Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: staying together for the kids
To put it simply: Actions speak louder than words. His actions are proving at this point, he doesnt want to put forth the effort to save your marriage. To have a HAPPY family whether married or divorced should be your top priority for your children. Children who are surrounded by parents that have tension sense and know it, no matter what the age is. It will affect them. You can raise children as a divorced parent and show the children what love and happiness truly means. Divorce is never easy on a child, at any age. Putting it off only makes it more stressful for the entire household. Do what you feel is right, but it sounds to me his actions have shown where he stands. Best of luck in your decision on providing you and your children a happy life!
Actually if you read above, I said I really appreciate the advice from the kids of these marriages. However, I would also like to hear from someone who is or has experienced this. If I didn't care about my kids, I wouldn't be struggling over this decision; it would be a no-brainer to leave.
Thank you. This is very helpful.
Thank you. This is very helpful.
Thank you. This is very helpful.
Thank you. This is very helpful.
Again, I said I appreciate the perspective from the kids and would like the perspective from someone who has been or in my situation AS WELL. no need to be nasty.
Actually I did answer it by saying that wasn't the case. Yes, looking back now, there were red flags that I guess I didnt' want to see. However, yes, all the serious problems started AFTER i got pregnant. Many people have asked me if I think his attitude and behavior is because he doesn't want to have a baby; but that doesn't make sense to me, because we planned this together.
I would never advise anyone to stay in a marriage where there is physical or emotional abuse, or drug/alcohol issues. That's not good for anyone, and I'd say run screaming.
As for the vague 'I'm not happy right now, we're struggling with money, life is really hard, we're just not connecting now that we have kids and money worries, it's not the same as it was when we were young, pretty and carefree', I'd say try harder to make it work, try harder to find the love between you, for the sake of the kids. Counselling, whatever. Divorce is brutal on children; and it's typical for marriages to go through a very difficult time when children are little, but to improve dramatically once everyone is sleeping and potty trained. Children from divorced homes have statistically higher rates of drug abuse, dropping out from school, teen pregnancy, not attending college, making poor choices, than children from intact homes, even when adjusting for various demographic factors such as income, race, etc.
So,to make a long story short, the issues are;
He thinks working is optional.
He thinks football and poker come first, then his family.
He is verbally abusive.
He refuses to stop smoking pot, which he says is no big deal.
And yes, all of this got 10 times worse AFTER i got pregnant.
So,to make a long story short, the issues are;
He thinks working is optional.
He thinks football and poker come first, then his family.
He is verbally abusive.
He refuses to stop smoking pot, which he says is no big deal. (and lies about it)
And yes, all of this got 10 times worse AFTER i got pregnant.
These are exactly the things I worry about regarding divorcing, and why I am struggling with this decision. Also he is very resistant to finalizing things and says he wants to work things out whenever I say i want to end it (while still continuing the same behavior). This just makes it even harder.
Yes, I'm sure this is true when considering children from all "intact" homes, which includes parents who are happily married. However, I would be interested to see a comparison between children from divorced homes and children whose parents are still married but maybe shouldn't be.
I have been the child of the constant fighting as well as the niece of it....these two households were the two i pretty much grew up in. My parents have since figured out how to work it out by seeing a therapist together, but thats because they both put in the effort. They still struggle, and it was hard to watch (not to mention load bearing and stressful as a kid)....and it definitely left an imprint on me leaving me with lots of bad habits i needed to break before i could even think about having a functional relationship.
I think the only way staying together for the kids will work is if you actually do it for one another...meaning you still love each other enough to try to save what you have because before there were kids there was each other. Working on your relationship in a healthy way so it resembles a healthy relationship is the best thing you can do...it sets a great example for your kids when they get older how to love someone. I think showing your kids that marriage takes work and can work if two people put the time in is also a great thing because all too many times people just walk away and that is what a kid sees...BUT it is way worse to stay together just because of the kids while hating each other. That just provides a lifetime of unneeded stress on the kids...and a very bad example of a relationship that they may never be able to shake. Sometimes leaving is the best thing and, believe it or not, more stable for them in the end.
In order for something to get 10 times worse, the behavior had to already be in existence. If you missed those red flags, fine, but don't continue to ignore them or you're going to be older, bitter, and with kids that get to deal with the long-term effects. Divorce isn't something people want to do, but sometimes it's what people should do. I don't have kids, but I'm a divorcee. It took me a long time to make peace with that decision, but it's one I do not regret. If I did have kids, I know I would not want them to be raised in a home where their pot-smoking, lazy-ass father yelled at me all day long.
As for him saying he wants to work it out - well, duh. He's a lazy-ass who wants someone to take care of him and his kids. He'll say whatever he has to say to get you to tough it out, but he certainly will not change. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Hi,
Long time lurker, that never posts. I am not trying to be snarky or mean, but OP I really want to shake you.
Do you think that your son will not learn the negative behaviors from your DH? That he will not be verbally abusive, that he will not think that working is optional, that family comes after having fun and smoking pot is a great past time? That it is normal to treat his partner like crap? Right now he is learning from the example of your DH. And what about your daughter? Do you think she will be able to find a partner that loves and respects her? Or will she end up with someone that will treat her the way your DH treats you?
