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differences between your upbringing vs your partner?
I am curious about this. My DH and I could not come from more different families and our childhoods were so different:
Me: Born to unwed single mom, no money, very unstable situation in every way, alcoholism, abuse, you name it. Not such a good start but I'm doing fine now. I have been on my own from a young age. Everyone in my extended family is divorced (including my own mom who married when I was young).
DH: Grew up in very stable two parent home. Lots of family vacations, events lots of love. Not a single divorce in his whole very large family. Lived at home well into his 20s (seems quite normal in his culture, he's from another country).
Do you and your partner come from vastly different family backgrounds? And if so, does it cause issues (for me it actually generally does not).
Re: differences between your upbringing vs your partner?
We are opposite!
Me: 2 parents working, no divorces in family. raised well, taught many things, lived far away from extended family but always had great times when we were with them.
Him: raised mostly by his grandpa and intermittently by his mom. got into sex/drugs very very early. physical abuse in family, no one cared. etc.
It's so weird. I always tell him I will teach him things that kids learn since he didn't have a childhood. He doesn't know any childhood songs or lullabies, nor had he ever made rice krispy treats and that sort of thing. But we are oddly similar otherwise!
DH and I also come from completely different backgrounds. It has not affected our relationship at all, but the recent discussion of having or not having a child has erupted a volcano of issues. All of these issues stem directly from my parents' issues and the things I went through as a kid. I never agreed with people blaming their parents for their own issues, but now I can relate a little.
I'm calling it the path of enlightenment
H's mom was a SAHM (and his & SIL's teacher). They were home-schooled until 10th grade. Money was tight and their dad traveled a lot for work.
My parents both worked full time. Neither traveled for work. Money was tight for us too but only because their were 5 kids.
Me: :Parents married 47 years ,SAHM, family trips, huge family gatherings, multilingual family, we were middle class, holidays and traditions galore. 4 sisters im the oldest, all public school educated, all college degrees, family still all within 40 min. of each other. Raised going to church and parents were fairly religious, grew up in city or close to it...lived in only 2 homes entire childhood.
Him: single mom, father lived abroad, oldest of 5 boys, moved around a lot mostly down south, large family but spread across country and europe and south america, mother religious brought up going to church, public school educated and boarding school, had live in nanny, mom worked in higher ed., both mother and fathers families were wealthy, multilingual family
Me: Parents both divorced multiple times, grew up in an upper-middle class LARGE family. I'm the oldest of 5 children, but I was the only one to do the private school thing. I've done the whole country club, cotillion, ballet, art class, sailing lesson thing. Currently, the divorces left my mother on the lower end of the middle class spectrum while my Dad keeps marrying up. I've done the whole etiquette class thing.
Him: Parents, blue collar, divorced when he was young, his Dad lives in Arizona while his Mom lives up here. He did the public school thing until college; he graduated from the private university I'm at currently. He's an only child, family came into wealth when he was younger but he doesn't live/act like he has money mainly because he didn't grow up in the upper-middle class world.
Me: Grew up Catholic, parents were married until 2 years ago, tight extended family that lived close by (5 minutes away in some cases). Two much younger siblings, both with special needs.
Him: Adopted. Adopted parents never married, but are still together. Only child, who only saw grandparents on special occasions (like graduations)
We are quite different.
I came from a white collar family--lots of trips to the theater, the opera, etc. My parents were total hippies and civil rights workers. My mother was a Freedom Rider. My parents used to hold meetings for the Black Panthers at their house. My parents were pretty much against organized religion, but my mother is Jewish and we did go to all of the family celebrations of Passover and Yom Kippur. Education is highly emphasized in my family.
My husband's parents were blue collar, both were fairly anti-Semitic and against women's lib and civil rights. They were very religious and involved in their church. No one in his family was educated beyond maybe a year of trade school after high school. His BIL and sister still make remarks that offend me about liberals (I'm about as far left as you can be and so is my H) and about gay people and immigrants.
My H is much more like me and my family than he is like his own.
Same here. It's weird.
