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Grandma doesn't fully accept one grandchild
I think there's nothing that can be done, but I want some views on this. When the first grandchild (Jane) was born in the family, she wasn't the girly girl like her grandma (my mom) wanted. My mom loves Jane but always says stuff like "I wish she'd wear more girly clothes. I wish she'd wear dresses. I wish Jane was into Barbies. I'm so disappointed that she doesn't want to play with babies and prefers to play with cars. I'm so disappointed that I can't do things with her like I did with my Grandma. I hate the way she likes to play with boys rather than girls." It goes on and on.
She says it in front of Jane as well. Every single time it happens, I pull her aside and say, "What you're really telling Jane is that she's not good enough fopr you and that you don't accept her for who she is. She's a little tomboy. Why isn't that good enough for you? Why can't you love Jane as she is?" My mom will say, "I do love her. I'm just disappointed that I didn't get the granddaughter that I wanted." *sigh*
Then grandaughter #2 (Lisa) comes along. Grandma just looooves Lisa because she's more girly girl. She likes dresses and fashion and wears cute girly clothes and loves to get her hair styled. For Christmas, I pointed out (quietly) to mom that she spent tons more on Lisa because she got to guy her a lot of girly things, while Jane got a lot less. I told mom that if she keeps it up, Jane is going to end up resenting her. Jane's mom has tried to find common interests between Grandma and Jane, but there just aren't many. What Jane likes, her Grandma doesn't. Grandma tries to force Jane to do something girly she doesn't like, and Jane walks away.
Is there anything else you can think of to get the point across to my mom? Or to help find a way for her and Jane to connect more?
Both Jane and Lisa are under 10.
Love to scrapbook!
Re: Grandma doesn't fully accept one grandchild
This. How sad for Jane:( Those comments are very hurtful and may very well have long term consequences for Jane. Honestly your mom sounds pretty awful, i'm sorry. You really can't force a relationship. Is Lisa your dtr?
I'd probably snap at her "well she doesn't and there's nothing wrong with her - so grow up and shut up about it, we're all tired of hearing you whine about something so stupid."
Grandma also needs to suck it up and try some of Jane's activities anyway.
Jane and Lisa are both my nieces. They are not sisters.
Yeah, some of what my mom says.... and does.... When she does say "that's for boys" or "I wish you played with dolls" in front of Jane, we'll all say, "No, it doesn't matter. Boys and girls can play with whatever they want!" And Jane will say, "That's right!" (That's my girl!!)
Jane is the youngest. Grandma was thrilled at first with a granddaughter, but slowly became dissappointed with Jane when she started getting older and developing more traditionally boy tastes in stuff. So, the first granchild turned out to not be quite what Grandma wanted.
Lisa is older. Lisa came along later after custody issues were resolved and is now part of the family. So, when she showed up, Grandma got the girly girl granddaughter she always wanted. The whole family loves Lisa as well and she thinks I'm cool and fun. lol She really doesn't see all of this.
But don't worry about Jane missing out on love. She's been a very big part of my and DH's life since she was born. She's very well loved!! Everyone else in the family adores her and accepts her for who she is, and nobody cares if she's a tomboy. Her mother and I actually discussed if she ended up being a lesbian and we both agreed that we don't care and we love her and support 110%. Nobody ever says anything about her not being girly enough besides her Grandma.
I love it.
One of our nieces on H's side is very much a tomboy, her clothes, activities. She's 13 now and plays basketball on the boys team at school. She's a very pretty girl but has interest more like a 'typical' boy. One night we got drunk with her parents and my SIL tells me she's worried the dtr is going to be a lesbian and thinks it's her fault b/c she wanted a boy when she was pregnant, lol. I guess there's no point in this post just know your niece isn't alone:)
What is wrong here is that she is slighting the child. Take Gramma aside and tell her how much this is disturbing Janey.
She also owes Jane a big apology and she needs to tell Jane that she is loved for who she is.
Shame on Gramma. Man.:(
Because clearly all tomboys become lesbians.
Because clearly all tomboys become lesbians.
Are you eye rolling at me? lol, I in no way think tomboys become lesbians, this is what my nieces mom is scared of and OP mentioned that it came up about her niece as well.
