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What do I do?
I lurk here and post on other boards... but am looking for perspective. I've been married 10 years in Feb, have 2 LOs. To make this short-- my H was severely injured in the Marine Corps 1 year after we were married. He had a looooonnng recovery (over 15 surgeries, severe PTSD with extensive counselling, medication, vocational rehab). In some ways, he's made an astonishing recovery-- graduated college to be retrained (in xray), got and has kept a job since graduating, had 2 kids-- which could have been impossible due to his injuries.
Here's our problem: he is 100% different from the man I met, dated and married. He suffered a traumatic brain injury which literally changes the personality. His physical injuries are fully healed but he lives with some degree of chronic pain. His personality is totally different-- he is labile, reactive, unreasonable at times and honestly I feel numb/anger towards him more than anything these days because it has been so long. He doesn't really help around the house or with the kids (example: he is still asleep and it is noon, my girls have been up since 7am), he is very disatisfied with our relationship because I never want to have sex (vicious cycle since I feel overworked/overwhelmed with works/kids/home and lack of support/help form him).
I think about separating reguarly-- but am scared for several reasons. First off money: I work, but part time and make decent money as a nurse but would not be able to afford our mortgage/bills on my own. We are upside down so could not sell right now. If we separated, he would leave and probably go to his mother's in the midwest-- we are in the northeast. He has his own work income plus full disability income from the VA. Our insurance is free through his disability. We also have a pretty substantial savings account-- largely from a insurance payment from his injury. I'm afraid he would walk, leave me with the bills, mortagage (in my name, only), and take the cash-- he'd be fine and I'd be up a creak. He has also casually mentioned that he could/would take the girls-- I don't really think this would/could happen but the fear of them being away from me makes me willing to stay for almost anything.
We have tried counselling together but he says he's "over it" since he's been in counselling off and on for years. I still go. He says the only problem is my never having sex and if I'd put out he'd be 100% happy. I'm just lost.
Re: What do I do?
Oh dear, I am so sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine what it is like, but I'll do my best to offer some advice here.
First, I would suggest posting this to the Military Nestie board as well. I'm not positive, since I really never even lurk there, but I am willing to be they'll have some great advice and/or support for you there.
Next, talk to a divorce attorney ASAP. You don't have to make any decisions, and talking to an attorney is not the same as filing for divorce. However, you'll really need somebody that understands the law to explain to you how all the bank accounts, insurance, insurance payments, debt, etc. is going to go if/when you do file for divorce. Once you have this information, it will be a lot easier for you to make a decision.
Remember, you are an incredibly strong woman and mother of two children. Being on your own surely sounds scary, but you can do this.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would imagine you are very far from alone in this right now. Is there any type of military base where you are right now? Perhaps you could find a support group nearby as well?
Good luck to you.
Go to a lawyer to see how you can legally protect your assests. then start planning your next move.
Make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you make your move.
You need to leave and you will be fine. where is your family?
You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve someone sho has interest in them.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I am a professional who works with individuals with TBI's. Unfortunately what you are describing is very common with individuals who have had this sort of injury. They have a difficult time staying organized and do tend to get angry much more quickly. It definitely stinks for the family.
I would say before going to divorce route, look into some specialized support group or counselor that has had experience working with families who have a member who has had a traumatic brain injury. Military support might help, but there are a lot of every day construction workers, and car accident victims that also have traumatic brain injury troubles that affect your family every day.
You need to get out of that horrible situation. You can't stay - your resentment and unhappiness will continue to grow, and it will eventually impact your kids. Start over and be happy.
You will be FINE. The divorce process won't be fun, but you are a smart and educated woman, and you will be able to take care of your family and end up much, much happier. I'm a divorce attorney, and the biggest obstacle for most women is lack of education and skills, which leads to an inability to find a decent job. You don't have this problem, so you will be fine.
Go consult with a divorce attorney. Be sure to find someone with experience in military divorce, as there are completely separate rules regarding military benefits that are different than, say, dividing up a corporate 401k. Your husband will not be able to just leave you high and dry. If he tries, you can directly garnish his military payments. There are a lot of details to talk about with a lawyer, but in a nutshell, your husband has a duty to support his kids and your lawyer will help you sort everything out so you and your kids will be okay.