Oh boy....where do I even start? lol
me: 3rd generation Italian-American. My mom married right out of school, had me at 18, divorced when I was about 2, but then remarried not too long after and my step-father has always treated me as his own. My parents aren't poor, but they aren't rich either. They do tend to spend beyond their means, which I never really noticed as much as a child, but as an adult, I see how they've made some bad moves financially and made it a point to not go down the same path in my own life. I have one younger brother who is 17 years younger than me. He's awesome - I feel like the 3rd parent sometimes but I feel blessed to have a brother. I've always had a good relationship with my parents and once I moved out on my own, they never really interfered in my life. In the sense where they don't tell me how to live my life or what to do. They respect my choices and boundaries. They are always there if I need advice, but they never give unsolicited advice at all. The rest of my family is cool - good people and nothing too out of the ordinary with them. Same deal - they are there if I ever need advice. My one uncle and I are close like that since we are close in age, so sometimes I will go to him to get advice if it's something I think my parents might not be able to help with. We did have some family drama involving the death of my other uncle, but I think everyone has moved on for the most part. I would say we're a typical Italian-American family.
My hubby, on the other hand: 1st generation Romanian/Armenian. He was born here, but his brother was not and they all came here from Romania before hubby was born. Grandparents lived in the same house as the parents. This is very typical for Eastern European families supposedly. They speak both languages in the house - they speak english too, but only when there are others around that don't speak their languages. His family is not rich, but not poor either - and they do travel a lot. Nice family, and his parents would do anything for you, but they also are very overbearing and in his family, there's no boundaries. They also seem to be all about 'appearances'. Like to go somewhere as simple as a store, it's a big production where my mil is way overdressed. I guess I was just not brought up that way - I'm a down to earth, casual kind of person and so is the rest of my family.
It's hard for me to say that some of the things I've noticed in his family are not normal, because they are nice people, but what I consider to be normal based on my own experiences growing up, is obviously not what they consider to be normal. It's definitely a hard adjustment for me because I don't like people being all up in my business, but keeping anything to yourself apparently does not exist in his family....it would take all day to get into everything I've been through with them - it's a lot. I try to be understanding because I know it's more a cultural thing than anything else. But yes, the differences have caused some issues over the years...nothing that I can't handle at this point after 8 1/2 years
Our differences were mostly economic. My parents are both college educated or beyond and work in healthcare. I would say we were upper middle class and I had a lot of things come my way that were really fantastic experiences to have as a child and I fully recognize that. We were exposed to all sorts of culinary adventures, had an appreciation of music and the arts, did some traveling, etc.
DH's parents are high school educated and he grew up in a trailer park. Money was extremely tight (still is). No trips, no travel, no college. DH has a technical degree but it never occurred to him to get anything beyond that because that just wasn't what they did in their family. He has several cousins who never finished high school which still just kinda blows my mind. Before we met, I didn't know a single person who hadn't finished high school who wasn't my grandparents age!
Core value wise - our families are pretty similar. We both knew that our parents loved us unconditionally and supported our goals and dreams. They were active and engaged in our lives and were over all, pretty good role models for us.
I will bite.
We are vastly different, and yes, it has caused problems. We really have to work together as a team to raise our children and our values/core beliefs tend to be similar NOW, but it's taken some bumps in the road to get there.
DH: youngest child of a wildly dysfunctional family, had a mom and dad (divorced when he was 16) but they both were cheating on each other throughout their marriage. He has one real sister, and a slew of half-and step-siblings from his parents and their different partners. Grew up in suburbia, was given lots of "things" and stuff growing up, but barely saw his parents. No family vacations. No dinners out. Lots of fast food in his room for meals, and pizza, while his parents were out doing whatever. After his parents divorce, he was on his own and was told college was stupid and a waste of time. He got student loans, went to college, and became a teacher on his own. Dad passed away in 1999, mom is now on marriage #5. Many of his siblings are having children with multiple partners, and never marry. Also lots of divorce, infidelity, and other issues within his family, like unemployment, bankruptcy, and trying to scam out of work by suing people.
