Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
staying together for the kids
has anyone stayed in a bad marriage because they had kids. i am pregnant and very unhappy but struggling with what to do. i'm just wondering if anyone chose to stay for the sake of their children, and how did that go?
Re: staying together for the kids
I know someone that is a child of a couple that stayed together for the kids. They fight day and night and their kids have wished for years that they would finally break up and get a divorce, but now that they have wasted 30 years of their life on an already failed marriage their kids are afraid of what they'll if they ever do divorce. It is a weight that no child should have to bear but their kids have carried it with them for almost their entire lives because of this exact reason. Never stay for the kids.
Do the right thing, if you are unhappy, tell him, and if you two wanna work on it, you can, but do it for you, not for your kids. Chances are that the best thing for them is to see you happy and healthy. And it's your duty to give that to them.
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he knows i'm unhappy. we've been separated for 2 months. he says he wants to work it out but does nothing to prove it and hasn't made any changes. i feel so torn. on the one hand, i feel that my kids (i have a son from a previous marriage) and i deserve better, but on the other hand, i feel that not allowing for my daughter to have an intact family is wrong. he says he knows he's been wrong and will change, but he doesn't follow through with action.
What's your definition of "intact family", though? Great, you live in the same house and go through the motions of being married, but if you aren't happy - your kids will both grow up knwoing that AND they'll think that this is normal.
is that really what you want to teach your kids?
I really, really don't get how you think staying w/ your DH and being unhappy is actually being "intact".
I think both your kids deserve having a mother who is happy and hopefully a father who is also happy, and through that, the two of you can have a pleasant enough relationship that interacting w/ one another the few times you need to will be pleasant and a good experience.
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I'm the product of a "stay together for the kids" marriage and I can agree with this 100%. The fights and arguments that I and my brother had to witness were horrendous and it was so obvious that they should have divorced, but they never did. Get counseling, therapy, trial separations but if it doesn't work, DO NOT feel like you have to stay for the kids. Things with my parents got incredibly bad at one point and it is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I have fortunately forgiven my parents for what they put us through but my brother has not, and it's so heartbreaking. He harbors such ill will towards specifically my father, who's temper ruined our childhood, that he's still in therapy for it, at 24. Take a long, hard look at all your options, please and understand that what your kids need is a happy mother and a happy father. If that's not going to happen in your marriage, then you have to consider leaving.
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I grew up knowing that every Sunday morning my mom would throw my step-father out of the house after a violent argument. They've been miserable for almost 30 years but won't let each other go.
It screwed me up in relationships for a long time. It took a lot of work on my part and an understanding Dh to work through the issues from my childhood.
Don't do that to your kids.
This. If you've been gone for two months, you must've been unhappy for a few months before that. Why oh why get pregnant by someone with whom you're not happy?!
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My boyfriend and his ex-wife tried to stay together because they had a son. They and their son are all much happier now that they are divorced and amicable vs. together and miserable.
I don't know if my parents stayed together for us, I think it has more to do with codependence but my brother and I wished they would get a divorce, they fought constantly (and still do). Once my mom said "that's it, I'm leaving your father in the morning". I went to the car and got my sweater out because I didn't want him to take it with him. I cared more about my sweater than my parents splitting, that's how bad it was. My brother now has this weird "make it work no matter what" state of mind. He is in an awful marriage, it's so dysfunctional with both parties but he is determined to make it work because that's what he thinks is normal.
For what it's worth, my DH and his ex split when she was pregnant with their second. She let slip that she had been cheating so they split up. DH and I are very happy, she is happy with her boyfriend, we have a working relationship with her and boyfriend. The kids are 9 and 10, doing well in school, well adjusted and great kids. I think if you do split, it is VERY important for the parents to stay civil and not badmouth the other parent to the child. DH and his ex used to fight like cats and dogs (some badmouthing going on) but I put a stop to it on his end and she followed suit. I think if it hadn't stopped it would have put stress on the kids but as it is, they are just fine at both houses and DH and ex work together in their parenting. Ex and I get along, DH and boyfriend get along...it's better for the kids this way. It takes time to get to this point, but after you let it go, it really is so much less stressful.
I think everyone deserves to be happy, you shouldn't stay in a miserable situation. You'll give up your whole life to misery. Are you really prepared to do that? I wouldn't be. Good luck.
A few things:
#1: I come from a household where my parents should have divorced when I was 9 and my Dad finally left her when I was back at home after college at 22. It was soooo much worse being an adult who understood exactly what was going on and really got caught in the crossfire... I lived with them at the time and it was the worst time of my life without question.
#2: It taught me that it was "normal" for a relationship to be on eggshells and I was in a very similar relationship in college. My friends told me how crazy I was, but I didn't know that love could be any other way but painful. I am lucky to have realized this years later and did break that cycle for myself.
#3: My parents were miserable. My Dad moved out 12 or 13 years ago and they haven't even officially divorced yet. So, even though Dad is living with the same woman for those 12 or 13 years, my parents are still married. They don't speak to each other. They make it miserable for my brother and I who can't seem to have them both over for anything. My parents are still miserable. Why they insist on living this way is beyond me.
