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Advice Please!! Inlaws blowing up our phones
Please advise... My husband's parents have this habit of blowing up our phones, either calling mine, his, mine, his, or just calling his phone 3-4 times within 10-30 minutes, until we answer, to ask or tell us mundane things.
Case in point: We've lived here for a year, and last night, we finally had two neighbors from across the street over to our house for dinner. My MIL called my phone, and as we were actually at the table eating dinner, I ignored it. Then my FIL called my husband's phone 3 times in 5 minutes. What for? They were out christmas shopping and wanted to know my shoe size. I don't want shoes. I didn't ask for shoes. I am starting hospital rotations next semester, and will only be wearing this one pair of water proof shoes, but shoes aren't even the point. I called back on my husband's phone, and my FIL was blowing up at me, asking my shoe size 5 or 6 times. I asked, "What is the emergency?" (what's your shoe size?) "FIL, we can't answer our phone right now, because we have company, and please stop calling us, we'll call back when they go home" (but you're on the phone now, what's your shoe size?) "That's not the point, we're at the table, actually in the process of eating dinner, we'll call you back when we can" "(This is ridiculous, you just need to tell me a shoe size, how hard can it be???) At which point, I said "This is really frustrating to me and I need to go now." The company was gone from our house by 7:45pm, and we would have called them back right then. But all of this went down and we were too exhausted to deal with them last night.
We don't want anything for christmas, we don't want anything from them but maybe a nice meal and some good quality family time around the house, and his dad had the nerve to CORNER MY HUSBAND AT A FUNERAL THIS MORNING TO YELL AT HIM about all of this, even cussing at him. And he's on the staff of the church, so nice job jeopardizing his job.... He actually said some things, many of which were implicating that "we wouldn't be receiving anything for christmas from them." AS IF THAT MATTERS. All we want for christmas or any other time is mutual affection, peace and respect. It's not like we never call them back, usually it's that evening or the next afternoon. BUT IT'S NOT THEIR DECISION WHEN WE SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T BE ACCESSIBLE TO THEM, right? (:-) I'm actually asking that as a question, because they and "some of their friends" are of the opinion that we're just being awful children.
What to do, what to do? How do we get them to see that the it's never personal, malicious, devious, out-to-get-them, or condescending, that we sometimes are unable to answer our phones.
He actually told my husband that it's not the caller's responsibility to call once and leave a message when it's not a good time: it's the recipient's responsibility to turn off their phones when they don't want to be bothered. Which he knows we can't do...I'm a caregiver for two members of my family who have health issues, I need the phones on so I can go over there if something happens like a key drops and they can't retrieve it, or they can't get their prescriptions at the pharmacy that day... even then, THEY still call once and leave a message if I can't answer, but it's not like we deliberately screen every call.
Please advise, anyone who's been here. (additional info: he's the oldest, so maybe his parents are just having growing pains... even so, I feel like some more grace is called for in this situation...)
Re: Advice Please!! Inlaws blowing up our phones
So, why did you answer? Just to make sure no one was in the hospital ... and when you realized its was trivial, you refused to answer the question?
Yes, I get it. You only wanted to respond or be available if it was 'important' .. but you could only find-out if it was 'important' if you answered ... but once you did, you didn't want to indulge his rude behavior by giving him what he wanted. So - no shoe size for him! And yes, shoes are a terrible gift b/c they fit so oddly.
So, you have to decide if you are willing to wait until you are AVAILABLE to answer or if you are going to "check" each time ILs blow-up your phones.
This is really about YOU and your willingness to defer your availability. He already TOLD you that he will not control himself. So, you have all the information you need to proceed. Sorry he's being an assshole. He doesn't care.
You're absolutely right. My husband is here with me, we're just both really grateful to see some feedback that confirms what we have been interpeting from the situation. FIL's taken it so far to try to get H to come over o their house, alone, so they can talk about how I'm trying to isolate him, prevent contact with his parents, blah blah. He told them, if you want to talk to either one of us, you'll talk to us both or neither of us. Thank you for the sound evaluation--actions are louder than words, and his actions do tell us that he doesn't care enough to respect our privacy.
This is totally annoying, but what I would do is get a phone that you can put on silent. That way you can silence it when necessary--like during dinner. If you are concerned about missing an emergency, maybe you could put it on vibrate. Then once it goes off and you see it is them again, hit the side button that silences it.
Clearly they aren't going to stop calling so the next best solution is to stop hearing the calls, IMO.
Also, if I were you, I would have just told him the shoe size. It's one syllable (or two if you're a 7).
Block their number so only DH can get their calls. If you don't want to go that far then as soon as you see their # flip the call to ignore. I would be furious if they put my DH's job in jeopardy. Glad he is not going over there and standing up to them.
