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I'm just gonna say it
This is a rant and you can call me a betch all you want.
I have several friends who have had kids in the past year. I'm 28, married, no kids, never want kids. Every single one of my friends who has spawned has become a mom drone. I had to block one of them on facebook because she posted 11 updates about her daughter in one day (two of them were VIDEOS).
WTF happens to awesome people when they have kids? I don't have kids, but I do have things that consume my life and about which I'm passionate...HOWEVER...I can talk and post on facebook about things other than them. I love my dogs and the pet-related volunteering I do. I love cooking. I'm a fitness nut. But most of my daily conversation and facebook life do not revolve around either of those things.
Tell me I'm a jerk and that I just don't have to read the annoying updates. But it's not just the facebook updates, you know? They're indicative of my friends losing their identities. I haven't seen any of them since their children were born, and not for lack of trying on my part. It's like pushing children out of their cooters made them into completely different people.
Also, tell me that I just don't get it, because I don't have kids. And I can't argue with that...maybe if I had a kid, I would "get it." I just miss my friends. I didn't expect this to start happening until I was a bit older, and I didn't expect to really feel "different" from my friends with kids until I was in my 30s. Bleh.
ETA: It's like having kids has stripped my friends of any balance in their lives. 11 posts in one day, all about a child? I don't post that frequently about ANYTHING. And where is the filter? "K ate green beans." "K is pulling herself up." "K isn't feeling well." "Back from the doctor." "K's poop is really dark...anyone know what that could be?" Christ...just STOP it already.
Re: I'm just gonna say it
I swear to sh*t between the hormones and the sleep deprivation something happens to your brain and you don't realize your baby isn't the most interesting thing in the world. And honestly, it borders on doublethink because as I type this I've been thinking about what I'm going to do for Joaquin's last couple Lambie pics (because that sentence makes sense to anybody but me and like, abs and ESD).
That said though, I think everyone has a 'thing' nobody but their close friends and/or relatives cares about and they just don't realize it. Facebook just makes that painfully obvious, especially when that thing can be photographed in outfits and locations.
(ALSO, ISN'T MY SIG PIC THE CUTEST? YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER BECAUSE I KNOW ALREADY).
Oh I get it. I've experienced the same thing to a certain degree, only I get to be the awkward divorced chick at hometown get-togethers now. Of my high school friends, I'm one of two that hasn't had a kid yet. Of my current-city friends, only one is married (and has a baby), but she does a good job of balancing her life. It helps that her H is an involved father. She came over for girl's night last night - she relishes the opportunity to drink wine and talk about ballsacks without getting spit up on.
This age is a hard one though. Once I got into a relationship, a couple of single girlfriends checked out because I wasn't a "partner in crime" anymore. I still like to go out occasionally, but I guess it's just not the same for them. BF voices his sadness at his dwindling friend count - they've got kids, and so they now have no life outside of them. I wish there was a Match.com for DINKs - Meetup is chock full of mommy groups and drinking groups, but around here it's missed the boat on those who have grown out of the bar scene but haven't spawned.
I'm pretty much in your position, only I actual have a child. But children aren't that interesting. If you ever did have one, you probably won't change your opinion about how interesting they are in general. There were people who said that they were "shocked" to find out that I was pregnant because I wasn't "into babies." I was half-jokingly chastised on Facebook for not posting pregnancy updates (ew!)
It's not that I was deliberately trying to be the cool mom. I just didn't feel the need to share how many weeks it had been since DH had knocked me up or the state of my belly button.
When I was 6 months pregnant, I met up with a friend who I hadn't seem for quite some time. One of the first things I said to her was "I will buy lunch of you promise to not talk about babies." She agreed. We had a great time.
I think other people find children genuinely fascinating. God bless 'em. But I also kind of think that some use kids are an excuse to be intellectually lazy. "OMG I don't have time think! I have Babees!" is kind of the war cry of women who never wanted to actually use their brain anyway.
Don't get me wrong. I am super excited to see how my child grows, develops, learns and discovers the world. I am thrilled to get to be a part of that. But the day to day is dull and does not need to be posted on Facebook eleven times a day.
I've actually felt a little alienated lately because I'm suppose to have "mom friends" or something, but I find it painful to make small talk with women with whom I have nothing in common but a productive uterus. I can't even pretend to share their fascination with couponing or stain remover. I've actually been posting less and less on The Bump for that reason - and when I do post it's usually a useless TIP-style snark and not actual information about the care, custody and control of younguns.
