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Divorced Nesties - let me pick your brain.
I have questions that I know I can get a variety of answers and then decide...
1. Wedding dress- what did you do? I'd like to sell. Paid <500
2. That stupid cake cutting set/champagne glasses-trash?
2. Wedding rings (Agreement is I keep)- I'm thinking of selling the bands and making the E-ring into a necklace for the diamond.
3. We're agreeing on all the property split/what he is going to pay for and writing it all down and getting it notarized at legal. Hopefully we can bring that paper to the lawyer for mediation. Did you do something like this?
4. What kind of divorce did you do and how much did it cost (He has agreed to pay for the whole thing. again, getting that in writing and notarized).
5. We will be living together for the next five months so I can finish school then move. I'm not really happy about this but it is temporary and my school comes first. Should we do like a roommate agreement? Chore chart? He really just leaves everything for me to do (dishes, laundry, straightening, etc.).
6. I don't plan on changing my name anymore. I'm waffling between keeping my current last name or changing it back to my maiden. What did you do?
7. Any other advice?
Re: Divorced Nesties - let me pick your brain.
I have no advice, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry
I thought things were getting better?
Cycling of emotional abuse. We just had a really long honeymoon stage. Threatened physical violence again. Still wouldn't do therapy of any kind or put forth any effort. He's a jerk. My family and my friends here are kind of relieved because they just couldn't believe how much I put up with and why I didn't think I deserved better.
I go from happy that it is ending to tears in seconds. It's weird.
I'm with Marie...I didn't know you two had agreed to divorce. Regardless, I'm very sorry to hear this but glad you're being proactive and doing what is best for yourself.
My two cents on the ring issue: Are they gold? Have you attempted to find out what they'd be worth as scrap? Gold is pretty valuable these days. You could split the proceeds 50/50 is it's worth your while.
The dress...I would donate it to a program that collects gowns...you can write it off on your taxes.
ETA: Didn't see that you get to keep the rings. Donate the wedding gown next year after the divorce is finalized so you can keep the write off for yourself.
1. Wedding dress: I sold it for $3 at a garage sale after I'd already been remarried 3 years. I'd intended to use the fabric for something, but never got around to it, so I just needed it out of my house.
2. I threw away all that stuff within a month of him leaving, including the framed wedding invite and similar things.
3. Yes, I drafted a separation agreement that outlined what bills each of us would pay during the separation, what debt belonged to each of us (it was very cut and dry for us), and seeing as he took almost all the furnishings from my home when he left, we didn't have to address that.
4. We did a simple dissolution. I paid less than $1k. Money very well spent.
5. I have no advice on this. My skin is itchy just thinking about how stressful that would be.
6. I hadn't technically changed my last name during my first marriage (I did on my drivers license and military ID, but not at the social security administration) so it was super easy to go back to my maiden name. The wording for that was included in my divorce decree.
7. Keep your head up. Anybody who says divorce is the easy way out is a jackass. It's a crummy situation and it's normal to be sad, angry, to grieve, etc. Take care of yourself, don't forget to eat, and don't let this define you. You'll get through this, I promise. I'm very sorry you're dealing with this.
ETA: Your numbering is off, so mine is too. He kept his ring, I kept mine. I finally pawned it last year, after four years of marriage to my current husband. I tried selling it on Craigslist, but that just got lots of responses from princes in Nigeria.
ETA2: Even though he won't go to counseling, it's a very good idea for you to do so if you haven't already started. Since physical violence is a threat, make sure you have a reliable lock on the room in which you'll be staying, and keep an emergency bag in your car if you can (change of underwear, spare key, a cheap prepaid cell phone, small amount of cash).
1. Wedding dress- what did you do? I'd like to sell. Paid <500
Tried to sell, it's NWT because we never got to our PPD, lol. I'm ust going to donate it.
2. That stupid cake cutting set/champagne glasses-trash?
I trashed everything to do with him.
2. Wedding rings (Agreement is I keep)- I'm thinking of selling the bands and making the E-ring into a necklace for the diamond.
Sold and made a few car payments
3. We're agreeing on all the property split/what he is going to pay for and writing it all down and getting it notarized at legal. Hopefully we can bring that paper to the lawyer for mediation. Did you do something like this?
There was a worksheet with the divorce papers, and a divorce class on base that helped.
4. What kind of divorce did you do and how much did it cost (He has agreed to pay for the whole thing. again, getting that in writing and notarized).
Simple & $397. I paid for the privilege. Although he paid spousal support for half the duration of our marriage, so 3 months.
5. We will be living together for the next five months so I can finish school then move. I'm not really happy about this but it is temporary and my school comes first. Should we do like a roommate agreement? Chore chart? He really just leaves everything for me to do (dishes, laundry, straightening, etc.).