I do think it took longer for you to argue about it than to answer the question, so next time do not answer the phone. One day they will need you to answer and all this crying wolf and badgering is going to bite them.
IMO in the situation you described, you are just making the situation worse. Either answer the phone to actually talk to them or don't answer the phone at all. I don't think it would have been that hard to tell him your shoe size and I think you only made yourself look petty by refusing to give them the info. Also, why did you call them back and not your DH?
If you are busy then don't answer their calls. Call them back when you are free. If they give you grief, just say you weren't available to take a phone call and if it is important, they should leave a message. Repeat this every single time. They will get the point.
Your ILs are rude for calling over and over. That said, you were rude to answer the phone, lecture FIL, and refuse to answer his question. This is one of those situations where your own behavior plays a role in the conflict. You're not 100% in the right here.
What you should have done, and should do in the future, is simply not answer the phone. If the ILs question it, simply say you were busy and remind them that they can leave a message.
And yes, you can put your phones on silent.Your excuses for not doing so for a few hours are weak. If you go to a move or fly on a plane, you're phones would be off for a similar amount of time. And you'd be just fine.
I'm really surprised by some of the answers in this thread. OP, I totally get why you didn't give them your shoe size. You didn't want to encourage the behavior and were trying to set a boundary. Should you have answered the phone? No. You should have just let them call and call until they gave up. But you had company and that's really annoying. I understand wanting to pick up and I thought what you said was perfect. You weren't rude or attacking, you simply stated your position, hence setting and enforcing a boundary - something I see people telling others here all the time to do. Also, good for your husband for standing up to his parents and backing you up. That's more than a lot of women who come here have, so you are already ahead of the game.
You say you have people you are caretakers for, and that's why you can't silence your phones. However, I don't see why you can't silence them for an hour or so while you are waiting on them to give up calling. That would probably be my best advice to you. Like a PP said, they've learned if they continue calling, you or your DH will eventually pick up. Just stop taking the phone calls when you aren't available and ignore the phone ringing over and over again until they stop. Call them back when you have time. And as far as this conversation, I would calmly tell them you will no longer be answering the phone when they call repeatedly like that, and continue to state it over and over. If they try to argue, just leave. Stay calm and don't give in.
Good luck to you. I have a very overbearing MIL that we constantly have to set boundaries with so I understand. You give an inch and they will take a mile so just be firm. Although I have to ask, is it just your FIL that is so awful? (Because you make no mention of your MIL here but you say it's a problem with the IL's). Maybe having your DH discuss this with MIL if she is more calm and logical would help.
This brought up an idea - cell phones have ring tones that you can set for certain ppl. Maybe you could set a ring tone for the people you take care of, and a ringtone for your IL's. ?? If they keep blowing up your phone, maybe a trac phone would be better for the people you take care of - a completely different emergency number.
I don't know what kind of phone you have, but, there is an app in the android market called Mr. Number. It allows you to have certain calls blocked or sent to voicemail at any time you choose. It will also send a text to those calling letting them know that you are unavailable and will call when you are free. It sounds like this may be a viable option for you. I'm going to include a link to the android market so you can take a look- https://market.android.com/details?id=com.mrnumber.blocker&feature=search_result#?t=W251bGwsMSwyLDEsImNvbS5tcm51bWJlci5ibG9ja2VyIl0
Hope that this helps you.
Cancer sucks.
Well I can see both sides. On one hand, the people you are caretakers for can wait and hour or so to find their keys or to get a prescription right ? I don't know maybe not. I know you don't want to encourage your ILs bad behavior and I agree with thatr but answering the phone is not the best way to do it. Ignoring it, is the best way to do it.
Again, do what you can to ignore their calls until you are ready to talk to them.
hahaha, thanks for your input, real sincere. Enjoy your life.
I'm so sorry about your MIL; I lucked out when it comes to MILs, she's pretty good as far as they go, when and if she's had a problem, she keeps it to herself unless it's actually worth bringing up, she's not petty. I guess Karma owed me one for that, and is exacting its price via making us deal with a difficult FIL instead. (One of them had to be a drama queen, I guess it's FIL for me.)
I think what your In Laws do is just plain wrong but it is your DHs job to speak with them and put a stop to it.
On the other hand your lack of respect to your In Laws is disturbing to me. I would never speak to my husband's parents the way you did and refuse to give them information because they didn't follow your rules.
Oookay. Not really open to constructive criticism are you?
So you actually returned your FIL's phone call at a semi-convenient time to yourself, because you were concerned there might be something urgent?
And as part of clarifying the urgency, you couldn't simply answer the shoe size question?
yeah that's odd to me.
You can set the inlaws to vibrate or silent and the other numbers to ring. That would be preferable over them getting a ring tone imo
Agree!
And I wouldn't of called back until the friends left. Just turn the ringer down on your phone so you can't hear them calling.