this is *it*.... Um, well, you're not married, so kick him to the curb.
Life is too short for this crap. AND he has anger management issues to boot?? Oh hell no.
I have never seen things this bad.
The last time I switched jobs it took me 6 weeks to get an offer; This was way back when we had no recession (I answered 6 ads; got 4 interviews). It's pretty dead and dry out there for jobs.:(
His best bet is to apply for anything he is qualified for; go door to door if he can; one never knows.
He's staying up much too late --- I woud not doubt if he's got discouragement and depression thrown in into the bargain.:(
He also can't be effing off all day. Sure, you can't look for a job all day -- it will drive you batty -- but he also can't be messing around.
RED FLAG. If you are planning any kind of future with this guy, he needs to tell you every detail about why he can't hold down a job. EVERY detail.
Dude. This guy is NOT a catch. I'd even question if those lay offs were really lay offs, or if they were just being nice and giving him an easy out.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ideally, since you're supporting him he should be the one cooking and cleaning DAILY. In addition to him helping out around the house, he should also be job hunting. My DH and I recently went through something similar but I never felt like he wasn't supporting me at home. Even though he was unemployed, he still woke up early, looked for jobs, came home to cook and clean.
Its about supporting one another. In our house, if one of us is unemployed we STILL help out around the house and do extras for each other.
GL with this.
The fact that he is currently unemployed doesn't really stand out to me and if it was just that and the lack of looking I'd say depression and tell you to help him get counseling. But coupled with the history of FREQUENT job loss even in a good economy and his defensiveness/combativeness when you try to discuss issues with him, I agree with the others that this will not get better and you should probably break up with him.
Yep. I've been through this before. My XH went through 3 jobs in 3 years, and that was before we got married. He was "laid off" each time and I kept rationalizing it that he was just trying to find a career or a company that was a good fit. Finally he landed at a company that took the step of promoting him out. He crashed and burned at the new location in such a spectacular fashion that it made the newspaper.
I have to say, he had hustle though. Even in this extended recession he was never unemployed longer than a month. I think it's why I was able to ignore his narcissism, and resulting run-ins with bosses, for so long. Professionally, he was kind of an azzhole and he got off on it. It's not the reason I divorced him, but that personality type let to other bad behavior.
I say cut him loose. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but he's not dateable until he gets his shiit together (if he gets his shiit together). He doesn't sound very mature.
I was unemployed for the first 6 months of my marriage. I got up with H and took care of the house in addition to applying for jobs.
I've never dealt with lay offs but my H has. When his company was laying off a ton of people they should've laid off him because he was the newest employee in his department. Instead they laid off the laziest employee in his department. So your SO could've been laid off. It certainly is suspect that he won't discuss it with you though.
Two months of relaxing? No fvcking way. I took two weeks off (one being our honeymoon) before job hunting because I'd worked three jobs and planned our wedding for the 9 months before we married and needed a break. However I unpacked our apartment that we'd just moved into so I wasn't sitting around twiddling my thumbs.
I agree with PP; I think you're better off without him.
Have you talked to him about seeing a doctor for depression?
EDIT: upon reading further, I'm not sure I can give SO the benefit of the doubt anymore. I was looking at this from the point of view that my DH was laid off for 8 months when we first got married. He had a hard time finding a job - but he at least went out and got a part time job to supplement unemployment to help pull his weight around the house.
Between the job history and current issue -I don't think I'd be investing anymore time with him.
He's full of crap about his layoffs. Or at least the reason behind them. It sounds like this is a pattern with him. Even if he miraculously got another job tomorrow, how long would he keep it? Is this really the battle you want to wage for the rest of your life? DTMFA.
Also, my husband works in finance- he's getting laid off in April, and he's been busting his arse for the last 6 months sending resumes to anything he might be remotely qualified for. He's had a handful of interviews. It's awful out there. He went for an interview last week, and the HR rep told him they got 200 applications for the job and brought in 4 candidates. (The whole company has less than 60 employees, btw.) That's what he's up against right now. So I don't think sitting around for 2 months and a spotty employment history are going to do your boyfriend any favors.