I've said something to my mom many times but she doesn't seem to get it. She'll say, "But I do love her. Very much!".....(pause)....."I just wish she was more of a girl."
The lesbian issue came up because Jane had trouble at school a few times because the other kids said she was wearing boy's shoes, boy's t-shirts, playing with boy's toys, etc. Jane got very upset and cried, and her mom had a talk with her about how it's okay for everyone to wear what they want, etc. Since the stereotypical gender roles came up, her mom and I discussed them and what may happen in the future.
It makes me sad that a sweet little girl, so excited about her new shoes, goes to school and gets made fun of. It really breaks my heart. She doesn't need it with her family as well.
Well, it sounds like Grandma is pretty self-centered/immature.
However, on the bright side, it sounds like you and your other family members are compensating and putting a lot of effort into emphasizing to Jane that she is perfect the way she is and that Grandma is silly.
*waves* Hi. I'm a former tomboy who grew up to not be a lesbian. Just saying that you shouldn't put the cart before the horse just because she doesn't play into typical gender roles.
And shame on Grandma. If I were Jane's mom, we'd be having a serious conversation about respecting people's choices and that Jane is perfect, just the way she is and doesn't have to be "girlie" to earn Grandma's respect.
I'm literally Jane in this post. I wanted nothing to do with dresses (I'd rip them on the playground tackling the other boys), makeup (Never wore makeup until after high school), or dolls (I'd have my Barbies pretend to be infantries in WWII).
My dad is your mom. He got so sick of me wearing jeans and shirts that one day I came home from school when I was 16 and found all my clothes gone and replaced with pinks and purples and not one pair of pants. It was all skirts and dresses.
Yeah you betcha I was pissed. He missed a pair of jeans that was behind the dresser and I wore those jeans every day of the week until my mom went out and bought more jeans for me. I refused to play in my dad's petty game of "Let's Stereotype This!" and I won and it also created a tense relationship between us.
And I'm married. To a guy.
I'm also not a girly girl. Neither is Jane's mom. We were both tomboys as kids. I'm casual and much prefer jeans to dresses. I rarely wear dresses, I don't get manicures, I don't like tea rooms, and I don't do all that 'girly' stuff. My sister is the same way except for she's also into sports. Neither of us wear a lot of make up. If our parents would have forced us to wear dresses, we would have had an Occupy movement in our house. I think maybe my mom was disappointed in us and was hoping Jane would be different?
Same here. No one gets to make my child feel crummy for being who they are as long as I can help it.
My grandmother didn't like me much as a little kid. I knew it. She really prefered my sister, the first grandchild and quiet, rule-follower.
It just made me think that my grandmother was a douche. It didn't warp my world view. Just my view of her.
Funny how your mother has these wonderful memories of time spent with her grandmother and completley misses the point that HER grandchild doesn't. What a waste.
And I have to say it - Jane will have a full and wonderful life, even as a lesbian, or a tomboy or if she morphs into a diva. Obviously.
Stop gently pulling your mother aside and telling her obvious stuff that she chooses to ignore. She's not changing and her attitdue is not a secret. If she annoys you, speak up. Encourage Jane to drop her, it's good experience to not feel like you have to meet other people's expectations in the world. Very good experience.
And feel free to tell your mother that she's a terrible role model and grandmother. That SHE is terrible, that's SHE's a huge disappointment to a kid that isn't getting another grandmother the way that she got another granddaughter. Let that sink in a little.
.... and things totally changed when I turned 12 with my grandmother. She came to live with us and we became great friends. Life does that sometimes.
I'm more of a lurker than anything, but my mother has some similar tendencies with all of her grandchildren. She often mentions how much she loves them except...(fill in the blank). When they were babies, they could do no wrong (my daughter is currently the baby and thus the "favorite").
I think the important thing here is that you probably aren't going to change your mother's behavior. It is possible it could change, but it's hard to change someone who doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior (if not impossible). So you should all work toward changing your own behaviors/continuing the positive ones so that Jane grows up realizing that there is nothing wrong with her-the problem is her grandmother. I think it sucks to be told that, but it's true. And I think you would be well within your rights to say so in front of the grandmother.