Me: oldest child of two parents....dad a teacher and a volunteer firefighter. Mom was a SAHM who babysat for extra money, then worked as an EMT and now as a treasurer once we were all out of high school. Grew up in an extremely small town rural area. My parents have been married 40 years. Two younger brothers. Strict super Catholic upbringing with lots of rules and boundaries, and tons of family time. Vacations. Some travel and exposure to arts and plays and sports. Not a ton of money while we were young, but my parents put away money for us to go to college, and then helped pay for our weddings. Now my parents are solidly upper middle class, and doing well, and have a well thought out retirement and plenty of time for themselves. Always stressed the value of education in our house. We have divorces within our extended family, ie, aunts, uncles, and cousins. There are some family skeletons like drunk driving and infidelity as well....
DH does tend to fit into my family values easier than his own.....he wanted a college education, he wanted to get married BEFORE he had children, and now wants to raise our kids in suburban life but with a strong belief in education and opportunities. He thinks it is just fine for our kids to get student loans, and I believe we should help them pay for college....we compromised on that one, and now save for their education. I did not like the Catholic church, and he had no religious exposure, so we compromised and joined a nondenominational Christian church that we both enjoy and our kids can attend. The one big major hurdle that we cannot overcome is DH's love of "stuff" and showering our kids with gifts and things.....he thinks it is how you show love, and I disagree. We both spend a ton of time with our kids, and I value that more than any gift or item. He thinks Christmas morning should be a gift-fest, and with me growing up with less money, I say a few wanted items and a big family breakfast together mean more than presents.....so we set a budget each year, and he ALWAYS goes over and I have to look the other way. He thinks THINGS are important, and I think people are important, and relationships matter more than a big-ticket item. I think a lot of it stems from him only getting stuff/gifts growing up, and he thinks that is the answer to things, but I can't break the habit and will likely get a slew of gifts on Christmas rather than a small token item, like a bottle of perfume, and a nice letter saying thanks for what you do.....if I got something like that, I love it. DH would say it was the worst Christmas ever if he got a letter and a small item. So we are working on it.....
Our families are very similiar, actually, but there is one major difference that has caused some friction in the past. It actually continues to bother us.
His family taught him, basically, that "family is everything". They are very close, and are basically encouraged to stick around the area and raise their children close by grandparents and extended family. It's really sweet how my husband was raised--his maternal grandmother was his neighbour, and his grandma was just down the road. These commitment feelings run deep, however. His cousin's family moved around the states in search of better and more lucritive career opportunities while his cousins were growing up, and they've always been looked down upon as "putting career before family". I couldn't even wrap my head around that. I often get the feeling that my husband--in moving to Canada--feels like he is abandoning his family. Turns out, that this little family we've created in Canada means more to DH than his PA one.
My family, on the other hand, encouraged my brother and I to "fly the coop" so to speak, as soon as we could. My family has lived in 5 different countries while my brother and I grew up, and--while we loved our extended family, we rarely saw them. We'd see my cousins once a year--which was fantastic, and I love them to death--but we all lived quite far apart. We eventually settled in Canada, but both my brother and I pretty much assumed we'd continue travelling and living wherever our hearts desired. I was living in Finland at the time I met my now DH, and thought I was going to stay there. Turns out I love DH more than Finland.
So I'm a gypsy and he's a homebody. We've had to make a lot of compromises--like, we now live in Canada (this is a compromise for both of us)--but we're making it work. I still get annoyed when DH mentions that he feels like we should settle in PA, and he still gets annoyed when I mention Finland or any other country. But we make it work.
We grew up 1 street away from eachother (without knowing eachother!) in similar styled homes both with firm parents, however, also a very different kind of home life as well.
DH's parents and really a lot of his extended family members are not "warm" IMO. My family gets together constantly & we all know each other's business. My family are huggers and when DH's parents greet me, it is awkward - I lean in to hug and they kind of do a half hug/put out one arm to shake? Umm...it's wierd, lol.
This really doesn't effect our relationship. We are open communicators and I think what's important is that we are both aware of our family's differences and able to laugh at them.
The only "issue" that I can pinpoint that has maybe stirred some arguing in our relationship is the household chores (which we have come a long way on!). In the beginning of our relationship, my DH wouldn't "automatically" do things (i.e. if dishwasher was full unload it, pick up, etc.) but now he is better. I was raised in a very tidy home & these things were 2nd nature for my brother & I. DH was raised in a home where, if they left for vacation for a week, thought nothing of leaving a sink full of dirty pots & pans. *Shudder*
H: Grew up with a SAHM and his dad was away alot for work since he worked on the railroad. His family had money, not overly rich, but could afford a nice house. He only has one brother.
