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**sarabeth and SuperDooper**
Hi ladies,
I just wanted to let you both know that I'm going through some very similar experiences. I've recently reached the conclusion that I don't love my husband anymore. I know I did once but it was never that once in a lifetime kind of love. It was a "I want to get married because it's the next step and the guy I'm with now is pretty good" kind of love. 14 months ago we had a daughter and ever since then it's become more and more clear to me that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He is a good man with a good heart, but he is a little self-absorbed (like, only thinks about making his own life easier, never mine) and frankly a little annoying. But I think the annoying part is just a symptom of my own feelings. He annoys me because I want to get away from him.
I've had these feelings before, to a lesser extent, as far back in our relationship as I can remember. I would consider breaking up with him, but he was my first/only serious boyfriend and I didn't want to start over. It took me 20 years to find him, how long would it take to find someone else??? He was nice and made me laugh and had a great job (which is the only thing we have in common, both pharmacists). He got along with my friends and family. What more could a girl ask for? So I kept him around, and then I married him, and then I had a baby with him. And now I'm faced with the choice of whether to break up my family or not. I know, deep down, that I can't stay with him. I can't teach my daughter that this is what love/marriage is. She deserves better. But she also deserves a whole family, not a fractured one. And so I start doubting myself again.
Anyway, I have told him how I feel, but then I backpedal and say maybe we can work on it. Then he asks me if I still want to be married, and the best I can muster is "sometimes I don't", when really the answer is "no". It's so so tough to say something so horrible to someone and set that ball rolling when I know that there will be no turning back. I know I'm being a horrible person to string him along like this. I always put it off because we're going on a trip or it's Christmasor we have a double date scheduled or whatever. I need to stop putting it off. I'm going to stop putting it off.
So, this long, rambly post is just meant to say I know how you feel, don't have babies with these men, and if you ever want to commiserate, I'm here!
Re: **sarabeth and SuperDooper**
replied.
This part of your post stood out to me.
Fractured families can live in one house and "whole" families can live in separate homes. Just because you live together and are married doesn't mean the family isn't fractured and just because you're not together doesn't mean you can't successfully co-parent together and give your daughter a strong family.
I hope you find the strength and wisdom to do what's best for you, your daughter and your husband, whatever that is.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I just want to say, that my husband's parents divorced when he was 2. Both his parents have since remarried. We have a great relationship with both of his sets of parents as well as all 9 of his remaining grandparents (some of them divorced, and remarried as well). I can't imagine, what life would be like without all these wonderful people, nor can I imagine or wish for my H to be any different than the man he is today.
I won't say it was never tough on him or his parents, but just because you get a divorce doesn't mean your kids will turn out wrong, or bad or something. Yes 1 marriage failed, but now he's seen 2 healthy strong relationships, instead. (Honestly, I'm still confused as to how his parents dated long enough to decide to get married anyway, they're such different people.)
Please understand, I'm not saying DTMFA, because he made a small mistake, or has a singular habit that annoys you, when other than that you're happy. If you are truly unhappy in your relationship, and you know there's no hope of being happy in that relationship, (despite therapy, or any other steps that can be taken, to make it work); the best option may be to dissolve the marriage and allow both people to seek healthy, loving relationships.
Divorce isn't just an end, it's also a beginning.
I'm so sorry to hear this. It is SUCH a difficult situation, and I know you probably ask - why am I NOT happy??
I still go back and forth on this, unfortunately. When you are with a great guy, you wonder - is what I'm looking for a fantasy? Is passion really all its cracked up to be? Finding a man that unconditionally loves you is a rare thing, but is it fair to stay in a relationship where you don't feel the same way?
It sounds like your decision has been made, and that takes a lot of courage. As you've even stated - staying in an unhappy marriage to the keep the family together is not a good reason to stay. Your child will learn at an early age that mommy and daddy are not very happy.
I think you need to pick a weeked to get the process started. I think you first need to contact a divorce lawyer.
HUGS - please let me know if there is anything I can do to help, if you want to talk through any of this.