I also agree that perhaps Grandma's time with Jane should be limited if she continues this behavior, but that's really a choice for her parents to make. And I think they should tell Grandma "We like spending time with you, but we dislike how you treat our daughter. If it continues, we will not be able to spend time with you." And stick to it.
As for you, keep encouraging Jane. Do things with her that interest her and show a genuine interest in her and what she likes. Hopefully she won't grow up to feel like something is wrong with her for simply engaging in the things that are enjoyable to her.
Yup. I may be married with children but clearly I am a closet lasbian due to my preferences growing up: Hotwheels, BMX bikes, Legos, jeans.. I wouldnt be caught dead in a dress as a kid.
Grandma does not get to play favorites. and if she's going to act like this, she should not see either child. Her behavior is cruel and destructive, to both children. Why are you being quiet about this, and why are you letting it continue? You don't have to stand around and watch this; you can put a stop to it by refusing her permission to see either child until she can act like a decent person to both of them.
EDIT: I just read that this is your niece. I can't believe your sister tolerates this.
Yes, I was. Because you were saying, "Oh LOL, they think she'll be a lesbian." It's not acceptable and it's not funny. She's 10. Someone needs to tell grandma to STFU.
Nobody said all tomboys grow up to be lesbians. Nobody said that girls who won't wear dresses are lesbians. Nobody said to laugh at lesbians. One poster said her SIL is worried that her daughter will be a lesbian. My sister and I discussed if Jane would be a lesbian, and we both feel it wouldn't matter to us (and we also discussed if she'll get married, have kids, go to college, get pregnant in high school, want to move out of the country, you hame it.) So, nobody on this thread has said anything negative about lesbians. Besides that, it's not even the issue.
The issue is that we have a Grandmother who is disappointed that her granddaughter Jane isn't what she wanted, and that sooner or later, Jane will pick up on it. I'd hate to see the day that Jane realizes that who she is, isn't good enough for Grandma. That breaks my heart.
Jane has heard it from quite a few people besides Grandma and the kids at school. Luckily, the teachers step in and say that it's okay for everyone to wear whatever they want and they like Jane's shoes (or T-shirt, or whatever).
One story that really bothers me is what my sister told me. She took Jane shopping for new school shoes. Jane picked out a "boy's shoe" and was so excited. They went to pay and the girl said, "Only shoes for your brother? What about you?" Jane's lip quivered and she got a tear in her eye like she did something wrong. My sister looked right at the girl and said, "Those shoes are boys AND girls and Jane loves them!! And I think they are super cool!!!" Then sister called me secretly and said they were going to come visit and talk up Jane's cool new shoes without mentioning the boys v girls thing. And of course, they were pretty awesome shoes and I made a point of saying how much I liked them.
I was Jane- I hated dresses, I lived in jeans, and I had cousins who were girly girls. I'll never forget one of my uncle's girlfriends insisting on calling me "little boy"- and my grandmother responded by telling her that I was who I was, and nobody had the right to tell me otherwise.
I was lucky to have family who accepted me for who and what I was. Just remind your mom, OP, that the only one who's going to miss out by mistreating Jane is your mom. And if Jane grows out of the tomboy stage, your mom shouldn't be surprised when Jane wants nothing to do with her.
This struck a chord with me - only I was Lisa. My cousin who is the only other female grandchild was Jane. My grandmother was horrible to my cousin and to be honest, a lot of my other family members followed suit. Recently grandma referred to us as "my grandaughter wildstyle and oh yeah, that other fat one who doesn't take care of herself".
Did it affect us both later in life? You betcha. She very clearly doesn't like herself now and she has some issues. I don't have big self esteem problems like that but I do have to catch myself for judging others based on appearances b/c I know it is wrong. It makes me very angry when I think about it. Very unfair.
Grandma needs to support and encourage Jane as does everyone else - she needs to be told that is she doesn't change her behavior, her time with Jane needs to be limited. Good for you for encouraging Jane.
That's it! I've been telling mom over and over that what she says isn't right, but it doesn't seem to sink in. Yet, she really wants to have a relationship with Jane. I'm changing tactics now. From now on I'll say, "You'll never have a relationship with Jane by telling her or even implying that the way she is disappoints you. Why would she love someone who doesn't accept her for who she is?"