Me: my parents both worked. We lived in a trailer court. My parents didn't have much money but there was always food on the table. They divorced when I was 14. I took care of myself alot. I am the only child.
Our differences come up alot when we argue.
All i'm reading here is , blah blah blah look what I have done, he has done, money money! Sature... private school, upper middle class . WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?!
Dramatically different in some, similar in others.
Both our moms were SAHM, but mine always had a life outside kids (volunteered, got a degree, eventually went back to work, friends, hobbies, etc) so my sibs and I are pretty self-sufficient. On the other hand, my MIL revolved her life around the kids. That has caused some crazy empty nest issues with MIL. Also there are certain processes DH doesn't know how to do or just doesn't notice need done - MIL did literally everything. DH is not lazy, he just doesn't think "oh, the hamper is overflowing, maybe I should start a load of laundry". He just notices, "oh, the hamper is overflowing". Drives me nuts sometimes, but we're working on it - if I ask DH to do the laundry he will. I just don't want to always ask. He recognizes it and is working on being more attentive to house details.
DH's parents also (by his account) fought a lot and in front of the kids. I have never seen my parents fight. Disagree yes, but never fight. Inlaws apparently would get into screaming matches. DH has never screamed at me, but he can be really irritating to argue with because he does not want to disagree so he will try to avoid issues.
Not that I wouldn't have married a person from a vastly different background, but the fact that our families are fairly similar has made things easier for us in many ways.
Me: working-class poor family, I'm the oldest of 2 kids, mom stayed at home with us until I was a teenager. Parents still married although dad's an alcoholic. Dad is a lapsed Catholic; mom protestant. We did not attend church as a family, but spirituality was important. Education was important and it was expected that we would go to college, even though neither parent did.
DH: working-class poor family, 4th of 5 kids, mom stayed home until kids were in high school. Parents still married. Dad observant Catholic who forced religion on rest of family. Education was given lip service; boys were expected to go to college while girls were supposed to find a husband.
I'm finding everyone's experience's really interesting.
brhinkle -. tommas11 is just sharing her experience and this isn't at all how i read her post sounds to me like you are jealous.
Hmm let me see
ME: parents are still married, raised in a Christian household ( although my mom's side of the family is Jewish), father was a Chiroprctor, mom went to college for about a year, oldest of 7 children, going to college was really not an option for me. Public school educated
Him: parents are divorced, also raised in a Christian household but his family was a lot stricter. He wasn't allowed to listen to music that wasn't hymns and wasn't allowed to go to movies. I think he said the first movie he saw was Twister and he had graduated from high school at that point. He also remember getting spanked for listening to La Bamba
Oldest of 3 kids. I think the biggest different is education. He graduated from a Christian high school but they never really encouraged anything beyond high school and I think his dad actually has a chip on his shoulder about higher education. In fact, his brother is realizing a life long dream of graduatiing from the police academy this week and his side of the family can't be bothered to attend the ceremony. This just made my husband very sad for his brother. If we didn't live halfway across the country, we would do what we could to attend.
No. My H and I come from parents who have been married 40+ years and are still madly in love. We had stable upbringings, tons of love, vacations every year, great family holidays, no drama, lots of stability.
None of our siblings are divorced either. Everyone in each of our families is very stable.
Me: poor childhood, upper middle-class teenagerhood. My parents had me young and went to school at nights when I was a kid to get their education and work their way up the career world ladder. My parents are married. Very liberal. They encouraged me to go to university, travel the world, etc. I have three sisters and my dad is always raving about how his girls are so smart and determined and can be doctors, lawyers, whatever they want. I was helping my dad out at his office once when his receptionist was away on vacation and you should have seen the death stare one of his employees got from him when the employee told my dad he should hire me full time- my dad made it painfully clear that he thought his eldest daughter was destined to become more than a receptionist and that he thought it was quite the insult that the employee would have the nerve to suggest otherwise. I thought he was going to fire the guy on the spot (for the record, before someone flames me, I would have no problem working as a receptionist- I only mention this in contrast to how my husband was raised, below). My dad in particular was quite anti-religion. I was the oldest of four, although with such a large age gap between me and my siblings, I was an only child for most of the time I lived at home. Urban/suburban living.