He moved my stuff out and moved his gf in, so I didn't have this problem.
6. I don't plan on changing my name anymore. I'm waffling between keeping my current last name or changing it back to my maiden. What did you do?
Why would you want to keep the name of someone who threatened you? Start fresh, maiden name. I never changed mine in the first place though.
7. Any other advice?
What Ojo said. Good luck, and stay strong. Don't sleep with him (even if you're tempted), and when you move, make sure your name is OFF the lease. That was my biggest mistake, and I have a mark on my credit because XH destroyed our apartment when he moved. I was screwed because I didn't take myself off, even though I hadn't been there in months.
ETA: I went through that cycle, and he went through with the physical violence. No matter how nice things get, try and remember that a man who loves his wife doesn't threaten her. I didn't leave because I thought it was MY failure that our marriage wasn't working. I cried all the time, and I didn't even really like him. Lemon, marriage is supposed to be SO much better than it was for me the first time, and so much better than it is for you now. I'm honestly tearing up thinking about myself then, and you now. It is not supposed to be like that, not at all. It's supposed to be a partnership, it's supposed to be the ability to always have someone on your team.
The only reoccurring "debt" in my name is the cable service and phone. We are debt free, separate bank accounts (thank god). No CC debt, no student loans, and I own my car. I am not on a lease.
I told him not to ask me for sex and he said is it okay to see other people. I told him I don't give a fuck_as long as he doesn't bring them here. I'm 99% sure he has someone already picked out. He's lied about her and I've read some pretty bad text messages/fb messages/phone pictures.
When I move out, I'd like to seek spousal support but I'm not sure how. I've been told I would need to go to court by legal here. But, I feel like the guy told me absolutely nothing because he didn't care.
Spousal support (at least when I was in the process) was something that could be requested in the petition. My XH petitioned for it, LOL. The judge should address it in the divorce decree.
Your best bet is probably to call your local clerk of court and ask for a list of fees and ask how spousal support gets addressed. My experience has been that the clerks are really helpful and they know their stuff since they deal with this all the time.
I am so glad you're getting out.
Me too. I'm so relieved it is going to be over soon. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know it's going to be rough for awhile and he's acting like a major douche. I just know things will get better. My self esteem is pretty shiity right now. I'm going to call my counselor and hopefully get in tomorrow or wednesday.
I seriously want to squeeze you right now. I'll tell you over and over and over again, yes, it will get better. It's hard to believe when you're in the depths of the shittiness and you don't exactly know in what way it will be better, but I promise, every.single.aspect of your life will improve.
I really appreciate the support from you all. I'm in tears.
Missed M/C 11/5/2010 @ 5 weeks, 3 days* D&C 12/3/2010 at 9 weeks, 3 days
And ditto this. I'm glad you are getting out. (((HUGS)))
Missed M/C 11/5/2010 @ 5 weeks, 3 days* D&C 12/3/2010 at 9 weeks, 3 days
This. Big hugs.
Agreed. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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I have questions that I know I can get a variety of answers and then decide...
1. Wedding dress- what did you do? Donated it
2. That stupid cake cutting set/champagne glasses-Took it to a thrift store
2. Wedding rings (Agreement is I keep)- I pawned them
3. We're agreeing on all the property split/what he is going to pay for and writing it all down and getting it notarized at legal. Hopefully we can bring that paper to the lawyer for mediation. Did you do something like this? We decided what we wanted or didn't want and took it to the lawyer.
4. What kind of divorce did you do and how much did it cost (He has agreed to pay for the whole thing. again, getting that in writing and notarized). I got a divorce lawyer and it cost almost $400.
5. We will be living together for the next five months so I can finish school then move. I'm not really happy about this but it is temporary and my school comes first. Should we do like a roommate agreement? Chore chart? I f you are going to have your own space I would seriously try to stay in it as much as possible maybe even get a mini-fridge or something and put your name on everything you own.
6. I don't plan on changing my name anymore. I'm waffling between keeping my current last name or changing it back to my maiden. I didnt change back to my maiden name I kept his.
7. Any other advice? Document anything crazy that happens until you can get out.
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Yeah. There's a base swap but I doubt anyone is looking for a wedding dress on there! Our craig's list is quite slow. I was wondering if a bridal shop would buy it back? Is that weird? Amazon? I don't want to deal with the shipping is all.
I haven't been divorced, but one of my best friends just did and I helped her with alot of it:
Hugs! I'm glad you're doing this for yourself. I truly hope you know you can come here for support!!
I changed my name
I hope you are okay.. well as okay as you can be! And I agree with Jilly, I'd get out ASAP. I know school is important, but you are MORE important. Take care of you.