How to deal with an unemployed SO?

Sloane99 · December 2011

I was married to this guy, please just leave, you don't need this and it doesn't get better. My XH was unemployed for a large part of our marriage after various stints of employment that were usually favors called in by his family or friends. He kept getting fired for "personality conflicts" as well. He was defensive with a huge chip on his shoulder and constantly felt like the world was out to get him. I was at the beginning of my career (in finance, so yes, I get it) and working 12-14 hours a day, frequently not getting home until 10PM only to do it all again the next day. I got home to a messy house, no food, nothing done and the same answers you're getting (when I got any) about the job search that day "I called so-and-so and might be meeting so-and-so for coffee next week". It was EXHAUSTING not to mention his expectations were that I make dinner and play Suzy Homemaker every day.

You know, the personality conflicts that have led him to be fired - yes, fired so many times, are only going to lead to the same personality conflicts that end your relationship. People don't like this man and you will get tired of being embarassed by how rude he is to your friends or co-workers or anyone else because they will see the same thing his previous employers saw if you don't see it first.

Meg1979 · December 2011

My H has been laid off twice in as many years (which is common in the auto industry), but he's been busting his tail looking for work. I think you get one pity week and then after that you have to be realistic and start looking. It's not being naggy, it's being realistic. He's got to meet you half-way.

Temp552270562505132 · December 2011

Honestly, I see this as a major red flag. what happens when you guys are married and have kids and he pulls this sh***? right?

this is a pattern. he wont change. and it sounds like he treats you like crap anyway. why waste more time?

clichequeen · December 2011

I am going through a similar situation (except that my husband quit his job because it was inconvenient), and am now separated. I have no solution myself, so I won't offer any advice and just say I feel your pain and am so sorry you're going through this.

UpNorthGal · December 2011

snailspace11:

Long-time lurker, first-time poster. My SO lost his job two months ago. This is the fifth time he's been unemployed in six years. I have been doing everything I can to be supportive. However, it can be tiring and stressful. I have never been unemployed for more than a couple of weeks so I can only imagine what he must be going through. Luckily, I am working full time, but I only make about half of what he was making.

I am having some issues with him, however. He has only applied to a handful (meaning about 4) jobs since becoming unemployed. He had two interviews with a company about a month ago and has not heard anything since. He keeps thinking that this is the job and will not apply anywhere else. I am supporting two of us making less than $40k a year and to me, this is not acceptable. Instead of job-searching, he plays video games and looks at naughty websites. He doesn't wake up until 1 most days and stays up until 3 or 4 at night. I understand that everyone needs down time, especially after a stressful event such as being laid off. However, I am working my butt off, trying to get as much overtime as possible and he just farts around all day waiting for this job that may or may not come through. I don't know how to convey to him that this is not acceptable behavior and I am frustrated without sounding naggy. Thank you for listening.

I'm not so sure that surfing porn and playing video games until 3-4AM is considered normal downtime for a grown man. If he has the time to do these things then he has the time to go out and pound the pavement or figure out a way to get trained for a different career. FWIW--I know someone who married a man like this (thought he was "different" and "fun"). 8 years later she's busting her (dumb) azz supporting this dude and their kids while he does daddy daycare (and she still does all the housework, laundry, etc.). Is this what you want your future to look like?

Move out and don't look back.

MrsKigerToBe · December 2011

My SO is also unemployed and has been for awhile. However, he is currently going back to school to get a grad degree, sub-teaching when he can, and takes my grandmother where she needs to go, watches my autistic brother as my mother needs, and takes my sister to her part time job since she doesn't drive when he is asked. He also keeps the apartment pretty neat most of the time and applies for many jobs (unfortunately is graduated with a BA in sociology with no network set up a year after the economy went into recession). What I am saying is the economy is tough, lay offs happen, but a person who is motivated does what they can to help out the family, bring money into the house, and get training so they can get a job they can keep.

How to deal with an unemployed SO?

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