Him: poor family- six kids in a single-wide trailer. His bedroom was the shed in the backyard. Very religious- Jehovah's Witness. Never taught to value education, post-secondary education. Anti same-sex marriage. Pro male "head of household" and wifely submission. His parents divorced shortly after he moved out. All kids were pretty much told to expect to work as fast-food clerks, etc, and only worry about how much time they spend serving Jehovah, as the world would surely come to an end before they could possibly graduate from university. They were told to marry young and procreate quickly. Second-to-youngest of six, rural living, lots of outdoor activities (fishing, camping, hiking, etc).
It doesn't cause problems because my husband doesn't identify at all with how he was raised- the values he was brought up with didn't really take. We're not that close to his family as a result.
We're actually scarily similar in a lot of ways. Both of us are the eldest of three, both of us married after our younger siblings were already married (some with kids, and my starter marriage doesn't count. Really), and neither of us wanted kids. We're similar in a lot of other ways, too, but that's OT for this post.
Families: both college educated (all four parents) with military histories, both high middle class, both parents worked. Both fathers work(ed) in the medical field (my father is a widower and is, I believe, scared of the thought of retirement). Both Jewish (traditionally, not obsessively), with modern/liberal views on most issues, and no history of drugs/alcoholism/abuse, etc. Other than the fact that his family is born and bred American, and my family moved here from Israel when I was a kid, they're eerily similar. It's made getting used to being married (again) strangely easy and I'm not complaining at all!
Me: working-class, single-parent household, parents divorced after 5 kids, not a lot of money. Also a lot of dysfunction: alcoholism, cheating, depression, not a stable household. My mom and dad both worked two jobs and weren't around a ton. However, 4/5 of us have higher education degrees, 3/5 of us got masters and law degrees. Education was highly valued and although my parents didn't have degrees, they really stressed it for us and we played Jeopardy everyday, had library cards and books. I was raised in Chicago on the southside, so I've always had a lot to do and I get really bored inside. I need to live in a walkable neighborhood. My dad is liberal/my mom conservative - most of my intemediate family is liberal, except for my brother.
Him: SAHM and middle-class household in the country, not college educated but live in a very nice house and have a small family business. Three kids. Very stable marriage, very clean house (mine was not). His mom and dad gave their kids things, like cell phones and cars and try to make things easier and safer. His mom doles out a lot of advice -- my family doesn't really do that. It's "every man for himself." I used to move myself out of my college dorms every year, took myself to college orientation and paid for a lot of my education. His parents paid for all of it.
I would say I probably could use some therapy to deal with my life. It comes up a lot. I am more independent and artsy. They have more of a family unit and I resent that sometimes. We're also insanely compassionate and open and his can be a little judgemental. I like both our families and am happy that my husband had a good stable childhood.
H's upbringing: both parents worked hard and were very comfortable middle class. H had 1 brother who's always been around but never really close b/c he's 19 years older. Everyone in his immediate family went to college. Everyone went to public schools. Focus on "band", a little soccer, academics. The family would take an occasional big vacation every 5-8 years with lots of local, frequent activities (IE go to the fair, out to dinner frequently, etc.). Very, very family oriented, parents still together almost 50 years.
My upbringing: SAHM until I was in 3rd grade, Dad worked and we lived upper-middle class. 1 brother 3 years older-extremely close growing up. Had ponies/horses growing up around the corner at family farm. Lots of athletics-lacrosse, field hockey, riding, polo, dappled in soccer-did them all at some point. Few people in my family went to college however all successful entrepreneurs. We both went to private schools since kindergarten. Minimal dining out unless special occasion, lots of friends coming to the house, skipped things like the fair most years. Nice vacation every 1-2 years +annual trip to family ranch in AZ. Parents divorced just after 25 years.