You say that you are scared about the ramifications of divorce, everything Sue_sue listed is not a guaranteed result from you getting a divorce. But I can tell you from personal experience that if this is the example you set for your children, your son will act like your DH when he becomes an adult and your daughter will have a partner like your DH. Why are you not concerned with how the negative behavior from your DH is affecting your children?
You asked for opinions from women who have been in your situation. I have. I was the child from home with two unhappy parents. I was also the women who stayed for my child. What I learned from my mother not only caused me pain and suffering but it also caused my daughter pain and suffering. My ex was an abusive, pot smoking, non working alcoholic who made excuses for everything. Like you every time I said I was going to leave he would promise to change and that things would get better. They never did.
My daughter was 2 1/2 when I finally left. It was scary, it was hard but it was worth it. It is ok to be scared, but don't say that you only stay because you are worried about your children. You are doing more damage to them by staying. Be honest of why you are still there, then put on your big girl panties and change this unhealthy situation.
And once again, everything you list above is part of my struggle. I know he sets a terrible example for my son (who doesn't know about the pot by the way). Hence, this is why I struggle, because there are so many negative things to consider on both sides and many people telling me what I need to do on both sides. And whether you believe it or not, the reasons I haven't finalized anything yet are:
1. He keeps saying he is going to change, and I stupidly keep believing him. Given that, I feel guilty giving up when he says he wants to change, but i need to let him come home before he can do that (which i don't believe).
2. I worry that I made vows and planned with him to have a baby, that maybe I owe him another chance, and that maybe I owe it to my daughter to give him another chance.
For what it's worth, I am separated. He has not lived here for two months. The last straw was when my son asked me why he should go to school when my husband doesn't have to do anything. However, since he's been gone, he hasn't made any effort to change. My therapist and many others have told me that I need to realize that he's not going to change, and to either accept him the way he is or move on.
I'm not sure what you think is my real reason for staying, but I truly don't want to do this anymore, but struggle with whether I'm being selfish by ending it.
Run screaming.
I think you are right. I wish you the best of luck.
Ohh if that's the case well than let me tell you my story. My parents have always been miserable - not in love that I can tell and haven't been in a very long time. I grew up attracted to men who were distant and emotionally unavailable and did not know how to be/share closeness within my relationships. Not just romantic, but friendships as well. I have struggled a lot and been through a lot of hurt. I never learned how to take care of myself because they were always busy worrying what other people thought of them. I have spent almost 7 years in therapy learning to take care of myself and put myself first and make decisions that are happy for me. I have probably spent close to $30k on therapy to learn how to have healthy relationships, because they were not modeled to me by my parents.
This is what it has been like for me growing up with parents who stayed in a marriage just for the kids and appearance sake. It's been pretty downright miserable and a huge emotional hole I've had to dig myself out of in order to be healthy and attract healthy relationships.
Do you want your children going through this? I did seek out therapy, many people do not and the cycle continues to repeat itself. It's very sad.
1. How many chances have you given him? Why does he get one more? If he truly want to change, he will change now. He doesn't have to come home to change. He can stop smoking pot, he can get a job, can do things to show you that he is trying. But he is not, instead he is waiting for you to let him come back because you always let him come back without having to actually change.
2. You are not the only one that made wedding vows, he did too. Again, why do you owe him another chance? Why are you taking all this responsibility? You don't owe him a thing. You have given him a chance to change. As for your daughter, what you owe her is a safe and loving childhood, which you cannot do by staying with him. You are not responsible for his relationship with your daughter. You are responsible for yours with your daughter.
Get out now, continue therapy and figure out why you feel that you are not worth more. Listen to your therapist, he will not change. I don't know your reason for staying. It could many things, but I think you need to figure out who you are and how to be a strong mother. But this cannot be done with him holding you back.
I was in your situation, well considering styaing in it for the kids.
I then asked myself what I would say to my child if she came to me and asked me if she should stay in a horrible relationship for the sake of her child.
the answer was clear to me, I only want for her happiness...no matter what. I don't think that staying in a horrible relationship so that a child has 2 parents under one roof makes a HOME.
Having 2 HAPPY PARENTS under one/two roofs is more important than 2 miserable parents under one roof.
What would you advise your child to do?
You are right. I would tell my child that she deserves better.
In the last two months you have taken care of yourself and your child. You know you can do it on your own. Other than worrying about leaving him, have you been happier? Your daughter happier? It is probably a relief to not have to watch him and his lazy, pot smoking arse sitting around being a jerk.
He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming qualities. You might want to see about including supervised visitation for your child in the court order. Start documenting now. Good luck.
I mostly lurk here but I had to share.
My cousins were a product of a home that became like this. It took them years to forgive their dad for leaving and they're adults. My uncle was incredibly hard on them, and there were a lot of fights. I remember looking at my aunt and uncle when I was six and thinking that something clearly wasn't right there- mostly because that unhappiness was pervasive. Nobody could escape it.
I think that had that marriage ended sooner than it did it would have been hard, but as it is my cousins spent years dealing with emotional fallout. Thank God they're mostly past it now, but it was very hard for a long time.
My point is this. If you stay for the kids, what happens when the kids are gone? When they're grown? It may suck now, but trust me, the longer you wait the harder it gets.