I honestly don't get this. I had one close friend who basically became a drone. Pretty much all the other women I know who have kids - it's just not like that. It's harder for us to get together, but when we do - it's often w/o the kids, and we hardly talk about our kids. Even if the kids are there!
I actually almost find it odd how on the opposite end of the spectrum we can be sometimes.
Let me ask you this, though. Do most of your friends work or stay at home? This next comment is purely based on my experience. I'm not making a grand statement that is meant to put women in 2 camps. but my experience has been that the women who lose themselves to parenthood often are stay at home moms. 95% of my friends work and I think being out in the world, around other adults, having time away from their kids - they are able to more easily keep their finger on the pulse of the rest of the world and they have a lot more going on (i.e. work and a lot of adult interaction) and they have a lot more to talk about and focus on than just their kids.
I'm not saying all stay at home moms lose themselves, and I'm not saying that working moms never lose themselves. Just in my small little section of the world, this seems to be a predominant difference.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I've always been kind of a loner, so I don't really have many friends to shun. Most of my friends have moved to other states, so I just chat with them on FB from time to time. They're just friendships that are naturally going away as we grow older and move on with our lives.
But, H's friends (all local) seemed to do that. Once they had a kid, for the most part they left to pursue interests with other "kid people". Now that we have a kid, they're starting to call us again.
H is on the fence about letting them back into his life. It's kinda awkward. I mean, what do you say to that... Oh, thanks for finally calling us back after 5 years? Does that mean we're a member of your weird little club now?
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I have some friends like that. I hide them or send their sh-t to STFUparents if they're really bad. I sent one in today that was so bad I almost threw up.
I have one 20-month-old daughter and I'll admit I might have had some all baby all the time updates at first when I was on maternity leave and sleep-deprived and it was all new and that's all I had to talk about. That stopped pretty quickly when I became a functioning human being again and regularly ate, slept, showered and left the house.
Most of the time now if I post about DD I'm either making fun of her or making fun of my stellar mothering skills (recent examples include the observation that she, like all toddlers, has the self-awareness of a Jersey Shore cast member). I do post a lot of pictures though because it's the easiest way for her many sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles to see them and it keeps my mother and MIL from calling me every other day to say "How's my babyyyyyyyyyyy?"
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This this this this holycrapitythis.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
DH's BFF from back home's wife is like this and it makes me borerline violent. She got KU'd by her now-husband when she was 17 and then cranked out two more pretty quickly. She is an uneducated know-it-all and all around unpleasant, uninteresting, negative person. Before DS was born, she said things to express how sorry she felt for me because I didn't have children often enough that I started refusing to spend time with her.
Now we usually go to one of their kiddie parties per year (I actually like the guy and his family and it is nice to see them) and it is bearable because she has devolved into laughably pathetic.
I understand what you are saying about the annoying FB feeds. I do my best to talk about other things other than Abby to friends, family and on the internet. She is takes up the majority of my time these days but that is because I am a SAHM. Also, she is only 2 months old. So even though I get frustrated sometimes, she does require a lot of my brain/attention. Its hard to bust out of mommy mode sometimes.
I have other interests, and I enjoy them. I still volunteer on weekends and am involved in my church activities. My work with rescue animals really gets me out and with other adults. I have had to bow out of any child sitting duties at church though. I had to tell the lady that I have my hands full with one and church activities in the evenings where I do community service is one of the times I get to take a break from the babies!
I don't feel like I am losing my identity, but I can see where someone could. I am the very last of my set to have kids so I have dealt with being on the other side of the fence for some time (reading a lot about kids on FB).
I agree with Broc that there is something that goes on with your brain with the sleep deprivation that you forget that not half the world is as interested in your kid as you are. That is why I like nesting when Abby is asleep. I read the paper, and listen to NPR. It makes me feel connected to the world.
I am a SAHM and it is WAY different than when I was working. Then it was like people overload, and now I am longing sometimes for a little more face time with people. It will work out, but its all about adjusting your expectations and realizing that while your kid might be YOUR world-- people you talk with want to talk about something else for a bit!
I completely agree. I can barely control or moderate the urge to post 11 times daily about how freaking awesome my kid is.
But I will never, ever post about his poop. This kid's gonna be able to google himself in just a few years, I don't want anything embarrassing coming up -- he's responsible for doing that to himself.
Katie, this is why they created STFU Parents.
It is a vicious cycle. My sister continues to rant about how since her second trimester all anyone wanted to talk about was the baby. Which she says "Remember before I was pregnant and we got to talk about life, music and things I was interested in? Yeah, well I still want to talk about that too." If they don't get the clue she drops them, and now she has a lot less friends.