DH and I were raised pretty similarly as far as 'morals' and family involvement is concerned. Divorce is not common in either of our families, both of our parents are still married (although his parents have a much better marriage than mine do). We both had two siblings and were all raised doing a lot of family activities together.
The differences lie in where we grew up. I was raised in the city (in a not so great neighborhood, but my parents were very involved with crime prevention & police programs) and DH was raised in very small towns. His family also had slightly more money growing up, they vacationed a few times to Europe (his grandma is French and his dad was born there too, so they have family there), Hawaii, etc whereas my family's idea of a vacation is camping for a week in the same exact campground every year or going to the lake on weekends.
The differences haven't cause any issues in our marriage because DH moved to the city before we met and I like to travel. So for the most part, we align pretty well with our upbringing and agree that that's the same way we'd like to raise our children.
We are similar on the surface, miles apart in the nitty gritty.
In common: During our entire lives we were the only ones we knew with their "original" set of parents. Both fathers had military background during war time but by the time we grew out of toddlerhood our fathers were civilians. SAHM for a portion (mine later went to work). Upper lower class economy in our early lives, lower middle by the time we were teens.
DH: Supportive family, strong convictions, faith based upbringing and morals/ethics were the norm. Both his parents had individually and successfully overcome huge things in their own upbringing that would normally "excuse" people for their poor lifestyle choices. They went on to use that strength to raise a strong family. Discipline included corporal punishment. Church every Sunday, limited television, strict limits on other medias...but kids were basically playing in the neighborhood or exploring the woods...lots of freedom in that sense.
Me: Not supportive family, us against them mentality. Faith was intermittenly introduced every so often. Neither parent faced personal crisis or struggles until they were young adults. Did not instill a strong sense of family outside of loyalty and judgement. Discipline included corporal punishment, but also included hitting in anger, inconsistencies in what was punishable and what the punishment would be. Church was more of a front and a non-constant. TV was always on, some limits for kids when younger, not so much after. Boys in family were allowed freedom, girls were not. (Not sure how deliberate that was, however, and how much was "that's just how it turned out.")
The differences did have an affect on our marriage and the upbringing of our children...some of those affects were easier than others, only a few became issues but were eventually resolved.
Differences are mostly economic... DH grew up in a wealthy village on Long Island and his parents have waterfront property on LI Sound. My dad's a teacher and my mom stayed home until the youngest was in school full time, so we had necessities (and some wants here and there) but money was usually tight.
My parents erred on the the side of giving us too much leash to make our own decisions, whereas my inlaws can be constrewn as helicopter parents (although they've gotten MUCH better in that regard the past couple of years).
But overall the core values between both families are the same. They just have different perspectives and way different personalities. The two families do not get along, but I've always had a great relationship with my parents and I absolutely love my inlaws now that we worked thru a few stumbling blocks.
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Me-I come from a very theatrical and in all seriousness, gay family! We all talk loud, express our opinions and our holidays usually had a theme, and of course I can't forget all of us singing around the piano. I'm originally from CT and we spent all our time in NYC (which is where we are now). I'm very lucky because we can talk about anything and everything, we're very open. If you need advice, someone is there. If there was a problem, we'd talk about it.
DH-Comes from a very reserved family. I mean they NEVER talk about anything. If someone is making a big decision in life or needs opinions, all you'll hear is, "That's nice." I don't mean to be mean, but the holidays are so boring there. They don't even play some background music. They are also the type that seems to loath NYC (also from CT), they can't imagine why anyone would want to live there. We plan on being here for a very long time and having kids here. His family keeps telling me (and not my DH) that we can't raise a child in the city. It's our decision, not theirs! I really don't think any of his family will visit us.
You should have seen our families at our wedding.
For some reason this reminds me of something about my extended family (since I have no immediate family that I am in touch with) vs DH's. Mine are very loud in every sense of the word.. Everyone in my family is uber DONE every day - full makeup, hair etc. - I'm less so but still, I don't answer the phone without makeup so I'm bad too.
When I visit my grandmother, I make sure to wear the brightest lipstick I own - she always comments on it and it seems to make her so happy!
DHs family is more reserved although they are very warm people. But put me next to any woman in his family and I look and feel like a Las Vegas showgirl. I bet they think I am super flashy!