#4: They wasted over 20 years of marriage with each other being miserable and not out there looking for someone better suited for them. My mom still is damaged from all the pain she suffered and I think she has given up on having someone to grow old with. If they would have just given up years earlier, they could have found other loving relationships and as their child.... I really just wish that they both could be happy. (And being together was definitely NOT making either of them happy)
So, honestly... in my life experience, I wish my parents had divorced when I was young and found happiness. It is so hard for them to be so miserable because it is a huge burden felt as a child to always try to make them happy.
I am 7 months pregnant and have been separated for 2 months to answer those who asked why I got pregnant.
My gut feeling is to agree that my children and i would be better off if we get divorced. I think I struggle with it because I have many people who feel and tell me that I need to make it work for the kids.
This doesn't answer the question anybody asked. They question they asked was why you got pregnant with somebody who makes you miserable in the first place. Unless you're really saying that everything was sunshine and roses up until two months ago. Honestly, nobody will believe that.
That statement doesn't make sense . If they were in one then they would still "be in the experience " .
I am a stay at home step mother to a 3 year old. I have been in his life since he was 4 months old. H and I are pretty rocky right now and I am 99% sure I will be filing for a divorce in the next month. Like many of the other ladies said its better to be happy separate then together and be miserable . I look at it this way what would you tell you "daughter" (future daughter or what not) if she was in this relationship and you knew all the details? Would you tell her to leave? Most likely Yes. Than that's your answer. I think you already know the answer tho.
In my personal experience, people with this attitude are often not emotionally healthy people, and I think they're too scared to leave their unhealthy marriages and use the kids as an excuse.
Also, you can't "make it work" all on your own. You said your husband isn't willing to put any effort into making changes, so I don't see how it possibly could work. If you stay together under the status quo, things are only going to get worse for your kids because your resentment and unhappiness toward their father is going to grow. Look at how you feel right now and think about those feelings after another 10 years of dealing with whatever is making you so unhappy. Do you really think this is going to get better? An "intact" family with no love in it is a family in name only, and your kids are going to pick up on that.
It's entirely possible that nobody on this board is still in that situation or has stayed in that situation. You may not get those responses on this board. Why do you think it's a good idea to force yourself to stay in the situation? As many of us have told you, staying "for the kids" is actually worse for the kids in many, if not most, cases.
My mother was raised in a family that stayed together "because of the kid". My grandmother and grandfather were physically and verbally abusive to each other. Both parents were so overcome with their hatred for each other that they essentially neglected my mother. I know this is partially the reason for my mom's substance abuse problems.
Do you want your kid to be a crackhead one day?
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What does your therapist say?
If you don't have one, GET ONE.
I guess you could end up like my MIL. She and FIL didn't get divorced until their youngest child graduated from college. They should have divorced more than a decade before.
She is one of the most bitter women I know. She was very upset when her son got married because she always thought that he would come back to her and live with her. Facing that fact that she will be alone has been incredibly difficult for her. If you bring up dating, she will snap at you, "I made a vow!"
Is that what you are looking for?
You'll be hard-pressed to find someone like this here. May I recommend The Bump?
So you want to stay in your marriage for the kids, but you really don't give a damn about the kids?
Have six more children.
I'm from a "stay together for the kids" family too, and I agree 100% with this. I learned lots of bad patterns from witnessing my parents' completely dysfunctional marriage, and it caused me to have several really awful (verbally abusive) relationships before I sought therapy and figured out how to avoid these types of patterns. Your children learn what they see - if they see that mom and dad fight all the time, and dad verbally abuses mom, and mom takes it and stays, they will learn that this type of relationship is acceptable, no matter how much you tell them otherwise. Either make your marriage better or leave - don't stay for the kids and stay miserable.
I was of the "stay in it for the kid" mindset. Notice I say WAS.
I was willing to do anything it took to work on my marriage even though I knew my ex-h had several innappropriate relationships with women (including the one he now lives with). He was a manipulator and was verbally/emotionally abusive during the second half of our 11 year relationship. I kept thinking that I had made a commitment to this man ... for better or worse, right? Then one day he decided not to come home from work. When he finally came home stinking like alcohol and said he wanted t a divorce, I was devistated. I remember thinking how could he do this to me and our son? Didn't he know that once you have a kid together you have to work through everything? I wasn't thinking about the days when he'd yell at me in front of our son and my three year old would say, "Daddy, stop talking to mommy like that!" Why should a three year old have to feel like he has to stand up for mommy? He should be worried about being a kid!
That was two years ago this past October, and it was the BEST thing that ever happened to me (and to our son). No more nights of daddy yelling at mommy. We are friendly for our son's sake, but we have both moved on and are in new relationships. My new relationship is so much more healthy. I am with a man who respects me, takes care of me, takes care of my son and WANTS to be a part of my life. I am so much happier, and kids know that. A happy mommy = a happy kid.
So I did want to stay in if for my son, but I eventually didn't have a choice in the matter because ex-h walked out on us. And I am so glad he did.