Check us out
I couldnt agree more. There are people on my FB who love to update all of us on the age of the child. "OMFG I can't believe Billy is 17 months today!" or "I can't believe just 3.58 months ago I gave birth to Bobby"
Really? I cant believe it either. I can't believe you want to tell all of us about an insignificant age. 6 months old? Maybe. 1 year old? Of course! I wouldnt side eye that at all. But 17 months? Ummm.....congrats???
Ahem. As of this particular day I happen to think 17 months old is a TREMENDOUS milestone!
::points down at siggy::
HAHA!!
Well I am certainly not trying to upset those of you who may be in that boat, just that it doesnt seem to be something that I would plaster on FB.
I have not once, ever posted about Baby Malibu's poop. That's just gross.
I will, however, admit that I'm a picture poster. With that said, I have my friends divided into lists. H's family lives 6 or more hours away, and many have never even seen her. They like to see the pictures to see her grow. So as pictures are posted, I select lists of people (99% of the time it's family only) to see the pictures, knowing who'd want to see them and who wouldn't.
I was an updater when I was on maternity leave though. I was trapped in the house with a little lump of baby during one of the snowiest winters on record. I pretty much had nothing else to talk about. Since I've been back to work, not so much.
And I have to do the "until I had kids" thing on one point. H and I moved over an hour away from all my friends. It was no big deal for me to pop in the car to drive and see them pre-kid. Post-kid though, it's a huge deal to haul a toddler and all her crap in the car, if I'm even attending something relatively kid-friendly. My kidless friend group is still a bunch of partiers, even in our early 30s, and I simply can't keep up anymore. They want to get together at 8 and party into the wee hours. Well, I just can't do it anymore, I have to go home and get up at 8 (or earlier) no matter what, because my human alarm clock wakes me up. (H works almost every weekend, so he's usually not around to get up with her.) I also have a slight guilt problem, I hate to give up my time with her on the weekends, since she's in daycare all week. I would imagine as she gets older that'll change, but right now, I want to spend my free time with her. I've had to point this out to my friends a few times, as they think the same thing - that I just don't want to hang out with them anymore - when in fact it's because I can hardly keep my eyes open past 10 anymore, and I do 95% of the parenting in my house with H working so much so someone has to be there to take care of her.
I'm right here with you.
2 of my closest friends have kids now, and it is ALL they talk about. They literately do not have the ability to talk about anything else it seems. It drives me crazy. Not Christmas, not school, not work, not their husbands, or their workouts - - - not even the fun times we used to have! And whenever I try to change the subject, the topic miraculously changes to the kids again-
I don't think you're a betch at all. Or maybe I am one too.
What I seriously want to understand is why parents say "I want to hang out too! Just because I have kids doesn't mean I'm too busy for my friends" or something along those lines. Seriously? Do they not understand that they are truly one dimensional! I am not talking about parents here on TN!!! You all do talk about a lot of other topics. I am speaking of my friends and colleagues specifically. - - And now that I am thinking of it, my SIL's do the same thing.
Me too! Me too!
And, ahem, Bowies, there is a damn good chance that a year from now, I will be in your neck of the woods long termish.
Are you guys moving??
What about kid ESD and baby ESD??? Are my kids not good enough for you?????
Damnit I always forget you have kids! I love to hear about your kids all the time! The stories make me laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that it is a little unfair to call them out on posting pictures and statusi on facebook, unless they are truly going overboard.
I mean, DS is a huge part of my life. Either I am taking care of him, or I am paying someone to take care of him every second of every day. I can't just drop everything and go out any more. Sometimes I feel like I can talk about two things a.) the fun that I used to have or b.) DS.
I do have friends that belong on STFU, and I will NEVER post pictures of my kid's bodily secretions. But I can't just ignore the fact that my life is now run by a 2 foot tyrant.
And, we've lost friends just by the fact that DS is alive. One of DH's best friends no longer talks to him, after a long time of calling to make plans and then just cancels them, or doesn't show up. I don't know if he's mad because DH can't just fly to Vegas like his other friends, or doesn't come to his house to drink every weekend, but it sucks. He talks a big talk over how much he loves DS and how he wants to be called "Uncle" and how much he wants to be a dad, but then completely alienates DH.
My SIL does that, too. But since that is literally the only way we know what the kids are up to, we put up with it. (She and my husband aren't close, and she and her family live far away.)
I have a lot of friends with kids who write about them on FB, but are also able to talk about other subjects. The ones that can't, (like the girl who literally posts everything her kid does all. day. long) I hide. Coincidentally, those are also the people I'm only friends with on FB.