Dang, I could have written this post a few years ago. My first DH was injured in the line of duty (TBI, back, leg broken in 17 places), and one three year old. I stayed in the marriage about 12 years after the injuries, but his head injury totally changed in his personality. It was like being divorced suddenly from a man I loved, and having another replace him, without my permission or knowledge.
We went through counseling, but couldn't bring the marriage back; basically I became his caretaker and mom. He went back to school, too, and became self sufficient. We decided to divorce and find happiness elsewhere.
Unfortunately, unless he was in the service AND you were married at the same time for no fewer than 10 years, then you have no legal claim to his VA or other military benefits. Your LOs do, however, but this MUST be specified in the divorce order.
Make sure that you see a divorce lawyer that is versed in military and former military divorce settlements; there's a ton that is different than a civilian divorce.
I, like many others on these boards, understand the sacrifices that the family of a service member and family of a veteran mnakes, and I thank you for it. But now it's time for you to think about you and your children. Best wishes to you, and I hope you find happiness in 2012.
ETA for spelling error.
I agree with the PP and say go to a lawyer and post on the Military Nesties board. You'll feel better once you know what you are entitled to and what to expect in a divorce.
He is threatening taking the girls, because he knows it keeps you under his control. If he isn't taking care of them with your help he certainly does not want the parental responsibility on his own. Don't let his threat scare you. Keep up the therapy and good luck.
You need specialized advice-- military advice and someone who knows about his type of injury.
Good luck.
Thank you for all the kind/thoughtful responses. I should add that my H is a very, very good dad when he is "on" and that when he is with the girls he is an active participant in their life-- it is just not consistent and he seems like he doesn't always want to be a parent when it gets tough. He has the tendency to get irrationally angry at the normal "kid stuff" like whining/tantrums that comes with having 2 toddlers. He has never been violent and I have never even felt remotely scared of that for me or the girls but he does lose his temper/yell which is not something I want for myself or them. I reguarly mourn the loss of the gentle, tender man he was 12 years ago. The sad part is that he does too-- he recognizes what has changed in him but cannot get it back. It is likely that he lost the empathetic part of his brain in the injury.
I guess my real question is how much do I owe him, as part of my marriage vows -- really, these changes are not by any fault of his own-- he stepped on a land mine and suffered terribly as a result-- so is it fair to drag him through a divorce that may get nasty (if it came down to keeping my kids, I certainly would and could do this) and also would probably keep him from his kids a lot-- due to geography (we live where my family is and where I grew up-- his family is 1500 miles away and he would likely return there).
Lastly-- I lost my dad 2 months ago. He was my best friend and I am very actively grieving/devastated and am trying to help my mom through it as well. My mom lives close by and H has been very, very kind/helpful to her and with her being over our place a lot. I don't know that I am in the best frame of mind to start divorce proceedings this soon after my dad's death.
Thanks again if you made it this far.
I struggled with this too; it's why it took me 12 years to end it. I actually knew the marriage was over 3 or 4 years before that time, but we had to come to that and it took a while. The advantage of this sort of dragging it out is that in the meantime, instead of the hate and anger that a lot of people end up in when their divorces are final, we've worked through that, and can see the good in our xh. So, by the time it happened for me, I was through all the grieving (and, btw, I lost my mom just before starting the proceedings, too, I had lost dad years before). So, we are truly friends now, and I talk to him on occasion, text and e-mail communication is regular. We still have our daughter in common, and now she's married and we have a grandbaby, too.
TBIs are tough. They change the personality, but they can still look "normal". It's called the "invisible injury" for this reason. The anger at little stuff is a sentinel sign of a head injury. There are support groups for families of the head injured, look online for a group near you. Unfortunately, when it happened ot my xh, we were in Alaska, so there weren't any support groups at that time, and I had no family anywhere near, so I don't know if they're truly helpful or not. The Head Injury Foundation (they may be called something different now) can also help you, and let you know you're not alone.
Please PM me if I can be of further support.