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Just a little Friday night vent
My H is an emotionally abusive a$shole. I tried to leave him twice before, wasn't strong enough, and got sucked back in, and finally left for good in March.
He treated me terribly. I've told TIP most of it over the past few years (years!) Calling me names, screaming at me and then acting like I was crazy for being upset, telling me I wasn't worth anything, etc. He always said if I tried to leave him he'd tell everyone "the truth" about me. Ending the relationship for good was the best decision I've made in a long time, and I'm so glad I had the strength to finally do it.
He (who does not have an attorney) has been emailing my attorney all these threatening e-mails, how I'm going to have to support him, how I'm going to have to pay all his bills, how I have mental health problems and he has proof, how she [my attorney] had better watch herself because he knows people at her firm, etc.
All this is, of course, just more proof of what an as$hole he is. But - it still stresses me out, and I don't know how to not let it affect me. I do struggle with mental health issues (have been hospitalized for depression, but years ago, and have been going to therapy since then), I'm a recovering alcoholic (2 years sober), since we spilt I've gotten a better paying job. I have this fear that he will embarrass me, that because of some freak rule I'll have to pay him, that my attorney will quit.
These sort of fears are what kept me from leaving him, and they still plague me months later. I wish I knew how to turn them off.
Vent over. I miss you, TIP.
Re: Just a little Friday night vent
Stay here! Just because you're not with that A*hole doesn't mean you can't post here.
Also save copies of all the stupid crap he keeps sending you, and show it to your attorney, and the police. You should be able to get a restraining order against him, that should prevent him from contacting you.
Stay strong, stay in recovery, and be sure you talk to your therapist about all this stuff. It's not good to bottle that up.
Hugs
((hugs)) Stevie.
This is hard. You did a good job of enumerating exactly why.
BUT, your life will (hopefully) be long. VERY long. This is what you must do in order to enjoy the greatest part of it the most.
Short term pain, long term gain.
We're here for you!
I know this probably doesn't make it any easier for you, but lots of people deal with mental health issues and/or alcohol issues. I've learned from family member's pasts that people like your STBXH are just bullies and will say anything to try to manipulate people. They tend to not be able to back up their words though.
Stay strong, come back lots, and just remember you are doing the right thing. You will be much better off when you can get all of this behind you.
I understand your worrying. I'm a worrier too. I worry about things that don't have a snowball's chance in hell of happening sometimes. It's a hard habit to stop.
But the good news is I really don't think you have anything to worry about.
First, your lawyer is a divorce attorney and you're going to be dealing with your divorce in the domestic relations court. The DR judges and divorce lawyers see some of the most fvcked up dynamics you could possibly imagine. You probably couldn't even imagine some of the things they've dealt with. Your situation might be bad but chances are, it's not the worst and it won't be enough to scare her off.
As for having to pay him, that's always a possibility but you have an attorney and he doesn't so odds are in your favor already. As long as you haven't tried to seriously financially hurt him (ie cleaning out the accounts, leaving him with only a lawnchair for furniture, etc.) you're probably going to come out okay.
And like I said, the judges have seen all kinds of people come through their chambers. You aren't weak because you were depressed or an alcoholic. You're strong because you got help. Two years sober?! That's awesome! Congratulations!
Have faith. Your STBXH is digging his own grave here. I know it's upsetting and makes you worry but honestly, he's probably doing you a favor with this behavior. A judge is not going to be impressed with his trying to threaten your attorney or threatening to use a history of treated depression against you.
Good luck and I hope it's all over quickly!
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Thank you so much ladies, you don't know how much your support means to me. I hate that he has the ability to manipulate my emotions even now.
He is so vindictive. We have nothing to fight over - no kids, no property, only one joint account with about $1K in it. He thinks that because I made the decision to end the marriage, I should have to pay him, period. And he will fight to the death about it and use whatever ammo he can come up with.
8 days post made me think of a quote I read one time (I'm also a very big worrier, but have gotten much better with it):
I've been through some terrible things in my life, a few of which actually happened.
I know you can't stop worrying if you're a worrier, but I was hoping that would make you smile.
What about some meditation? Yoga? These things helped me keep my mind busy. Also exercising and writing in a journal helped me get a lot of unhealthy feelings out in healthy ways.
You are doing great SN, I know things are hard, but you are on the right path.
Oh my dear lady! I am sure everyone here will tell you the same thing...
All his calls, emails, etc to the attorney will just make it clear HE is the bad seed, not you. No judge in their right mind is going to make you pay alimony to a verbally and mentally abusive Jack A. You have obviously gotten yourself on your feet enough to be working well, and be seeing someone for mental help. Mental help I might add would not be quite so nessesary if not for him... Yes, you have had problems in your past. But he obviously still has his problems.
I have been in a similar situation, fortunatly I didnt marry him though. It is scarey, it is hard, but you will succeed. You are a strong wonderful capable woman.
Hey Stevie!!! (Not sure if you remember me from 'way back', but I remember you and have wondered from time to time how you were doing.)
I'm so proud of you! And I agree with the PPs who said that the attorneys and judges have seen this kind of crap and worse, over the course of their careers. I know that it doesn't make it any easier for you, of course, but knowing that this isn't their first time around this particular block should be reassuring. Also, talk to your attorney about getting a temporary restraining order. He's clearly making threats to you and others.
Please stick around for all the support you need, OK?
So sorry you're dealing with this Stevie. It sucks that he doesn't have his own lawyer that might actually make him work through the process. Just stay strong, and you will get through this.
Please feel free to email or pm me anytime.
You ladies rock! (and of course I remember you, Geek!) I stopped posting because I got busted at work, and was too scared to try it at my new job. But I have been lurking in the evenings!
Just getting that off my chest last night and reading your kind words was so helpful. I'll definitely post more on the night shift.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
What does your attorney say about his emails? It would seem that he is bolstering your case every time he hits send.
Congrats on your sobriety. Are you involved in AA or another support group? Can you see your therapist more frequently if needed? It sounds like you STBXH will be out of your life forever in a few months. Please take care of yourself during this time.
Hey, congrats all around on what you have achieved!
Just my two cents, but my DH is a divorce attorney and "loves" (from a professional stance) when the other side puts nutty stuff in writing. He considers it more ammo for the actual divorce hearing to help his client. My DH would not consider leaving a client because the other side is doing nutty stuff. So I wouldn't worry about your attorney leaving you - they're used to this.
Shoot, if being treated for depression was a disqualifying characteristic then I think a good chunk of the population would be dq'd. I've been treated for depression and consider getting out of it and staying healthy as huge accomplishments. Turning off the mental tape recorder is tough - I'd second talking about it in therapy and trying yoga, tai chi, or some other meditative event. I have a hard time turning of my brain so tai chi is good - moving meditation.