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OMG - my husband found my post about kissing other men..
....I was on the fence about telling my husband about kissing other men (earlier post). I didn't see how it will help the marriage and of course, I was trying to justify to myself why I shouldn't tell my husband.
Well, I printed out the post with the replies because I got some really good feedback and wanted to re-read some of the posts. MY HUSBAND FOUND THE PRINTOUT TONIGHT.
He is crushed, disappointed. He didn't yell - he just seemed extremely sad and said he wanted to be left alone. He doesn't want to be in a marriage with trust issues, but obviously I have created a TON.
He's in our bedroom now. I was in shock and didn't know what to say when he brought this up. I cannot try to justify something that is unjustifiable. I have been extremely careless and selfish. And he deserves so much more.
I don't know what to do. HELP? I feel like scum of the earth (well, I am).
Re: OMG - my husband found my post about kissing other men..
I suggest you both visit survivinginfidelity.com and then talk in a few days. Maybe he'll decide he wants to work on things, maybe he won't. Either way, you need to be in individual therapy to help you figure out where you're at in your life and in your relationship and whether YOU want to be done or not.
Above all, give him space while also giving him reasonable expectations.
Well, after going back and reading your other post, I suggest you give him some space. He just read that you don't enjoy sex with him, that he is bad at it, and you have had a long standing crush on a coworker. That pretty much pulls the rug out of what he thought was a good marriage.
You guys are going to need to find a good counselor asap but he needs some space to process all of this. His self confidence is going to be shot.
I'm sorry but I have to ask, why didn't you just reread the thread on the computer? Printing it and not securing it just makes no sense from the get go.
This.
Give him time & space. He just had a very serious blow dealt to him. He probably needs time to process & figure out how he feels.
I print out some of this stuff to bring to my counselor - I think it helps my discussions sometimes. I was stupid and left it lying around next to our printer, and my husband must've looked through the papers sitting there.
I know i have to give him some time - I am just in shock right now.
I can't help but think that on at least some level you were hoping that this would happen. Now he knows, and you did not have to be adult enough to tell him.
Give him space, and then have the decency to not fight him when he files for divorce.
You left them next to the printer?! OMG. Confirms my theory.ETA:
I just read your OP. He's going to need some space. That had to have been difficult for him to read. At this point, the ball is in his court. He may want to continue the marriage or he'll be heading to the lawyer's office first thing Monday morning, adultery admission in hand. The latter seems more probable. Either way, it seems that you've checked out. It could have been done much better, but at least he knows where you stand now.
Internet 101... never post anything that you aren't comfortable running in the newspaper.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I think I can relate a LOT to your posts - a lot of similarities, except I've taken it to the next level and have been extremely selfish. It's hard - he is an amazing man who deserves a lot.
Yes - I want to go talk to him, but it's just not fair. He deserves as much time and space as he needs.
What a way to bring in 2012.
You have to admit that part of you wanted him to read that printout. Not that you left it there on purpose but you just weren't careful enough to pick it up. You wanted him to be the one to pull the trigger. I know you feel terrible that he is heartbroken but you probably feel some relief too.
Just give him some space. He knows the truth now. I have read some of your previous posts and you have obviously been feeling this way for a long time. He isn't the one for you. You probably shouldn't have gotten married. It is ok to admit it. It is very sad that you had to betray him like that and you need to accept responsibility for your behavior. However, you don't need to punish yourself forever either. You made some terrible decisions but now you have to do the right thing and give him some space, accept the fact that you hurt him and possibly let him go.
I am sending you a private message.
Yes - clearly I was an idiot. It was piled together with all of my work stuff and I was rushing off to an appointment.
I was NOT hoping he would find them. I would never want someone to find out about it in this way. Just - complete stupidity on my part. I should've take the extra 5 minutes to get myself together.
The ball is completely in his court now. And what makes you think I would "fight" him in divorce?
I know you are right. He just really is an AMAZING guy. I SHOULD be so happy and so in love. Something is horribly wrong with me.
I honestly don't know what I feel. I don't feel much of anything right now.
If you knew me in realy life, you wouldn't believe it. THIS JUST ISN'T ME and this isn't the way I live. But somehow, this is my life.
Well just because he is a nice guy that doesn't mean he is a good match for you. There is a difference.
Now is there something wrong with you? Who knows. Maybe you are one of those unfortunate souls that thinks that drama, confusion and anxiety is somehow romantic and exciting. Maybe you are only attracted to guys that you see as forbidden. Or again, you guys are just not a good match. Even though he is a nice guy, you guys probably don't have a lot in common ( judging from your previous posts this seems to be the case). That is ok to admit. I am a bit like you where I like to go out and try new places and do new things. I wouldn't be happy with a homebody no matter how nice he was. My husband and I have that in common ( although I probably do like to go out a bit more than he does) and that is why we are a good match and why we have a good marriage. If I married someone who wanted to sit at home all the time and watch sports on TV, I would probably be pretty unhappy.
I would continue talking to your therapist and get to the bottom of why you betrayed him.
I don't think the ball is in his court at all. If you aren't 110% sure you want to make your marriage work--which seems pretty unlikely given your other post--it's time for you to move out and stop hurting him. You are the one who screwed up and regardless of what he wants, the only way it can be fixed is if you are committed to changing yourself. Don't let him go through the pain of trying to save your marriage if you still aren't ready to do your part.
I'm sure you are hurting right now and want to make it better, but you need to think long and hard about what it would take from you and whether or not you really want to do those things. Going back to the status quo is not an option anymore. At the very least, you need to be willing to:
1. Give up drinking to the point where you lose control. Perhaps give up drinking completely if you can't guarantee remaining in control.
2. Cut off contact with this coworker, find a different job or transfer within the company. Even if the replacement job is a step down.
3. Give your husband full access to your email, browsing history, phone, calendar, etc.
Great post - thank you. You are right - I need to think about what I'm willing to do to make this work. Because - there is no point in him trying if I'm still not willing to work on things.
1 - I need to cut back or stop drinking. Period. If I make stupida$$ decisions while drinking, I shouldn't be doing it.
2 - I don't work directly with this coworker. I have cut off contact. He gets it and respects it. I was just being selfish and enjoyed some of the attention.
3 - I did offer this. This is a really great idea to maybe just hand over my computer. I told him he could go through my personal and work email.
It may not be the best idea to give him all of your personal stuff if you aren't going to try to make this work. It sounds like you're already checked out. When XH left, he decided after a month or 2 that we could start going to counseling. We did and I kept learning more and more about what he had done/was doing. He clearly wasn't interested in making it work even though he went to counseling with me, since he never offered handing over any information. I feel like you could hurt your H more by handing that stuff over if it's not because you are willing to do everything you can to make the marriage work. I'm not sure that makes sense the way I wrote it but I hope it does.
Thanks for your insight. I just feel like an ungrateful cow. I have a great guy and I should be so happy with him.
But you are right - before handing over everything, I need to figure out if this marriage can truly be saved.
If anything - this is forcing my hand instead of being in this middle ground.
I just hate myself right now. No one deserves this type of treatment.
Yep. My mom has always told me that things like this aren't accidents. If you didn't want your husband to find it, you wouldn't have printed it in the first place, let alone left it lying around. It's good that now he knows the truth; give him some space to figure out what to do with it.
My Lunch Blog
YOU are in shock??? I think it is more like your DH is in shock!!
WHAT are YOU willing to do to make this up to him? Have you appologized? Made a plan to show him how wrong you were and that you DO love him (assuming that you do)?